Melancholy

by Minnionette

Three days after the Kyuubi has attacked Konoha - three days after the deaths of Minato, Kushina, and countless others - there isn't enough time to get done everything that is needed. When the newly-reinstated Hokage finally has some time to himself, he realizes that any time spent by himself is too much time. (Litter of Misfits)

Sarutobi Hiruzen's bed was empty for the first time in thirty-two years. Well, not completely empty – a small corner was occupied by a three-day old infant with a large tuft of blond hair, but it was empty of what mattered the most to him. He stared at the left side of the bed where his own wife had laid together with him for thirty-two years. They had been married longer than the average shinobi lived.

The pillow was indented from the weight of Biwako's head from the last time she slept there. Some strands of her gray here still clung to the pillowcase.

It might as well have been a lifetime ago, when Konoha was still standing, Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina were still alive, and he had been retired. He had kissed his wife's forehead that morning, and bid her a good day as she left to help Kushina with the birth. Biwako had been a competent midwife with nearly four decades of experience, and she didn't express any fear or concerns. They had parted on good terms – that had to count for something, surely. Hiruzen often heard from widowed spouses their regrets for harsh or unkind words that had been exchanged, the last things spoken, before death stole their loved ones. He had always made it a habit to part from Biwako with good words – words that would always comfort her if he died in the field.

It had never occurred to Hiruzen that he would outlive his civilian wife.

After making sure that Naruto was swaddled tightly and placed on his side of the bed, Hiruzen tried to sleep on Biwako's side. It didn't feel right – the dips and sways of the mattress were all wrong. The sounds of an infant breathing jarred his frayed nerves, and the warmth that radiated from his left was gone. Her scent was faint - oh so faint - and soon, that too would be gone. Another piece of his wife would shortly disappear completely from this world.

He wondered how Biwako had died – alone? Saving someone? Did she see death coming in the form of the Kyuubi, or had it been all over before she knew what was going on? He desperately hoped that her death had been quick and painless.

After tossing and turning for about an hour, Hiruzen shoved the covers back and sat on the edge of the bed to stare out the window. It was closed to prevent the entrance of smoke still polluting the air from various smoldering fires, but he felt trapped, smothered from the lingering heat from what would've been a lovely summer day. The home that he and Biwako had made together, a home that had always been filled with love and laughter, felt tight and smothering. He couldn't stay in their bedroom. It was too much. Just too much.

He gathered Naruto in his arms and left for the living room. Beside the rarely-used fireplace was Biwako's rocking chair, where a basket of rolled yarn balls and a half-knitted blanket of orange and yellow rested. He sat in the rocking chair and tried not to think of how Biwako had announced she was making something for the Fourth Hokage's lover. Hiruzen had known the lover was Kushina – he hadn't known why Biwako tried to be so secretive about it.

He rocked in the chair; it glided smoothly without creaking wood. Naruto slumbered blissfully in his arms.

It wasn't right. This was Biwako's chair – over there was the cushion he always knelt on in the evening, enjoying his pipe and newspaper that he never got around to reading in the morning. His wife should be here, right now… not gone.

("You may be the Professor, the Great and Mighty God of Shinobi, but you're just a man, Hiruzen, and a silly man at that.")

Where are you when I need you, my love?

Gone. He had said goodbye to many people in his lifetime, figuratively-speaking of course, because they were always gone before he could say goodbye, but this he had never expected…

Hiruzen stood and paced the length of his house, wall to wall. All the windows were closed, and the indoor air was stale. Even the stench of smoke and burnt flesh, of sorrow and survivor's guilt, even that had to be better than this sour lingering of loss.

Hiruzen snatched the diaper bag that Uchiha Mikoto had assembled earlier that day for him and draped it over his shoulder. With the empty shadows following at his back, he slipped out of his house with the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki securely held in his arms. He gently looped one of blanket's folds over Naruto's face to protect the tender young lungs from the floating ash and smoke. He was utterly alone, because even the usual Hokage guards were dead, in the hospital, or trying to help pick up pieces around the village. There was so much to do, not enough time, and not enough hands.

After a moment of walking through the street, which was intact because it had been missed completely in the Kyuubi's attack, he returned to the front door of his home and used a kunai to pin a hastily-scribbled note to the wood: Gone to Danzo's house. You know where to find me if I'm needed.

Of course he would be needed – he was the Third Hokage, he was the solid presence that got sucked into the vacuum that Minato's death had created. But after three days of not sleeping, of working nonstop to evaluate the damages and to move forces to shield their vulnerabilities from any enemy that would take advantage of Konoha, no one would come tonight and disturb his badly-needed rest without it being an emergency even more dire than what was currently happening.

oOoOoOo

Danzo's place was close to the destructive path that the Kyuubi had taken through the village before Minato managed to transport it away from the center. The little house looked as desolate and dark as its owner, and was singed and cracked, but not shattered. Most of the windows were still intact. Hiruzen easily evaded the traps in the front yard, undid the four locks on the door, and listened closely. Nah, the front door was too obvious. He decided to pry open and climb through a back basement window. He promptly lost in the basement, because of course Danzo would build a house that accessed the Konoha underground sewers that the First Hokage had created from tree roots back in the founding of the village. Naruto was awake with his fist stuffed in his mouth, eyes half-drooped and trained mostly on Hiruzen's collarbone. "Remind me to have a word later with Danzo on his unusual access to the tunnels." Naruto yawned at that.

Hiruzen carefully made his way through a number of other traps – genjutsu and weapon-loaded, Danzo never did anything by half – before reaching the first floor. He eventually made it to the back end of a room that was used as storage, dusty and smelling slightly of mildew. He tapped the walls for a few moments before he finally managed to make the secret panel pop open. Then he ducked the barrage of poison-tipped needles. He stayed still, even after the barrage of needles finished, before a wave of ferocious flames swept through the area. When the last bit of fire was gone, Hiruzen adjusted his hat and stood. He stepped through the opening and closed the panel behind himself.

The room was austere, almost severe in its simplicity. It had a woven basket where a number of identical crisp, clean clothing changes were kept, a chest where a number of sharpened weapons were carefully stored, and a sleeping pallet that had an ancient quilt.

And an occupant who should've been in the hospital.

Danzo glared at him, resting on his back with the ancient quilt pulled up to his chin. "What the hell are you doing here?" He sounded tired and grumpy, although most of the usual biting sting was absent from the question.

Hiruzen settled on the floor and exchanged a look with Naruto. Naruto yawned and rooted against Hiruzen's chest, making fussing little chirps. "Aren't you supposed to be in traction?" He had been hoping to curl up and nap on Danzo's pallet, because it was kept in a secured location and smelled nothing like Biwako. Danzo's scent was familiar to him - he had to share enough tents and sleeping bags with Danzo when they were Team Tobirama decades ago, wandering all over the continent, that Danzo's scent was oddly comforting. They had been friends for almost half a century. That was longer than most marriages. Hiruzen's actual spouse sometimes said that he and Danzo sometimes acted even more like an old married couple than she and Hiruzen did. Hiruzen didn't see it though; Biwako was nice, sweet, congenial - they never had to bicker about anything.

Danzo snorted and rolled over onto his left side. "I freed up a bed for someone who needed it more than I." Hiruzen eyed what he could see uncovered by the quilt – Danzo's bandages appeared fresh and tight, so he knew that someone had provided care recently. The last he heard, Danzo's right arm and right leg had been burned and shattered by the Kyuubi's foul chakra, and it was a miracle that Danzo still retained those limbs. There had been many amputations in the last seventy-two hours.

"Someone took good care of you."

"That buffoon of a subordinate of mine patched me up better than the sorry medics still left in the hospital." Danzo also muttered something about how he didn't even need patching up, he got by just fine without any assistance.

"Well, that was very considerate of Sakumo. But just because you can successfully sneak out of the hospital doesn't mean you should." Hiruzen had a sudden realization that there was going to be a very quiet exodus of wounded ninjas from the hospital in the next few days. He was going to have to assign some guards just to catch people sneaking out of the windows.

"If I'm well enough to escape the third floor and crawl home mostly without assistance, then I don't need to stay in the hospital." The bandaged shoulder then listlessly shrugged. "Why are you even here, Hiruzen? Don't you have a lot more things to do than come creeping into my lair with a baby on tow?"

Hiruzen turned his eyes on the fussing baby. A quick check of the diaper revealed nothing needed changing, so he carefully cradled Naruto in his legs to free his hands. "Did you really, though? Crawl home mostly without assistance?" As he unslung the diaper bag from his shoulder, Danzo carefully rolled over and considered Hiruzen with a pointed stare.

And then came a reluctant admission. "I got half-way before Sakumo found me. I told that idiot to put me down, I was making good time on my own." Sakumo was so rarely in his right mind since his attempted suicide, preferring to wander through Konoha like a half-wild ghostly bum, dumpster-diving and overall being a living eternal embarrassment for Kakashi. "I'm sure you could easily find someone else to do babysitting."

Hiruzen was surprised that after the Kyuubi's attack, Sakumo would still have enough wherewithal to recognize Danzo's vulnerability and cart him home. Every now and again, a spark of that S-class shinobi would rise to the top and briefly override the usual insanity. He withdrew the formula from the bag. "His parents are dead."

"So I've gathered." Danzo's voice was flat and free of inflection. "And you're back to being Hokage once more, which should give you power to assign someone else."

Hiruzen's hands were steady as he transferred the formula to a clean bottle. He twisted the nipple on with more force than was necessary. "There are very few people I would trust Naruto's safety to."

"Few, truly? What about Biwako?"

Damn it. Hiruzen forced himself to breathe normally, to not let his air hitch or catch in his throat. He gently repositioned Naruto in his arms to do the feeding. "No. I'm afraid not."

There was a pause as he felt Danzo's piercing stare. Then, softly, "Ah. I see."

Do you? Hiruzen wondered, blinking rapidly as his vision blurred. You haven't dared to love since Tobirama-sensei chose to die for us. What do you know about losing the person who was your heart, your soul, your other half? Still, to distract Danzo from his own mind wandering down a Memory Lane paved with a lifetime of regrets and self-imposed cowardice, Hiruzen said, "Naruto is now our jinchuuriki."

"Ah." Danzo's eye fluttered shut for a moment. "I had wondered if Kushina had died when the Kyuubi was released. He is rather unusually young to be a jinchuuriki." The eye opened, and the sudden gleam in it made Hiruzen snort derisively.

"No," Hiruzen said firmly as he stuffed the bottle into Naruto's mouth. The baby eagerly sucked down the formula - this one had a healthy appetite for being so young. "I won't allow it."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know what you're thinking."

"Mind-reading isn't in your extensive repertoire of abilities. You're good, Professor, but you're not that good."

"I've known you since we were seven years old. I don't have to read your mind when I'm already familiar with your habits and decisions, good or bad, self-serving and self-destructive alike."

"You only think you know what I'm thinking."

"Oh, I know. I know that you think that because Naruto is unusually young as the jinchuuriki that he'll be much easier to train into a weapon, and I'm telling you right now, I won't allow that. Naruto is the legacy of Namikaze Minato, and Minato has always felt that children should be children, not warriors or weapons. He told me as such when he took on Kakashi."

Danzo sighed and burrowed into his quilt, delicately turning back to his left side so his back was to Hiruzen. "You're an idiot. What're you going to do with him, then?"

Hiruzen studied Naruto for a moment. Naruto's eyes were closed, but he was still busy eating. "I'm still trying to figure that part out."

"He's young." After a pause, Danzo added with an edge of laughter in his voice, "I can feel the glare you're giving me."

"And that's the second most obvious thing you've said in the last ten seconds. Tell me something I don't know."

"He's small and vulnerable. If someone doesn't kill him because he's hosting the Kyuubi, then he's easy enough for the enemies of the Fourth or the enemies of Konoha to kidnap."

"I've already made it an S-class state secret of the jinchuuriki's identity. And really, there's very few of us who know that Kushina's child was fathered by Minato." After a pause, Hiruzen's gaze went to the back of Danzo's head. "I can feel the glare you're giving the wall and would rather aim at me."

Danzo gingerly sat upright. His movements were slow and careful, but that didn't stop the cringe of pain that crossed his face as he carefully arranged limbs and quilt. Then he carefully rotated around so he could face Hiruzen with the glare that had been aimed at the wall. "Hiruzen, that boy had been mooning after Kushina long before we rescued Kushina from Kumo, and it was as obvious as your face on that cliff over there." He gestured to the direction of the Hokage Monument. "Anyone who isn't blind is going to know that Minato was the father of Kushina's baby, and even then, a blind person could feel their smoochy, sugary love from another country. Want to think through that again?"

That wasn't fair. "I'm working with what I've got. Leave me alone." That came out more sulky than he intended, but still... Hiruzen had been trying to balance babysitting with rebuilding and rerunning a village with outdated information. Their undercover community alone was probably collapsed if Minato didn't have an overseer somewhere as a backup. Hiruzen hoped that Minato had been wise enough to have an overseer, even if he chose someone different from Hiruzen's original overseer, because trying to rebuild that would be infinitely worse than the physical structures and metaphorical lives of Konoha. They needed a functioning Infiltration and Reconnaissance community to know if their enemies were going to aim a strike at Konoha, especially after what happened three days ago. Hiruzen knew that the viability of the village was standing on the edge of a cliff, and it would take very little to finish destroying them.

But he couldn't show vulnerability or fears as the Hokage. He was supposed to be strong for Konoha, because the people looked toward him for guidance. He had to show Konohagakure that they would rise strong out of the flames, that their Will of Fire was greater than the Kyuubi's flames. Hiruzen led by example, and if seeing him tall and confident made the survivors straighten a little taller, curl their fists in determination instead of frustration, then he would remain tall and confident for all to see.

Danzo dragged a hand down his face, as if trying to wipe away disgust and exhaustion. "How much sleep have you had since the Kyuubi's attack?"

Hiruzen cracked a smile. "Sleep?"

"Yeah. That thing where you close your eyes and drift away into slumberland so your brain is refreshed to make better decisions."

The smile splintered. "I last slept when the Kyuubi attacked. I tried, tonight. But... but my bed is empty." Her scent was still lingering, her hair was still on the pillow. Everything about that damn bed reminded him of Biwako - of her sleepy morning smile, the way she would sprawl all over and push him to the edge of the mattress so she could spread all her limbs, the sweat on her soft skin and the tangle in the sheets when they made love - she was gone and not coming back and oh god how did he manage to outlive his civilian wife?

Danzo knotted his fingers in his quilt and looked supremely flustered until Hiruzen managed to make the tears stop. Then he carefully extended a ball of clean dressing. "It's the closest thing I have to a hand kerchief," he said in explanation. Hiruzen used the dressing to swipe at his eyes. "If it... if it makes you feel any better, I was Minato's overseer, so we haven't lost what was built outside of our walls."

Hiruzen did feel better knowing that their Infiltration and Reconnaissance hadn't collapsed. "That's one burden lifted from my shoulders." He pried the bottle loose from Naruto's mouth, and repositioned the baby belly-side down on his left forearm so he could firmly pat the little back. He moved effortlessly - raising three children had left the indelible marks of fatherhood on his soul. "I haven't breathed a word to confirm Naruto's heritage, and I've declared his status as a jinchuuriki to be S-class secret. Um. However, word had spread of Naruto being a jinchuuriki before I could issue an official declaration, so I'm afraid that it's likely all adults are aware of who he is, unlike Kushina." Kushina had been virtually unknown as the jinchuuriki. To this day, he still didn't know if Kumo had been aware that they had captured the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki, or if they were just happy to get their hands on one of the last known Uzumaki from the destroyed Whirlpool. "It's going to be very difficult to find a family willing to adopt him. I'm afraid he'll have to go to the orphanage."

Danzo considered that for a moment. "It has its advantages. There's going to be so many orphans with the Kyuubi's rampage that he'll blend right in, one more face in the crowd, and that will make it harder for our enemies to find him."

"I sense a 'but' about to come." Having finished burping Naruto, he swaddled the baby in one of the receiving blankets in the diaper bag. It was black with the Uchiha fan spread across the center, but that was okay. Mikoto had been Kushina's friend. He hugged Naruto close to his chest, and Naruto's eyes fluttered shut at the sound of Hiruzen's beating heart.

"Ah, perhaps you can read my mind." Danzo's voice was dry. "But all the orphanages are run by civilians. The jinchuuriki will be raised like a civilian in the first few years. Between the Kyuubi and that nearly-limitless Uzumaki chakra, he'll have to go to the Academy to learn how to control his reserves. You're going to be setting him up for failure - he should be raised by a shinobi clan. And I know what you're going to say, but that's not the same as training him to be a weapon. It would be giving the jinchuuriki the tools he needs to succeed with his abilities."

"Minato was a civilian orphan."

"Minato was a genius, and his genes weren't tainted by Uzumaki Kushina's nonsense."

Hiruzen always knew that Danzo felt that Kushina didn't live always live up to the potential of Uzumaki Mito, but really? Tainted genes, really? "That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

"Her team threw a honey badger and an entire nest of angry wasps over the wall of a bandit hideout, thinking this would help the captives they were supposed to rescue. The captives begged to be returned to their kidnappers because their kidnappers weren't trying to kill them like their rescuers were!"

Ah, yes. Hiruzen's memory of Kushina, her teammates, and their sensei standing before his desk, all looking sheepish, scratched to hell by the badger and Inuzuka Tsume covered in wasp stings, was clear. "Did you know that Kushina and Tsume wanted to keep the honey badger after that mission? They even named the badger, Mister Honey." It felt nice to share a happy memory of Kushina - it didn't hurt as much as other memories.

"Surely you jest."

"No. It broke their hearts when I refused them."

"Where the hell where they going to keep a wild honey badger? Were they going to just dump it in the Nara Forest and visit it on weekends?"

Well, considering how Uchiha Madara had nearly destroyed a six-year-old Tsume's brain when she discovered him while wandering unsupervised through the Nara Forest, maybe a honey badger would've been a wise addition as a security force. And that made Hiruzen think about Konoha's current security forces, or lack thereof. "They might've been on to something," he said as he rubbed his chin in thought.

Danzo eyed Hiruzen. "No," he said firmly. "I won't allow it."

"I'm the Hokage, I get to tell others what to do - not the other way around. That's the privilege of wearing this hat. Besides," Hiruzen grinned, "you don't know what I'm thinking."

"I know what you're thinking, because you aren't. You're too tired to be thinking. You should do that when you're better rested, or you're going to regret your decisions."

"Mind-reading isn't in your extensive repertoire of abilities. You're good, War Hawk, but you're not that good."

Danzo had one arm wrapped in bandages from shoulder to fingertips. That meant he had another arm to raise in the air and fingers, although bruised, that were easily manipulated so Danzo could flip off Hiruzen. "Fuck you, Hokage. I've known you since we were seven years old, and if you haven't slept in three days, you don't have enough of a mind left to read."

It also felt good to smile at Danzo, who was one of the very few brave enough and comfortable enough to be so insulting to Hiruzen. "You only think you know what I'm thinking."

"I just said you weren't thinking. We are not going to release a thousand angry honey badgers into the forest around Konoha to keep out any invading enemies."

Their banter was interrupted by a shinobi yelling outside of Danzo's house. "Hokage-sama? Hokage-sama, I have an important message to give you." This was shortly followed by a terrified scream and a loud, wet crunch that vibrated through the wall.

Hiruzen sighed as the smile on his face fell away. "I'm coming!" he yelled back, distantly hoping that Danzo's trap hadn't killed an innocent messenger. "My duty calls." He sighed as his shoulders slumped forward. "It never ends."

Danzo studied him. "So it goes. But you need to get some sleep, or it's going to be even worse than when you tried to run Konoha while doped up on cough syrup."

Hiruzen knew of the day Danzo referred to. That was when times were simpler. He wondered if they would ever be able to return to such peace and relaxation. "I'll sleep when I die." So many other people had already died. He had to lead in their place, make decisions for them. He needed to do the work of a hundred people, which meant being awake as long as a hundred people combined.

Danzo reached across the empty space between them - Shimura Danzo, a man who shied away from any contact, who resented the friendship that others offered to him, who sneered at comfort - and rested his hand upon Hiruzen's shoulder. Hiruzen stared at the hand that was open, unclenched, free of weapons, and then remembered that it was important to breathe. "What can I do to help you?"

Hell had frozen over. Or, well... the Kyuubi had been released and decimated Konoha. That was close enough to hell freezing over.

Before Danzo could change his mind, Hiruzen shoved the sleeping baby and diaper bag onto Danzo's lap. "...what?" Naruto protested the change in position by bellowing very loudly.

Hiruzen's words rushed out of him, speaking so quickly that Danzo wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise and loud enough to be heard over the screaming infant. "I know I can trust you to take care of Naruto without trying to kill or kidnap him. If you did try to run away, you can't move too fast, so it would be easy enough to catch you, and it's not like anyone has the nerve to try kidnapping Naruto from beneath your nose." Now, how did he pry open to hidden panel from this side of the wall? "He's safe here. This is the safest place in Konoha for Naruto to be. I'll be back when I have a free moment."

"Wait!" If eyes had daggers, Hiruzen would be bleeding out all over the floor right now. "How the hell am I supposed to take care of a baby? Does he even come with an off button?"

Click. Ah, so one had to actually step on the floorboard there. Interesting. "Danzo." Hiruzen finally looked over his shoulder and pinned Danzo with the sternest expression he could muster. Given how infuriated and down-right pouty Danzo looked, it was hard to make the expression as stern as Hiruzen wanted. "If you are well enough to drag your own broken body away from the hospital, you are well enough to watch a baby."

A heartbeat passed along with a moment of silence as Naruto drew in a deep breath. Oh damn, Danzo actually looked like he was considering returning to the hospital just to get out of babysitting. After another heartbeat passed along with an endless screech. Danzo gritted his teeth. "Four hours. After that, you get your scrawny ass back here for some sleep. So help me, Hokage-sama, Naruto isn't the only person around here who apparently needs a caregiver."

Hiruzen's expression melted into a smile, and then he left without a word. He kinda had to - the neglected messenger was trying not to bleed to death. Just where the hell did Danzo manage to find and animate the snapping skull of a dinosaur? "Overkill, Danzo!" he yelled over his shoulder as he sidestepped the jaws and destroyed the skull with a chakra-powered punch. Or thought he destroyed it, as the pieces reassembled themselves with sealwork flaring black against the white bone, and now the eye sockets were glowing red. "You paranoid bastard!"

Minato should've just dumped the Kyuubi in the middle of Danzo's house.