She left. She stood up and left. And I wasn't ready, of course I wasn't ready. I was completely sure that after our 30 days break we would be ready to move on and work on our relationship, and finally leave all behind. I had realized during our break, that even though I wanted complete my fetal fellowship, It didn't mean so much If she wasn't on my side. It didn't matter much if I couldn't go home after an exhausting day to her, to Sof, to our family.
I don't know where things went wrong, one minute I was telling her how much I love her and how much I need her in my life, and the next thing I know, is that I was sitting alone, on a therapist's couch, watching how the most important thing in my life slips away from my hands. And I could feel it, I felt how every wish, every dream disappeared in front of me with every step she gave.
When I agreed with the 30 days break, I didn't do it because I was exhausted of her, or because I needed a break from her. I did it because I needed a break from the pressure that I was putting on myself, on trying to not screw anything else... And maybe the pressure of our relationship, I know it sounds hard, but I just needed to clear up my head. I have started my fetal fellowship, Callie was working on her veteran project, and we have just agreed to have another baby, and after that... Well, things heated up pretty quickly. And the true is, neither of us had the time for a baby, Sofia already had all of our time. But at the time, after getting back together again, a baby seemed like the next logical step, we bought a house, we left behind the memories that haunted us. So yeah, we thought that a baby was the missing piece. And Callie, gosh, she wanted a baby so badly, babies have been part of her dream since forever, and I wanted to give her that, but I wanted that too, that was also my dream, and she failed to see that, Sofia changed me in so many levels, she changed my perspective about my life, and about what I want in my life, and I wanted more of that, why wouldn't I?
But I didn't want have to give up on the fellowship either, is that wrong? I still don't regret it though, I needed a new challenge, professionally speaking. Most of my life, my career was... My aspiration, what I lived for, I wanted to be the best, so I worked hard to be the best. And lately I wasn't feeling like the best, I wasn't feeling confident, I wasn't feeling like the Arizona Robbins that once won the "Carter Madison Grant". So I thought that if I could just get through that, if I could just be the best again, I could also be the best for Callie. So I made a decision, I spoke for myself and I chose. I didn't want to, I didn't understand why I had to choose. Why couldn't I just have both? But I did it anyway. Once I gave up on my dream, did I had to do it again? I made a bold decision, I risked everything. At the end... At the end I was empty-handed. No wife, no family to go home after work, no home, and the fellowship was kicking my ass. I had never felt so alone, no since Tim's death.
- "Do you miss her?"
- "I still love her, that's all I can say."