Regrets

by Camilla Richard

This is a little oneshot I wrote. It is directly connected to my fic Guilty Pleasures, so it may be hard to understand if you have not read that. It's basically some of the characters from that story regretting the bad choices they made during the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Septimus. I bet you know that by now though.

Author's Note: Hey, guess what? I'm back. I hope you guys aren't sick of me yet. This is just a little depressing oneshot I wrote based on many of the events that occur in Guilty Pleasures. I just kind of wanted to post this before I start posting my sequel. This one's for Marcy, who asked for it. Anyone is welcome to read this oneshot, however, it had spoilers for my previous fanfiction. You are warned. In fact, I don't think you will understand this fic unless you have read Guilty Pleasures. This just talks about some of the characters' regrets. Each of the parts of this fic are told in first person. There are five parts and each part is told by a different character. I just thought I'd make that clear so nobody gets confused. I hope these give the reader an idea of how some of the more minor characters felt about some of the things they went through during the course of the story. Well, two of them weren't really all that minor, but they weren't as important as say, Sep and Jen. Okay, on with the show.

Regrets

Marissa's P.O.V.

I feel so empty, as though all of my energy has been permanently sucked out of me. Morwenna, our witch mother, keeps telling me that I'm being weak. She says that we Wendrons should never lose our heads over something as stupid as a boy, but I can't help it. I'm not trying to be weak, truly I'm not, but I just can't even begin to imagine what my life will be like without him. I never really realized just how much Jojo meant to me and now he's gone. I don't even know if I ever told him I loved him. Looking back on it, I am almost positive I didn't. He'll never know how I felt. I've got to stop this lamenting. Lamenting won't bring him back. Besides, Morwenna will never let me inherit her position of witch mother if I complain. Jojo always thought I would inherit her job when I got older, and I want to do that. I think it would make him proud.

I've never considered myself a vicious person, but I am utterly thrilled that Misty Banda is dead. I sincerely hope that she is rotting in hell. She deserves all of the torture that can get. She took Jojo's life for no good reason at all. She just wanted to support that idiot Cliff. She obviously wasn't very intelligent. Cliff never stood a chance against Jojo's brother, Septimus. Cliff was even stupider than Misty because he thought he was actually though enough to take on Septimus and Marcia. He was a fool. But now, I'm sure he and Misty are reunited in death, which is more than I can say for Jojo and me. It will be years before he and I are reunited. In some ways, I wish I had died with him. Part of me did, I think. But I would never tell Morwenna. She would tell me I was stupid. I don't know if Morwenna has ever been in love, but I kind of doubt it. If she had been, she wouldn't be so inconsiderate about my feelings.

I know I will never forget Jojo. I could try, but it would be futile. I think I could probably manage to not think of him during the day if I really tried, but I know my dreams would bring the memories back. Memories like our first kiss, the first time he smiled at me, the way he used to say my name, and finally, his funeral. That is one memory that I desperately want to forget about. There was something so final about Jojo's funeral. Until then, I hadn't really believed that he was gone. For all those years, he was my life, but I was too proud to tell him that. Morwenna tells us to have as many affairs as we like, but to never admit our affection for our lovers. I followed Morwenna's rule and now, I'm terribly sorry I did. If I could see my Jojo, even for just one more moment, I would tell him everything I ever felt for him. But it's too late now. I need to stop these foolish regrets before they take me over. I'm a pathetic excuse for a Wendron Witch. Wendrons are supposed to be tough and witty. I'm hardly either. Who am I kidding? I'll never be Witch Mother. I'll most likely spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if Jojo had lived through the war. Wherever Jojo is now, I hope he knows just how much I love him and will always love him. I am doomed to walk the Forest paths, plagued by my thoughts of him.

The other witches already call me crazy. I hear them whisper my name at night, when they think I am asleep. They love to gossip, which something I never understood. Whenever I would refuse the join in their negative conversations, they would say, "Marissa, you're a goody-goody." Or "Marissa, you're a loser." Their comments used to hurt, but now, I don't care. They can't hurt me any worse than losing Jojo has. I've heard some people say that life gets better as we go along, but I can't imagine my life being better than it was when I had Jojo by my side. But I'll have to find a way to make it look like I've moved on. If I don't, Morwenna will kick me out of the Witch Coven and that is the last thing I want. The Coven is all I have now. It's not perfect, but it's my life. I have to keep going for Jojo even though I don't want to. He would want me to keep living my life. In his honor, I will at least attempt to continue life, even if it does seem rather pointless now.

Aunt Zelda's P.O.V.

I never thought my goddaughter would do what she did. As a child, she was so kind, so sweet. I can't tell you how many afternoons she spent in my cottage just talking to me, keeping me company. I don't know what I would have done without Misty. She touched my life in a way no one else has. I felt responsible for Misty, in charge of her. I guess I kind of was. Misty's mother was a good woman, but she was somewhat vain and selfish, desiring only what would benefit her in the long run. Misty and her father were very close and when he died, Misty transferred all of the love she had for him to me, her godmother. I adored almost everything about Misty. Without realizing it, I must have seen her as the child I was never allowed to have. After all, a keeper may not marry. It is forbidden. But Misty kept me from becoming lonely. She was easy to love. There was never a child more cheerful than Misty. She could make even the most depressed, grumpy people smile. But that was before she met him.

Cliff changed Misty in ways I had never imagined he would be able to change her. I had always thought her will was too strong to give into temptation as she did. Apparently, I was wrong. I still remember the look in Misty's eyes when Cliff first walked into my house. She was mesmerized, I could tell that much. But I assumed it would just be a little crush, nothing she couldn't get over quickly. Besides, she knew Cliff was off-limits, he was engaged to Snorri Snorelson. When Cliff and Snorri broke apart, I was not surprised to see Cliff and Misty become a couple, but I still thought it was pretty innocent. I didn't know how very much in love Misty was with Cliff or how far she was willing to go to please him.

People always talk about what a fantastic emotion love is. They say that, in love, there is no wrong. I have always disagreed with that statement and my goddaughter proves my point. Misty's actions during the war were rash and sadistic. She was not a sadistic person at heart, I am sure of that. But that day, she was a sadistic as people come. She killed my nephew and didn't even look back. She also murdered Simon's widow, Lucy. Her love for Cliff led her to do this. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if things would have been different had I taken the time to explain to her that no matter how angry or desperate she became, she should never turn to violence as a way out. I think her father and mother used to encourage her to fight her way out of sticky situations, and I only wish I could have told her how wrong they were. Fighting has never solved any real problems. I suppose I will always regret not teaching Misty all I could. If she had had a bit more knowledge, maybe she wouldn't have been so stupid that night.

Even though I know most people think she's a terrible person now, I know in my heart that Misty was never evil or malicious. I still love Misty. Although she's no longer here, I have forgiven her for what she did. How could I not forgive Misty? She was like a breath of sweet spring air on the coldest of days. As a child, she was an angel on Earth. I believe that angel was still inside of Misty the day she died, but unfortunately, Misty just misplaced the wonderful side of herself. I will always regret what happened to Misty. Her fate could have easily been prevented if she had had someone to talk to, but I wasn't there for her. Now, I am the one who is going suffer because of it.

Sarah's P.O.V.

Is it wrong to admit that I still miss Silas occasionally? I know that most women would have considered him a horrible husband. I know he had a few affairs behind my back, or at least attempted to have some during the last years of our marriage. Then, of course, there was the drinking which was enough to drive anyone insane. His obnoxious habits became worse and worse every year, and eventually, I couldn't even recognize the man I had fallen in love with as a young, naïve girl anymore. That man died long before Silas did. In some sense, I was a widow many years before Silas passed away. But, even with his atrocious behavior, he was still my Silas and though sometimes I didn't want to admit it, I still loved him. He was the father of my children, the first man I ever loved. When we were young, I helped Silas get over his lover, Marcia Overstrand. Okay, I'll admit it, I still hate thinking about Marcia. I think Silas was always comparing me to Marcia, even though he wouldn't admit it, and I always felt as though he secretly preferred her over me. As I got older, I began to suspect that Silas had married me to spite her. That's where our trouble began.

Silas used to insist that he loved me. He would always accuse me of loving the children more than I loved him because I had to devote so much time them as they were growing up. Silas was never really much help when it came to the children. He enjoyed being a father, but he left all of the hard parts of parenting to me. That really led me to resent Silas for his laziness and I became fond of telling him what a bum I thought he was. I screamed at him more often than I wanted to because it was a way for me to vent my anger. I just felt so stressed all of them time. I love my children but trying to raise all of them, practically by myself, nearly drove me mad. After a while, I could tell that Silas was losing interest in me. He was somewhat like a spoiled child. He wanted all of my attention all of the time or he wasn't happy. That's probably why his and Marcia's relationship didn't last. They were too alike. Both of them wanted to be the center of attention all of the time or they weren't happy.

I managed to put up with Silas until the night of Septimus's graduation, when he became as drunk as I have ever seen him and started yelling some really humiliating comments at Marcia. I'll spare you by not telling you exactly what he said. It still embarrasses me to think about it. That very night, I left him. I never saw him again. He died two weeks later, one of the first deaths of the war. I didn't even get to cradle his body to my chest and mourn him. Marcia beat me to that. Attention-starved slut. I was his wife, for God's sake! I spent much of the next months mourning him and regretting that our last conversation was an argument. I still regret that to this day, even though I have married again and found happiness. Silas was the father of my children, my childhood love and I will always feel guilty. I could have kept him from being killed if I had just forgiven him and let him come with me into the Forest to stay with Galen. Because I was so angry with him, I never let him apologize. It's not my fault he's dead, but I feel responsible anyway. If I had been mature enough to talk things over with him, he would most likely still be here. Yes, I'll admit it, I miss Silas, but I miss my Silas, the Silas who died the moment he became involved with alcohol and sleazy women. I will always think of that Silas, probably until the day I die as well, but I have Terry now, and his kindness is helping me move past my sorrow. I have to try to put the past behind me.

Snorri's P.O.V.

I should have noticed that Cliff was crazy. All that time I was engaged to him, I never paid close enough attention to his antics. Cliff always seemed like an average, nice guy. I never liked him as much as I loved my Nicko, but I was pretty sure that Nicko would never going to take me back after the way I left him. So I was trying to move on. For a while, I convinced myself that I loved Cliff and that I wanted marry him, but it didn't take me long to recognize that I was holding him up to Nicko in my mind and Cliff fell short. I had broken with Nicko three years earlier because I hadn't felt ready for a serious relationship, but by the time I became Cliff's fiancée, I deeply regretted what I did to Nicko. But by agreeing to marry Cliff, I was trying to prove that I had moved on. I was sure Cliff would be the kind of guy I could tolerate as a husband even if I wasn't in love with him. I was so caught up in my own thoughts during our engagement that I didn't notice some things about Cliff that I really should have noticed, things that most people would have considered very odd indeed.

For instance, Cliff had a habit of staying up late into the night and taking walks around the Castle. Because I was not yet married to Cliff, when I stayed in house, I slept in a different room from him. Cliff would sneak out in the middle of the night when he thought I was asleep. He never told me why he was leaving or that he even left. I couldn't explain why, but I felt afraid to ask him about his night wanderings. I didn't know if wanted to know where he went. I am aware that Cliff had yet to be exposed to darke magyk when he was engaged to me, but I think the darkeness was already there, just under the surface, waiting for the opportune moment to reveal itself. If I had told someone about this odd habit of Cliff's, maybe someone could have sat down with him and asked him why he was doing it. If I had had the courage to talk with Cliff about his night walks and at least ask him where he was going, maybe he wouldn't have decided to join Merrin's darke army.

When Nicko and I reconnected and decided to marry, I forgot almost all of my worries about Cliff. I'm sure you have heard the term, "blinded by love." Well, that was me, I was blinded by my love for Nicko and I completely stopped paying attention to Cliff. That was my own horrible mistake. Not even a month after Nicko and I reestablished our relationship, Cliff joined Merrin Meredith. During the six short months that the war lasted, Cliff and his followers managed to murder nearly half the Castle's inhabitants. I feel like a clueless ditz. I can't believe I pay close enough attention to Cliff to notice that he had the potential to go mad. If I a person has that potential, it's easy to see even if the person seems kind and innocent. Cliff must have shown more signs of mental instability, but I never saw them.

Nicko tries to convince me that I couldn't have done anything, but I can't help but wonder if things would have been different had I warned someone about Cliff's oddness. I live a happy life now for the most part. Whenever I think of Cliff, though, I become very ashamed. I know there is a chance that I could have helped other by warning them about Cliff, but I just wasn't brave enough to say anything. If I had been a stronger person, I might have been able to save hundreds of people from dying. That's something I'll always regret.

Marcia's P.O.V.

The war is over and we were victorious. Of course, I never expected us to lose, but all the same, it feels good to be through with all of that darkeness. Septimus was really the one responsible for putting an end to the war. He was the one who led the Castle through that terrible time. I never doubted that Septimus was capable of defending the Castle, but I know that he didn't have to defend it alone. If I hadn't insisted on going into the Wizard Tower alone to fight Simon, Septimus and I could have worked together to end the war and many more lives could have been saved.

I am not a murderer. I've never killed anyone unless I was defending myself or someone I care about. However, in some sense, I am every bit as responsible for the deaths of those innocent citizens as Merrin, Cliff, and Simon were. When I went into the Tower to fight Simon, I was hoping that I would be able to defeat him quickly. I figured that once he died, his men would retreat. Simon Heap wasn't half the Wizard I am and he never would have been. Sometimes, I still cringe at the thought of that little upstart trying to take my position. He had a lot of nerve, the stupid boy. But I still should never have gone into the Tower alone. My pride made me do that. I wanted to prove that I was a leader, that I could handle anything. I was willing to put my life on the line just to impress others. I paid for my actions. Not only did Septimus have to lead the entire city through an enormous crisis alone, Marcellus had to live with the notion that I was dead. I hate to think of how miserable he must have been.

That bastard Merrin Meredith made me wish I was dead a few times when I was a prisoner. While I was Merrin's captive, I began to realize that I was no longer cut out to lead the Castle. I had become too caught up in my own problems. I really regret that I let my pride control my life for all of my years as ExtraOrdinary Wizard. Instead of showing my feelings, I kept them bottled up. My mother used to tell me that feelings were for those who didn't have any strength. My father beat my mother on many occasions when I was a child, but I never saw her cry, not one tear. I am already much weaker than she was.

Marcellus is always telling me that my mother was wrong, but I think for once, I agree with my mother over Marcellus. What kind of example would I be for my children if I was constantly emotional about things that bothered me? I wouldn't be someone they could admire or look up to. I'm afraid that I wasn't a very good role model for Septimus because I practically abandoned him when he needed me most during the war. I hope I can do better in the future. I will always regret what Septimus had to go through by himself. By going to face Simon alone, I not only caused my loved ones pain, but myself as well. I will always regret my choice. Sometimes, I wonder if I am worthy of the love Septimus and my family give me. I'm not nearly as good a person as they are. But I am rather grateful to them, it was getting rather dull being alone all the time. I will try to never put them into danger again, that's the least I can do to repay them for the happiness they give me.

AN: This may seem rather pointless right now, but I promise once you read my sequel to Guilty Pleasures, it won't seem pointless at all. It's a series of drabbles really, but each one has its own importance to the plot of my story. Anyway, I hope you guys liked this. It's my first attempt at writing a oneshot, so please, be kind.