The Memories of a Boy That Killed Adolescence
By Katsumi Tonicha
People call me insane.
For what? People are always insane for something. Money, power, or even their own sanity. I have no need for money or power, or sanity for that matter. A warrior, such as myself, has no need for such things. Just victory. Maybe that's what I lose myself over- victory over the enemy. I know that at times I do go a little overboard. But not always.
Insane people care only about what they want. And when I say insane people, don't start to think about those people in mental hospitals pretending to be airplanes, roaches, or the like. Those are simply mentally deficient people. Insane people... You'll know one if you ever meet one. They think only about what they want in life. And that is it. They do anything possible to achieve that one goal. It consumes them, and they have no room for anything else in their lives. That, my friends, is insane. I've met very few people like that. And most of those people I met out on the street; passing by dirty old men hitting on young ladies, or seen in business suits asking for charity. Those people are insane. They only have one thing on their mind.
I am not insane, by definition. But I know that I am far from sane. Any sane person would not attempt to kill themselves repeatedly by blowing themselves up. And then live to tell about it. I can tell you about these experiences in grave detail, for I have done them quite a few times myself. And yes, I know that I seemed to be obsessed with my one wanted mission. My one goal that I must achieve in order to be as good as I know that I am.
But that does not make me insane.
If I was insane, my mind would not be plagued by these thoughts I am having right now. My mind would not be plagued by those who care. I would not bother to wonder how they are right now. Even though I can answer most of those questions right now, off the top of my head. I haven't seen these "friends" in a long, very long, time, but I know them well enough and remember them so well that I can easily figure out what they are up to right now.
Judging by the time of day, Duo is either talking with the woman he lives with, Hilde Schebieker, or eating. That's all Duo ever does. Eat and talk, eat and talk... Trust me, I know these things. Well, he sleeps as well, but since it is midday, he would not be asleep, although I predict that he was until a few hours ago. Now that the war is over, I'm sure he is happy to get a chance to sleep late. And I doubt he's working. Hilde gets most of the workload their small business drags in, but she still puts up with Maxwell. I don't know how, but she does.
Trowa Barton is a man of mysteries, that is for sure. He has by far more than me. You see, what makes a man mysterious is the fact that he knows, but those around him do not. Trowa knows about his past, but does not talk. I however... That's besides the point. Despite how mysterious he may be, it's obvious he is either performing in front of a packed crowd or preparing to perform in front of a packed crowd. Trowa loves his work at the circus, more than he may like to admit. Just like he loves the girl claiming to be his sister, Catherine Bloom. Thanks to her, I know a few more of Trowa's mysteries.
Quatre is another person dedicated to his work. He owns a construction company in charge of most of the colony construction. He spends most of his time overseeing construction sites, and sometimes even taking out time from his busy schedule to call me. How he knows my number, I can only guess. He tells me how the others are, among other things. Quatre Raberba Winner. That's how he always introduces himself. He is by far the kindest of us. That's why the war hurt him the way it did. Kind people are always the ones most affected. But Quatre continues to care, the war never hardening him the way it hardened me, something I regret.
Chang Wufei is a man of justice. He fights only for what he thinks is right, and will do nothing for anyone unless he sees a reason for doing so. He's more confusing than the rest of us because of this. He keeps to himself, never really interacting with others, unless he sees fit. His co-workers at the PIA headquarters have strong wills for dealing with his fits. Wufei tends to get over-defensive, and also enjoys a good rant and argument or two with his co-workers, especially Sally Po. Him and Milliardo will get into it sometimes as well, but not as often. He just likes to get into it with people. He enjoyed the war some, I think. A chance for him to free some tension on the people who deserve it.
I wish that I could answer all my questions, but I can't. I don't know how to answer them all, especially my ones about one person. I spent more time with her that with a lot of the others, but my memory of her seems so faded. I almost think that I'll forget what she looks like, but I haven't, not yet, at least. I have to hold onto that one thing, for I remember only one other thing. I remember how she seemed insane to me. She seemed to not be able to get enough of me. Her complete infatuation with me is one of her lasting impressions on my mind. And maybe I'm supposed to remember that. If I do, then I know that when I finally get my life straight, and finally can function like a normal person, that I have someone who will love me dearly back. I have to remember that.
That is why I cannot be insane. My life does not focus around just the mission, like some people think. No, it doesn't. My life focuses around her, and the one thing that I must do in my life: get it straight. I have to get everything back in order, because I know that only then can I be there for her. I cannot take anymore than my own responsibilities right now. So one of these days I can, and I will return to her. I know she's thinking of me right now. That's all she ever did before, and she is not the type of person to go about changing her ways because a few people think it unsuitable. Namely her brother.
But you know what? They may be right. I know that I lost my sanity a long time ago, before I even knew what sanity was. And I was too young to know that I could turn it all around. It was just to late for me to get it straight, and I just fell further into the hole I was digging for myself. I didn't want to turn it around; I didn't want to get out. I was there, and I felt that there was nothing that I could do about it. Until I met her. Now I have to. So that I can get it straight and get my chance to return back to her. It is the driving force in my life, as you can see. Maybe I'm just as crazy as they say. It seems to me that it's possible. But I won't for long.
Maybe as you read this, you'll be able to help me some. My problem is obvious, I think, and my memories drive it deeper. I had no childhood. I destroyed it myself because I didn't know that I didn't have to live it. But now, maybe, you can help my climb out of my own grave before I'm buried it in. I have things that I would like to do, and a life I would like to live, but I cannot unless I get help. I have things that I want to do in my life. I want to be with her, the only thing that I can keep in this life I lead. I want to be with Relena.
Thank you for your time, Dr. Kaikaijiji, I know I may be a hopeless cause. I hope that you can do something for my poor weary soul before it's lost.
Sincerely,
Heero Yuy