Mullet Dreams - A Yappy Obi story
SUMMARY: 13 year old Obi-Wan aka Yappy Obi and his master have a challenging conversation about dreams, Obi-Wan's future (and future hair) and Master Dooku.)
Obi: Master, I had another weird dream last night.
Qui: What about?
Obi: Spinning, bad hair and Master Dorko.
Qui: Dooku.
Obi: Yeah, him. He's a mean man, Master. Why did you ever work with him?
Qui: He selected me as his apprentice.
Obi: You shoulda said no.
Qui: I did not have that option.
Obi: You should have invented it.
Qui: Obi-Wan, the dream?
Obi: Oh, right. So Dorko had me held hostage.
Qui: Why?
Obi: I told you, he's mean. Oh, and I was kinda trying to kill him.
Qui: Why? You certainly weren't trying to kill him simply because he was mean.
Obi: No, then I'd have to kill a lot of people. And that's wrong, Master.
Qui: I am glad you think so.
Obi: So, he captured me and…
Qui: You allowed yourself to be captured?
Obi: I didn't allow it, it just happened.
Qui: How old were you when this happened?
Obi: In my dream? Thirty-Five I guess. I was a full-fledged Knight.
Qui: And you still allowed yourself to be captured. I must have failed in my duties as your master.
Obi: You didn't, but it's kinda your fault that all of this happened.
Qui: Where was I?
Obi: Dead.
Qui: That's nice.
Obi: Trust me, if I had known that I'd be stuck with Jerk Boy for ten years after you got taken out by a crazy, horn-headed, tattooed, double-sided lightsaber wielding Sith, I'd have jumped in front of that blade with you. That would've been poetic, Master, right?
Qui: It would have been stupid.
Obi: But poetically stupid.
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Okay, so you died and made me train the kid and the kid went all nuts, well no, wait…I got captured before he went nuts. He was on the verge of going nuts maybe. Oh, he was probably off doing adult mush things with that queen chick while I was busy being captured. Involuntarily captured, of course. But they were very drooly.
Qui: Drooly? And you allowed your apprentice to have relations with a queen?
Obi: I didn't allow it, it just happened.
Qui: Yes, so you've said. Please continue the story.
Obi: Oh, so I got captured. Dorko did it.
Qui: Dooku.
Obi: Then he suspended me in mid-air with Force-cuffs, which was kinda cool for a minute, until I started spinning. Around and around and around and around…
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: But I was! Oh and you should've seen my hair. It as horrible. All big and puffy and it looked like a helmet. I think it was a mullet and maybe that's why Dorko took me hostage. I don't know. It was pretty bad.
Qui: Please move on with the story. You didn't get captured because you had bad hair.
Obi: Plot lines are funny that way, Master. One can never know for sure. But maybe it wasn't the hair and he really is just mean. So, he kept spinning me. It was slow though, or I would've puked on him. But I didn't. I contained myself. Aren't you proud of me, Master?
Qui: No. Move on.
Obi: As I was spinning my way to hopefully a better hair style, he started yammering on about you. That you would join him and... I think maybe he was saying you would go Dark Side together and roam the galaxy wreaking havoc and being bad. I'm not completely sure, he was talking a lot and I got bored and blanked out for a second. I defended you though, said you would never join him. Then he said I shouldn't be so sure about that. Master, would you go Dark Side without me?
Qui: I would not go Dark Side at all. Thank you for defending me though.
Obi: Someone had to since you were dead and I had to have something to do while I was spinning to take my mind off of my hair.
Qui: I feel honored. Continue.
Obi: Oh, he babbled on a little bit more and then I got away.
Qui: Just like that?
Obi: Well, no, the details are sketchy. I don't really know what happened. One minute I was was thinking about my hair again and then just boom! I was free. Or taken somewhere else, I'm not really sure. All that hair though.
Qui: And then you woke up from the dream?
Obi: No, then I got cuffed to a giant concrete pole and attacked by a huge praying mantis. Such an angry creature. I think he just needed a hug. He was mean though, just like Dorko.
Qui: Dooku. Is that the end of the dream now? Please?
Obi: Do you want that to be the end, Master?
Qui: I do.
Obi: Then it is.
Qui: Very well.
Obi: Is that why you are mean? Because you had a mean master?
Qui: I am not mean.
Obi: Not all the time, but sometimes you just act like you don't want to hang around with me and then you reject me for Jerk Boy and my life goes to shambles. It's a sad story, Master.
Qui: It sounds like it. I do not wish to be mean, Obi-Wan. However, at times, you frustrate me.
Obi: I do, I know.
Qui: Can you not do that anymore?
Obi: I'd try, Master, but we all know it would be for naught.
Qui: For naught?
Obi: I'm learning new words. Finding a place to use that one was tough.
Qui: Well, at least you are learning something.
Obi: Hug?
Qui: No, you already know how to hug.
Obi: No, can I have a hug?
Qui: Why?
Obi: Because I had a bad dream.
Qui: Which you have recovered from in about 3 minutes. Record time.
Obi: I'm resilient.
Qui: You are that.
Obi: I have strange dreams, Master.
Qui: You're a strange boy, Obi-Wan.
Obi: I am. My dreams exhaust me.
Qui: If you dreamed normal things, that would not be a problem.
Obi: I'm not normal, Master. You know that. Do you spin in your dreams?
Qui: I don't believe so.
Obi: My future is weird.
Qui: That had better not be your future. It's embarrassing.
Obi: My girlie-fight to the death?
Qui: That was your other dream last month.
Obi: They're all related, Master. You can prevent it all by not dying.
Qui: I suppose I could.
Obi: So, don't let the Council send you to Naboo so that we don't have to detour to desert world, and you don't hook up with that Schmi chick, drool on her face, steal her kid, bring him home, toss me out on my butt in front of the Council, hang out with some giant frog people, get sliced up by a Sith and then die in my arms. It really is a sad story, Master.
Qui: I will do my best not to make all those things happen. Giant frog people?
Obi: You missed the 'dying in my arms' part. That was most important. Not frogs. I was sad. I cried. I miss you, Master.
Qui: I'm still here, Obi-Wan.
Obi: You are, but not for long.
Qui: When do I die in dreams?
Obi: When I'm twenty-five.
Qui: And you are how old now? Thirteen. Haven't you been thirteen for a very long time?
Obi: Seems like it. I exhaust me.
Qui: Try being me living with you.
Obi: I can only imagine, Master. You are strong.
Qui: You've no idea.
Obi: And still you do what you do that causes me bad dreams.
Qui: I am not the cause of your dreams, Obi-Wan.
Obi: You are, Master.
Qui: How so?
Obi: Do you listen to anything I say?
Qui: I try hard not to.
Obi: I should just hug you now and say goodbye.
Qui: No, there's no need. Even if your dreams are true, I apparently have twelve more years. Plenty of time to say goodbye.
Obi: And hug me.
Qui: Whatever you say, Obi-Wan.
Obi: I miss you, Master.
Qui: We just did this. I am right here. Alive. See me?
Obi: Still, it's not the same.
Qui: As what?
Obi: As having you here with me.
Qui: Obi-Wan, I am standing right here. Right here.
Obi: Whatever you say, Master.
Qui: All right. I'm done. Don't you have classes this morning?
Obi: I do, and I should go to them, right?
Qui: You should.
Obi: I'm taking Starship Mechanics this month. I am going to learn how to hot-wire a speeder.
Qui: For what purpose?
Obi: For when we end up on Frog-Land and have to go underwater through the planet core in a Bongo with the clumsy, orange, babbling frog creature. You make some stupid comment about there always being a bigger fish, while I do all the work. That bigger fish whacks our Bongo and we break down about to get eaten by a giant alligator monster, I save the day, hot-wire the ship, dodge the monster-gator and off we go. All the while, you just sit behind me talking about big fish.
Qui: Another dream?
Obi: Last week. I told you about that one. Do you not listen?
Qui: I try not to.
Obi: Okay, so I should go to class now.
Qui: You should.
Obi: Okay.
Qui: Okay.
Obi: Soooo...
Qui: Class is out the door, to the left and down several floors.
Obi: Yes it is.
Qui: And?
Obi: I'm torn, Master.
Qui: What now?
Obi: Well, if I never take Starship Mechanics then I never know how to hot-wire the Bongo. If I can't hot-wire the Bongo, I don't save the day, we get eaten, and you never get to desert land to steal children, specifically Jerk Boy. He stays with his slobbery mom, maybe slaughters a few Sand People, you and I are dead, I never have to watch you die in my arms, and all is well.
Qui: So, we are both dead.
Obi: We are.
Qui: How is this a good thing?
Obi: Did you again miss the part about you dying in my arms? That is a bad day for me.
Qui: Worse for me, apparently.
Obi: No, I don't think so. But not my point. My point is, maybe I shouldn't take that class.
Qui: Maybe you should. Now. Or I will assign you four days of meditation with no breaks other than bathroom every twelve hours.
Obi: You really are mean. Dorko taught you well.
Qui: Dooku.
Obi: I don't think it matters what his name is. He dies too. At least he has nice hair when it happens. No mullet and he doesn't go out in girlie fight. Okay, I'll go to class. But when you die in my arms, remember this day.
Qui: I may be preoccupied with dying.
Obi: True.
Qui: Class or meditation. You pick it.
Obi: Class.
Qui: Very well. Go on now.
Obi: Okay, but, Master?
Qui: Yes, Obi-Wan?
Obi: Please don't die.
Qui: I will try not to.
Obi: And don't be mean like Dorko.
Qui: Dooku.
Obi: Did you ever hug him?
Qui: I did not.
Obi: Didn't think so. He's definitely not the huggable type.
Qui: I would agree with that assessment.
Obi: Will you hug me now?
Qui: Will you go to class if I do?
Obi: I will.
Qui: Fine. Here. A hug to show you I am not mean like Master Dorko.
Obi: Dooku. No wait...hey, I see what you did there. Oh, this is a nice hug, Master. I'll hug you when you die, don't worry.
Qui: Please go to class now and stop talking about my death. It's very disconcerting. You and I have many years together if we ever get through your thirteenth.
Obi: I love being thirteen.
Qui: You would. Hug is over, go to class. Learn how to hot-wire ships so you can save us from giant monster-gators when you are twenty-five.
Obi: Master! You do listen to me!
Qui: Always, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Aw, you aren't mean. You just pretend to be mean. I promise that I will spin and wear my mullet hair with courage, Master, and make you proud.
Qui: You do that, Padawan. And now?
Obi: Class.
Qui: Go.
Obi: Now?
Qui: Obi-Wan!
END