This is gonna be the best novelization of ocarina of time ever. that's why it's the ocarina of aweseomnees. wootification for the wooting of the woot.
Disclaimer: Zelda is a pooperty of nintendo. I am not nintendo. I am ninbendo.
Hyrule had a great big forest in it. It had lots of trees and plants and stuff. And there was one great big fat talking tree, known as the Great Deku Tree. He hollered for a fiary called Navi.
"HEY NAVI! IT'S TIME TO GUIDE LINK TO SAVE HYRULE! GO FORTH AND WAKE HIM UP WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND WAKINGS!" Screamed the Great DekLu Tree.
"You don't have to yell," Navi pointed out.
"YEAH I DO, MY MOUTH IS THIRTY FEET TALL, WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION MANY TIMES! I ALWAYS WIN AND YOU ALWAYS SAY FAIR ENOUGH AT THE END!" Yelled the Great Dekuj= Tree.
"... fair enough," admitted Navy, them she flew off to link's house.
"LINK WAKE UP!" she screamed directly in his sensitive earhole with the force of a thousand wakings.
Link jumped up in shock.
"You have to go see the Great Deku Tree. And I am to be your fairy now."
Link smiled and nodded happily. Then walked off on his way to see the great deku tree. But when he got that he found that a big jerk named mido was stnading in this way.
"I heard the Great Delu Tree call for you because he's really loud because his mouth is thirty feet, but I'm not letting you go see him. Haha. Ill make you late so he gets mad at you and swallows you whole!" Said jerkass Mido.
"You know since I can flew I can jest go tell on you right?" asked link's brand spanking new Fairy.
"Uh, What I meant is, you need a sword and shield to go see the Great Deku Trog," bsed Mido.
"Why? Does the Great Deku Tree attack his invited guests?" Link asked septically
"Actually, Ink, ti might be a food idea, The Admirable Moko Vine did have a mission for you which might involved slashing and shielding and being generally awesome," splanned Navi.
"Hm... you're right. Without a sword and shield I can only do the third one of those," Link admitted.
Link grinned and wakked off, they walked into a big maze with boulders link had to dodge with his awesome dodging skills, and link solved the maze and got the Kokiri Sward.
Then they went into a store, and determined that the price of a deku shield was 40 rupees, so link left and used his awesome rupee finding skills to find 40 rupees, and bought a deku shield with said rupees. Thus they didst return to the big jerkhead, Mido, Who was a big jerkhead.
"I HAVE A SWORD AND SHIELD NOW LET ME THOUGH!" Yelled Link while screaming and rapidly bashing Mido in the head with his shield.
"FINE!" Screamed Mido, with thirty large lumps swiftly rising out of his head.
And they went to see the Great Deku Radish.
"LINK! AN EVIL JERK WHO HAPPENS TO BE A GERUDO, DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M RACIST AGAINST GERUDOS, SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS HAPPEN TO BE GEURDOS BUT NOT THIS GUY BECAUSE HE CAST A PARASITE SPELL ON ME! I JUST WANT TO BE CLEAR I'M NOY RACIST! NOT LIKING PARASITE SPELLS BEING CAST ON ME DOESN'T MAKE ME RACIST! I JUST DON'T WANT A GOHMA MAGIC PARASITE THING TO EAT MY INDIES AND CONTORL ME! YOU DUNT THING THAT'S RACIST DO YOU?!"
"Well, no not really, but the fact that you're so worried about seeming racist is cause for concern, if you're truly not racist you should probably just relax and not worry about it so much. Also I find it difficult to believe that some of your best friends are gerudos, given that none of us have ever met a single Gerudo, and have only heard of them in stories." Link explained, then threw a grapplin hook and swung into the Great Deku Tree's gargantuan piehole.
"Link, you could have just walked inside, you didn't need a grappling hook." Navi commented.
"Yeah, I know, but using a grappling hook is fun, anyway, we should look around."
Link looked around and saw that the inside of the Big Great Tree was Great Big, which made sense because he was a great big Tree. But what he found odd was that there were torches and bats and treasure chests. Link slashed the bats to death, and then walked up a thing. He got to a chest that had a map of the Great Deku Tree's insides for some reason, and found he had to climb vines from there, except there were spiders so he had to throw some shit at them to murderate them first. He did find a slingshot after easily dispatching a dumb Deku scrub whose only tactic was firing slow moving seeds at him which made that process easier. Then he got to the top of the inside and there was a giant bigass skulltula in the way, and because there was no way up anymore, link relaized he had to jump to the bottom where a web was in the center of the floor. So he took out his sword and leapt onto the spider stabbing it in the eye repeatedly, breaking it's web and knocking it through the web at the bottom, and link and the spider fell through and the spider was squashed with the force of a thousand squashings and link jumped off the spider as they landed and backflipped onto a nearby ledge. The spider being squished took enough of the force of the fall to prevent link from getting hurt, exactly as link planned.
"My superior awesomeness saves the day!" link boasted, but then remembered he was far from done, "Right, Where's this Gohma bitch, bastard or nonbinary individual who happens to be an asshole?"
"Bitch," Navi explained, "The gohma is female and identifies as such, so there's no need to worry about inclusiveness in this case."
"Ah, I see, fantastic, that makes things much simpler," Link said, while blowing bubbles through a toy tobacco pipe that blows bubbles just to horse around.
"Well, what complicates it is that I've never been in here. So we'll just have to explore and find our way," Navi explained. And so they did. The map helped.
After awesoming his way through some stupid traps that were easy and therefore not worth explaining in detail, link found a stupid deku scrub that tried to attack him by shooting slow moving deku seeds at him like an idiot. Link used his shield to deflect the seeds back at the Deku scrub. The deku scrub then explained the correct order to defeat 3 more deku scrubs that he would later encounter. Link defeated them and entered the lair of Gohma. Gohma Climbed down and roared loudly at Link, but Link was in no mood for such bullshit malarckey, so he hucked a Deku Nut directly into Gohma's eye. The nut flash banged broudly and lightly, and Gohma huddled on the ground in agony. Link took this opportunity to slice out Gohma's eyeball. Fearing further injury, Gohma used Tibetan Buddhist yoga biofeedback practices to cause her heartbeat to beat as fast as possible, causing herself to bleed out. Link got a magical heart thingy that made him tougher and was then teleported out by a magical circle that teleported him out.
End of chaper
I feel this is a good start. Now you might be wondering where Gohma learned Tibetan Yoga biofeedback practices. It's quite simple really. In one of her past lives Gohma was a Tibetan Buddhist, and she knew her past lives thanks to Tibetan Buddhist past life remembering practices, which allowed her to remember how to use Tibetan Buddhist Yoga biofeedback Practices. I'm aware that Tibet doesn't exist in Hyrule, but I for one hope that reincarnation is not limited to this dumbboring universe we exist in. How much would that suck?