OK people. Hope you enjoy this one.
Rays shine from the unusual January sun. The walls gleam, the gold foil design catches the light and illuminates the room. On the back of his neck Aaron feels the soft ebb and flow of breaths. He feels all those best feelings ever, of warmth and light and happiness. He feels all those best movements ever, of fingers running patterns across his hip and of kisses planted on his shoulder. He is alight, glowing, safe, and far removed from anything he has ever felt before.
"Robert?"
Outside is silent, the house is silent. Only near indiscernible mutterings.
"This wallpaper is really fucking ugly."
The chuckle behind him reaches his ears.
It's gold, so gold and big and bold just like everything else at Home Farm. It glitters and shines and whilst Aaron's no decorator, even he know that it is not good for the eyes.
"It's really ugly."
"You can blame your cousin for that – Charity. The house came newly decorated."
"That explains a lot."
Home Farm, with its too many bedrooms. And living room and two reception rooms and five bathrooms. He's only ever been here once before, after giving Chrissie and Robert a test drive for that new car she wanted as a gift for Robert. No further than the Kitchen.
"It's a distraction."
Robert chuckles. "You weren't distracted earlier. Was that because you were on all fours, head down?"
He can hear the smug tone in Robert's voice. He wants his elbow to connect hard with Roberts ribs but he can't find the genuine anger – unusual for him. He also wants to go again, in exactly the same way or in any other way Robert decides. And quickly because he doesn't know how long he's got.
It was unexpected to receive the message from Robert. They had only just had their last tryst in the Barn at Whylie's Farm yesterday, Boxing day. Aaron imagined it would be days later, maybe weeks before they met up. Certainly not three days in a row and certainly not in his fiancé's bed, all four posts surrounding them, slippery gold satin sheets covering them.
Was this risky, a bit. Robert had said that Chrissie, Lawrence and Lachlan went to visit a family member and would not return from the long journey until late tonight. Robert could not have possibly gone, there was just too much work to be done. Apparently.
"So should I get going?"
"No, absolutely not. I have all kinds of plans for us today."
Robert talking of plans makes Aaron uneasy. Plans suggests the future and Aaron is always telling himself that he is not looking for a future together. Their relationship is that of the fuck and run or yell and fuck or fight then fuck. But not these last three days. Not since Christmas day, since Robert's shame at inscribing those horrible words in to Andy's and Katie's Rings. Not since Aaron witnessed Robert's laying bare of his jealously towards Andy to his whole family. Aaron had seen something – humility, vulnerability and someone very, very human. How could he not understand, after everything he himself had been through, how could he not give Robert a second chance?
It was different now, just in these last three days. Robert laughs often and sneers less. He holds him –always around the waist and always gently. No one leaves quickly, clothes are not thrown on urgently, and awkward glances had been replaced with long looks.
Aaron loves every minute of it, which is what makes him the most uneasy. An uneasiness that has him thinking of leaving as the best idea he's ever had.
"I can't stay, I should get going." He can feel the disappointment before the other man has the opportunity to cover it up.
"Why?"
"Just… you know."
He's untangled from Robert and standing, pulling on his underwear quickly and looking at Robert and kind of smiling. Because this is casual after all and when a person has to leave then they just have to leave.
"Don't go."
"I gotta…"
"Don't."
"Why?"
"Because…" This is Robert and he is looking serious for a second, almost like he's about to say something he shouldn't. But that's not really like Robert because he only ever says something he shouldn't when it's planned and calculated. When it's to maximum effect.
"Because I was hoping to see you naked."
"What? You've seen me naked."
"No I haven't." Robert grins and he shuffles to the bottom of the bed, duvet covers bunching up around him. "You're always wearing this hideous black t-shirt. I can understand when we fool around outside – but there is no excuse here."
Upon arrival Aaron had been jumped. Assaulted with kisses and dragged up Home Farm's stairs. The sex had been fast and hot. Robert's hands had dared to pull up Aaron's top but he'd been quickly stopped. There had been no comment- no time. Robert had set the pace of a quickie session and now Aaron realised it was to release some tension so that they could take their time later.
"Maybe I just feel the cold easy."
"No way. After the way I fuck you there is no way that you're cold."
Silence follows because Aaron doesn't want this conversation, doesn't want to hide it and twist it or be honest and open. He sees Robert's curious gaze but Aaron doesn't understand because while Robert might never see him without his top on, he certainly knows what is underneath. He has seen the scars – there is no mystery.
"Maybe I just like this t-shirt."
"Right."
It was odd seeing Robert like this. Wondering, caring. They had broached the topic of his scars before. They had been used as an attack when he had taken them both to a gay bar – apparently they made him pathetic.
"Anyway, maybe that's why I have to leave. Maybe I am going shopping in the sales with my Mum. Time I got a new top." Not a complete lie, because Chastity had suggested it and Aaron had only just sneered a little at the idea.
"Well I didn't exactly want you to swap one t-shirt for another." He grabs at Aaron's wrist, pulling him down until Aaron's sat on the bed. "Anyway, who goes shopping with their Mum at the age of Twenty-three?"
"Err, I bet you'd love shopping with your Mum." Aaron regrets this immediately, the words slipping out without thought. It wasn't like him to be so insensitive – this was usually Robert's department.
"I'm sorry –"
"It's fine."
"I didn't think."
"It's OK." Robert's not saying it's OK in the way that Aaron says it, when actually it's far from Ok. When Aaron says that 'I'm OK', he's most definitely not. "And you're right. I would love to go shopping with my Mum –or do anything for that matter."
On Christmas day, in the car, Aaron had told Robert that he sounded like a mad control freak. But that hadn't really be true. Robert had been through so much. His mother dying so horrifically in the barn fire started by Andy. His father dying. Robert being alone without family for the last ten years. Maybe they were too similar in that respect, two individuals moving on past tragedy. Was that why Aaron forgave so easily?
"I really miss her, you know."
"Yeah?"
"I was fourteen when she died."
"Sorry."
"Sometimes I can't remember her voice. That scares me."
Aaron's not sure about this, just like with the scars, he's not sure about all the sharing and caring stuff. It blurs the lines. The switch is too soon, how can just a few weeks previous Robert go from mocking Aaron for his physical scars to revealing his own metaphorical ones. Aaron's never been good at talking, always having an inability to articulate his own hurt, always having it surface in anger and pain. And he's never been any better at helping others with their issues, again always reacting in anger and never doing the right thing- just look at Jackson.
Fingers clasping together and head down is the best response that Aaron can think to give. It at least gives some sense of gravity, some idea that he cares even if he can't find the words. He feels Robert pull his fingers apart, feels Robert's kiss against his temple.
"Still, you have a pretty good relationship with your Mum now, better than it was."
"What do you know about it?"
Robert's right there, face right next to his, breath colliding with Aaron's check, smiling. "Because I remember."
"Remember what?"
"You used to hate her." There is confusion, shared equally. "I remember years ago when you came to visit her. You yelled at Chas in the pub that you hated her. I then saw you not long afterwards, throwing rocks at the wall."
His words are ringing a bell, gradually. He remembers being thirteen and forced to come to the village in order to give his Dad and Stepmum some time with the new baby. That had been the beginning of the end. The baby made them a complete family and Aaron felt no more wanted by his father than he did by Chastity. He'd blamed his Mum of course, his insecurities about his relationship with her spilt over to his Dad. Looking back he can see that it was all in his head. Gordon Livesy loved him, loved him enough to put up with four years of bullshit before finally giving up and kicking him out.
"You were there?"
"I was the one that grabbed you by your collar and dragged you away. You'd told me to fuck off."
Aaron's eyes widen. "I remember. Dad had come to pick me up the next day and saw the bruise on my neck. He thought Mum had hurt me. I let him believe it."
"What a great kid you were."
"That was you?"
"Yep."
It was there, a hazy memory of a blonde haired guy forcing the rock from his palm. Aaron had still been good then, well relative to how he behaved over the next few years. The anger was there though, the contempt for his Mum, his increasing resentment towards his Dad and new wife.
"I can't believe you didn't recognise me, especially with my good looks."
The eye roll is apparent and Robert grins his response. "You still in contact with your Dad?"
"Nope."
"Since when?"
"Since five years ago."
Aaron can almost hear the silent absorption of Robert's comprehension. This is the most they have ever really shared but he knows Robert would have done his homework, would have researched Aaron, probably back before they even started the affair. Probably back when he was first hired to rob Home Farm, Ross as well. Not that the information was difficult to come by, everyone in the village knew Aaron's story, his face had graced the local paper at least twice.
"So does he know that you're gay?"
Aaron merely shrugs.
"Or about Jackson?"
Roberts still so close, their shoulders touching. It's too near. The blurred lines are now smudges, the gold and the glitter in the room smearing the scene. It's that false sense of warmth, the false sense of security, it's making him feel that they are something they are not. Aaron knows he's here to kiss and fuck, not to open his heart to a man whose own belongs to someone else. "Why are you asking me all these questions?"
"I'm just talking."
"Well talk about something else."
"You struggle, don't you? It's hard for you to open up, to be honest."
Aaron scoffs. He can't move from Robert quick enough. "Honest. That's funny coming from you. Look where we are now… in your fiancé's bedroom."
"Hey." Robert's standing, hand clutching the silk sheet around his waist. "Why are you attacking me? We are just having a conversation?"
"No, you are prying, asking me question that you have no business having answers to."
"Why are you so secretive? I don't get it? I know your story already, everyone knows it."
"So then why are you asking me!?"
Heat rises to Aaron's checks. He's flustered and biting out his responses through gritted teeth. How dare Robert, how dare he invite him to this lavish house, with its space and gold and shine and security. How dare he turn their hurried fucks to something more meaningful whilst all along still being with Chrissie.
"I'm just trying to understand Aaron."
"What?"
"Who you are."
"Why?"
"Because…" Robert sits back on the bed, silk wrapped around his shoulders. He's all gold now, sheets, hair. "…you know." And again he has that look, a look like as if he is going to say something serious and meaningful. But Robert doesn't do either.
Aaron shifts, hands searching for the pockets that he has yet to put on. He settles for crossing his arms, shoulders raised. "I should go."
"No, Ok. Look, I'll go back to being a bastard. No more questions."
But the moment has passed. The intimacy unravelled.
"I'm gonna go."
Robert, the master manipulator is just sitting. Lost for words, brows drawn. "Is this you finishing things? Is it over between us, already?"
"No." Because whilst that idea is the best that either of them have had in a long time, it is also the idea that leaves Aaron sickened. "I'm not coming round here again. Let's go back to the barn next time."
"Why, so you have a real reason to keep your top on?"
Aaron's anger boils instantly.
"Fine." Fingers reach for his neck line, he claws at the fabric, pulling the t-shirt up over his head. He's revealed, all of him. The worst parts of himself and everything they represent. "Happy now."
"Yes."
"You're sick."
"Why, Aaron? Because all I want is to touch your chest and kiss your stomach, and I don't want you to feel ashamed, to need to hide."
The jolt goes through Aaron, the surprise fills every part of him. Such a simple answer, so honest. He doesn't like it. Doesn't like this truth between them. "Can we just have sex again and forget this conversation."
"Only if I get to touch your chest." Aaron's eyes catch Roberts, glaring, resentful. "And only if you don't feel ashamed when I kiss your stomach."
Aaron should run, without thought. Leave this house. But he knows he's not going to, especially as Robert is unwrapping that awful gold silk sheet and moving towards him, naked, unashamed.
"And only if we laugh and hold each other." Robert smiles, small, barely.
Hands reach Aaron's hips. Aaron can't help it, he's taken over by the warmth. A kiss lingers on his lips.
"And if you do all this for me then I'll let you have something."
Aaron swallows, because he knows in that second he would do anything for Robert, no compromise required.
"And what's that?"
"I'll let you moan about the wallpaper."