SLASH BACKSLASH 3.0 CONTEST
Title: Courage to Change
Author: mrsbeas
Pairing: Edward/Carlisle
Rating/Disclaimer/Warnings: M, Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, AU/AH/Slash
Word Count: 9,715
A/N: Thank you to my awesome pre-reader, harrytwifan, and amazing beta, cocoalvin!
Please see all entries at www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/community/Slash_Backslash_3_0/74941/14/0/1/
~O~
"Yes, yes… fuck me, baby… harder, yeah, harder…. Fuck!"
"You like that? You like me fucking your ass?"
"Oh, yeah… just like that… don't stop… don't fucking stop…"
"God, your ass is so tight…"
"Close, I'm close…"
"Me too… fuck!"
"Oh, fuck… yes!"
~O~
Edward woke with a start.
A feeling of uneasiness crept out from his gut, tingling up his spine and settling in his chest. Something didn't seem right. Immediately, he started taking inventory of the situation.
What time is it? Where am I? Who is this guy next to me?
His head was still swimming from the night before when he asked himself the most important question.
Am I sore?
He dug into the corners of his brain, but couldn't remember anything past ordering a round of tequila shots at the club last night. Sitting up in the bed that he quickly recognized was not his own, he felt a dull pain in his backside.
Shit. I am. Not again, Masen.
Looking over to at the clock on the nightstand, the illuminated numbers were blocked by an empty condom wrapper.
Thank fucking Christ. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
He quietly crawled out from under the covers, vertigo hitting him full force once he stood up. It was six in the morning, and Edward couldn't imagine that he had slept very long. Unfortunately, he had no idea what time he actually went to sleep, so he couldn't be sure. He vaguely remembered tequila shots happening around... midnight? One? Something like that. And what the fuck happened to Emmett and Seth last night? They just let him take off with some random guy?
It's not their fault. They shouldn't have to babysit me.
Peering around the room, Edward found his clothes strewn across the floor. Gingerly stepping on the balls of his feet, he gathered them up and entered the attached restroom. He quietly closed the door, so as not to rouse his sleeping companion, turned on the lights and faced the mirror.
I look like shit.
His eyelids were so puffy that his eyes barely looked open, especially when you took into account the streaks of red crisscrossing his green irises. The dark shadows cast under his eyes aged him beyond his twenty-two years. His complexion was ruddy, hair a knotted mess, neck bruised with hickeys.
I just need to get out of here and get some sleep.
As quietly as possible, he pulled on his clothes, but then realized he had no idea where 'here' actually was. Checking the map on his iPhone, he found that he was only about a mile or so from home and decided he could walk there. Stepping out of the bathroom, he made his way to the bedroom door, catching a glimpse of the sleeping man's face as he exited.
Oh, the guy I was dancing with last night. He seemed nice. What was his name? Randy, Ricky, no, Riley! That's right.
Edward was glad that he could at least remember they guy's name. The chilly morning air bit into his skin as he stepped outside and started down the street. Again, he tried to piece together his broken memories of the evening, but to no avail. Maybe the guys could clue him in on what happened.
God, he felt like such an idiot that he had let this happen again.
Next time I have to remember to drink more water. Maybe a glass of water between each drink. That'll help.
When he reached his apartment, Edward felt his exhaustion bone-deep. He trudged into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water, and then walked to his room. Opening the drawer in his nightstand, he pulled out a bottle and poured two Advil PMs into his hand, quickly washing them down.
His last thought before falling asleep was, I'll just have to be more careful in the future.
~O~
Edward found himself at a club the following Friday night. It had been a rough week at work and he was ready to let loose. As an executive assistant for a hedge fund manager, he had been reamed by his boss for something that wasn't his fault. But it didn't matter whose fault it was, he just happened to be the closest person available to take the abuse. So when his roommates, Seth and Emmett, called to say that they were going out to a club, Edward jumped at the chance to join them. He needed this release from work, from life, from everything.
The lights in the club were flashing, the bass was thumping, Edward was two drinks in, and he finally felt good. Sexy men were gyrating around him on the dance floor, all hoping to be the guy he decided to go home with that night. Little did they know, he had decided to take a break from drunken hook-ups this evening.
Sorry to disappoint, boys. Maybe next time.
He motioned to Seth that he was heading to the bar to get another drink. As he ordered a Jack and Coke, Edward could feel a set of eyes raking over him. He turned and noticed a very good-looking guy checking him out.
Well, maybe I'll take that break next weekend, instead.
He looked coyly in the guy's direction before stepping away from the bar. Maybe he would see him later on the dance floor. Edward was about to walk away when he overheard the guy ask his friend, "Who's that hot guy with the reddish hair? Do you know him?"
Edward smiled, reveling in the compliment.
"Who, the guy that was standing next to you a second ago?" The guy nodded. Edward was dying to know what he was going to say. "Dude, I wouldn't go near that guy. He's a total sloppy club bottom."
"Aw, that's too bad." The two of them then walked away from the bar, laughing, oblivious that Edward had overheard the conversation.
Angry tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. Edward couldn't believe anyone would talk about him that way. They didn't fucking know him.
Who the fuck did that guy think he was?
Edward swallowed his drink in several large gulps before storming back over to the bar, slamming his empty glass on the table. He was reeling inside.
"Finished already?" The bartender asked, playfully.
Edward curtly ordered three shots of tequila, as well as a Long Island Iced Tea. That should definitely send him on his way to completely fucked up. The bartender raised his eyebrows, but didn't comment on the order. "I'm buying a round for my friends," he lied. He didn't want to be judged by anyone else, let alone a fucking bartender.
The man rang up his order and Edward left with his drinks in tow. He set the drinks down at the nearest table out of the bartender's sight and downed the shots quickly, then returned to the dance floor after sucking down half of his Long Island, to find Seth and Emmett dancing within a few feet of each other.
"Edward!" Seth squealed when he approached. "Come dance with us!" The alcohol was slowly making its way into his bloodstream, and Edward was desperate for it to start calming him down.
"I'll be right back," he told Seth. "I'm going to run to the restroom first." Seth pouted, as he hadn't really seen much of Edward, but kept dancing with the sexy man in front of him. Edward quickly made his way to the restroom, taking deep breaths to hold back the tears threatening to fall. He stopped to rinse off his face, feeling himself on the verge of falling to pieces.
A voice rang out behind him as he stood at the sink. "Hey man. You okay?" He turned and saw a man standing behind him. He was tall, with long blonde hair pulled into a ponytail. Shirtless under his leather jacket, the man looked dangerous.
"Fine," Edward answered, pursing his lips into a thin line.
The man spoke again. "You sure? I've got something that might help you chill out a little."
Edward looked up, intrigued. "What's that?" he asked.
The man looked around before pulling a small brown pill bottle from his jacket. He shook it between his fingers. "You ever taken Valium before?" Edward shook his head no. "It helps you relax. Take one of these with your drink and you'll be feeling good in no time."
It sounded perfect. He was starting to feel the drinks that he had just finished, but figured this would help expedite things a little. "Are they yours?" he asked.
"Nah," the guy responded, with a slightly sinister grin. "They're my mom's. She doesn't really use them. I'll give you five for twenty bucks."
Edward quickly handed over the cash and popped one. "Give it ten minutes and you'll be set. Pleasure doing business." Giving Edward a lecherous smile, the man stepped out of the bathroom, leaving Edward alone.
A few minutes later, he had finished his drink and still wasn't feeling anything, so he popped another pill, swallowing it with water from the sink before walking out to the dance floor. He found Seth and moved behind him, wrapping his arms around the smaller man.
"Hey!" Seth yelled. "What took you so long?" Edward didn't respond, he just shook his head. It was too loud to hold a conversation anyway. They started to dance and Edward felt his body becoming loose. The pills were finally working, relaxing him, and making him feel numb.
That's all he wanted right now; to feel fucking numb and somehow forget about those assholes. It wasn't long before Emmett came up to them and requested a trip to the bar.
He made sure that they didn't go back to the same bartender he saw earlier and ordered a round of tequila shots to go with their drinks.
"Somebody's ready to party!" Seth yelled, holding up his shot glass.
"To us," Edward said, swallowing the liquid, burning as it slid down his throat. As they walked back out to the dance floor, he reached into his pocket and pulled out another pill.
Fuck it.
He swallowed it down.
~O~
Edward knew it was going to be bad this time. Really bad. The last thing he remembered was walking out to the dance floor with Seth and Emmett after doing shots. Soft sniffles came from the side of his bed and he didn't want to open his eyes and face whatever it was that he did.
He cracked his eyes open and was surprised to find that he wasn't at home. Usually he ended up at home, even if didn't remember how he got there.
This looked like a hospital.
He heard a soothing voice addressing his mother from across the room. "He's going to be fine, Mrs. Masen. Edward just needs to get some rest, let his body get rid of all the toxins."
"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," she replied, her voice breaking halfway through.
Shit.
Edward took a deep breath. His mother rushed to his side, grasping his hand. "Edward?" she asked, timidly.
"What… what happened?"
The other voice broke in. "Hello, Edward, my name is Dr. Cullen." Edward turned to look at him, and was shocked at how beautiful the doctor was. He looked almost angelic, with pale skin, pale blond hair and striking blue eyes. Edward could only imagine how disgusting he looked, especially next to this man. The doctor continued, "I treated you when you were brought in last night. We found a significant amount of alcohol in your system, along with about fifty milligrams of Valium.
Edward closed his eyes again. He fucking overdosed.
"I…" Edward stopped and took a deep breath. "I've never taken Valium before. I only remember taking three."
Dr. Cullen moved closer, to the side of Edward's bed, clipboard in hand. "How many did you have available?"
"I bought five from some guy at the club. It was stupid." He turned to look at his mom, whose eyelids were swollen and heavy with sadness. "I'm sorry, Mom." She squeezed his hand, but couldn't bring herself to respond. It looked like she was hanging on by a thread as it was.
Dr. Cullen began to speak again. "The pills you had must have been the highest dosage available. According to your friends, you were drinking very heavily, even more so toward the end of the night. Your speech was slurred, and they became concerned when you left them to use the restroom and didn't return immediately. They found you passed out in a corner, unresponsive." Edward cringed at the description. "They called an ambulance, and when you came in, you were incoherent. We pumped your stomach and treated you with activated charcoal to help reduce the amount of the drug absorbed into your bloodstream. You are currently being treated with intravenous fluids to help with dehydration." The doctor's voice was clinical. He turned to Mrs. Masen. "May I have a moment alone with your son?" She nodded, standing up and walking out the door.
"Edward, I'm sure this is difficult for you to process, but you could have died last night." Edward felt overwhelmed with shame and guilt. They had lost his father when Edward was young and he couldn't believe that his actions almost left his mom completely alone. The doctor pulled a card from his pocket and pressed it into Edward's hand, his voice turning from clinical to soothing. "This is my contact information. I can help you find an appropriate rehab facility."
Rehab? I'm not a drug addict. I just let things get out of hand last night. Really out of hand.
Edward promised himself that he would never do pills like that again. He decided to keep his thoughts to himself, because he was ready to just get home. "Thank you doctor," he said, fingering the corners of the card.
"I'm going to speak with your mother about some forms that need to be signed." Edward looked up at the doctor as he walked out the door. When the door closed behind him, Edward let his eyes fall shut. He just wanted to get out of there.
His mother drove him home and when they came through the door, Seth was waiting. He ran up to Edward and threw his arms around him. Edward was still weak, so he stumbled onto the couch, pulling Seth with him. His mother walked into the kitchen, checking cupboards for food.
"Don't ever fucking do that to me again, Edward. I've never been so scared in my life."
"I know, Seth. I fucked up."
"Fucked up?" Seth was practically shaking with anger. "Emmett and I fucking found you in the bathroom, and you wouldn't wake up. You wouldn't fucking wake up, no matter what we tried." Seth's eyes started filling with tears. "We could barely pick you up and carry you out of there. You were like a wet noodle, just completely lifeless." He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, smearing the tears across his cheek. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, Edward."
Edward felt heartbroken that he had caused his friend so much pain. "I promise, Seth, I'll never do that again. Ever." Edward assumed that Seth had been filled in on the circumstances of his admittance. "It was stupid to drink and take all of those pills." Seth looked at him warily, but nodded his head once and pulled Edward into a bone-crushing hug.
His mother continued to fuss about the apartment, picking up messes and fluffing pillows to distract herself. She urged him upstairs to shower and get back to bed. Edward was still so tired; he felt like could sleep forever. As he took off his clothes, he checked the pockets of his jeans and found the doctor's card. The trashcan was too far away, so he tossed it into his desk drawer before crawling under the covers.
~O~
Edward didn't drink for the next month after he got out of the hospital. It wasn't that difficult, as he generally didn't drink during the week. He just tended to get epically blasted on the weekends.
That was all.
The first night he decided to drink again, he met up with a group of friends at the local bar. He had a couple of drinks, and then called it a night.
See? I can totally do this.
The next weekend, he went out again, to a club. As the alcohol made its way through his body, he realized how much he'd missed this feeling. The feeling of euphoria that came with getting drunk and dancing, not caring about anything else. It just felt so good.
Yeah, Edward had missed this.
He had been doing so well lately that he decided to stop keeping track of drinks so vigilantly and let loose. Grabbing a cocktail at the bar, he sucked it down quickly before heading back out to the dance floor.
The next morning Edward woke up at home. His memory of the previous night was fuzzy, but he remembered getting into the cab with Seth. He didn't remember actually getting home, though.
Edward felt a bit of soreness on his elbow, and more on his ankle. Investigating further, he found a couple of unexplained bruises.
Huh. I don't remember hitting anything that hard to bruise.
He concluded that they weren't that bad and overall considered his first night back out on the club scene a success.
~O~
Edward fell right back into his old pattern of partying. His nights ended with fuzzy memories more often than not, and occasionally, no memories at all. There were drunken hook-ups, drunken sex and drunken arguments, resolved quickly the next morning with an apology, blaming the alcohol.
After another rough day at work he came home to find that Seth and Emmett had invited some friends over to their place. He changed clothes before joining his friends downstairs and pouring himself a very large glass of cheap chardonnay. Shortly after he finished his glass and got a refill, they began to play some drinking games.
Edward wasn't doing very well in the games, and found himself extremely drunk in a few short hours. He had already passed through the first few stages of his personal scale of drunkenness and currently found himself at level four. Level four was the "I love you" stage, where he could usually be found hugging his friends and telling them how wonderful they were. This was when things started to get extremely fuzzy and he usually wouldn't remember the end of the night. He considered cutting himself off, but was in the midst of a beer chugging challenge with Emmett, to see who could polish off three beers the fastest. Seth acted a little concerned at their actions at first, but he was drunk, too, so he didn't push it.
Never mind that Emmett was almost twice his size.
Edward lost, but by the time the race was finished, Edward had reached level five.
Level five was when things got precarious. When Edward reached level five, he started to get weepy, and started feeling sorry for himself. He considered the night he overdosed to be a level five night, although it was tough to categorize with the addition of the pills.
Level six was worse. He had only reached level six once, in high school, when he got violent. He was drunk and had accidentally knocked into some jock. When he refused to apologize, the jock started swinging. Edward swung back, but ended up with a broken nose. It probably would've been worse if Emmett weren't around.
Edward went into the kitchen to grab another beer, and when he walked into the living room, Seth called out his name. "Don't you think you've had enough? You're going to have a nasty hangover tomorrow."
"Fuck you, Seth," he slurred, tripping and knocking over a side table. He laughed as he righted the furniture, before his balance failed him again and he tumbled onto the floor, spilling his drink.
That was the last thing he remembered.
Edward woke up feeling like hell, quickly bolting to the bathroom as his stomach rolled. The clock blinked five am when he caught a glimpse of it, and Edward rubbed his hands against his face, trying to will away the sick feeling in his body.
Seth was right. I've got a nasty hangover.
The thought surprised him, mostly because he remembered feeling angry when Seth told him that. He reached over to his nightstand and grabbed a couple of aspirin, which he took dry. Lately, it didn't even seem that aspirin was helping his headaches anymore. He was surprised, however, to find his phone on his nightstand. Usually when he blacked out, he would find it in a pants pocket, or across the room. He didn't normally have the presence of mind to plug it in.
As soon as he picked it up, he understood why. There was a post-it on top of the phone that read, "Watch me."
His guts churned again, and the sick feeling in his stomach began to radiate though his entire body.
Is this some kind of joke?
But he knew that it wasn't and his still drunk mind gave him the courage to pick up the phone and find out what was on it. The phone immediately opened to a video.
Oh, God.
Edward's shaky finger hovered over the play button briefly before tapping it with a quick stroke.
The video was blurry at first, and he heard jumbled voices yelling. The picture then steadied and he saw himself. Edward was completely out of control.
Lobbing insults at his friends. Throwing punches. Screaming.
Trying to fucking bite them.
Finally, Emmett was able to hold him still until he was too tired to keep fighting. At that point, Emmett squatted down to the floor, pulling Edward with him as he erupted into sobs.
The video stopped. And when it was over, he felt completely disgusted with himself. Silent tears streamed down his face as Edward lay back down onto his pillow. He closed his eyes and, for the first time ever, asked God for help.
~O~
Edward woke again a few hours later, still clinging to the phone that had evidence of a side of him that he had never seen, only heard second-hand tales about.
He wanted to hide in his room forever, hide from his behavior and how he had hurt his best friends, but that wasn't an option. With his hand still shaky, he texted Seth, asking him to come to his bedroom.
"So, you watched the video?" he asked quietly, handing Edward a Sprite. It would settle his stomach better than water.
"Seth, I— Shit, I don't know what to say."
"We're all really worried about you, Edward."
"I'm worried about me, too. I have no idea…" he paused and took a shaky breath, "how this happened." His eyes became glossy with unshed tears, and Seth moved to the bed, enveloping him in a hug as he broke down in gasping sobs.
"Shhh," he soothed. "We're all here for you, Edward."
Eventually, Edward calmed down and asked Seth to give him a moment alone before he walked into the living room and was confronted with the embarrassment of seeing Emmett. He showered, got dressed and walked to his desk, pulling out the card he had discarded there months ago.
Dr. Carlisle Cullen
He stuck the card in his pocket before leaving his bedroom. Emmett was sitting on the couch and Edward kept his eyes trained on the carpet as he approached.
"Hey, Em, I saw the video." He could feel Emmett's gaze on him. Edward was barely keeping it together, and was ready to collapse into tears again.
"Yeah, you got me pretty good, man." Edward's eyes darted up, wide.
"What do you mean?" Emmett held out his forearm and Edward took in a huge bruise, in the shape of a bite mark. His mouth fell open in horror. "I— I—" His hand shot over his mouth, unable to even say the words out loud. His chest constricted with the guilt, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. Edward's eyes welled with a fresh round of tears as Emmett stood up, engulfing him in his arms.
"I'm so sorry, Em, I'm so fucking sorry, I don't—"
"I know you are, Ed, but please tell me that you're going to do something about this." Edward nodded his head frantically into Emmett's shoulder. "Okay, good. Seth and I will do whatever we can to help. Why don't you just chill out today, and we'll figure out the next step online?"
Edward's hand reached to his pocket, feeling the edges of the business card tucked away in there. "Actually, Emmett, I've got someone I can call. I think he can help."
~O~
Edward was nervous, sitting in his car just outside the coffee shop. He was supposed to meet Dr. Cullen five minutes ago and had watched him walk in to the shop and sit at a table in the corner. Mustering his last ounce of courage, Edward opened the car door and made his way inside.
"Edward," Carlisle said, rising and extending his hand when he saw the boy walk in.
"Hi Dr. Cullen," Edward responded, reaching out for the handshake. As soon as they touched, Edward felt something inside of him calm. He remembered from the hospital that there was something soothing about his presence and was glad the doctor had agreed to meet with him on such short notice.
Carlisle placed a hand on the small of the Edward's back, leading him to the counter. He ordered himself a cup of black coffee, while Edward ordered a sugary concoction topped with whipped cream. Carlisle raised an eyebrow at his choice, but said nothing. Once they sat down, Carlisle began speaking.
"You don't have to share what brought you here tonight." Edward looked at him surprised. He expected that he'd have to spill his guts, and was relieved that he wouldn't have to tell this man everything he was so ashamed of. "But, I'd like to tell you my story." Edward nodded, taking a sip of his coffee, and listened.
Carlisle's addiction manifested itself in college. His senior year, beginning to feel overwhelmed with his courses, he started taking Adderall as a study aid, faking the symptoms of ADD to receive a prescription. He knew a few other people who had done it and told him exactly how to act, and much to his surprise, it worked.
The results were immediate. He was focused, and could stay up all night finishing his schoolwork. It was perfect. Then, one night after midterms had passed, someone suggested that they crush it up and snort it. Carlisle thought that sounded a little ridiculous, but tried it anyway. He had never experienced anything like the high he felt that night. It was amazing, and he was hooked. By the end of the school year, Carlisle had graduated to cocaine. His grades slipped, but stayed good enough to keep his medical school acceptance valid.
Carlisle had always been a bit obsessive compulsive and this was no different. Doing cocaine gave him a taste of carelessness, of recklessness that he had never indulged himself in the past. He loved it so much that he spent a large chunk of the money he had saved for medical school on it that summer. Then he deferred entry to school so he could keep partying. Other drugs snuck into his repertoire, but coke was always his favorite. He supposed it may have been a way to mask the issues he had with coming to terms with his sexuality—he had grown up in a very religious family and they still had a difficult time accepting him as gay—but ultimately, the decision to use had been his own and he was responsible for the choices he made, even while high.
He lost a year of his life to being a young addict, but Carlisle was one of the lucky ones who got help. He had seen plenty of people who weren't so lucky, ending up in the hospital, like Edward, or worse... ending up like Garrett. It still broke his heart to think about him. Garrett was a good friend, a fellow student that Carlisle got high with regularly. One day, following a drug binge—the exact timeline was still fuzzy in Carlisle's mind—Garrett overdosed and died while they waited for an ambulance to show up.
"I felt so helpless, knowing that it didn't have to happen. We thought we were invincible, but I learned a very difficult lesson that night. When the ambulance showed up, I was still high and remember feeling like everything was moving in slow motion, like it wasn't real. I prayed that was the case when I woke up after finally getting some sleep, but wasn't so lucky. And every day, I have to live with the fact that I played a part in my friend's death. I never wanted to feel that useless again. That's how I ended up in the program."
Edward agreed to attend an outpatient rehab facility for the next thirty days. He went home and told Seth and Emmett about his decision. It didn't escape his notice that all of the alcohol in their place had been cleared out.
~O~
A month later, Edward was tasked with attending thirty Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in thirty days. Carlisle insisted on going with Edward to his first meeting outside of rehab, one focused for LGBT addicts, even though he generally preferred to attend Cocaine Anonymous meetings, to give him his thirty day sobriety chip. It didn't seem like much of an accomplishment in Edward's head, just thirty days without a drink, but it felt like he had moved a mountain.
Almost every day he felt the urge to drink down into his bones, pulling at his skin, and every day he made the choice not to. Each morning he woke up without a headache, without feeling embarrassed about something he may have said, his memory fully in tact, it kept him going.
That and Carlisle's encouragement.
He knew he had grown dependent on the older man's comfort and wasn't sure that it was completely healthy, but he didn't care. Carlisle made him feel safe. So when they drove back from that first AA meeting, he asked Carlisle to be his sponsor.
Carlisle said no.
Edward was crushed. At least when his feelings were hurt while he was drinking the alcohol would mask his pain for a while, but now he felt everything, and sometimes feeling things fucking sucked. Carlisle explained that he cared about Edward very much, and he was sure that Edward would find a wonderful sponsor, possibly younger, who could probably be more helpful with the issues he was currently facing.
Edward still spent time with Seth and Emmett, who were very supportive of his sobriety. They stopped inviting people to their place after hours, and even attended a few meetings with him as a show of support, wanting to do whatever they could to help, but Edward would never expect them to quit partying just because he did.
It was tough though, sometimes when they would come home, acting silly drunk or smelling strongly of marijuana smoke. A niggling voice at the back of his mind would creep forward, anxious to prey on his weakness.
You could just have one.
Come on, it would feel so good.
Edward would start to get anxious, his skin feeling too tight for his body, his heart pounding, and it seemed like an impossible task to resist. That's when Edward would call Carlisle to talk him down. Carlisle would remind him why he was doing this, would talk to him for hours if he needed it.
Edward understood that the feelings he was developing toward Carlisle had surpassed friendship, moving toward attraction. Anyone could see that the doctor was gorgeous, but beyond that, Edward knew that he was a kind and caring man.
He also knew that he shouldn't be thinking about Carlisle late at night, in bed, when he stroked himself to orgasm, but he did it anyway.
Carlisle suggested that Edward start attending Young People's meetings a few times a week, in addition to his LGBT meetings. It was at one of these meetings that he met Jasper, and his girlfriend Alice, at a speaker meeting where Jasper shared his own experience with alcoholism and recovery. Edward was shocked to hear so much of himself in Jasper's story. They went to grab coffee after the meeting and Edward was surprised to find that they were both very cool and easy to talk to.
In fact, most of the people he met through the program were cool.
They were a lot like Edward. They drank coffee and smoked cigarettes. They talked and laughed, but also had truly interesting conversations. Not the silly, drunk talk he was used to, but something real, where they shared a piece of themselves and Edward, in turn, did the same. The details of their experiences with drugs or alcohol were different, but the circumstances they all found themselves in were eerily similar.
When they finished their coffee, he asked Jasper to be his sponsor. Jasper said yes, and started guiding him through the steps, meeting weekly at a coffee shop just down the street from the hospital. It was hard work, with a huge amount of introspection that had Edward asking himself many questions about what had brought him to this point. Sometimes he would leave their meetings frustrated, sometimes angry, sometimes relieved, but he always felt something.
After his meetings with Jasper, Edward would occasionally drop a cup of coffee off for Carlisle if he knew he was working. It seemed that Carlisle was an expert at reading his moods and knew instinctively what kind of comfort Edward needed, whether it was a hug or a willing ear to vent to. And each time he left, when the doctor would thank him and turn away, Edward would feel tightness in his chest, and he would want to follow Carlisle, throw his arms around his neck and make him feel something for Edward. But Carlisle was gorgeous, mature and had his shit together. Edward was sure that he wasn't good enough for Carlisle, and forced himself to settle for his friendship.
Jasper and Edward spent a lot of time discussing his self-esteem issues. He was embarrassed to admit that, even though he'd known he was gay for as long as he could remember, he'd never slept with a guy sober. All of his firsts were drunk and sloppy.
Jasper told him that he deserved better than that, but Edward wasn't confident enough in himself yet to agree. Besides, he was content admiring Carlisle from a distance, for the time being.
"Listen to me, Edward," Jasper told him one night. "Your job for the next year is to be sober, okay? You need to learn who you are, aside from partying, and that takes time."
Jasper agreed that it might be best for him to hold off on any relationships for now.
~O~
Edward reached a new milestone after another six months had passed, walking into the meeting where he would receive his one year sobriety chip. His mother was there, looking proud, as were Seth and Emmett, but he didn't see Carlisle anywhere.
Edward's attraction to Carlisle had continued to grow the more time they spent together, but he didn't know what to do about it. He was scared of losing Carlisle as a friend, but more scared that Carlisle would find someone else, someone less broken to be with. It was bound to happen since anyone could see that Carlisle was a catch.
He probably got stuck at the hospital.
Edward tried to hide his disappointment as Jasper handed him the chip, evidence of his latest accomplishment, but a ruckus by the door made him, along with half of the room, look up.
It was Carlisle, flushed and flustered in a way that Edward had never seen. He was even still wearing his hospital scrubs, and when he saw Edward at the front of the room, his face lit up with his proud smile.
He looks like an angel.
Edward shook his head, smiling as Jasper congratulated him, and then walked to the back of the room, throwing his arms around Carlisle's neck. "Thank you for coming. I couldn't have done it without you."
Carlisle held him tightly around his waist. "Of course you could have, Edward, but I'm so glad that I was given the opportunity to help you through all of this. You are truly an inspiration." Edward blushed, shifting his eyes away from Carlisle's intense stare.
Releasing each other, they took seats at the back of the room, sitting together closely until the meeting was over. After, Jasper and Alice came up to them and greeted Carlisle. "Are you coming to our show tonight?" Jasper asked. His band was playing at a venue not too far away, and Edward had invited Seth, Emmett and Carlisle to join him, although Carlisle had never confirmed.
Carlisle tried to wave them off. "Oh, I don't know. You kids should go have fun. You don't want an old man like me there to ruin your game." His eyes quickly darted to Edward.
"You have to come," Edward pleaded, grabbing onto Carlisle's hand. "Please," he said, more softly, "I need you there." Edward still didn't really like going to places where alcohol was a central source of entertainment. He wanted Carlisle, who was always a source of comfort, to be with him.
"Okay," he caved, "but I'll have to run home and change first. I'll meet you there."
Satisfied that he would come, the group walked out to their cars and drove to the venue. Once they were seated inside and Jasper was preparing for his show, Edward found himself glancing toward the door every few minutes, waiting for Carlisle to show up.
Alice rested her hand on Edward's thigh. "Don't worry," she said. "He'll be here soon." Edward's cheeks turned pink under her knowing stare. "He feels it too, you know?"
"What are you talking about, Alice?" he asked, his heart rate speeding up.
"You'll see," she said, turning her attention back toward the rest of their friends.
Edward's palms started to sweat. Was he really that transparent? Did everyone know that he lusted after Carlisle? Did they feel sorry for him, or worse, make fun of him for following Carlisle around like a little puppy dog?
Edward felt his chest constrict and couldn't breathe. He needed to get out of there right away. He hopped out of his chair, quickly making his way to the door and was almost through it when he heard his name called out.
"Edward? Where are you going?" Carlisle asked, reaching out to him and resting his hand on his shoulder.
Edward immediately felt himself calm. "I… I was just going to get some air."
"I think Jasper's about to go on. Why don't we find seats instead?" Edward nodded in agreement and allowed himself to be led back to their table. Carlisle pulled a chair next to Edward and sat down, while the waitress showed up with sodas for everyone.
A few moments later, the lights dimmed and Jasper strolled onstage. Alice watched him dreamily as they began their set. "Edward," she tugged at his hand, "come dance with me!"
She pulled him out of his chair and led him to the dance floor, where they began dancing. Edward was happy to find that he could still get lost in the music, enjoy this without being drunk.
They danced through several songs, feeling light and happy, before taking a break. When Edward sat back down next to Carlisle he felt a shiver run down his spine. At first, he was sure that it was just a gust of cold air coming through the door, but then his skin started to tingle, like tiny zaps of electricity were dancing along his skin. He turned to try to locate the source of this feeling, but was only met by Carlisle's gaze.
He had no idea that Carlisle hadn't been able to keep his eyes off Edward since he walked in the door—or for last year, for that matter.
Finally, Jasper announced to the crowd that they were just about out of time, but he had one last song to play, dedicated to his friend, Edward. Edward turned back toward Carlisle, grasped his hand giddily and told him, "You have to dance with me!" Carlisle nodded, and as they walked out onto the dance floor, Jasper began to sing.
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good
Edward swayed back and forth to the bluesy beat, standing in front of Carlisle. They were separated by mere inches and Edward was desperate to finally feel him. Something about the dark room and sensual feel of the music made Edward bold as they drifted closer and closer together. Finally, Edward leaned his upper body back and found Carlisle close enough to rest his back on against Carlisle's chest.
It felt so good.
Carlisle reached his arms around Edward's waist, pulling him even closer. His hands were strong and sure as he dragged them up Edward's thighs and across his stomach, pressing him flush against his body.
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Edward's head lolled back onto Carlisle's shoulder. He let his hands rest on top of Carlisle's as they continued to explore the planes of his body while they moved languidly on the crowded dance floor. They felt as if they were the only people in the room.
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me, for me
Edward pushed his hips back into Carlisle's, letting out a moan when he felt his arousal pressed against him.
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life
For me
He lifted his right arm and let it wrap around the back of Carlisle's neck, holding him close. Carlisle let his cheek rest against the soft skin of Edward's neck, slightly damp with sweat. He ran his nose along the shoulder of Edward's loose fitting v-neck t-shirt, and pressed a light kiss to the exposed skin.
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good
"Thanks everyone!" Jasper yelled, bringing Carlisle and Edward out of their trance. Edward turned his head to look at Carlisle, opening his mouth to ask what this meant, if anything, but was stopped by the hungry look in his eyes.
"Let's go," Carlisle growled, grasping Edward's hand and pulling him out of the crowd. They didn't stop by the table to tell anyone they were leaving, simply walking out of the club, into the cool night air. Carlisle led Edward to his car, only releasing his hand long enough for him to climb in, and then quickly catching it again, over the armrest. As they drove, he ran his nails up and down the sensitive skin inside Edward's forearm, from his wrist to his elbow.
They reached Carlisle's home and Edward stiffened in the car seat. He knew that he would have to tell Carlisle about his lack of experience, and was dreading it.
"What's wrong?" Carlisle asked, reaching his hand up and brushing his fingertips along Edward's cheekbone. "I'm sorry, did you not want—"
"No!" Edward exclaimed. He took a deep breath. "No, Carlisle, it's not that. I just have to tell you something first." Carlisle nodded. "God, this sounds so stupid." He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling at the ends in frustration. "I've never done this sober. I've never even had a boyfriend." He felt pathetic in front of the more experienced man.
Carlisle's eyes turned soft and he cupped Edward's cheek in his palm. "All I want is you, Edward, exactly as you are. I've wanted you since the day we met." Edward's eyes opened wide with surprise and Carlisle lifted the back of Edward's hand to his mouth, pressing it to his lips. "Please, come inside with me and we can talk."
Edward was nervous as they walked into the house. The spark of lust that overcame them at the club had been tempered by Edward's confession, and Carlisle put on some water to boil for tea. He showed Edward around, before leading him into the living room to have a seat on the sofa. Carlisle prepared their tea in the kitchen, and then set the cups on the coffee table, allowing their tea to steep. Carlisle sat, wrapping his arm around Edward's shoulder, while he burrowed into his side.
Edward felt his nerves calming as they sat talking, while Carlisle absently ran his fingers through Edward's hair. Carlisle admitted that he had always been attracted to Edward, and his feelings had continued to grow over the last year. However, he hadn't pursued anything because he knew that Jasper would have advised him to hold off on any new relationships for the first year, so he could focus on himself. At first, Edward felt angry that he had been cockblocked by the AA program, but as they continued to talk, he knew that it was probably for the best that they waited. Edward had truly grown in the last year, and knew that he could be a better partner now than when he first got sober.
Edward leaned out of Carlisle's warmth to set his mug on the table, before turning to look at him. His eyes flickered from Carlisle's bright blue eyes to his plush, red mouth and back again. They each leaned forward slowly, cautiously, until their lips met.
It was soft and sweet and delicate and absolutely perfect. Nothing like the sloppy drunk kissing he was used to.
Edward breathed out a contented sigh, bringing his hand up to Carlisle's cheek and pressing their lips together, again and again. It felt so right for them to be together like this.
Carlisle wrapped his other arm around Edward's waist, pulling him closer as Edward scrambled into his lap. Their lips parted, tongues tangling, reaching in and tasting every crevice, rising in intensity until they finally had to break apart to breathe.
Carlisle carefully laid Edward down on the couch, settling himself between his thighs. He ran his fingertips along Edward's chest and stomach, lightly touching the sliver of skin exposed between his t-shirt and jeans. Edward wrapped his arms around Carlisle's neck, pulling him closely into a deep kiss
Carlisle dragged his lips from Edward's mouth, leaving a wet trail of kisses along his jaw, tasting the salt left on him from the sweat that had dried on his body at the club. Edward threw his head back, and Carlisle began to suck at the pale skin of his neck, using just enough pressure to turn the skin pink. He shifted farther down Edward's body, thumbing at one nipple under his shirt and mouthing at the other over it. Edward's hips began to move unconsciously, his arousal brushing against Carlisle's stomach.
Edward couldn't believe how much he was feeling, how good it was. His skin buzzed with the excitement of what was happening between them. Every other intimate experience had been dulled by alcohol, every kiss and every touch, but not anymore. Now he felt everything, and it felt amazing.
He spoke Carlisle's name, lifting his head up to meet his beautiful blue eyes, brimming with emotion. "Show me your bedroom?" he asked, eyes wide and innocent, worrying his lip as he waited for a response.
Carlisle stretched up Edward's body, placing a chaste kiss on his mouth. "Are you sure?" he asked, searching his eyes for uncertainty. Edward nodded his head. "Okay." He stood up, grasping Edward's hand and helping him off the couch. He led them to a room down the hallway, pulling Edward into him as they stepped past the door.
They undressed each other slowly, with delicate touches and kisses following each piece of clothing removed. Carlisle's skin glowed ethereal in the moonlight pouring in through the window, almost as pale as Edward's. He had always thought that Carlisle looked like an angel, but like this, he took Edward's breath away.
Edward's eyes shifted just past Carlisle's shoulder to the bed, looking warm and inviting. Carlisle was mouthing along his neck and shoulder when Edward said, "Why don't we lie down?" Spinning them around, Carlisle walked Edward to the bed and guided him down onto it, climbing on top of him. Edward shuddered with the warmth of having Carlisle's naked skin pressed against him.
Carlisle's hair was falling into his face, his breath was coming in short pants and his lips were puffy from Edward sucking on them. It made Edward crazy, just how debauched he looked, his usual careful calm shattered by desire, and Edward was the one who did this to him. A spark of desire ran up his spine and he crossed his ankles behind Carlisle's waist, bucking his hips, suddenly desperate for friction.
"Carlisle," he asked softly, "where do you keep the lube and condoms?"
"Oh, God, Edward," he responded breathily, "are—"
"Don't you dare ask me if I'm sure, Carlisle," Edward cut him off, staring down the conflict in Carlisle's eyes. He'd never been surer of anything in his life. Carlisle was speechless at Edward's outburst and nodded, crawling over Edward to the nightstand, pulling out the requested items. As he laid them on the comforter, he pressed his lips to Edward's collarbone, sucking a light bruise into his skin as Edward squirmed underneath him.
He moved down Edward's body, settled himself between his legs, and nosed along his hard length before licking a stripe from base to tip. "Ugh, yes, Carlisle," Edward moaned, while Carlisle swirled his tongue around the head of Edward's cock, gathering the pre-cum leaking from his slit. He sank down on him, slowly sucking up and down while he covered his fingers in lube. Edward tensed slightly when he felt Carlisle's cool wet fingers at his entrance, causing Carlisle to stop and look up from between his legs in concern.
Edward felt his breath whoosh out of his lungs as he looked at Carlisle, gorgeous with his lips wrapped around Edward's cock. Edward groaned, "Please," bucking his hips in frustration for Carlisle to continue.
Edward's breath hitched as Carlisle slipped his finger in past the tight ring of muscle, and then out, slowly, before adding a second, and then third digit. His body tightened and he let out a low moan when he felt Carlisle's fingertip drag across his prostate. Carlisle concentrated his long middle finger on that spot, watching Edward's face screw up with pleasure.
"Fucking yes, Carlisle, yes, fuck, your fingers—" Edward moaned, hips shifting against Carlisle, already on edge. "Okay," he gasped, a soft keening noise coming from his throat, "o… okay. Come here Carlisle, please, I'm too close."
Carlisle sat up, rolling a condom down his length, and wrapped his arms under Edward's knees, pushing his legs to his chest. Edward couldn't help but feel exposed and his face started to heat at the awkwardness of this position. He had never really felt that way before, his inhibitions always lost before reaching this point. Carlisle, who was always so good at sensing Edward's feelings, leaned forward and began to press kisses, first to Edward's forehead, then to each cheek and finally to his lips as he lined his cock up to Edward's entrance. He kept their lips connected and Edward's embarrassment was quickly forgotten, lost in Carlisle when he pushed his hips forward.
Carlisle gently thrust in and out, deeper each time, until he was fully seated inside of Edward. He reached his hands to Edward's face, thumbs brushing along his cheekbones reverently, and Edward had never felt so cared for as he did in that moment.
He shifted his hips back, thrusting deeply into Edward, setting a slow, sweet pace for their lovemaking at first. As Carlisle began thrusting harder and faster, Edward felt pressure building in his gut, ready to turn into intense pleasure and threw his head back, moaning loudly, while Carlisle tucked his face into Edward's neck.
Carlisle sat up, reaching under Edward's knees and folding him in half. On the next thrust, the tip of his cock rubbed against Edward's prostate, and Edward cried out, his whole body trembling. His balls tightened and he dug his fingers into Carlisle's thighs, encouraging him to move faster, as each thrust send a wave of pleasure through him. Edward thrashed his head right and left while begging Carlisle to touch him, his whole body tight and tingling and on the edge. Carlisle reached down, gripping Edward's cock in his fist, jerking him quickly as his hips pistoned faster and faster.
Edward forced his eyes open just in time to watch Carlisle's face just before he came. His eyes screwed shut and mouth fell open into a silent scream and it was beautiful. Edward's whole body started to convulse, his calf starting to cramp from gripping Carlisle so tightly, the pain almost adding to the pleasure he felt in his desperation to come. His ass tightened around Carlisle's dick as it pulsed inside of him, and Edward stilled for just a moment before coming hard, sparks of pleasure dancing through his body.
Once Carlisle had pulled the last of his orgasm from his cock, Edward opened his eyes to see Carlisle staring down at him, his eyes full of unspoken love. The corner of Edward's mouth twitched into a smile as he lay boneless, lazily reaching up to pull Carlisle into another kiss. Carlisle leaned forward, lovingly kissing Edward and smearing cum over both of their chests.
Reluctantly, Carlisle dragged himself from Edward's grasp, discarding the condom and grabbing a washcloth to clean them off. They crawled under the covers and Carlisle reached out, gathering Edward into his arms. Edward threw his leg over Carlisle's, curling himself around his body. They fell asleep quickly while murmuring words of love in each other's ears, and woke up the next morning still tucked closely together, in almost the exact same position.
~O~
Carlisle stepped into the room and took a seat in the front row, even though he hated coming to the Young Person's meetings. Everyone was twenty-five or younger, and Carlisle felt like a dinosaur at thirty-three. However, he came for Edward. He would do just about anything for the boy that he loved so much. Carlisle swelled with pride as Edward's sponsor presented him with his two-year sobriety chip. They locked eyes briefly and Carlisle gave Edward a small smile before he walked to the podium and began speaking.
Edward never imagined that he would get to this point, where his own personal battle with addiction could possibly help others. He greeted the room full of people, some younger than him and some older, but all with the same thing in common—all living with and trying to tame their addiction.
As he neared the end of his speech, his gaze returned to Carlisle. "With this program, I've learned that I can live life either in celebration or in suffering. I can celebrate each day that I choose to be in control of my actions, rather than existing at the mercy of drugs and alcohol. I didn't know it at the time, but when I called Carlisle two years ago, I chose to live in celebration. I'll never stop being grateful to him for helping me come to that decision."
He thanked the crowd and walked down from the podium, directly to Carlisle, embracing him in a fierce hug. "You were wonderful, love," Carlisle said, before pressing their lips together. They broke apart to the sound of throats clearing. Edward blushed, slightly embarrassed at getting carried away with Carlisle in a roomful of people, waiting for them to end the meeting by reciting the Serenity Prayer together.
Everyone in the room joined hands and began to speak.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Edward now understood that living his life was a series of choices, and that not drinking was a choice that he made every day. Sure, there were still things that he couldn't control in his life, but he knew that he could control his response to them.
The response that he had the most difficulty controlling was his body's overwhelming desire to be near Carlisle. It was as if he craved his calming presence, his brilliant mind and his gorgeous body all the time.
Jasper had given him a pass on that one. It was a better addiction than the alternative.