You stare at the young man sleeping in your bed as the early light begins to fill the room, wondering at just what point his being there became inevitable. He's tangled in the sheets, arms and legs sticking out with a relaxed abandon that he never manages during his waking hours. His eyelashes graze his cheeks, and you can barely hear the soft sound of his rhythmic breathing coming from between his parted lips. You've seen that face before, on statues of angels, and photographs of small innocent children.
You, with all your skill at predicting human behavior, never saw this coming. You remember the night it began. The darkness that had been trying to swallow you for so long had finally become so suffocating that you began to wonder if this would be the night you started thinking about eating your gun. And then he was there, putting those oh so long arms around you, so tentatively at first, and then strong, in a way you had never thought of him as strong. You realized you should have known, that the demons he survived had shaped him just as yours had shaped you.
Of all the people in your life, he is the only one that truly sees you. The tight control you always held over yourself had shut everyone else out, except for those wise, young eyes. Knowing that, you were finally able to let go. All the pain and the sorrow. The horrible things that had happened and the things that might happen that you couldn't stop. They all poured out of you in a drawn out sob verging on a scream. As always, the unspoken bond between you held, and he knew, without you saying a word. He held you tightly, and with that same wordless voice told you that it would be ok. That he was there, that he would always be there, loving you, believing in you in a way that would have bordered on hero worship if you didn't know how well he understood your weaknesses.
You couldn't be sure of exactly the moment when it grew, changed, and overwhelmed you both with the same need. Who touched who first, who asked, who said yes. It didn't matter. It was the blind leading the blind, and what was this passion if not pain turned inside out, grasping at life, at beauty, at possibility? And all along you knew how badly it could turn out. How you should have been strong enough to say no. Still, you couldn't bring yourself to let him go. Could not let him go.
Please Don't Go
As you stood there over him, his honey brown eyes opened and he looked up at you. It was early, but you were always the first one in. His face flushed a little as you made eye contact, realizing that you had been watching him. He was still unsure and so easily embarrassed. But he held your eyes, scanning, seeing you . Without guile, without agenda, with nothing but bare-naked love.
"Is everything ok , Hotch ? " he asked quietly.
"It's fine baby" you reassure him. "I'm just going in to take a shower. I'll see you in a few hours at work"
You turned and walked into the bathroom, praying that this would not be the day that he figured out what a terrible mistake he was making, and leave you alone.
Again.