How I Feel About You
AN: I had some midnight inspiration so I wrote this (it's so weird how story ideas only seem to come to me when I'd rather be, or should be, doing something else, like sleeping for instance!). For those who haven't realised, it's slash. If you don't like, don't read. If you do, enjoy! (I hope) The first and last bits are Remus' point of view, talking to Sirius in his head.
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I love you.
That's all I could say in my head, every minute of every hour of every day. Even when I was concentrating on schoolwork or concentrating on the conversation I was participating in, I was concentrating on you, and always in my mind there was this one thought on a continuous loop:
I love you I love you I love you I love you…
And it was in my mind because it was the one thing I wanted most to say, and the one thing I never could, for I feared your rejection, and I knew that however nice you were about it your reply would have been just that.
Rejection would have destroyed me.
I wasn't thick (or so I believed). I knew that there wasn't a chance in hell that someone as downright perfect as you would ever have thought that I was attractive and want to be with me, not when you could have had anyone you wanted, male or female. I'm one of your best friends, but I didn't think I'd be enough for you, or deserve you.
Sometimes I hated that I couldn't keep talking as easily as James, or amuse you like he could. If you weren't entertaining a group of giggling girls you were usually to be found in a corner, whispering with James and planning pranks. That was what you said when I asked afterwards anyway, trying to act nonchalant while I did. Not that you didn't include me, but it was obvious that I wasn't as important to you as James, and as much as I liked him I felt jealous of him. You two played the pranks; I made sure you didn't get caught. I was the cautious one, you were the risk taker.
When I was with you, though, a bit of your recklessness rubbed off on me. I felt like I could do anything, I stopped being shy and withdrawn, I became confident, and even if I couldn't compete with James for frequency of speech, I discovered that I was witty. It was mainly dry wit, sarcasm and irony, as I didn't like to make outright jokes in case no-one laughed, but it made you laugh all the same, and that was the best sound in the world to me. You would turn your head to me as soon as I started speaking and look at me with your beautiful grey eyes as though you were really absorbed in what I was saying, and you had just been waiting for me to talk in the first place. You treated everything I said like it was important, made me feel like I mattered to you.
I loved you for that, you know.
However brave I became in your presence I was still a coward when it came to my feelings for you. I was hopelessly in love with you and couldn't tell you, and every girl or boy I saw you with made me feel like you'd stuck a knife into my heart and twisted it. Even though you would never have intentionally hurt me, you did every day without realising it, simply by being you and by not being with me.
You were the only person who could make me deliriously happy and utterly miserable within the space of a few minutes. Like at the Christmas party, for example, when you came up to me, put your arms around me and said, "I love you Moony" in a slurred voice, then kissed me on the cheek once, considered a moment, then did it again. I told myself that maybe it did mean something, even if you were completely pissed, then two minutes later I saw Marlene McKinnon shove you under the mistletoe and you kiss her on the lips, and I spent the rest of the night telling myself that it didn't mean anything, because you were completely pissed.
About that time, you stopped going out with anyone who would go out with you (which was everyone who was attracted to men, basically). You spent more time hanging out with me, James and Peter- but mostly me, as it turned out. James kept dragging Peter off to the kitchens at odd moments, or to chat to Lily Evans and her best friend Dorcas, who Peter fancied.
I didn't mind at all; it was wonderful to have you all to myself, and we would spend hours curled up in front of the fire in the common room, talking about anything and everything (although the topic of who we each fancied never came up). It was amazing how much I had to say when someone else wasn't dominating the conversation, and it was just us two. We didn't just talk, we conversed; the one who wasn't talking listening intently to the one who was. I told you things I'd never confided in anyone before, about how I was studying so hard so that maybe someone would give me a job despite my lycanthropy, and my fears about Voldemort and the future. In return you told me how your family had treated you, the flying motorbike you planned to buy one day and how you used to go out with so many people because you were searching for The One. I never asked why you stopped.
All this closeness just made me love you more, though, if that was possible. I had been used to hiding how I felt but that was getting harder and harder to do. You were driving me crazy. I kept going off into daydreams where I told you how I felt, or decided words weren't enough, grabbed you and kissed you until my meaning was clear and you were in no doubt as to how much I loved you. Unfortunately, these daydreams happened at most inappropriate times, like at breakfast in the Great Hall, when I would go off into a daze until Peter poked me to ask whether I wanted my bacon or not, as I didn't seem to be eating it.
(POV change- third person)
One evening all of this changed. James and Peter were out wandering again, and it was just Remus and Sirius together in the common room, which was empty, as it was so late. Remus was sitting on the end of the sofa in front of the fire and Sirius was sprawled over the rest of it with his head in Remus's lap. Remus was stroking his dark, silky hair lightly, wishing he could run his fingers through it properly. The conversation turned to girls for the first time since they had started to spend lots of time together alone. Sirius asked the question that they had previously shied away from.
"So, Moony, who d'you fancy then?" He asked offhandedly. "And don't try and say no-one; you've been preoccupied lately and staring into space wistfully instead of doing your homework. I know what that means!"
"Er…" Remus wasn't sure what to say. This was dangerous territory and he didn't want to lose Sirius forever. He had to be careful.
"Come on, you can tell me Rem'" Sirius said cajolingly. "Alice? Heather? Or Emma from Hufflepuff, she's been flirting with you like mad!"
"Really?" Commented Remus in surprise. "I never noticed that."
"Well, you never do notice when someone's been flirting with you, do you? Poor, naïve, delusional Remus. And stop trying to change the subject. Who do you fancy?"
Crap. He figured out my plan. Okay Remus, just be subtle and vague. Don't give him any clues.
"Actually I'm in love. With a boy."
Oh damn damn damn why the bloody hell did I tell him that? So much for being subtle and vague.
"Aha! So there is someone!" Sirius exclaimed triumphantly, sitting up. "Well you've got to tell me, now I know you love him. Got to make sure he's suitable for my little Moony, after all! Is it Matthew in Ravenclaw? I've noticed you talking in the corridor sometimes and you do Ancient Runes homework together."
"I-I can't tell you" stuttered Remus.
"It's not Snivellus, is it?" said Sirius suddenly, sounding suspicious (What alliteration!).
"No!" exclaimed Remus, affronted.
"Why won't you tell me then?"
Sirius pouted. Remus's mind raced. Should he tell him or not? Maybe Sirius might consider going out with Remus if he told him. Or maybe he saw all the conversations, hair-stroking, affection and gazing as just something friends do, and didn't see Remus as anything else. Telling him could be the best thing he'd ever done, or indeed the worst.
Sirius's knee was touching Remus's and he could feel the warmth from Sirius's body, they were sat so close together. Sirius was leaning slightly towards him with one arm draped along the back of the sofa and he was giving Remus a look that gave him butterflies in his stomach. The look he'd been giving him for the past year. Did he know what he was doing to him? Maybe he had no idea how sexy he was. And still all these months later, the words were running through Remus's head:
I love you I love you I love you I love you.
Remus couldn't take it any more. This was the most terrified he had ever been, but he knew it would be far wors for his sanity not to tell Sirius. He had been given a chance to tell the truth and he had to take it. He had to find his courage and show why he was put in Gryffindor in the first place.
Sirius was still looking at Remus expectantly, a lock of hair falling into one of his eyes. Remus licked his lips nervously.
At that moment Sirius looked so utterly sexy that words deserted Remus completely. Instead of trying to talk, he leaned forward and, his heart beating madly, hesitantly pressed his lips to Sirius's and kissed him, trying to pour all his feelings into what he was sure would be the only kiss he would ever have with Sirius.
To his amazement, Sirius began to kiss him back just as fervently, and before he knew it they had their arms around each other and their hands all over each other as though to make sure that the other person was really there. Remus was finally pressed up to Sirius's body and twining his hand through Sirius's hair as they kissed each other with what felt like years of pent-up longing.
Finally they pulled back, gasping, and they sat with their noses touching and lips barely an inch apart, breathing unsteadily. Sirius still had his arms around Remus and Remus never wanted to move from them.
Sirius slowly grinned.
"Well, is it me you love then?"
"Yes of course you prat. Who else would it have been?"
"What a surprise! I'd never have guessed…"
"Oh, shut up" said Remus affectionately. "Do I have to make myself clearer?"
"I think that's a very good idea"
Remus put his hands behind Sirius's neck and pulled Sirius towards him. Just before their lips met again he whispered,
"By the way, I love you too."
This time the kiss was deep and full of meaning and promise. Remus's heart swelled with happiness and love until it felt like it was about to burst from his ribcage, and they shared the most perfect moment, when they both knew that this was the only person they wanted to kiss for the rest of their lives.
I'm looking at you now, six moths later, as we lie in your bed with the hangings closed around us, just you and me in the whole of the world. Your arms are around me protectively and I smile at you and brush a lock of hair from your face tenderly. Your face is right next to mine and and your eyes are closed, the thick black lashes curved onto your cheekbones. You look peaceful and completely content. You are so beautiful and amazing. And you are mine and I am yours.
I can't not kiss you after thinking all that, so I give you a light kiss on the nose. Your eyes flicker open and you smile lazily when you see me.
"Morning. I love you."
"I love you too"
There is no need for any more words. I snuggle into you, breathing you in and burying my face in your neck as you hold me and stroke my back and my hair. You kiss the top of my head before we settle back down to sleep.
This is the happiest I have ever felt, lying next to you. And finally the words in my head don't have to stay there because I say them to you and you say them to me every day.
I love you I love you I love you I love you.
You're all I want and need and dream about.
You're my everything.
And you always will be.
AN: What did you think? Please review, it's the first story I've ever posted so I need all the help, advice and constructive criticism I can get. Your opinions mean a lot to me, so please let me know. I think I could write some more stories, which hopefully could be better than this one, but how's this for a first try? If you would like an answer please leave your email address, as this is a one-shot so I can't reply here.