I'm Glad You Called
By: Etheria27
"I wish I knew how to quit you."
"I'm glad you called."
The welcome on the other line catches his breath in his throat. He becomes acutely aware of the pulse in his temple now. When the baritone voice comes through again he nearly gasps.
"Holden?"
The words nearly tumble forth but he catches them in the dryness of his tongue. What did he even call to say? What did he want? "Yeah?" He finally manages.
"I miss you."
"No you don't."
It's out before he can catch himself, the burn of guilt trembling across the back of his skull. He can imagine the conflict in the other man's eyes. He remembers it from the window seat of the bus, as they untwined they limbs and returned to reality. He recalls all the times he's let him down, all the times those roles have been reversed. He nearly doesn't catch the next words.
"I do, Holden."
The seering runs through his chest and aches in a way he thought he had stifled for good. When he speaks he doesn't sound nearly as strong: "Paula told me about your summer in Monaco."
There was the vestiges of a chuckle, gone so fast he wonders if he imagined it. "I can tell you all about my efforts to forget about you if you'd like. Spoiler warning: European ass isn't nearly as good as yours babe."
"Fuck off." He blurted, but even he caught the humor in his inflection.
"Come over." A familiar proposition, one that elicited a kaleidoscope of memories. He willed them away with the threat of repercussions, the uncertainty and the likelihood of regret.
"You know I can't, Sean."
"Why not?" It was gruff, Holden remembers how it sounds consumed by lust. He tries to forget the way it sounds in the stillness of the morning. "I love you, Holden."
"I love you too." He says it automatically. He doesn't consider the emotional gravity of the words until he's hanging on Sean's next sentence.
"Why did you call, Holden?"
"I...just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, Sean."
There's a glimmer of light that fractures across his counter, and he swears he can feel the heat compacted in his kitchen. He catches the edge of a cabinet, pressing his forehead to oak.
"Then come wish me a happy birthday in person." He picks up on the lilt in Sean's voice, and it urges him on.
"You can come here, if you're so desperate for head."
"Oh yeah?" The tension is throbbing through the phone now. "I'm calling a cab."
"Be here in 10 or I'm heading to the beach."
Xx
"I can't believe you made it in six minutes." He was tracing his last name across Sean's chest, combing through the thin patch of hair.
"'Bout half the time it took you to get that nut outta me." Sean's accent comes through heavy, and Holden buries his face in the other man's side. An arm comes around to secure him closer.
"Eventually I'm gonna get you to move back in with me babe."
Holden snorted, "Good luck convincing Kara."
"I could give a fuck what my manager says. I'll go play ball in Canada if no one picks me in the draft."
"No you won't, Sean. The NFL is your entire world."
"It was until I met you." He says it with such conviction Holden nearly believes him. Then he remembers this same conversation a year ago, and suddenly he doesn't feel as sure.
He's off the bed before he can think of an excuse, and by the time he realizes Sean has asked him he's got his shoes tied up.
"I have dinner plans." He avoids the other man's gaze.
"With who?"
Holden's spinning on his heel before he can stop himself. "I told you Sean, you don't get to do this anymore."
"What?" Sean's getting up from the bed, but Holden raises a hand to halt him.
"You don't get to ask me about my personal life. You don't get to know everything I'm doing without you, who I'm going out with at night and why I always call you in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. You chose what you wanted and-"
"And I told you three months ago that it was the biggest mistake of my life. Now please Holden just...let me show you."
He remembers when he'd only ever seen Sean be strong. Now it feels like he only ever leaves him lonely. He twists the doorknob in his hand but doesn't leave. Not yet.
"I need more time, Sean. I told myself that the next time we try this, it's for good. I can't go through that again, and I won't let you close enough to hurt me until I know you won't."
He watches Sean fist the sheets, and he wonders what the other man holds back as he averts his eyes. Holden lets out a sigh.
"Goodbye for now, Sean Jackson."
He's nearly to the front door when Sean's words echo through the living room. "Goodbye for now, Holden Jackson."