Hi there folks. Have had this rattling around in my brain for a wee while, short but I hope sweet. Please leave a review if you have a few moments to spare and as ever enjoy...
He hadn't meant to kiss Jude.
He had thought he had got him back when he saw the ghost of a smile that passed over his face and heard his response when he, in a desperate bid to stop him leaving, had revealed his true feelings. And he had been desperate, because after their ultimately disastrous hook-up at the masquerade, he really didn't know how many more times he'd be able to see Jude walk away from him. But he hadn't counted on Jude's steadfast and, he knew in his heart, perfectly reasonable desire to have a proper relationship, and had had to endure being left alone once again.
But still he hadn't meant to kiss Jude.
Not even when he'd heard what Lucas said in the half-time break and felt all the emotions that had brought up in him. The initial shock and then the bitter sting of jealousy when he'd realised that he was no longer the only person who had known Jude in that intimate, special way. The anger that followed close behind as Lucas talked about Jude and how hot he was and about his beautiful body. His mind screaming 'I know' whilst his body betrayed him, the sick feeling that he hadn't experienced since childhood assailing him as he realised what he might have lost. And then the pure unadulterated rage that had him clenching his fists and struggling so hard to control himself, as Lucas had continued talking and he'd realised not only that Lucas had just used Jude but also that he was now going to throw him away as if he was nothing. And it had taken his breath away that someone, anyone, could have described Jude, his Jude, like that and, even worse, dismissed his feelings so cruelly.
But even so he hadn't meant to kiss Jude.
But he couldn't, wouldn't, have Jude played for a fool if he could help it. So after the game he'd gone to let Jude know that Lucas wasn't coming, to stop him wasting his time waiting for something that wouldn't happen. That was the plan– tell Jude that Lucas wasn't coming, say something about him being called back by the agency if Jude asked why - barely formulated maybe but still a plan of sorts. And the first part of the plan had gone smoothly, better than he could have hoped. But then Jude had asked 'Why not?' And he'd heard the self-doubt in his voice, seen the vulnerability in his face and the questions running through his mind in his eyes 'What did I do wrong this time?'; 'Why am I always left standing on my own?'; 'What's the matter with me?' And his mind had been screaming, 'No, no, no – you're perfect!' And rather than the answer he'd planned to give, the lie he'd fashioned, he gave the reply he wished was the truth. 'Because I told him not to'.
But even then he hadn't meant to kiss Jude.
And then inexplicably and almost despite himself he took one step towards him and then, suddenly, he was kissing Jude.
And he felt the shock that this caused in Jude – the slight hesitation, maybe even resistance, before he responded. The few moments delay as it hit him that he was actually kissing him – and he knew the exact point at which that realisation had occurred, when Jude had begun to kiss him back and placed his hands on his shoulders before moving them up to his face. And a few seconds, or it could have been centuries, later he'd felt Jude smile into the kiss and he knew that he had realised what this meant – that their relationship was out in the open now, for everyone to see. And he was aware that this should terrify him, or that he had thought he would be terrified by it and it was unfathomable but also true that he wasn't. Where he'd expected to feel exposed and vulnerable there was nothing but the euphoria that Jude was happy, that he had at last done something that had made Jude smile.
And it occurred to him, right then, that even though he had never meant to kiss Jude it was, undoubtedly, meant.
xxxx