How You Win Wars
Sam and Dean sat quietly after Ruby left their hotel room, both stunned at the loss of Amici, Nancy and especially Henriksen who they had finally convinced over to their side. Sam had been feeling guilty for not seeing the wrongness of sacrificing Nancy to save the others until after it was all over, until he realized that Dean's plan was the only plan they should have considered. Before they knew what had happened after they had left, Sam had realized that Dean had done it. He had saved everyone. He chose humanity first and had won. Sam began to question why he couldn't see that. What happened afterwards, neither of them could have known or prevented.
"Dean. You were right."
"About what? About the body count or about failing to save Nancy and Henriksen?" Dean spat out bitterly.
"That wasn't your fault. That was Lillith's –"
"Bull, Sam. Ruby was right. You were right. Maybe we should have sacrificed – " Dean started then stopped himself, realizing what he was about to say and unable to bring himself to say it even though it would be easier to excuse it away like that.
Deep down, he knew standing up and fighting them all had been the right choice. Cutting out an innocent's heart was wrong on all levels. Henriksen had been right, it wasn't the kind of sacrifices they made, still, remembering how refreshingly sweet and innocent Nancy had been as well as heroic because she had been willing to go through with it to save her friends, didn't make her loss any less painful to him. He had admired her belief and conviction.
"Dean, you know you don't believe that. Casualties happen. At least you tried to save as many as you could. Your thought was always about saving them all and you almost did."
"I know, but damn it…almost isn't good enough." Dean said frustrated.
Sam saw Dean's frustration and hated that he had ever doubted him.
"I'm sorry, Dean for not seeing that Ruby was wrong."
Dean looked over and saw the Sam he recognized, not the one who was debating with him about actually letting Ruby cut Nancy's heart out. That Sam scared him. He didn't know that Sam and had begun to wonder how much Ruby's influence was effecting him, if her false promise to save him was clouding Sam's judgment. He had debated about telling Sam that Ruby had lied to him, that he couldn't be saved, but he was just as scared at what taking away Sam's hope would do to him so he kept silent for now.
"It's okay, Sammy. I just don't want us to lose ourselves. Every life has to mean something. We might not save them all…" Dean said as he swallowed down his emotions. "But I can't win a war that makes it all right to sacrifice anyone for the sake of just winning. What good is winning if in the end, we end up as inhuman as the demons?"
Sam nodded.
"You're right."
Dean looked at his brother and he had never felt so scared for him. What was happening to the brother who had lectured him on staying human and not taking lives with prejudice. What scared Dean even more now was how will Sam stand against enemies like Lillith after he's gone? Could he stand against them? The thought was too horrific to entertain.