A/N: Ok... this idea came while I watched 'Love, Actually' (I'm sure everyone loved it, LOL!) , and after watching it for the fifth time a day, I decided to come up with this and join it for the idea I had for another HP fanfic. LOL. Enjoy the Marauder-ness (that SHOULD be a word!) everyone! :) (slight J-L, slight S-R and Snape-Who?) Mwahaha!
A DATE FOR SNAPE
I really can't tell how all of this started. It's like one of those things that seem small at first and that slowly become something bigger and bigger to the point that you can't even shake a stick without hitting the problem. I should be used to it by now, knowing the people I hang out with...
But somehow I never do. The problem is, I am the only responsible person in the group. I think that before I arrived Sirius and James got into even worse messes (as if the ones they get in now weren't bad enough. Duh.). Even if I tell myself that every day I will make them take a real look at what they're doing, I end up joining them instead...
And enjoying it.
''Remus.'' I heard a voice call behind me. I turned around to see how Sirius Black, my fellow marauder, friend and.... Something I'd never confess to anyone, looked at me like a lost puppy. A sensation of doom crept over me and for a second I had the urge to let out one of those out-freaking girly screams. ''We have a problem.''
''Just HOW typical.'' I said before I could hold myself. We were lucky enough to be alone in the Gryffindor common room with no one eavesdropping... Or so we hoped, at least. I gazed at Sirius lifting my eyes from the book I'd been reading while he and James pranced about in the corridors playing pranks on everyone they knew. Peter would have usually gone with them... but he'd caught the flu and he was too bad to leave the room. ''What did you do this time?''
''Well...Snivellius.''
''I see why you don't like him, but maybe you should vary your list of potential victims from time to time, you know.'' Curiosity was too big. Snivellius- er... Severus Snape wasn't someone we particularly liked, so he usually suffered all sorts of atrocities... such as seeing his shoes super- glued to the floor, a rat in his socks (sometimes even Peter) or having all his books hidden somewhere where he wouldn't be able to find them.
''You're dying to know.'' Sirius practically purred, his worried expression turning into his usual cocky grin.
''And you're dying to tell me.'' I answered, resolute. ''Come on, what happens?''
''Well... do you remember that Snivellius found himself over the Wizardnet in underwear?'' Thanks to James' talent to put his face in someone else's picture, who could I forget? Peter was laughing so hard he choked. ''Dumbledore found out... and he said that we either make it up for him, or he expels us for a week.''
Wait, wait, wait, wait... Me, expelled? That'd be the first sign of the Apocalypse. Sirius gives me a 'please-don't-hit-me' look and a shy smile. For a moment I think he'll go Padfoot and beg crawling all over the floor. I can just imagine the face I have on right now... It must be between panic and anger.
''If I get expelled, I'm going to kill you.''
Sirius grits his teeth and then titles his head to the side. He always does that when he's thinking... once a year or something like that. Ahem, don't get me wrong. I love him and all of that. It's just that sometimes the urge to strangle him is too big.
''I know... that's why James and I came up with a plan.''
Oh, NO!
If James and Sirius come up with a plan, I can start packing my things because I know that before the week ends, we'll be back home. Or worse: we'll be back home with no chance of coming back here, because their plans are not only disasters... they are havocs.
''Do you want to know what we're up to?'' He asks me casually, as if he were asking if I want something to drink. This guy is just SO unbelievable. He's threatened about being expelled and he's all happy about it. (Then again, what else could I expect from him?)
''Of course I- WAIT! No! I don't even want to know what you two are going to do! We'll get kicked out and we'll be left homeless and expelled forever. I can feel that even before you tell me what all of this is about.''
''Oh, come on! Don't be like that!'' Sirius says, as I storm upstairs to the room and he follows me crawling up the stairs like a dog. ''We need your help!''
''In what?'' I say, before slamming the door in front of his nose. I hear him sigh at the other side of it. ''I'm not helping you with this. If you don't do anything, we'll be out for a week. If you actually DO something, we'll end up working with the house elves.'' I hear him start to complain, but I cut him off. ''And anyway, what do you want my help for?'' I ask, and open the door, just to see him right where I left him.
''If it's something stupid, you'd talk us out of it.'' He says, and sits on his bed happily. He fiddles with some books on my table and looks at some pictures, my homework, flips through pages and dismantles my order. ''We're finding Snape a date.''
The answer comes from me sincerely and directly.
''WHAT???''
''I said, we're finding him a d-''
''I know what you're saying. The problem is, I can't believe it!'' I cut him off. I start panting. This is worse than I expected. For all I know, Snape could end up dating a chicken crammed with Polyjuice Potion. ''Ok then... It's something stupid. Drop it!''
''No way in hell!'' Sirius says, as he copies some work for Divination, that by the way was supposed to be handed in yesterday. ''It's a master plan. If we find him a girl, we'll make up for years of disaster. He won't just forgive us... he'll worship us. So, start naming girls so we can join him with someone.''
GOD,WHY ME???
''Sirius... No one in their right mind would go out with him.'' I answer. But then again, no one in their right minds would go out with some guys who go crazy every full moon and prance around with tails, horns and any part of anatomy that's animal-related. ''Ok... who did you have in mind?''
''No one!'' Sirius quickly said. ''We hadn't thought of anyone, that's why we need you! You're friends with this girl James likes, Lily. Maybe she can help?''
''If she dates Snape, James dies. And do you want to be responsible for your best friend's death?'' Sirius grunts and smirks. ''She won't help if she knows you two are involved. You know she'd rather kiss Snape than let you two get away with a prank.''
''Then don't tell her that we're into this! Just say that Snivellius looks so alone and all of that, she'll get sentimental and find him a date.''
''Sirius... she's not stupid!'' I conclude. ''She'll know we're up to something, she always does.'' How can he not see that women always outsmart us? It's been happening to him all his life and he still can't believe it!
''Hmmm...''He seems to think. ''You try that, I'll try to find someone too.'' Remember I just said 'SEEMS'? This bloke will be the death of me. ''I have friends around... someone must be willing to go out with him!''
''I wouldn't be so sure of that.'' I mutter, as Sirius drags me out the room and into the corridors looking for some girl friends that owe him one. There is a sudden sensation of doom in the air. Or is it just me?
- - - - -
''Sooooo.....'' Sirius looks around in the corridor but doesn't seem to find any girls that he knows. James sees us soon and starts walking with us. ''Did you find anyone?'' So, that was where James was. It was rather surprising that the two of them didn't come back to the room together after being drilled by Dumbledore. Peter is probably finding Miss Hogwarts as well, I assume.
''Willing to date me, three.'' He shows us their phone numbers. ''But willing to date Snape? I don't think there's going to be any. Unless out next prank consists in drowning him in shampoo, that is.''
''How about Thelma Thunderflame? She sits by Remus in Moving Art.'' Sirius suggests. I just blink. If we ever set Thelma with Snape, one of them will die. (Most likely Snape). And since we don't want any blood around, we better drop that. I shake my head and my friends groan.
''It's a good chance to make things right before we leave forever this year.'' James says. It's such a shame that their last opportunity will be such a difficult deed (I don't want to say the word 'impossible', because I'd be called pessimistic).
''Oy! Selena!''Sirius calls. Selena Syren is the Hufflepuff girl we've got sitting in front of us in Transformations. Sirius somehow became friends with her after she made Lucius Malfoy's hair get caught at the door. She keeps us posted in what happens in her house so we know what's going on all the time in the places we can't be at.
She's nice...if you assume that she can't be too sane to be friends with Sirius. And with the rest of us, for that matter. When Padfoot calls, she smiles and greets the three of us happily. Woah, I hadn't noticed that her hair is past her hips. Is that why she says she's got more hair than brain? Pretty ,big hazel eyes, too... Well, pretty girl over all. Did I mention the fact that she knows I'm madly in love with Sirius? She does. And thinks I should tell him. (As if!) See how I know she's mentally unstable?
''Sel, do you have any free friends?'' Sirius suddenly burst. Selena seems freaked out for a moment and looks at me frantically. Panic! Panic!
''Why? Do you want to start dating someone? Because, you know, the love of your life could be in front of you and you could have not noticed, or-'' Woah... thanks, Sel.
''No, not me!'' Sirius says. Selena lets out a sigh that's maybe too relieved for what she should have been. (She'd not supposed to pant and look at me in desperation if Sirius wanted to get someone else! She'll blow my cover!) Well, I stop panicking because this is a scene I don't want to miss. ''Sel, would you date Severus Snape?''
''WHAT???''
''So, yes or no?''
''Sirius, no one in their right minds...'' Before she continues I send Padfoot an 'I told you so!' look that he deliberately ignores. He shakes his hand in front of Sel and she stops ranting.
''Would any of your friends do it? For me? For you? Even if I have to pay? Or BEG?'' Ohoho, I'd like to see that. James and Sirius on their knees would be worth watching. The event of the year.
''Maybe Thelma.'' Sel says. ''I think she likes him.'' My jaw drops. It's one of those moments when you think 'But he/she wastotally normal to me!''. ''But I don't think she would, either... she chased him around for a while but's given up because he's so mean to her. And to everyone, too...'' She muses.
''We need someone odd. Odd enough to date Snape. We won't bother you anymore if you find us a girl for him. Please?'' James tells Sel. She seems to think hard (does she think once a year as well?).
''There is a girl in my house that... well, she's surely odd enough.'' Sel states. Sirius grins. ''She's not the smartest cookie, but bright enough. She's good at Devination. Her name is Sybil Trelawney.''
Sybil Trelawney.
This gets worse every time. Or maybe not? Sybil is one of these hippie- looking girls, with big glasses and lots of hair that sticks around everywhere. She also makes predictions that are literally do die for. She's been doing it every year, at least since I met her.
''Perfect!'' James says. ''Thanks, Sel!'' Selena bids farewell to us after asking something about the homework that she hasn't done, either (am I the only one who works here???). James and Sirius rant and plan... and freak me out completely. This is not right. It's just NOT right. Sybil gets out of a class and they both rush to her.
''Where are you going!?''I ask them both and I try to hold them back. They look at me oddly. ''You can't do that! You can't interfere! If it looks like you set them up, Snape won't even look at her, you DOLTS!''
There are several seconds of stunned silence between the three of us.
''You're right...'' James says, and we all head back to the house. Our school day is over. ''We need to make this discreet. Ideas?''
''I read something about a Fate Potion...'' Sirius starts. ''Bt it's difficult to do.''
''STRIKE!'' James says with a grin. ''Remus can do the potion for us!''
GAH! Did I just hear my name?
''True.'' Sirius smiles at me. Almost too sweetly. (I start to wonder if Selena is right. Or can she read minds?)
''Fine.'' I end up saying, but I don't look at Sirius. (What do I tell him if he sees HOW I look at him, anyway?) ''But if this goes wrong, I will deny working in this.''
James and Sirius do The Happy Dance, that has a lot in common with Snoopy's Dance, actually, but without all the flowers around (unless we are in the gardens). Then we all trot back 'home'.
We pass Snape on our way there and he sends us The Glare.
How did I end up in this, again?
A DATE FOR SNAPE
I really can't tell how all of this started. It's like one of those things that seem small at first and that slowly become something bigger and bigger to the point that you can't even shake a stick without hitting the problem. I should be used to it by now, knowing the people I hang out with...
But somehow I never do. The problem is, I am the only responsible person in the group. I think that before I arrived Sirius and James got into even worse messes (as if the ones they get in now weren't bad enough. Duh.). Even if I tell myself that every day I will make them take a real look at what they're doing, I end up joining them instead...
And enjoying it.
''Remus.'' I heard a voice call behind me. I turned around to see how Sirius Black, my fellow marauder, friend and.... Something I'd never confess to anyone, looked at me like a lost puppy. A sensation of doom crept over me and for a second I had the urge to let out one of those out-freaking girly screams. ''We have a problem.''
''Just HOW typical.'' I said before I could hold myself. We were lucky enough to be alone in the Gryffindor common room with no one eavesdropping... Or so we hoped, at least. I gazed at Sirius lifting my eyes from the book I'd been reading while he and James pranced about in the corridors playing pranks on everyone they knew. Peter would have usually gone with them... but he'd caught the flu and he was too bad to leave the room. ''What did you do this time?''
''Well...Snivellius.''
''I see why you don't like him, but maybe you should vary your list of potential victims from time to time, you know.'' Curiosity was too big. Snivellius- er... Severus Snape wasn't someone we particularly liked, so he usually suffered all sorts of atrocities... such as seeing his shoes super- glued to the floor, a rat in his socks (sometimes even Peter) or having all his books hidden somewhere where he wouldn't be able to find them.
''You're dying to know.'' Sirius practically purred, his worried expression turning into his usual cocky grin.
''And you're dying to tell me.'' I answered, resolute. ''Come on, what happens?''
''Well... do you remember that Snivellius found himself over the Wizardnet in underwear?'' Thanks to James' talent to put his face in someone else's picture, who could I forget? Peter was laughing so hard he choked. ''Dumbledore found out... and he said that we either make it up for him, or he expels us for a week.''
Wait, wait, wait, wait... Me, expelled? That'd be the first sign of the Apocalypse. Sirius gives me a 'please-don't-hit-me' look and a shy smile. For a moment I think he'll go Padfoot and beg crawling all over the floor. I can just imagine the face I have on right now... It must be between panic and anger.
''If I get expelled, I'm going to kill you.''
Sirius grits his teeth and then titles his head to the side. He always does that when he's thinking... once a year or something like that. Ahem, don't get me wrong. I love him and all of that. It's just that sometimes the urge to strangle him is too big.
''I know... that's why James and I came up with a plan.''
Oh, NO!
If James and Sirius come up with a plan, I can start packing my things because I know that before the week ends, we'll be back home. Or worse: we'll be back home with no chance of coming back here, because their plans are not only disasters... they are havocs.
''Do you want to know what we're up to?'' He asks me casually, as if he were asking if I want something to drink. This guy is just SO unbelievable. He's threatened about being expelled and he's all happy about it. (Then again, what else could I expect from him?)
''Of course I- WAIT! No! I don't even want to know what you two are going to do! We'll get kicked out and we'll be left homeless and expelled forever. I can feel that even before you tell me what all of this is about.''
''Oh, come on! Don't be like that!'' Sirius says, as I storm upstairs to the room and he follows me crawling up the stairs like a dog. ''We need your help!''
''In what?'' I say, before slamming the door in front of his nose. I hear him sigh at the other side of it. ''I'm not helping you with this. If you don't do anything, we'll be out for a week. If you actually DO something, we'll end up working with the house elves.'' I hear him start to complain, but I cut him off. ''And anyway, what do you want my help for?'' I ask, and open the door, just to see him right where I left him.
''If it's something stupid, you'd talk us out of it.'' He says, and sits on his bed happily. He fiddles with some books on my table and looks at some pictures, my homework, flips through pages and dismantles my order. ''We're finding Snape a date.''
The answer comes from me sincerely and directly.
''WHAT???''
''I said, we're finding him a d-''
''I know what you're saying. The problem is, I can't believe it!'' I cut him off. I start panting. This is worse than I expected. For all I know, Snape could end up dating a chicken crammed with Polyjuice Potion. ''Ok then... It's something stupid. Drop it!''
''No way in hell!'' Sirius says, as he copies some work for Divination, that by the way was supposed to be handed in yesterday. ''It's a master plan. If we find him a girl, we'll make up for years of disaster. He won't just forgive us... he'll worship us. So, start naming girls so we can join him with someone.''
GOD,WHY ME???
''Sirius... No one in their right mind would go out with him.'' I answer. But then again, no one in their right minds would go out with some guys who go crazy every full moon and prance around with tails, horns and any part of anatomy that's animal-related. ''Ok... who did you have in mind?''
''No one!'' Sirius quickly said. ''We hadn't thought of anyone, that's why we need you! You're friends with this girl James likes, Lily. Maybe she can help?''
''If she dates Snape, James dies. And do you want to be responsible for your best friend's death?'' Sirius grunts and smirks. ''She won't help if she knows you two are involved. You know she'd rather kiss Snape than let you two get away with a prank.''
''Then don't tell her that we're into this! Just say that Snivellius looks so alone and all of that, she'll get sentimental and find him a date.''
''Sirius... she's not stupid!'' I conclude. ''She'll know we're up to something, she always does.'' How can he not see that women always outsmart us? It's been happening to him all his life and he still can't believe it!
''Hmmm...''He seems to think. ''You try that, I'll try to find someone too.'' Remember I just said 'SEEMS'? This bloke will be the death of me. ''I have friends around... someone must be willing to go out with him!''
''I wouldn't be so sure of that.'' I mutter, as Sirius drags me out the room and into the corridors looking for some girl friends that owe him one. There is a sudden sensation of doom in the air. Or is it just me?
- - - - -
''Sooooo.....'' Sirius looks around in the corridor but doesn't seem to find any girls that he knows. James sees us soon and starts walking with us. ''Did you find anyone?'' So, that was where James was. It was rather surprising that the two of them didn't come back to the room together after being drilled by Dumbledore. Peter is probably finding Miss Hogwarts as well, I assume.
''Willing to date me, three.'' He shows us their phone numbers. ''But willing to date Snape? I don't think there's going to be any. Unless out next prank consists in drowning him in shampoo, that is.''
''How about Thelma Thunderflame? She sits by Remus in Moving Art.'' Sirius suggests. I just blink. If we ever set Thelma with Snape, one of them will die. (Most likely Snape). And since we don't want any blood around, we better drop that. I shake my head and my friends groan.
''It's a good chance to make things right before we leave forever this year.'' James says. It's such a shame that their last opportunity will be such a difficult deed (I don't want to say the word 'impossible', because I'd be called pessimistic).
''Oy! Selena!''Sirius calls. Selena Syren is the Hufflepuff girl we've got sitting in front of us in Transformations. Sirius somehow became friends with her after she made Lucius Malfoy's hair get caught at the door. She keeps us posted in what happens in her house so we know what's going on all the time in the places we can't be at.
She's nice...if you assume that she can't be too sane to be friends with Sirius. And with the rest of us, for that matter. When Padfoot calls, she smiles and greets the three of us happily. Woah, I hadn't noticed that her hair is past her hips. Is that why she says she's got more hair than brain? Pretty ,big hazel eyes, too... Well, pretty girl over all. Did I mention the fact that she knows I'm madly in love with Sirius? She does. And thinks I should tell him. (As if!) See how I know she's mentally unstable?
''Sel, do you have any free friends?'' Sirius suddenly burst. Selena seems freaked out for a moment and looks at me frantically. Panic! Panic!
''Why? Do you want to start dating someone? Because, you know, the love of your life could be in front of you and you could have not noticed, or-'' Woah... thanks, Sel.
''No, not me!'' Sirius says. Selena lets out a sigh that's maybe too relieved for what she should have been. (She'd not supposed to pant and look at me in desperation if Sirius wanted to get someone else! She'll blow my cover!) Well, I stop panicking because this is a scene I don't want to miss. ''Sel, would you date Severus Snape?''
''WHAT???''
''So, yes or no?''
''Sirius, no one in their right minds...'' Before she continues I send Padfoot an 'I told you so!' look that he deliberately ignores. He shakes his hand in front of Sel and she stops ranting.
''Would any of your friends do it? For me? For you? Even if I have to pay? Or BEG?'' Ohoho, I'd like to see that. James and Sirius on their knees would be worth watching. The event of the year.
''Maybe Thelma.'' Sel says. ''I think she likes him.'' My jaw drops. It's one of those moments when you think 'But he/she wastotally normal to me!''. ''But I don't think she would, either... she chased him around for a while but's given up because he's so mean to her. And to everyone, too...'' She muses.
''We need someone odd. Odd enough to date Snape. We won't bother you anymore if you find us a girl for him. Please?'' James tells Sel. She seems to think hard (does she think once a year as well?).
''There is a girl in my house that... well, she's surely odd enough.'' Sel states. Sirius grins. ''She's not the smartest cookie, but bright enough. She's good at Devination. Her name is Sybil Trelawney.''
Sybil Trelawney.
This gets worse every time. Or maybe not? Sybil is one of these hippie- looking girls, with big glasses and lots of hair that sticks around everywhere. She also makes predictions that are literally do die for. She's been doing it every year, at least since I met her.
''Perfect!'' James says. ''Thanks, Sel!'' Selena bids farewell to us after asking something about the homework that she hasn't done, either (am I the only one who works here???). James and Sirius rant and plan... and freak me out completely. This is not right. It's just NOT right. Sybil gets out of a class and they both rush to her.
''Where are you going!?''I ask them both and I try to hold them back. They look at me oddly. ''You can't do that! You can't interfere! If it looks like you set them up, Snape won't even look at her, you DOLTS!''
There are several seconds of stunned silence between the three of us.
''You're right...'' James says, and we all head back to the house. Our school day is over. ''We need to make this discreet. Ideas?''
''I read something about a Fate Potion...'' Sirius starts. ''Bt it's difficult to do.''
''STRIKE!'' James says with a grin. ''Remus can do the potion for us!''
GAH! Did I just hear my name?
''True.'' Sirius smiles at me. Almost too sweetly. (I start to wonder if Selena is right. Or can she read minds?)
''Fine.'' I end up saying, but I don't look at Sirius. (What do I tell him if he sees HOW I look at him, anyway?) ''But if this goes wrong, I will deny working in this.''
James and Sirius do The Happy Dance, that has a lot in common with Snoopy's Dance, actually, but without all the flowers around (unless we are in the gardens). Then we all trot back 'home'.
We pass Snape on our way there and he sends us The Glare.
How did I end up in this, again?