Note: Okay, so this is my first fanfic in chapters. I think there will be around 6 chapters to this fic, and I'll probably upload a new chapter each week or something like that.

Mello

A thick overlay of silence suffocated the rising flames of emotions that coursed through me. I stood, aghast, mouth and eyes wide open, ears tingling at the receiving of the words Roger just spoke. The fiery disbelief of my conscious mind battled with the frozen knowledge of the truth about L. Yet I could not let my mind turn. Usually things came naturally to me, but not now. Not when Roger was at Watari's place behind the solid heavy desk, pair of old hands clasped together in a tight clench, his wrinkled face pushed in a grave frown as he rested his head, and Near, quiet and small, efficiently piecing the jigsaw puzzle with the same blank expression he was always capable to obtain.

"Roger, say it again…" I murmured shakily, stoned as I was in the place I was standing.

"L is dead."

I had heard the same words just a few seconds ago. Now when I heard it again, a different sort of feeling came to me. It wasn't just fear and shock, or of disbelief, but that this meant that my life would change. And so would Near's.

"If you cannot win the game, if you cannot solve the puzzles, you are just a loser."

I spun around at Near. His calm tone and the usual soft way he spoke proved that he hadn't faltered. It always amazed me how he could be so stable in the mind. I admired him for that.

"So, between Near and I, L…" I realised what this death meant.

"Neither," replied Roger, his voice full of mourning, "since he died, he cannot pick anymore."

That was it. Nothing more. So all that we worked for had come to zero.

But roger was not quite finished, "Mello, Near, how about it, the two of you combining your abilities…"

"Yeah," Near agreed casually, "That's a good idea."

I could hear no more of it. True, I wanted to work with Near. I had always wanted him to acknowledge me and not to look down at me. But I knew that as I was, I would only drag him down. I would never want to draw him down.

"That's impossible, Roger," I forced that through clenched teeth, "you know that Near and I don't get along well together, you're always calling us out."

Always.

I'm always second, no matter how much I work, no matter how much I struggle…

"It's okay, Roger…" I continued, "The one who will succeed L is Near. Unlike me, Near is cool and acts objectively, like he is solving a puzzle."

And the Kira case is a puzzle. That's why Near is the best person to solve it. Unlike me, I'm not fit for it. I was never fit for anything that Near could do. Near was always better than me.

It had always been my goal to surpass him. To be better than him. To have him look at me as an equal, or maybe even look up to me. I don't want t be worse, I want to be better. Far better, so much better. Than what I really am.

"I'll leave … from this institution as well," I decided. If I stayed I would only be reminded so often, and forever, about my incompetence and how Near is always better than me. I would see Near, so high above me in intelligence, and he would see me, and look down, at the one so incapable and useless.

"Mello!" Roger was astounded. Poor old man. Watari and L had both died, and now I was leaving too. I couldn't help it, though. I had always bee none to act on impulse. Maybe later I would regret leaving.

No, I wouldn't. I mustn't.

I compelled myself toward the door, "In any case, Roger, I'll be 15 soon."

Near didn't move from where he sat, part squatting, part kneeling, with his completed puzzle. He did not turn to look at me. Nor did he say anything. So much like the Near I knew.

But I wanted him to react in some way. Because I would be missing him. Missing his bored glances at me whenever I walk pass him. Missing his light but precise touch as he piece together the puzzles on the floor. Missing his voice, soft but definite, every word worth its value.

I wanted him to miss me when I went –

"I'll live my own way."

- but I knew, for sure, that he wouldn't be.

Near

I knew it would be about L. The Kira case was at its peak and had been the main topic of discussion for anyone that talked at Wammy's House. When Roger called for me and Mello, I knew would have something to with it, for even since the conversation over the webcam, the two of us were called out for something to with L.

"He said that he would make Kira face the death penalty but he was killed instead, it that what you are saying?" Mello exclaimed.

However, I didn't expect L would be dead. L was our god at the institute. Everyone worshipped him, looked up to him, aimed for him, just I and Mello were. His death meant a dramatic change in our lives as well as our destinies.

Mello reacted explosively at that. He was a boy of impulse, acting as his intuition instructs, and never trying to hide what he thinks. Mello was always straightforward and clear. Just the opposite of me. Just what I cannot be.

We were always rivals, always competing, him always working to beat me and me winning by just a little each time. I had to keep being the best. Being so was the only way for him to take notice of someone. Then he would want to surpass that person, hate that person, and challenge that person. So if I wasn't the best Mello wouldn't be interested in me, like I want him to.

I've always liked Mello, for some reason. That's one part of me that I cannot contain, unlike my other feelings and emotions. I knew that he would never like me back, and he wouldn't even look at me properly, unless I caught his attention in the only possible.

And that was to be better than him. That way he would notice me, look at me, I would be part of his world.

"The two of you combining your abilities…" Roger was saying.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," I volunteered. I kept my voice calm, not eager as I was. I didn't want Mello to know that I wanted to work with him. He would look down on me, because I wasn't as controlled as I pretended to be.

I kept my head down and continued with the puzzle in my hands, but I knew, for certain, that Mello was glaring down at me.

"That's impossible, Roger." He turned me down so easily. Mello has so much power, always so decisive, and strong.

"You know that near and I don't get along well together, you're always calling us out." That was true. Mello hated me. I was never good enough for him, anyway. How foolish of me to raise my hopes. Mello was always unpredictable, one thing that made him so admirable.

"It's okay, Roger. The one who will succeed L is Near." No, don't say that. What of you, Mello? "Unlike me, Near is cool and acts objectively, like he's solving a puzzle." I only pretend to be. Because I'm afraid, afraid and scared of you rejecting me, too shy to tell you what I feel about you, you and all that you represent, the ultimate puzzle that I cannot solve.

But I did not move. There was no way of telling him that. No way of confessing, I could not find the right words, nor could I master the courage I needed.

Mello continued, "I'll leave, from this institution as well."

I froze, puzzle piece between two fingers, a rush of cold flooding through my veins. Mello meant that he was leaving, he was actually leaving.

"Mello," Roger began, but never finished.

"In any case, Roger, I'll be fifteen soon," Mello cut him off and did a swift about turn to the door.

I wanted to stop him, to grab his arm and beg him. To turn around from the assembled white pieces and call out to him, call out his name, call what I really feel, to tell him everything.

But the words did not come. Neither did I move an inch. I just kneeled there, on the floor, my face a frozen mask.

I listened to his footsteps softly padding away.

"I'll live my own way." The door smashed into its frame and soundwaves reverberated off the walls.

Roger breathed an exhausted sigh and closed his eyes. At that instant, I looked over my shoulder and stared at the blank shut door.