AN; After watching pretty little liars this week, the moments with Alison and Emily really got to me. I thought of myself with a friend I once had; who was somewhat similar to Alison. I wrote the beginning of this about myself and added more to do with the characters now. I hope you love it, I want to continue it too. But in order for me to do that, you need to review!
It's hot, but I'm freezing. There's no breeze, but I feel like I'm about to be swept off my feet. Up, up, and away. I collapse to the ground, a puddle of sadness. I cover my face with my hands, letting my finger tips brush the droplets of water off of my eyelashes.
You have left me here to bleed silently… again. You don't know this, you don't realize this, you don't see me how I see you. I see love exploding in front of me when you walk in the room, all you see is you're 'best friend'. The one you talk to about your boyfriends, the one you shop for makeup with, the one you cry with when you have another letdown.
I'm only a prop in your one woman show, waiting to be used over and over again.
I close my eyes. I open them. Your face never leaves my thoughts; it's just hovering there, letting me know that it won't disappear. As I realize the truth about us, my heart is shattering. I always thought we had something, whether love or just lust. It was... something. I really enjoyed that something. But when I really thought, when I let my mind wander into oblivion…I came across an idea. The idea was that I made us up. That I never really experienced the love from you that I thought I did.
That idea, the thought, it turned out to be a truth.
All we ever would have would be a moment. A moment where we sat side by side, shelves around us closing us in. There was no claustrophobia, just a kiss: a short, painful kiss. Then eyes; eyes that were ice blue and made every boy's lower lip quiver, those eyes were looking into my muddy brown ones. The hint of passion glimmered in them, or so I thought at the time, and then you took my hand and squeezed it. I thought about you for nights after. How perfect, sweet, and free you were. And how bad you made me want you.
I began to keep my distance. I watched from a far, thinking about the kiss. The thoughts I would have were erotic on many levels – and I was very lost inside of them. It hurt to not understand myself, but what hurt more was the fact you ignored my existence.
One night, after you denying we ever had anything, I sat on my welcoming bed alone. A single razor blade sat in the palm of my tan hands, and I turned it over slowly. I let the razor touch the skin of my forearm, pushing on the edges of it, smiling at the warm crimson forming a drop that rolled down the length of my arm almost like raindrops on the back windows of a car – the children wondering which drop will when the race. I laid my head back on the pillow nearest to me, and held the razor in its same spot. Relaxation kicked in and I wondered if this was the high that heroin addicts received as they shot up. Oh, Alison , look at what you have done.
When morning came I awoke to the sound of pebbles hitting a window, rubbing my tired eyes I got up and faced the window. It was Ali, her blonde hair tied up carelessly, still in a tank top and pajama pants. I opened my window and shot her a look, watching as she climbed up to my balcony. I stepped away and grabbed a sweatshirt to throw over my head, there was no reason to let her see what she had done to me. Alison glanced at me awkwardly, looking at the boyshorts I had fallen asleep in. I watched as she bit her lip then sat on my bed. "What brings you here so early?" I questioned her carefully, seeing her eyes looking red and puffy.
"I just, I felt…shitty. About what happened."
I arched my brow, inhaling very deep and loudly. "I don't know what you are talking about."
"Are you gay or something? Did I piss you off with my friends only approach? Do I seem like a lesbo or something?" Her words were harsh and cut me apart more than I did to myself last night.
"No, no, and no." I lied obviously, stepping further away from her.
"Ugh, fuck. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come across so bitchy. I don't mind if you are a lesbian, Em."
I shook my head for no reason at all, feeling slightly uncomfortable talking to her in this way. I wasn't going to tell her anything if she wasn't anything like I thought she was.
Alison didn't love me, I loved her. It was meant to be that way.