Title: When he lets everything out
Author: Loz
E-Mail: loz06(at)yahoo(dot)com
Rating: K+
Category: Neil.Andrea...Who else? Oh and the supporting cast, can't forget them.
Series: Story number twenty seven. What follows are titles and story ID numbers:
(1) After he's at her door – 2486705 (11) When they're back together – 2619492
(2) When the mighty fall – 2506192 (12) Life almost in balance – 2630121
(3) While his wife's away – 2525486(13) Life under pressure – 2666280
(4) While they're away – 2543010 (14) Trying to have a life together – 2699235
(5) When love's not working – 2543013 (15) Outside influences on their lives – 2704730
(6) Boundaries when broken up – 2562611 (16) When things start falling apart – 2727112
(7) What happens on the train – 2579012 (17) When they're approaching the end again - 2750079
(8) When they work together – 2595808 (18) Trying not to drift apart – 2891564
(9) When she wants him back – 2598312 (19) When the truth comes out - 2912317
(10) When they're stuck together – 2611364 (20) How things are going to be – 2954769
(21) When they work together…again – 2959211 (22) When Andrea moves on – 3181250
(23) Heart decided – 3188794 (24) When work takes over – 3198959
(25) When the truth is told – 3199261 (26) When she works out what he needs –
(27) When he lets everything out -
Spoilers: So minor it shouldn't ruffle any feathers.
Archive (if applicable): www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net(slash)loz06
Feedback: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.
Summary: Neil lets out everything that's been worrying him about his divorce, son and what he says about Andrea gives her hope for their future.
Disclaimers: O.k. I confess I don't own The Bill.
When Andrea silences the alarm the next morning she looks oddly at the clock and tries to work it out, it takes a few minutes for her to realise someone hasn't adjusted her clock, she's twice depressed the snooze button and now she's lost almost fifteen minutes. Strangely she doesn't remember silencing the alarm before once, let alone twice and as she gets up her head swims just a little.
She knows she should never have stayed up so late last night in preparation for Neil's visit.
She has to be out of here before he arrives, at this point that's more important than being on time for anything urgent at work.
After sort of hurrying through her shower and dressing Andrea prepares Cally complimenting her on her new look.
Andrea's eating her toast over the sink when the knock comes on the door, she almost chokes on her breakfast as she looks to her watch to see it's gone nine. Neil's here and she should be and needs to be gone.
Cally as predicted runs to the door barking, soon to be jumping all over Neil. Andrea panics slightly unsure of what to do now. She wasn't planning to be here, she hasn't prepared anything to say, it's better he doesn't talk to her anyway...she can't hear what he has to say.
Andrea quickly tidies up in a fashion, in the hopes her kitchen look like she's been and gone. Neil has a key, he can let himself in and he does as she thought he would.
She stands in the far corner of the kitchen, coffee in hand, listening. Cally stops barking, the identification tags on her collar jingling as she jumps up on Neil.
"Hello," Neil says enthusiastically, the front door closing behind him. "Where's Andrea hey?"
Andrea holds her breath as she hears Neil's footsteps approach.
"What's this hey?" Neil asks rhetorically, having found the note addressed to him, attached around Cally's neck by Andrea.
Andrea relaxes a little as the footsteps pass the kitchen and head into the living room.
"Maybe this is where Andrea is," Neil's voice reaches her as he sits into the sofa.
In the silence that fills the flat Andrea recites the note she wrote for Neil in her head.
Pets are great therapy. They listen to your every word, hang off it,
they don't judge or talk back. They have no baggage or bias. They
love unconditionally no matter how bad you think you've been or
what you've done. They love being hugged and having affection
showered on them. Cally is yours too. I know Colin's away and
you can't talk to me, so talk to her.
There's hope to hang on to that Neil will decide to take Cally to the park and she can sneak to her car parked around the back. Andrea doesn't think she wants to or should hear what Neil has to say.
The silence is lengthening and a part of Andrea is desperate to know what's going on.
"Are you a good guard dog?" Neil asks jovially and Andrea becomes disheartened thinking Neil has decided not to take the advice offered to him. "Do you look after Andrea; keep her safe from bad people?"
"Do you snuggle up to her, walk alongside her, give her lots of licks," Andrea nods to herself; Cally hasn't left her side in the past months, even crying when Andrea leaves.
"You're not putting on weight are you?" Neil laughs, Andrea smile wryly, Cally has always enjoyed her treats.
"You know what's great about Andrea?" Neil asks and the smile drains from Andrea's face with his serious tone. She puts her mug quietly on the counter knowing she should leave but there's no way she'd go unnoticed. "Of course you do, you're here everyday with her, and you see how kind, generous and affectionate she is. You see how intelligent, bright and happy she is. She does everything with a passion and enjoys it no matter what."
There's a pause and Andrea wonders what will come next and whether she's going to start feeling uncomfortable, "Of course you do...you're where I want to be."
The information pricks an emotion in Andrea, she has to stop herself from gasping at the information she's longed to hear but was not meant to.
"You're living here with her everyday; you're sleeping next to her, waking up with her, protecting her, looking after her, loving her," Neil trails off, "I wish I were you."
Andrea puts her hand over her mouth as her heart does a happy flutter, she feels exactly the same way, she's just been waiting for Neil to say it. It isn't lost on her that he's probably not ready to admit any of this to her yet, there'll be no surprise appearances by her, no emotional scenes.
"But you see I'm more complex." Neil pauses; Andrea knows it's true, she knows all the things that are holding him back. "I have a wife and I'm getting divorced and Andrea doesn't deserve to go through that. She shouldn't have to help me through what I'm going through, the emotions are dark, she shouldn't have to see the fights and the snipping, the uncertainty... and mines an amicable divorce. I should never have had an affair with Andrea."
There's a pause and a small part of Andrea panics. "I should have been divorced first so she didn't have to get involved in all my mess. Then again if I didn't have an affair with her I would never have grown to love her and realise she's the one I want to be with, I might still be married."
Tears are threatening, happy ones but they're chased away as Andrea quickly composes herself.
"I regret so much about the affair, what I've put Andrea through. There were times during the affair when I was pretty rotten to her. I hardly ever took her on a proper date; I'd call and cancel at the last minute then make it up to her in some pathetic way, if at all. I'd leave in the middle of the night, I didn't call. I expected her to just be happy with me part time when I wanted her full time. I ended things once and then wanted...actually expected her back, I was the luckiest man in the world because she should have said no but she didn't. I never once said thanks or sorry. And sure she's complained about my situation in the past but she has every right and she hasn't complained as much as she could have should have. She's been patient and understanding, more than most would, through my uncertainty and stalling, even when she broke it off because she wanted more she was nice about it and it was done for us not just her, she knew I needed a kick along, that I wanted more as well. She deserves better than all that, and when I tell her I want her back, when I want to resume our relationship, start building a life together I want to be divorced from Philippa, free to be with Andrea totally. I hope she wants the same." Andrea nods her affirmative answer.
"I can't blame her for not wanting to get back with me right now, all our other issues aside. My life is ten times of a mess, why would she voluntarily put herself in this situation. Besides wanting to support me, what about the stress and emotion on her. It would ruin us. I don't want that. I don't think Andrea does either. It's not like she doesn't want to help me, she still cares and she leaves me little encouraging notes attached to you. She listens to me and tries to give me advice though she's still biased and it must be so difficult. She calls, she senses how I am, as I can her, we know each other that well. We won't still be having an affair and things can be right and done properly like she deserves. I can't believe this wonderful woman wants to be with me Cally, I'll always be in awe of that, I'll always be grateful and never become complacent about it, never take it for granted."
In the silence in the kitchen Andrea vows to do the same. A squeaky toy sound followed the by patter of four feet picking it up comes as Andrea puts her coffee to her lips, it's gone lukewarm.
"You know you'll never have a chance to have children...we took care of that and I'm sorry about that," Andrea smiles to herself, Neil has always thought Cally deserved to have one litter. Kind of like she suspects Neil would never deny her the chance to be a mother even if he didn't want any more children.
"I have one child, a son, you haven't met me, Colin, I guess you might meet him one day. I'm so proud of him, proud of the person he is and has becomes and he's done it all on his own. I certainly had little to do with it and I regret it. I mean outwardly I did all the stuff fathers aren't meant to do, football matches, taking him places and making sure he was doing alright at school but I never gave him any guidance or advice, I never took the time to try and learn who he is, to get to know him, I never tried to find out who his friends were or what his life was, how he felt about things. I was always too busy chasing my career."
Andrea looks to the window knowing this will be an ongoing thing with Neil for the rest of his life, he will always carry regrets no matter how Colin turns out and he'll have to learn to live with them, with her support.
Andrea knows Neil is too hard on himself when it comes to his son.
"Cally he's acting strange at the moment, I've noticed, his girlfriend's noticed. He's quiet and withdrawn, he didn't want to go and visit his mother, he's dropping in hints like Philippa has her own life which I don't...well I'm sure it means more than just the obvious. He won't tell me of course but I get the feelings it's something he knows but he doesn't want to tell me for some reason."
Andrea shifts away from the counters edge that was digging into her back.
"I'm worried the divorce is going to be like putting a bomb under him, his whole life will be flung into a million pieces and places. Sure he's a teenager but that doesn't mean he'll cope with this any better than if he were younger. There's still Philippa and I, thousands of kilometres from one another, limited communication and Colin has to chose who he wants to live with. He's a teenager, he's not going to think the divorce was his fault but he's going to take it out for a spin and see what he can get away with and out of it. I don't blame him, there's no other upside, maybe New York, but then he's always keen to come back so who knows. Then what, he's done so well so far on his own, this will be just one last thing from me to totally screw him up."
Andrea shakes her head wishing there were some way to tell Neil that Colin will be fine, he's not to blame. It's better he be divorced than living with Philippa unhappily.
"Colin is a sensible kid but I've got to wonder if this divorce will send him off the rails, there's sex, drugs and alcohol and much more out there. He wants to travel and I'm worried about that, will he use the as a reason to stay away from Philippa and I. How will he support himself, he doesn't want to go to university but I worry for his future, when he gets back, will my marriage break down push him to those?"
'You're too hard on yourself Neil,' Andrea mouths. A sole tear has escaped past the wall of strength she has put up.
"Will he have successful relationships, get married or will he never quite be able to make it work, be able to show someone affection because of the example I've been with him and Philippa. Children of broken homes are more likely to get divorced themselves and...Well I suppose things have been smooth with Julia so far, she's lovely and I suppose he has her in spite of me but I don't know for sure. I'm a terrible relationship model and when he finds out about Andrea it's only going to be worse."
'Or he could actively work on his relationships to be a success, just like he doesn't want to live life like you' Andrea wants to tell him. The one thing Cally can't do is offer the better alternative for Neil.
"He used to word betrayal Cally, to Julia, he's going to have to know about Andrea it's going to break him up inside, destroy him that I was unfaithful to Philippa, his mother. He'll hate me, may never speak to me again and I couldn't blame him. What I've done is inexcusable; no son should ever have to know about something like that. He's a teenager, he should still be idealistic, I deserve whatever horrible reaction I get from him, whatever punishment he wants to inflict on me. I'm just forming a bond with him now, it's too late though, and I should have made the effort when he was a kid, now when he knows the truth that will all be gone."
The tears that roll down Andrea's cheeks increase; she almost can't stand hearing Neil talk about himself this way. She's forgotten about leaving, the time and possibly being late for work.
"Betrayal, the words on every ones lips," Neil says in a strange tone. "I betrayed Philippa and Colin, Andrea betrayed me," There's a pause and Andrea looks to the ceiling feeling guilty and sick to the pit of her stomach all over again. "I should never have reacted the way I did that night she told me about her job at the Daily News. I told her it was over, I sent her from the flat."
More tears fall from Andrea as she remembers the night.
"I drove her into the arms of Smithy, I made it clear there was no hope for us, if I hadn't reacted the way I did I may have seen in myself the probability I could forgive her," Andrea chokes on a quiet sob worrying she'll be heard.
"I was emotional and I reacted that way. I felt gutted, angry and most of all like a fool. I questioned if she ever loved me, if she was just using me, of course deep down I knew the answer was always no and still is," In the kitchen Andrea cries more silent tears, nodding to herself that his words are true. "No one's that good at acting that she could pretend her way through all the moments we've shared, the looks on her face were genuine."
Andrea sobs again, relieved Neil knows and has realised the things he does about her. She never did lose him entirely she realises with relief, she hasn't lost him, her damage wasn't terminal.
"I should have heard her out, I should have been more understanding after all I've done some horrible things to her. I'm trying Cal; I'm trying to understand why she did it. I guess I can, a job she loves and she doesn't want to give up, me of all people can understand that and then she didn't know how, there was no smooth way, and no way she couldn't have hurt me. If we'd met at another time..."
Andrea shakes her head; she'd never change anything about them, good or bad. She has no problem with the way in which he reacted, she understands and accepts, she would have reacted the way he did as well.
"I'm trying to forgive her and I'm getting there. There's nothing more that I want than to love her again and to be with her again. I'm getting there Cal. I'm not interested in anyone else; I know that, all of it is just going to take time though. I just hope she can wait too, that she'll be there wanting me back when everything's right again."
Through tear blurred eyes Andrea answers his hope with a nod of her head.
"I don't know what I'd do if she said she didn't want me back, she's my life, my best friend who I trust, who I can talk to and rely on, I've just got to look at all the conversations I've had with her about Colin. She might have betrayed me but I've been just as bad to her, just in smaller and more frequent parts."
There's a pause and Andrea creeps three steps across the kitchen and wipes her tear stained face on the dish cloth that hangs off the oven door handle.
"I love her Cal, I do, more than anyone else I've ever been with. I never felt this way about Philippa. My love for her is matched only by my love for Colin. I just wish I could sort out and get past everything I need to about Andrea and our relationship, faster than I am."
There's nothing Andrea can do to hold back her tears this time, they flow steadily down her face, and she's no longer inaudible.
"I love her Cal, I love her and being apart is the worst type of hurt," In the silence that proceeds Neil's admission Cally picks up on the sound of Andrea's tears and comes to investigate, in vein Andrea tries to turn her around and send her back out of the kitchen before Neil follows her. Cally jumps up on Andrea as if to tell her that Neil's here and should go and see him, having forgotten Andrea's been here all along.
"No go back to the sofa," Andrea whispers, gently pushing Cally down off her but it's no use. Between Cally's determination and Andrea's inability to stop crying she can do little to send Cally back and maintain her presence as a secret.
When Andrea hears Neil coming to investigate where Cally has gotten to, she doesn't panic or look for a place to hide that doesn't exist. All she can do is cry, unhappily for all of the terrible things she's done to Neil, for the relief he's forgiving her and happily for all the things he's said about the way he feels about her.
She'd spent so many hours of so many weeks thinking and worrying about the things that have been cleared up in just a few minutes.
Pushing their pet down once more she's surprised when Cally doesn't immediately jump back up on her again, usually standing on her hind legs and scratching the leg of Andrea's pants to get her to do what she wants.
"Go on back to the sofa," But never having been terribly obedient, Cally ignores the instructions, staring towards the kitchen doorway, waiting for Neil.
When Andrea looks up he's standing there, she brushes the tears from her eyes, reading his look that frightens her. His expression is fixed and hard and she's not able to discount the possibility he's angry with her, as though he suspects she set out purposely to be in here listening in secret and tricked him into saying all the things he has. The flood of words from Andrea come in the hope he'll change and say something to give her an indication of what he feels, anything is better than his rigid stare.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't meant to be here but then I slept in and you came and I was going to leave so I didn't hear what you were going to say but," As she throws out the apology and excuse he strides back towards her, almost as if there were a magic word he was waiting for her to utter and she just did, his look remains the same keeping Andrea's apprehension up. "Then you'd hear me leave and...," She stops again when he's two steps away from her because his face changes. She can see it now; he was remaining intense to hold back emotion, emotion she can now see creeping onto his face.
In front of her she sees his face fall from being strong into an absolute shattering emotion, taking the rest of his body with it. She knows with one look he's not angry about her presence, in fact he's been crying already and he starts again, as if seeing her being there and knowing she heard him was what he needed to help him open up completely and release what he's been bottling up inside.
One step away he opens his arms for her, throwing them around her as Andrea does the same. Neil clings to her, holding her as though he thought he may never have had the opportunity again, for reasons more than just 'they were split up'.
Over her shoulder he cries openly, body hiccupping against Andrea's with his tears.
His fingers dig into her back, his arms into her sides with the strength of his hold but there are worse things in life Andrea knows, much worse.
Andrea cries with him as they cling to one another and break down in each others arms, letting out everything they've been holding inside – about life, family, work and each other, everything they've been mulling and worrying over.
Neither care nor keep a track of how long they hold one another for, when the flow of their tears starts to slow up Neil buries his face in the side of her neck, as does Andrea in his.
With a few final tears he presses his lips gently against her neck breathing in the scent he's missed waking up with and pulls gradually apart from her. He rests their foreheads lightly against one another, looking down as if embarrassed to be in such a state.
After a moment Neil looks up to Andrea, her face gently being held in his hands. "I meant it, every word."
She smiles and nods, fresh tears escape expressing just how much his confirmation means to her although she was never in doubt about the honesty of his words.
"Thank you for getting me here," Neil says, exposing certain vulnerability in him, it's hard for him to admit he needed help.
"I know..." Andrea starts but feels tears pressing to come out again, she takes a few seconds to compose herself, "I know you needed to talk." Neil doesn't have to ask how she knew; he knows she knows him so well she would have simply seen it.
"You're much too hard on yourself Neil, you're an excellent father, Colin has your values, your level headedness and your maturity. You might think you haven't been there for him but he's learnt from you just be watching you be the wonderful person that you are. And yes he has decided to reject some of the things about your life; you have to expect that, it's his life, his decisions, his choices to make. Arguably he hasn't rejected the best things about his parent's lives."
"I..." Neil cuts in.
"Listen," Andrea implores taking his hands from her face and squeezing them tightly in hers. "From everything you've told me Colin is sensible and mature and you've got to stop beating yourself up about your divorce and if it's going to affect him. Your son is going to go out and experience the world like so many kids his age do and he's only going to grow and be enriched by it. Of course he's going to try some of life's temptations along the way, they're going to be there his whole life, and they're in your life, what do you think I was and you succumbed to me," Andrea pauses. "Look how great that turned out for us both," She adds ironically, Neil shakes his head and smiles disagreeing.
"He's not going to fall down some terrible pit because of them; he doesn't sound like he has that personality. Just because you've failed in your marriage it sounds to me like he's only going to be more determined to do exactly what you haven't that means success in relationships, this Julia, she's no fluke or mirage, she can't make them work all on her own. You know that don't you. You've met her."
Neil smiles.
"She's ideal daughter in law material," Andrea offers and Neil laughs. "The girl you can introduce to mum and dad."
"Like you," Neil says and it takes Andrea a moment to recover.
"Neil you'd be doing him no favours staying unhappily with Philippa, which would send an even worse message about what he should expect from a relationship. He's almost an adult, he knows it has nothing to do with him, he has friends with divorced parents, he should be able to understand why both you and Philippa have made this decision and respect it and you both for making the hard choice, you didn't make it on a whim, you considered, you hesitated, you didn't sign without a lot of heartache, life's too short and that doesn't mean you love him any less, doesn't mean you regret having him, you respect him both enough to tell him and be amicable in the process."
"I was only going to say before I agree," Neil says softly and Andrea wonders if she should mention herself in the context of Neil's son.
"You know the fact that you care and worry about him makes you a good dad right? How many parents do we see, week in, week out who've given in, who don't care anymore, who's child is in a gang and on drugs because of that. Colin knows he will always have you and Philippa to catch him if he falls, always be there for him like a good parent is and he's grateful for that. With that security and love he wants to spread his wings and go travelling, do something his heart desires. Your divorce will not be the end of the child you know and love, no matter how many frightening scenarios you play through your mind, who knows where your relationship with him will go from here. Life gets harder and he'll need your advice about money, work, and travel...life really," Andrea pauses. "And the wonderful mystery that is women."
Neil lets out a light hearted 'humph' from the back of his throat at the comment.
"I still don't know why Colin is the way he is now," Neil sighs.
"Give it time, you know, to adjust. Colin probably hadn't worked out how to act around you both yet with this new situation. He's older now too, more independent with a girlfriend who he'd rather spend more time with than his mum, I know you've felt that from him about yourself. That's normal. He probably doesn't think you want to hear about his time with Philippa and what she's doing because you're divorcing, so he holds things back, it might feel strange or wrong to him, he's probably exactly the same with Philippa. He has a new life to establish in the US, hopefully he'll make some friends but it will be hard because he's not there for long. He needs to know from you what is o.k. to do and say. He'll settle down in time, it'll be an adjustment for the three of you."
"You always know what to say, what I need to hear, what's right..." Neil trails off, steeped in emotion.
"Oh Neil," Andrea sighs almost sadly, she tangles her fingers, free having dropped his hands, through the hair on the nape of his neck. "You can see it; you know all this is true yourself, sometimes you just..." Andrea takes a moment to choose her words.
"Need to be told?" Neil finishes.
"Reminded," Andrea corrects, taking a light grip to the back of his neck as if to reinforce her message. "You can sink so low Neil, in the garden of your flat, Christmas Eve last year. You always sell yourself short, underestimate yourself and you shouldn't," For a second Louise's words pop into her mind about Neil in uniform, outwardly confident, insecure on the inside like the rest of the probationers. Different time, different rank, different issues but he's still the same.
"You're so easy to talk to, I've never had that and sometimes I forget I do," The admission doesn't surprise Andrea in the least.
"That's how it should be Neil, it's how it is. That's one of our strengths, we can and do talk to one another and it's not a chore. Do you remember early on you asked me if I wanted to talk, you wanted me to, you told me I could tell you anything, you told me you liked it as much as everything else, so do I. You know now how much that helped me when we did talk, it's helped you too."
Neil nods and Andrea's a little surprised to see new tears, she'd underestimated the stress he had placed on himself with everything in his life.
"That you can be here and feel comfortable and secure enough to utterly break down in tears in front of me..."
"You're my best friend I think Andrea and I haven't been able to say that about anyone in a long time. Above everyone else I can talk to you and..." Andrea knows absolutely what he would usually say, what he wants to say but he can't because it's not true right now.
"You can't trust me Neil, I know that, I know you want to say it and you want it to be true but I hurt you, I'm not deserving of it." She finishes speaking normally. She'd accepted it would be like this a long time ago.
"I want to, I know you'd never repeat what I said to anyone and you'll always support me but..." Andrea's look says it's o.k. to feel the way he does.
"You've always treated me well Neil," She admits though from the look on his face he doesn't believe it's true. "I understand why you did the things you did, your cancelling dates, your leaving in the middle of the night, your caution, your hesitation and all the while you were still with Philippa and I think you expected me to protest and to try and makes changes to tell you it was over until you could give me what you wanted because you wanted what I wanted too. You just need a reason to go for them, something to force you into the decision, to end your hesitation and I provided that."
Neil can only manage a nod.
"I know it was hard for you in limbo, making a decision between family and me. I've said in the past where does what Neil wants come into this but of course you're not as selfish as I am, you considered everyone in your decision.. To leave what you had built on for years, something familiar and safe, no matter how bad it was, for something new and unknown, to make such a life change. I understand that Colin had to come first in this move to the USA. I was angry at the time at the prospect of another fight, hurt by the probability of having to fight for you again or losing you altogether, I know different now. I don't pretend to know the instinct you have to protect Colin but I know that it's in you, it's what makes you a good parent and it's why you hesitated when I said I'd go to the USA with you."
"How can you be..?" Neil asks the fragmented question; clearly he's amazed Andrea has been able to come to the place she's at with respect to the past.
"I've had a lot of time to think about how my actions have affected you," Andrea says openly.
"As mine have had on you and I have," Neil equals.
"You have to know in yourself Neil, anything that came from my telling you about my job at the Daily News was my doing, not yours. I was a fool to hurt you again...by turning to someone else. It was irrelevant that you shut the door on us as a result of the way you reacted. I still hung onto a glimmer of hope for us, yet I did what I did and I knew what I was doing for all than about five minutes in which I deluded myself and it was tacky of me to chose someone in the same place you worked to take comfort and support from. I knew I shouldn't have been doing it; I pushed you with my reactions and words. I used him, I felt the whole time I was betraying you, I was a mess. Your reaction was perfectly understandable and if nothing else too polite and nice."
Neil shakes his head disagreeing; a hand rests against her cheek. "I won't let you take responsibility for this one, Smithy was my doing. I pushed you with my reactions and words…that I do know for certain. I don't hold anything against you for Smithy there's nothing to forgive. I've had moments where I was angry about it, at you and him, when I've taken out that anger, not anymore...I was to blame."
"In part."
"More than that and you know it. No matter what was done by either of us, it should never have been seen to end that way, it was emotionally irrational. I didn't even listen to your reasons or details. We had too many good times to not finish things civilly and adultly, to try and salvage a friendship."
"I think if you never wanted to see or speak to me again and that was it, which would be getting off easily," Andrea looks away, her eyes glazed over with tears, she makes herself look back at Neil.
"You should have turned me in," Her voice is hoarse.
"I couldn't," Neil almost whispers, a lone tear running down his cheek, with each of his words they fall faster and in greater number. "I tried to, I wanted to turn you in but I couldn't. I wasn't physically capable, the thought of what would happen to you made me feel sick and that it would be because of me. I wanted to hate you forever and punish you for what you did to me but I wasn't capable...I couldn't."
Andrea pulls Neil into her, taking him a little by surprise, his tears collecting on her shoulder. "Thank you," She breathes, resting her chin on his shoulder, hands smoothing the crinkles in the back of his shirt.
"Thank you," She repeats breathily. She could tell him for the rest of his life and it wouldn't be enough.
On the counter next to the kitchen opening Andrea's phone starts to vibrate, silent of any tone. Neil goes to pull away but she's become partial to the feeling that comes from holding him, the problems and issues melting away, the stress exiting her frame, all the things they discovered when first together rushing back.
"Just leave it," Andrea requests though Neil takes no notice, gently and slowly releasing himself. Andrea studies him with concern, she doesn't even cast a sideways glance when her mobile vibrates its way off the counter and crashes to the floor.
"You shouldn't be crying over this."
"I'm just glad I couldn't do... I didn't want to be the person to destroy another's life out of spite. I didn't want to know I was capable of that," Neil explains, "Turns out I wasn't."
"I held onto that about you after I told you my secrets," Andrea says with a small smile. She doesn't want him to get the impression she was cocky about the fact he wouldn't turn her in. She doesn't want him to think she made the decision to tell him and hurt him flippantly because she knew there'd be no consequences for her.
"Look I..." Andrea starts, looking down at her feet. She breathes out heavily, trying to chase away any further tears and steps back from Neil. It's easy to smile and feel comfortable around him now so many things are out in the open. "I know this doesn't mean we can go back to where we were and be together, we still have things that will need time to heal and re-establish, some things still need to be sorted," She talks with her hands feeling it's important he hears her say it out loud, even if he already knows it.
"I'm getting there," Neil replies, looking up wide eyed at her.
"I know," Andrea takes one of his hands in hers and squeezes it, "In your own time at your own pace Neil."
"It's not fast enough for me," He says smiling and looking down at their joined hands with a short laugh.
"Come here," Andrea says quietly stepping into a new embrace with Neil. It feels so good to be back to even this point with him and she feels better about their collective future together as well. Andrea's sigh is one of contentedness.
"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you directly," Neil's voice comes from behind her.
"That was my fault; I wasn't intending to be here. You thought you were sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings with something small and furry that wasn't a part of your problems," Against her Neil laughs and Andrea catches on. "I'm just glad you could let out what you did," She says seriously and with her words she finds herself face to face with Neil.
"Let's promise to talk more often now, not necessarily about us," Neil asks, face and tone serious.
"I'd like that," Andrea smiles warmly, seconds later her phone, still working and on the floor, rings again.
"I have to go to work, I'm late," She says almost laughing as she goes to pick up her phone. "After the fall this took I can't believe it still works," She looks back at Neil and a confused look crosses her face when she sees Neil's serious look. "What's wrong?" For a second everything wonderful from the morning drains away.
"Nothing," He's quiet but quick to reassure her. "I called in sick," He can't stop the slide show of the previous night at the pub from playing in his minds eye. The kiss, or almost kiss or whatever won't leave him alone and it becomes hard to look at her, knowing he's gone and done almost the same thing to her as she did to him, and for a while there her actions upset him.
He needs to talk to Suzie and make a few things clear.
He had drink too much, he was upset about Smithy, worried about Colin, coming to terms with what he was feelings in respect to Andrea. They were horrible ingredients that were always going to lead to something he would regret. He's a contributor to this relationship mess as much as Andrea is he tells himself. He looks across at her as she searches for something in her bag, he can't tell her yet, not before he sorts things with Suzie but she will know, he refuses to keep it from Andrea.
"Well Cally would love to spend to day with you." Andrea says brightly but quickly gets the idea he's leaning the other way. "You could change here and then go in." He still has clothes here she remembers, waiting for him to return... a symbol of hope for her.
"Yeah if I could," Neil basically asks and Andrea looks to him smiling, she's about to remind him he used to live here and for that reason it's a stupid question but she holds back.
"Of course," In her purse her keys jingle teasingly, she can hear them but can't find them.
"Are you going to work now?" Andrea looks up briefly and then back down, continuing her search.
"I should, they've called twice and you don't have to be..." She was about to joke 'an investigative journalist to know why' but she decides then and there not to make jokes out of anything they've just attempted to smooth over. One look at Neil's face is all she needs to know exactly what he wants. "I suppose I could stay for a while, I've got nothing urgent to do."
Neil seems to lift with the decision.
"Did you have breakfast?" Andrea asks surveying the mess she'll have time to tidy now.
"I did but I wouldn't mind some..."
"Coffee," Andrea finishes for him. As she pulls the jar down from the cupboard she doesn't see Neil smile at the fact she finished his sentence.
Cally's claws click on the floor; accustomed to it Andrea takes no notice.
"Where's she been all this time?" Neil asks as Andrea starts the water boiling, when she turns the sight of Cally in Neil's arms makes her smile.
"Probably snoozing at the foot of my bed, she's a princess but at least she knows when to make herself scarce," Andrea shakes her head at their pampered dog. When she turns her back to get two cups, the only noise is Cally leaving the kitchen.
She finds Neil's eyes following her as she heads for the milk in the fridge and it makes her a little nervous, he's staring, thinking something and because of that Andrea can't see the milk for looking. She relaxes a little with the sudden sound of Neil's footsteps behind her, expecting that he's going to change.
Instead his fingers barely touch the inside of her arm, trailing their way delicately down her bare skin of the hand that's not holding the fridge door open...she wants the chills that run down her spine to last forever. He takes his fingers between hers and Andrea forgets about the milk, turns and throws her arms around his neck. She'll never get tired of holding him.
"Thank you," He says over her shoulder after a while and Andrea can't help but have her eyes closed and just concentrate on him. She misses his embrace as soon as she starts to slide out of it.
"You don't have to say it," She excuses him, squeezing her hand in hi,. "You don't mind black coffee do you?"
"It's there at the front," Neil says and Andrea slides her other arm away from him. When she sees how obviously the milk is placed she laughs at herself.
"You know where everything is don't you?" Andrea says regarding him getting changed, picking up the milk she's conscious they're still holding hands. Those same hands don't separate until they can stretch no further.
Tidying up from breakfast doesn't take long and when she's done Andrea carries their coffee to the living room, surprised to see Neil already there making final adjustments to his tie. She allows herself mere seconds to look at him. He still is irresistible in a suit, the charcoal suit with white shirt and maroon tie is no exception.
"Here," She offers, putting their coffee down and adjusting the knot. She keeps her eyes on what she's doing, conscious of the temptations of their proximity. She'd be kidding herself if she was to tell herself she offered to help for any other reason.
"All done," She says looking up to him only to find herself caught in his gaze, unable to pull away. "Coffee," She reminds them though she never forgot, it's her reason to pull her eyes from him before she got herself into trouble.
He sits on the sofa first and Andrea curls one leg under her before sitting across from him. The coffee slops down the front of her white blouse and she curses her clumsiness.
"White's a bit of a temptation," Neil comments of their shirts and Andrea dashes to the kitchen with a vein hope of dabbing the stain away.
"So what's happening at work?" He asks conversationally when Andrea comes back to the sofa, a large wet patch and a dull stain on the front of her.
"Nothing much, it's pretty mundane at the moment, the usual things. I'm doing a follow up on the documentary but other than that..." The documentary is a lie but she needs it for Neil's sake, she has a sudden and acute pang of guilt that she hasn't ended things formally with Smithy yet, sure they're not going out on 'dates' anymore and the other night at the pub was investigative journalism into Neil, shortly after she'd found out what she needed to, she left...but no one had definitively said it was over and that wasn't for lack of wanting or trying.
And now she's lying to him again, after all the fences they'd mended today.
"I thought that was over," Neil comments putting her on the spot.
"I'm just getting feedback in case we ever have the need to do it again," She makes up as she goes along, wishing she could somehow steer the conversation in another direction.
"That's when I saw you in Smithy's office." Neil is unable to hide in his voice the face his feelings aren't quite neutral about the scene that had played out before him.
"Right," Andrea says with discomfort and takes a mouthful of coffee to disguise it. "What about you?" She masterfully deflects any further conversation from her.
"Well despite putting in long hours recently, I really couldn't tell you, I've been so distracted lately," Neil's honest.
"How long?" Andrea asks with concern, "What hours?"
"Fourteen to sixteen hour days," Neil sighs, he never noticed their length, they kept him going.
Andrea looks at her cup, tracing the rim with her fingers. "Avoiding the flat when Colin wasn't there, trying to distract from your problems," Andrea suggests.
"All of the above and more," When Andrea looks up he meets her eyes. "Suzie Sim picked up on it, she told me off, to go home," He's not going to lie, she'll know one day soon about Suzie's support. Andrea on the other hand feels a pang of jealousy and a little threatened.
"She's been a good friend?" Andrea asks though it only feeds her jealousy. From day one she'd gotten off on the wrong foot work wise with Suzie who also quickly caught onto her affections for Neil. While Neil had reassured her there was nothing going on and never would be, Andrea had since harboured a feeling of caution when it came to Suzie Sim. She's a smart and cluey detective and could easily work out what Neil and herself have if she wanted to. She has a strong and long friendship with Neil, not stronger than Andrea's but... She's intelligent, attractive and available, Neil's equivalent of Smithy.
"Suzie, yeah, she feels she owes me so she wants to help and she's loyal...a good friend," Neil explains and Andrea itches to leave the topic behind.
"She's not the only one who's loyal," Andrea suggests and Neil misinterprets, thinking Andrea meant herself, "I meant Cally but I..."
When she first met Suzie, having said the same sentence as she just has, Andrea probably would have traded the word 'one' for 'bitch'... coincidently it fits nicely with Cally's gender as well.
But Andrea has respect for Suzie now.
"Are you o.k. now?" She reaches across and touches Neil's knee lightly.
"I'm going to be," He says looking intensely at Andrea who does nothing to stop him; her look back to him encourages him. It takes six rings of her phone before she reluctantly breaks off eye contact.
"I've really got to go now," She smiles before heading to the kitchen and tipping what is left of her coffee down the sink. She hears Neil behind her come to do the same but misjudges where he is and when she turns she crashes straight into him, hands on his chest. She instantly becomes aware of the reflex movement of his arms that come to rest on her hips.
"I'm sorry," Andrea's laugh is one of embarrassment. She's caught in a dangerous position with Neil, toe to toe, her lips come up to just under his chin and he's leaning towards her.
"No coffee stain," He says self consciously and Andrea looks to her blouse, he was watching her and enjoying being so close.
"I'm such a grub," She says looking up at Neil knowing if she doesn't step around him now she's going to kiss him as it is it takes a few seconds to force herself. "Excuse me," He doesn't protest when her hands drop from his chest and she steps around him.
Andrea busies herself finding keys, jacket and other essentials, waiting for Neil to catch up at the door.
"Bye Cally," Neil calls and the four little feet come galloping out of Andrea's room.
They jump up on him and Andrea but when goodbyes are done she disappears back into Andrea's room. Neil takes the lead down the stairs.
"Can I call you in a couple of days or you call me?" Neil asks out of the blue when they're almost to their cars.
"Of course," Andrea nods, switching her bag to the other hand, she watches his features as he steps closer to her.
"I needed this morning," She knew something like this was coming.
"I know," Andrea smiles.
"Thank you," She can't count how many times this morning he's said it because he's leaning in to kiss her.
"Ah, I'm sorry," Andrea says embarrassed as she steps slightly to the side. "I don't trust myself right now."
"Me either, I was counting on that," His wide smile tells her he knew what he was doing all along.
"I'll see you later," Andrea smiles back brightly and heads for her car, she looks back to Neil over the roof as she gets in, he's still smiling.
"Guv," Phil doesn't hide his surprise ay seeing Neil at the bottom of the stairs to CID. "I wasn't expecting you; the DCI said you were sick."
Neil continues walking up; Phil has to hurry to keep up with him. "It was one of those few hour things; I'm feeling much better now, thanks for your concern."
"Few hour things..." Phil grins. "Hang on," Phil takes two steps at a time to the top so he pulls in front of Neil, "You're happy, almost smiling."
Neil doesn't visibly react, stopping on the step one from the top.
"Are you saying I'm not happy at work?" Neil plays along, pretending to be insulted.
"I'd go as far as to say you haven't been happy anywhere lately," If this came from anyone but Phil...Neil wants to share the good news but not in such a public place.
"It was that obvious," Neil goes around Phil and through the double doors to CID, stretching Phil out until they're in his office. Neil had stopped along the way for case updates and things to sign and Phil had faithfully trotted along behind him, not wanting to miss anything, wanting the full story.
Really Neil could care less if everyone has seen he's going through a hard spot of life at the moment, it's nothing to gossip about, everyone knows the details of his marriage and son...except about Andrea. He's completed all his work though it may be a little ordinary in some places.
"I heard Suzie Sim took you out for a drink last night, you didn't...?" Phil is discrete enough to whisper as they head into Neil's office
"No," Neil says astounded Phil would suggest such a thing; it's a Phil thing to do to suggest such an action. "Suzie and I are friends, good friends and colleagues," Neil looks through his blinds to the friend and colleague he nearly kissed last night, if it weren't for her clarity on the situation. He doesn't need to convince himself about the good friends bit, he knows it's true, so does she and once he's done with Phil, that's the next thing he's going to do.
Phil follows his look through the blinds and then looks back to Neil for something, anything that might catch him in a lie, "Besides I'm in love with Andrea, I love Andrea, is this the face of someone who's just cheated on the woman who is possibly the love of his life."
Phil's face quickly dissolves from the stun it wore immediately after Neil said the words, it makes sense after all. "No of course not, I'm sorry. The other... that's great," Phil says the second half hesitantly.
"Look I don't expect you to understand or approve or whatever," Neil absolves Phil of having to make a positive judgement.
"No, I was just surprised to hear you say it, and then there's all the stuff you two have been through but when I think about it, it all makes sense," Phil explains himself.
"Andrea and I had a long talk about a lot of things this morning before I came in," The details of the conversation are irrelevant details Phil doesn't need to know.
"What about Philippa...I mean you said Andrea is the love of your life," Phil broaches though he knows he probably shouldn't.
"I don't know Phil, I'll always love Philippa even if it weren't for Jake but I don't know if we were even in love, maybe we were, with Andrea it's different, it feels better, right, I suspect a lot of feelings will come out of the wash in the divorce," Neil's not sure it's possible to put any of it into a coherent sentence.
"So you and Andrea are back together?" Phil states more than questions, he's hurt slightly to be me with a laugh from Neil.
"You're a dozen red roses and everything's forgotten man aren't you?" Phil doesn't get a chance to reply when a knock comes at the door. When Neil's taken receipt of the case files and paperwork, Phil gets a chance to defend himself.
"What's wrong with that?" Phil defends himself indignantly.
"It's just some things are bigger than small tokens," Neil explains and Phil can accept that.
"But things are better between you two," Phil surmises.
"Much," As if he needs further proof, Neil looks up and smiles again.
Phil leaves without a word, closing the door behind him.
"Thank God, I was starting to think my next call was going to be from some hack journalist asking for a comment on your death," Louise says loudly, striding over to Andrea's desk where she has dropped her bag having just walked in. "I called you three times," Despite giving Andrea a long leash in the past, Louise seems annoyed and irritated this time.
"Your office, tea, biscuits, a locked door and no interruptions," Andrea says with a straight face, she unpacks nothing nor turns on her computer.
"You have news?" Louise asks working up to being excited.
"Better than that, good news," Andrea breaks into a brilliant smile.
"Neil?" Louise guesses though it wasn't hard.
"Who else?" Andrea replies.
"Tea and biscuits, must be something big," There's no stopping Louise's enthusiasm now.
"Cancel your lunch with Joshua," Andrea grins wryly.
"How did you know about that?" Louise asks, Andrea wasn't meant to know.
"He asked me the other day what a nice place to take you would be," Andrea finds she can't stop smiling for many reasons beyond Louise and Joshua. "Kidding, we'll be done a few seconds before he arrives." Andrea jokes.
"Stuff him, he can wait," Louise laughs. "You get the tea; I'll get the wonder secretary up front to make sure we're not disturbed, even if they find weapons of mass destruction at the Yard."
Louise has gone before Andrea can come back with something witty herself, there's no need, she practically glides to the kitchen and then into Louise's office.
"Spare no detail," Louise instructs when her door closes, tea and biscuits set out for them on her desk. It'll be easy; Andrea hasn't stopped running the morning through her head.
To be continued...In the next story. Story ID -