Disclaimer: I do not own it.
Premonitions
They say you can see your life flash before your eyes when you are in death's clutches, but what they fail to realize is that when you're holding the body of your dead best friend, it's his life you see go by. Not only that but all those moments that would have become memories gone before they ever existed.
Last night I woke up in a sweat, confused, frightened by a nightmare that I could not remember. I shook the feeling off and went back to sleep. My room felt unusually cold.
This morning I woke up to a rainy day, puddles on the ground, and a sense of gloominess in the air. I looked far out into the distance from my window, and somewhere it was a sunny day. Somewhere, but not here.
With each bolt of lightning, fear grew inside of me. Fear of what?
With each beat of thunder, my heart beat faster, as if urging me to run to where I was needed. Where was I needed?
I don't know why, but I decided to take a ride in the storm. I only felt the raindrops that fell upon my left arm. The lightning seemed green. Imagination can play tricks on your mind, or should I say premonition is subtle?
I looked up at the gray skies. Lightning struck, and one up the clouds resembled a stag. Or was it a rat or a snake? Rainy days are no time for cloud gazing.
My bike brought me to Godric's Hollow. It was dark out by then. Had I really ridden that far? Apparently so. My trance did not break as I drove through the blackened streets. I came upon a house. One I had seen many times.
At that moment I knew I would never look upon it again.
The right side on the top floor had been blown apart. One word came to mind. One word. Betrayal. I ran as fast as I could to the front door. It was open...
The house was dark. There was no light. I couldn't see where I was going, or what was lying in front of me. The darkness was only a form fear. I didn't need light to see. I knew this house with my eyes closed, but I needed light for a sense of warmth and comfort. I quickened my pace to head for the stairs but I tripped over something. Something large, something that wasn't meant to be lying around.
"Lumos," I whispered afraid of what I would see. I closed my eyes, but moved the wand to the place where I had fallen. Images flashed through my mind and my hand began to shake. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes, but I did. My nightmares came true.
James lay there on the floor, his lifeless eyes staring up at me. A broken vase on the floor cut through his leg, a puddle of blood forming on the floor. He didn't look peaceful. I screamed in agony. I lifted him and held him close, hoping to hear a nonexistent heartbeat. My tears soaked his sweater, my shaking passed through to his body. I don't know how long I sat like that, but it seemed there was nothing left of me.
What seemed an eternity later, I heard a cry come from far away. Was I hearing myself? No, it couldn't be. I laid James down on the floor, and knelt down besides him and closed his eyes. The last time I would see those hazel orbs. I would miss the sound of his laughter the most.
I quickly ran up the stairs. All that time I was hoping that Lily and Harry had gotten away. Hoping that James had not died in vain, but my hopes vanished when I got to the second landing and saw flaming red hair spread across the floor near Harry's bedroom. Lily Potter, my best friend's wife lay sprawled across the floor, in front of Harry's crib. Her green eyes were still filled with confidence and purpose, as they had been in the last moments of her life. I never knew I held so many tears. I moved the hair away from her face and looked at her properly. Her mouth was open, as if she had died screaming, or begging. Trembling, I picked her small body up in my arms and brought her to the sofa and lay her there. I covered her in a blanket and walked away, swearing to myself that I wouldn't look back, but then I heard the same cry once more coming from the corner, where Lily's body was lying minutes ago.
I was frightened to look back, but I did. Emerging from a small pile of rubble was a baby's hand.Harry's hand. I ran over to the corner and carefully started to move away everything that covered him. Seconds later I saw his face. He was crying-screaming. I never knew a baby could have such a voice. I reached out and brought him into my arms, where he relaxed slightly, but the crying did not cease.
"Shhh Harry. Sirius is here. Shh, It's all right." I said, patting him on his back. He had grabbed one of my fingers and refused to let go, refused to be left alone again. I began to hum a lullaby Lily would always sing for him. Harry stopped crying and slowly his eyes began to close. He rested his head into my chest, but never once loosened his grip on my finger.
"Sirius?" someone asked from behind me. I turned around and there Hagrid stood, tears streaming down his eyes, his pink umbrella pointed at me. "Sirius, how did this happen? Lily and James..Who did this to them?" he sobbed at me.
And then the thought struck me. No one knew we had switched secret keepers. They would all think I betrayed the Potters, betrayed my brother and his family. I had lost most of what meant something to me, so I turned my back on Hagrid and whispered, "I-I don't know Hagrid." I held onto Harry tight as I lied through my teeth. I would get to Peter first. I would bloody kill him.
"Sirius, I need to take Harry," he whispered to me.
"Why? He's my godson. Harry is coming with me." I was angry. "He's the last piece of Lily and James that I have left!" Maybe it was my tears. Maybe it was how I was trembling. Maybe it was the way I held onto Harry, but Hagrid stepped back. "Ye lost it all tonight, didn't you Sirius?" he asked me. I shook my head. "I still need Harry Sirius," he told me, wiping his tears away with a blanket that lay on the floor. "Dumbledore's orders."
Why did Dumbledore want Harry? I was his bloody Godfather! But maybe it was safer if Harry went with Hagrid. Dumbledore was never wrong. He was the one who had suggested they use the Fidelus charm, but it was he, Sirius, that had suggested they change Secret Keepers. At this thought, I fell to the ground, with one realization coming to mind.
It was my fault they were dead. I didn't deserve to live, yet alone deserve to raise Harry.
"Take him, " I whispered to Hagrid, a stream of tears rolling down my face, "but take my motorbike. It'll be safer," I said rummaging in my pockets to find the keys. "I won't be needing it anymore." I lifted myself off the floor and looked at Harry one last time. He was asleep, but there was something there that I hadn't seen before, a lightning shaped scar on his forehead. Voldemort had tried to kill Harry and failed. A small boy was his downfall. Thinking about it brought too much pain. I brought Harry close and kissed him on his head and then handed the bundle to Hagrid.
"Goodbye and good luck." I whispered to them and apparated to a dark alleyway where I leaned against a brick wall and cried. I sat there the whole night and cried. Cried for James and losing a brother. Cried for Lily and losing a family. Cried for Harry, the boy who would never know his parents. I fell asleep crying and when I awoke I thought only one thing.
Peter.
A/N: Ok, I did have this up before, but as part of my Always There fic, but I don't think this style fits that story so well, so I just put it up as a one-shot. Tell me what you think.
To all those who read Why Do I Miss You So?, I'm going to try and update that sometime today as well.