Hello patrons!...If I still have any. :) So, a busy year after my first fic here, I offer you this new one. The first two chapters are going to be reminiscent/journal-like, and, may be a little boring. The third chapter will sound more like a story, though. So here. Hope you guys like it. Reviews are love. :D

I.

NOVEMBER 2011

It all started around the start of October. It was right about 6:30pm on a Friday. We just got out of class, and what I remember to be weighing our brains down was the fiasco of undergoing the very first of our weekly major group projects for an equally major subject. We were all still new to the process of putting together a TV show and everybody had to blindly help themselves through the entire thing, which was truly getting under our skin.

More so in this girl than others, apparently. She was ranting. And she was hungry. And she was broke.

"I have no idea where she gets the guts. It's ridiculous. I can't believe it. Ugh."

I had offered to buy her something to eat. It wasn't something I'd do frequently, especially for people who mean very much to me. She happens to be one of them. But she wasn't like the others, who would have the tendency take advantage of my kindness. She would never.

"Will you shut up?" I plead with her. We were walking back to our dorms on campus, on which way I told her I knew of a good rice toppings place. "We're here. You shall be appeased."

She goes "Yay!"

She doesn't stop ranting though, even after she's placed her order. I had tuned her out for the most part, starting to get tired of it. I tuned back in after a noticeable moment of silence. I turned to her and knew that she had stopped to think. True enough, "I'm turning into them," she tells me. I was like "Turning into who?" And then she gave me this look, so then I understood. "Oh, you mean you might be starting to abuse my kind heart?" said I. She was referring to our other friends I spoke of earlier, who would make the most of my generosity. And my allowance.

"Yeah," and then she was quiet again. I don't know what made me say what I was gonna say next, I guess I really did mean it: "It's okay. I'd take abuse from you." Then I hug her from the side, 'cause we were standing, waiting for her food.

She tried to defend me and began with a "No,…" I could tell she had nothing to add to that, due in part to her hunger, and due in other part to simply not knowing how to respond to what I said.

When her food was ready she took two pairs of chopsticks so she could share with me, and promised she would pay me back. I asked her to please not. "My grandma's just sent me birthday money. Why else do you think I'm treating you?"

Of course she resumed her rant as we ate while walking. She almost grumbled all the way home. I'd stop her to change the subject once in a while, but she'd always find her way back. This is her when she's frustrated. She has this thing for working herself up over stuff like this, even if it wasn't necessary. I wouldn't be able to point that out about her until much later.

"I mean I'm stressed too, you know, we all are. Our group doesn't even have a proper system. You guys are doing so much better because you've got experience and you obviously know what you're doing. If it weren't for Tess, who isn't really doing THAT big a damage, you guys would…"

"She's been such a biatch lately, she's causing everyone stress and she's the DIRECTOR! Crap we're all gonna fail. She's going to cause damage, alright."

"Mrs. D is not going to fail you, chill. Not because of just one person. Dang, Mitchie."

"Dang what?"

I huff and revert to silence. Amazingly, she stays quiet also. I then ask her questions about her family. That always gets her to calm down. We stay on this topic until we reach the pathway to her dorm's front door. I don't quite remember what our parting words were exactly, but I do recall, with perfect clarity, that halfway down the path she stopped and turned her head to look back at me. And wondrously, I was still standing there, waiting for her to go inside. I looked at her, too. That would be the moment I felt something—I knew something had changed.

When she finally did go inside, I randomly felt the need to appreciate the beauty of the stars, and the night in general. I probably thought, even then, that it was a night I wasn't going to forget.

Over the course of the weekend that followed I was so bothered. I couldn't get Mitchie out of my head. What is this? Why do I feel this way all of a sudden? Maybe this'll just fade away. What if it doesn't? Oh, Lord, that would mean this is how easily I fall. Holy shit, what does that say about me?

Much to my anxiety I had to deal with it 'til that Monday. I desperately wanted to know what was up with me—if I was going insane or if I was now a doomed, fickle individual—and so I found myself pouring my heart out to none other than Harper, who said, "…Wow, Lex… Um, I think you've got yourself a crush. And from what I know crushes to be like, you won't be able to help yourself."

"Ugh," and a slap to my forehead was all I could say to that.

Mitchie knew I was bi. For some very odd reason that very same day I wanted to let her know how I was feeling. So after class I told her I was spoiling her for the night, and that she shouldn't ask any questions about it. She was quite satisfied not to.

A hotdog and Coke float later, while she was watching ME eat (I got hungry buying her food) I ended up garbling something weird, something like, "Remember I told you a while ago that I wasn't straight? And how I said I would spoil you tonight and I did? C-Can you figure out why?"

"I think I've got an idea," she replied. The look on her face was one that of—well, something like—concern. If I were to put it to words: "I'm taking this in right now… from you…I think I should be worried but I'm really not sure…"

I thought I should continue. "I don't have a thing for you." LIE. I chickened out. "I just figured some stuff out last weekend, and, well, yeah." Nice save. :|

I happened to be eating pork barbecue that time. I think what I just did really got to me 'cause it wasn't until I was a quarter of the meal done that I saw my shirt had barbecue sauce all over it.

I wanna stop talking about that particular experience now, but just to put a proper end to the story: I was glad that night didn't come to a close awkwardly, which was what I was afraid of. I just remember we talked about something funny and then we were fine.

x x x

Here I am, a month later, more at a loss than I had ever been in my life.

I wrote her a note about a week after the *insert air quotes here*confession. I guess it was a way for me to make myself a bit more clear. Although I'm not sure it really helped. In the note I told her I've come to feel for her what I've never felt for any of my other friends before, and that "with not much more than a push" she would "become my whole world." Now how would you react to something like that from a close friend, a close GIRL friend, nonetheless? Yeah, I wouldn't know either.

But this sweetheart stuttered, "I-I-I don't think I deserve it," and tried to express herself further by saying "I-I-I mean, I wanna, I wanna try to live up to it, I know I'm…" That's where I cut her off.

"It's fine, love. You don't have to say anything." 'Love' would be what I'd be often calling her.

It's been downhill for me since then. She's been showing probable signs of interest, but I have no clue what to truly make of these signs. In the first few weeks following that little note, I would find myself unconsciously fixing my eyes on her for long periods of time, even in class, and she'd look back at me. I wouldn't look away because her shining eyes would take me, and although peculiar, neither would she. Now that I've given it some thought, she was probably figuring out stuff within herself as well. She may have come to a conclusion in the next few weeks, because the scenario changed and we would now look away when caught staring—me, for fear of being too taken and falling in too deep and out of my reach, her, for God knows what reason.

It's become clear to me, though, that I might've had feelings for her much longer than I had imagined. Maybe I've liked her since we met, since I learned her name, her nickname-like sounding 'Mitchie'. Maybe I just never really paid attention. But for sure, my heart's been making space for her since the start of our junior year. Once, she became the topic of conversation amongst our friends. I don't remember where she was off to that day, but some topic led to another and then we were talking about her—how young she is (she finished high school exceptionally early; she's 2 years younger than me), her brash, boyish personality ("Has Mitchie ever had a boyfriend?"), and how the fact that she's never had a boyfriend is a curious thing, because she's pretty. No one's ever noticed before, but she actually has a breathtaking smile. It's actually so radiant it can fix a bad mood all on its own, proven a number of times.

I had never agreed with anything more, ever, than with that conversation's last two topics. I've always had a soft spot for Mitchie (which I never really bothered to question myself about), so I passed my strong agreement as simple acknowledgement of the truth.

Mitchie had always been attractive; her smile had always been extraordinary. And then she decides to spend the 2 years we've known each other blooming into this… hot chick. Without even trying. The angle of her face became more profound, she's grown her hair out, she's also grown gracefully into her own shape, and her eyes sparkled their sparkliest in the history of their existence. It truly was a great mystery that she still hasn't been chased by guys from all directions (there's probably something wrong with the boys within our proximity. That, or their all terrified). "Maybe this is just a huge girl crush," I would think to myself sometimes. I'm a normal human being who can tell what's good looking from what's not. Right?

Well yes, but if this were just a girl crush I wouldn't have the constant, unexplainable, desperate need to be near her. Also, maybe she wouldn't be making regular cameo appearances in my dreams. And I probably wouldn't make it such a big deal to cater to her every whim. And perhaps I wouldn't be so friggin' affected whenever she would pay more attention to other people than me. Geez, I could go on forever.

A month into this whole debacle, my mind has been made. If in, say, another month this doesn't leave me, or worse, gets even stronger within that length of time, I'm in serious trouble—the kind peeps like to call love. Eck.

Or else, why would it occur to me to call her 'love' of all the cheesy pet names?