Zetsu was a god. Not the traditional sort of god, but the absolute fucking powerful titan-ass kicking better-than-Zeus level god.
And unlike the traditional gods, no one recognized his glory. To the mortals, he was nothing more than talking aloe vera with legs. To the nonbelievers, he was another Akatsuki punk. But he was so much more; Zetsu had a whole artillery of badassery contained within only his pinky toe - ironically, he has no pinky toes. From his silver tongue to his almighty strength to his anatomically disproportionate snuggle snake, Zetsu was overall an overpowered beast. Despite this, the godly plantkin practically reveled in the power of no one knowing his true strength. He felt invigorated at how unbelievably underestimated he was when he materialized in a Friday night Akatsuki lovefest. He felt omnipotent over them.
With the exception of the special few, they were all mortal ants in his path. He was their true ruler, and soon they would know his wrath.
"Hey, Zetsu sama-chan." A gruff voice snapped the almighty being from his routine plotting.
"Eh?" Zetsu lazily looked up to his kawaii Akatsuki master. "What is it, my hunky man muffin?"
Tobi's eyes narrowed beneath his smooth, detailed mask. Zetsu wanted to lick that mask. He wanted to lick it so hard.
"You don't seem like yourself, senpai no danna chan sama desu. What's on your noodle, champ?" Tobi asked with his deep, intimidating voice. The things Zetsu would do to that voice.
"Oooooh, just thinking about how people still don't get along with each other because of racism. Like, if you think about it half of me is black and the other half is white - that's a big deal, right? If I were to get pulled over for speeding in Alabama...would I get shot? Would I get paid a couple hundred dollars? What's the deal with that noise, I mean...What a mess. I'm sorta worried."
Tobi listened intently, nodding to affirm his attention to the talking venus flytrap. "Hm, right that's pretty cool hey I'm gonna go talk to Deidara-sensaisamachancantunafishsandwich. Later."
Zetsu watched the tight ass rotate beneath Tobi's cloak as he strode off to harass the blonde babe sucking face with a piece of wood. Some aggravated screams later, Zetsu lost interest and returned to his silent pondering.
A god. They should be worshipping him. But it's best they weren't...No, he had greater plans for these fools. When the next Friday night Akatsuki assfest rolled around, his plans would be in place and all would grow to understand a mere sample of Zetsu's worth. In a week, he would blossom.
It was friday morning, a week had passed and everything was going according to plan. The plantkin morphed in his usual location - the shaded corner between the restrooms and the water cooler. From there he could see the fine honnies waltzing from their ritual bowel releases, and hear the sweet thangs talk about erotic weather while filling their dixie cups with something sexy. His eyes floundered toward his evening prey: Hidan. He would be the first to know the true power of a god. None of this Joshua baloney, but an all powerful tootsie roll that required adoring followers. He needed to have his anus opened to the light of the plant lord.
"Hitler," Zetsu said softly from behind the hunkalicious heathen.
"SHIT FUCK WHAT" Hidan yelped and jumped in his drooping diaper cloak. He hadn't realized Zetsu materialized beneath him...the response gave the plant child a rush. Yes scream, Zetsu thought through a quivering grin. Scream my name, heathen.
"Do you know where we keep the stapler…?"
Hidan shifted uncomfortably before scratching his head. "Gee, I...Hm, where do we keep the fucking stapler? Do we even fucking have a fucking stapler?"
"Maybe you could ask Joshua-"
"Jashin." Hidan corrected, letting the mistake slide because god DAMN that weed was just the cutest thing.
"Maybe you could ask Jonah where the stapler is." Zetsu blinked his one eye, the other golden orb glaring darkly into Hidan's chest. He was counting the chest hairs. He would be ripping those chest hairs out. He wanted to devour those chest hairs.
Hidan's face lit up excitedly, "Wow what a motherfucking good idea!" He turned to the huge ass accountant standing next to him with a hateful presence, he grinned widely. "Hey cock kazoo, move your tight ass up to our sex dungeon and get my motherfucking scythe, would ya?" He paused, soon adding "It should be in that one shitty box labelled CUNT CRUSHER."
"Of course money-I mean, uh...Of course honey." Kakuzu fell on his face and began to roll out of the hall, loose change littering the floor as he went. He was really good with money, that appealed to Zetsu. Zetsu wanted to drop that zombie on a pile of coins Scrooge McDuck style and give him a good Scrooge McFuck.
Moments later, Kakuzu returned with Hidan's Trademarked Weapon™ and set it gingerly at the greaser's feet with his mouth before standing up and returning to counting his money. He really liked money.
"Aw, shit, thanks fuckwad for this fucking favor." Hidan bent over, just enough for Zetsu to see down his cloak. It disgusted Zetsu. It took everything for him to avoid heaving chunks of plant babies all over the coin-stained floor. How dare Hidan wear anything other than the uniform VS Angel panties. "Now I just need some fucking chalk...DAMN, why don't I ever have and MOTHERFUCKING SHIT FUCK CUNT SMASHING PENIS LICKING chalk?" He tapped his chin thoughtfully before turning to Kakuzu.
The accountant paid no attention this time. He had just realized half his pocket change was on the floor. He began to cry strong, silent tears.
"Allow me," a smooth voice rolled into the conversation. Zetsu's eyes drifted up the curvy figure of a bodacious blonde. The goldenrod locks flowing beyond a tightly wound ponytail swirled with every movement the explosively unpredictable sex machine made. "Here," Deidara smiled and extended his hand. The mouth Deidara glued onto his palm began to gag and choke and make the most unflattering noises from the depths of its unknown pits. His whole arm convulsed with the mouth's struggle to cough up whatever was lodged in its assumedly throat - no one was certain what the hell was going on past the teeth of that thing - and at that point, the whole assfest crowd stopped conversing to curiously examine whatever was making the grotesque sounds. For five whole minutes the terrorist organization sat in silence, waiting for the crazy-glued hand appendage to dislodge its trouble. Five god damn minutes of AHAUGHK and KLAUGHCK and HNNNNGLAH.
Zetsu was impressed by the palm's stamina.
Finally, the fucked up jutsu tongue released a thin sliver of pink chalk. "It's colored after Sasori's hair," Deidara winked at the puppet on his arm.
"Oh, Darling Deidara...You know just how to flatter a man. Not to mention how handsome and artistic you are and how only you could ever properly do justice to true art. True art is, after all, and explosion! Your penis is very large." Deidara's shitty ventriloquism flowed out of the hunk of wood's mouth as he used his arm to prop up the 2 foot tall puppet and make its head move to his words.
Zetsu watched the display with intrigue, considering how well Deidara and Sasori's chemistry was. He imagined the connection they would have in the bedroom...He wondered if one more plant would interfere with their fluidity. "It appears we have all the ingredients to find the stapler," the plantkin said calmly while breaking a faint smile.
Hidan had stepped three paces away from the young terrorist beside him, both confused and aroused at the extended display. "Well fuck, yeah let's find this motherfucking stapler!" He pumped his fist into the air, accidentally knocking Kakuzu off his feet and into the coin pile below him. Kakuzu's stifled cries became gross sobbing as he rolled in the memories of finances past.
After a few hours of preparation, Hidan waddled into the circle and took off his pants. Zetsu watched intensely, admiring the thick tanline revealing a hand on his left buttcheek. But the plant was suddenly reminded of the gross display of undergarments that he so despised when he acknowledged the VS Angel knockoffs Hidan was wearing. How dare he.
"JASHIN, HEY MOTHERFUCKER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU AT? MY FUCKING HOMIE PLANT MAN HERE NEEDS THE FUCKING STAPLER, IDK WHY DON'T ASK ME I DIDN'T THINK TO FUCKING AS SO SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND JUST LISTEN: JASHIN, MAN, I FUCKING WANT TO HELP OUT THIS LITTLE FUCKSNOT MOTHERFUCKER. HE'S LIKE A FUCKING DAISY, GET WHAT I'M SAYIN? SO WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING STAPLER YOU MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF RELIGIOUS TRASH, Amen."
Suddenly, a loud ruckus shot through the ceiling. An object falling as though it had just reentered the Earth's atmosphere buried itself inside of Hidan's skull. The impact alone send vibrations throughout his body, shaking loose his buttplug and shattering his toe rings. He tried to pick up the pieces of his skull that had exploded, but he slipped on his own brains and toppled into the sobbing Kakuzu. This made an already sensitive zombie even more upset as he realized they would have to pay for repairs. Kakuzu sobbed, Hidan gargled blood, and the Akatsuki assfest was put on hold once again.
"Zonbi Conbi? More like Zondom Condom, right Itachi? Itachi?" The massive shark furry standing by the jukebox turned to his partner for affirmation. "Itachi?"
A very sad and very stoic and very dark and handsome man who was casually bobbing his head to the beat of Ke$ha's 'Blow' only grunted to silence his companion. This was his jam, Kisame would not ruin his favorite song with his shitty puns.
Kisame turned to look forward once again. Itachi was always doing this to him. Their relationship was in shambles. He shed a single tear.
Zetsu leaned over the pile of gay immortals with a curious gleam in his eye. The commotion had dislodged the attention of Pain and Konan, who were previously entangled with one another's company in a bathroom stall. Pain didn't bother pulling up his pants, so as he waddled out of the restroom with the blue beauty on his arm, all of the Akatsuki could see his itty bitty peen. He was proud of his peen. He was only twelve years old, it was supposed to be tiny. But it was also a resilient peen, and would soon be as big as his arm. They'll see, they'll all see.
But they didn't see, because it was after all a very tiny peen.
"WhAt is the meaning of this hulabaloo?" Pain's voice cracked, "I was balls deep in this bodacious babe and suddenly the house is in shambles! You guys, my mom won't let me invite anyone else over if she finds out you're wrecking the place!" He began to whine. Konan gently pat his head. He still had no pants on.
"Pain-chanwambamthankyoumamsamasenpai" Tobi emerged from the shadows. Sasuke was on a leash behind him, but no one cared. Sasuke wasn't a member of the Akatsuki, he wasn't cool enough, so Tobi resorted to making him a dog. Sasuke made a good dog, except for when he became a sniffling piece of shit who didn't understand a thing about loyalty or kindness or even the basic courtesy of possibly taking someone else's advice and staying true to the path laid out before him. "It's ok," Tobi began to spit sweet nothings at Pain to prevent his half naked temper tantrum.
With the three of them engulfed in diffusing the Pain bomb, Deidara and his puppet fuckbuddy off slurping faces, Kisame and Itachi attending a couple's counseling appointment, and Kakuzu dry heaving sobs into his bloodied pile of coins; no one acknowledged their god reaching into Hidan's demolished skull. No one saw the plant lord tenderly staple his neck beard leaves together, encasing himself in a cocoon of vegetables. No one noticed the minutes of incubation that passed before a sliver of light cracked through the venus flytrap vagina lips. No one would underestimate him any longer.
While he reveled in their ignorance...While he fed on their low expectations...Zetsu was expanding both soul and schlong. He had waited so long to reach this moment - the moment Hidan's death would unlock his true potential. It was in this moment that the OfficeMax staples snapped from their green homes and the cocoon burst open with a blinding light. Every eye in the room turned to embrace the ultimate revelation; the grand finale. Their one true lord and savior who would free them from the shackles of virginity and heteronormativity...They witnessed Zetsu crawl from the ashes of his former self, and emerge in a state far more glorious than any could have expected.
"Zetsu….hime…" Tobi gasped, his mask cracking at the sheer force of his own arousal.
"Zetsu...more like...Betsu didn't see that one coming...right...Itachi?" Kisame's mouth was agape as he let the pun slip from behind his sharp teeth. Itachi got a boner right then and there. Their relationship was saved.
"Sasori no danna...Are you seeing this?" Deidara asked his partner hoarsely. "No, fucknuts, I'm a piece of wood." He said to himself in a high pitched tone.
When the light faded and Zetsu stood before them again, everyone bowed. He had gotten a huge boner and it was like the biggest anyone in the Akatsuki had ever gotten. Way beyond average - like, maybe 9 inches or something. It was a great accomplishment, well done.
Praise Zetsu our lord and savior with a killer erection, amen.