A/N: Ok so, my school recently put on a production of the musical The Drowsy Chaperone and it was, frankly, fan-tucking-fastic. Then it struck my friends and me how funny it would be if the Hetalia characters did the play. And so this jewel was born.
The plot is loosely based off the plot of the musical, although I did make some changes to it would fit into story form better and, hopefully, be even more lawlful. If you really have no idea what this is, look it up.
Now then, the cast list:
Man In Chair- Canada/Matthew Williams- Walks the audience through the show. Alludes to some failed relationships in the past. Lives alone and has trouble paying his electricity bills on time.
The Drowsy Chaperone- Female!Japan/Kiku Honda- Perpetually drunk assistant to Janet; sings "As We Stumble Along" (Yes, Japan is female in this, don't like it? Then sod off)
Janet van de Graaff- Taiwan/Meimei Wang- Star of Feldzig's Follies who wants to give it up for marriage. Sings "Show Off" and "Bride's Lament"; marries Robert at end of show.
Robert Martin- Denmark/Mathias Køhler- Token 1920's Leading Man character. Sings "Cold Feets" and "Accident Waiting to Happen" (the latter while blindfolded on roller-skates!).
George- China/Yao Wang- Best friend of Robert and shares the 'Cold Feets' tap dance with Robert. Ultimately serves as the best man for all four weddings.
Aldolpho- America/Alfred F. Jones- Token Italian heartthrob character sings "I Am Aldolpho" and marries the Chaperone
Mrs. Tottendale- Hungary/Elizaveta Héderváry- Eccentric and oftentimes forgetful older lady who finances Robert and Janet's wedding. Sings "Love is Always Lovely in the End". Marries Underling.
Underling- England/Arthur Kirkland- Tottendale's butler and manservant
Feldzieg- Russia/Ivan Braginski- Producer of Feldzig's Follies; plans to stop the wedding between Robert and Janet, marries Kitty at end of show.
Trix- South Korea/Im Yong Soo- Aviator who serves as minister for the married couples. Sings "I Do, I Do in the Sky"
Kitty- Belgium/Bella-Token 'dumb blonde' character; wants to take Janet's place as star of Feldzig's Follies
Gangster 1- Germany/Ludwig Weillschmidt- One of two 'on the lam' criminals who pose as pastry chefs; sings and dances in "Toledo Surprise"
Gangster 2- Prussia/Gilbert Weillschmidt- One of two 'on the lam' criminals who pose as pastry chefs; sings and dances in "Toledo Surprise"
Chorus- Switzerland/Vash Zwingli, Sweden/Berwald Oxenstierna, Finland/Tino Väinämöinen, Greece/Heracles Karpusi, Turkey/Sadiq Annan, Spain/Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, France/Francis Bonnefoy, Northern Italy/Feliciano Vargas, Poland/Feliks Łukasiewicz, Sealand/Peter Kirkland- Guess what they do, I dare you.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not the characters, the plot, the music, most of the dialogue, the lyrics, nothing!
Let the insanity begin!
Canada settled comfortably in his high backed armchair with a warm mug of tea and sighed in satisfaction. All in all, it had been an excellent day, he hadn't been beaten up by Cuba and he had even been recognized by a few of the other Nations. Now it was time to sit back and enjoy the last hours of daylight that still remained. To say that the Northern Nation was comfortable would be a major understatement, with a warm mug of tea in hand and a fire roaring in the grate it was as if the blizzard raging outside didn't exist. Everything was perfect.
Except…
Except that it was quiet, too quiet, eerily quiet. His bear, Kumajirou, was snoring softly on the hearth rug, but the sound was easily drowned out by the crackling of the flames. And so it was that Canada decided to take a quick trip down memory lane. He set down the still warm tea and strode over to the glass cabinet where he kept everything that he didn't want America to get a hold of. He rummaged inside the cabinet for a while until he located the thin sleeve that he had been looking for. Printed across the front of the sleeve were the words "The Drowsy Chaperone". It was probably the best record Matthew's brother had ever given him.
He set the first of the two disks on the turntable and put the needle on top. It was mere seconds before he had been completely transported back to the 1920s, probably one of his favorite decades, not just because he had still been slightly high off the ending of World War One. He smiled happily as he took another sip of his tea and closed it eyes as the record began in earnest.
Canada came awake with a start, how silly of him to fall asleep while listening to a recording of his favorite musical. He attempted to get up from his chair but found he couldn't, he was chained to the seat. But not just any seat, a theatre style seat, what had happened to his comfortable armchair? And another thing, where had all the light gone? It was as if he was sitting in completely dark, completely deserted theatre, but that was insane, right? It must be some sort of joke Alfred was playing on him.
Suddenly a voice spoke to him through the darkness, "I hate theatre," Canada's mouth fell open, he knew that voice! How could he not know it? "Well, it's so disappointing , isn't it?" The voice went on, "You know what I do when I'm sitting in a darkened theatre waiting for the curtain to rise? I pray. Dear God, please let it be a good show. And let it be short, oh Lord in heaven, please. Two hours is fine, three hours is too much. And keep the actors out of the audience. God. I didn't pay a hundred dollars to have the fourth wall come crashing down around my ears. I just want a story, and a few good songs that will take me away. I just want to be entertained. I mean, isn't that the point? Amen."
This had to be a dream, Canada decided, there was no other explanation for that voice to be speaking to him. He attempted to move his hand to pinch himself, but found that the chains holding him down restricted most movement, it was impossible to maneuver in pinch himself without breaking his wrists. There was nothing the second largest Nation in the world could do but wait for whatever it was to be over.
"You know there was a time when people sat in darkened theatres and thought to themselves, 'what have George and Ira got for me tonight?' Or 'Can Cole Porter pull it off again?' Can you imagine? Now it's, 'Please, Elton John, must we continue this charade?' It used to be, sitting there in the dark, you knew that when the lights came up you would be taken to another world, a world full of colour and music and glamour. And you thought to yourself, 'My God, when are they going to bring up the lights?'" Lights were suddenly flicked on illuminating what seemed to be a stage. On the left of the stage a man sat in an armchair with a mug of tea and a small smile. "Oh how things have changed."
Canada's mouth fell open, the man on the stage wasn't just familiar, he was him, the man on stage was another Matthew Williams. No wonder the man had had the same voice as him. "Hello. How are we today?" The Matthew in the audience remained silent. "A little quiet? I'm feeling a little blue myself. You know, a little anxious for no particular reason, a little sad that I should feel anxious at this age, you know a little self-conscious anxiety resulting in a non-specific sadness: a state that I call 'blue'" the on stage Canada (or Mattie as the Matthew in the audience was starting to refer to him as) crossed his legs and nodded to himself. "Anyway, whenever I'm feeling this way, blue, I like to listen to my music. So, I was going through my box of records this morning-yes, records," Mattie looked a little snide and put out at those words. "And I was about to put on the 1962 sound track recording of Meredith Willson's The Music Man- I had a craving for a young Ronny Howard." Mattie looked sheepish there "But then I said 'No! Let's have a treat! Let's disappear a while into the decedent world of the 1920s. When the champagne flowed while the caviar chilled and all the world was a party'-for the wealthy anyway. So, I dug about and what did I find-" Mattie extracted a record from beside his armchair "-but one of my favorite shows, Gable and Stein's 'The Drowsy Chaperone'; Remember? Music by Julie Gable, lyrics by Sidney Stein."
Mattie stood up and went over to a turntable, talking all the while, it seemed that this version of Matthew wasn't shy in any way, shape or form. "It's a two record set, re-mastered form the original recording made in 1928. It's the full show with the original cast, including Beatrice Stockwell as the Chaperone," he picked up a framed picture sitting next to the turntable and turned it towards the audience. Canada could see a picture of an old fashioned, elegant looking woman. "Isn't she elegant? This is a full fifteen years before she became Dame Beatrice Stockwell. Can you believe it? Let me read to you what it says on the back-it says 'Mix-ups, mayhem and a gay wedding!'"
Canada snorted a little at this and Mattie's face fell slightly, "Of course the phrase gay wedding has a different meaning now, but back then it just meant fun! And that's what the show it-fun. So. Would you…indulge me? Let me play the record for you. Please." Canada stayed silent here as well, still slightly in shock that he was hearing himself performing the play he had just been listening to. If he ever got out of here Canada was going to kill his Southern brother. "I was hoping you would say that." Canada rolled his eyes, and let out a heavy sigh. Mattie took one of the records out of the sleeve and put it on the turn table and set the needle down on it. The sound of static filled the theatre and Mattie looked all too happy about it. "You hear that static? I love that sound. To me, it's the sound of a time machine starting up."
Music then filled the theatre as the overture began. "Now, let's visualize. Imagine if you will, it's November 1928. You've just arrived at the doors of the Morosco Theatre in New York. It doesn't exist anymore. It was torn down in 1982, and replaced with an enormous hotel. Unforgivable." Canada had to agree with Mattie on that one; wasn't it like his brother to tear down a place of art and replace it with something stupid. "Anyway," Mattie went on, "you came by horse. I mean, horse drawn carriage. You weren't actually riding the horse." Mattie made the movements of a stereotypical American cowboy at that and Canada did actually smile at the blatant mockery of a period of his brother's history, a time that Canada hadn't really had anything to do with but hated all the same. "Anyway, it's very cold and a heavy grey sleet is falling from the sky but you don't care because you're going to see a Broadway show! Listen!" Mattie settled back with his foot tapping in time with the music "Isn't it wonderful?" he fell silent again, humming along quietly "It helps if you close your eyes."
Suddenly, the mood was shattered by a piercing whistle coming from a stove towards the back of the stage, Mattie sprinted over to the stove a quickly made himself a cup of tea. "Overtures. Overtures are out of style now. I miss them. It's a polite way to beginning the evening. It's the show's way of welcoming you. 'Hello, welcome. The meal will be served shortly, but in the meantime, would you like an appetizer?' That's what an overture is, a musical appetizer. A Pu-pu platter of tunes, if you will." Mattie continued humming as he added milk to the tea and suddenly turned, suddenly at attention "Oh! Something new! What could it be? Sounds like a dance number. Kind of rollicking. Maybe involving pirates! Don't worry. There are no pirates." He walked back over to the armchair and set the mug down on the side table. "Now. This is it. The moment when the music starts to build an you know you're only seconds away from being transported." The music continued building and Mattie got more and more excited, "A new Gable and Stein musical. I can't wait!"
And, just when Canada thought things couldn't get any weirder, then did. Two very familiar people walked on stage, arms linked and Canada's mouth fell open again. The two people were people he interacted with almost every day, Arthur Kirkland and Elizaveta Héderváry. Arthur wore a standard tuxedo that Canada had only seen on him once, when his former ruler had lost a bet to Francis and been forced to be his servant for a week. Elizaveta on the other hand, wore a frilly, deep purple dress and a slightly ditzy expression like she didn't quite know what was going on. She looked nothing like the revolutionary, tough girl Canada was used to seeing.
"Underling?" Elizaveta said leaning towards Arthur.
"Yes, Madam." That made Canada snort, Arthur, working for Elizaveta? That was too funny even for this play.
"How do I look?"
"You look radiant, Mrs. Tottendale." Arthur replied somewhat wearily.
"I do love this dress so. It never goes out of style."
"It's a miracle, Madam." Arthur sounded like he was trying very hard not to roll his eyes here.
"Now, the guests will be arriving shortly." Elizaveta went on.
"Yes, Madam."
"And why are they coming?"
"For the wedding, Madam."
"The wedding! Of course! Oh, I love a wedding. I shall go pu on my fancy dress."
"You're wearing it, madam." There was a barely restrained sigh behind Arthur's words now.
"Why?"
"For the wedding, Madam."
"There's going to be a wedding?" Elizaveta sounding genuinely surprised at that revelation.
"Yes, Madam."
"And that's why I'm wearing my dress?"
"Yes, Madam."
"I do love this dress…"
The music began again and it wasn't long before the pair on stage began singing.
Elizaveta:
My dress! My dress!
My fancy dress
I don't know why I'm wearing it
I must confess
My dress! My dress!
I love my dress
Would someone tell me why I put it on?
Arthur:
Yes! Yes! Your dress
Your fancy dress
'Twas such a pleasure airing it
Re-stitching and preparing it
God bless your dress!
It's one fine dress!
And I will tell you why you put it on
Wedding bells will ring
Wedding bells will chime
Madam you're the hostess
And it's happy wedding time
Arthur and Elizaveta:
Wedding bells will ding
Wedding bells will dong
Wedding bells will ding-a-ling
And we will ding along
Suddenly doors on either side of the stage burst open and a steady stream of people came out, all of whom Canada could easily recognize. There was Vash, Berwald, Tino, Heracles, Sadiq, Antonio, Francis, Feliciano, Feliks, and Peter all dressed up as butlers and domestic servants. To say that Canada was surprised would be a severe understatement.
Chorus:
Your dress! Your dress!
Your fancy dress!
We're very, very glad you put it on
There was a chime that sounded something like a doorbell and Arthur perked up in a mixture of apparent joy and surprise.
Arthur:
Wedding guests have come
All:
Wedding guests are here
Wedding guests are at the door
And soon they will appear
The doors were opened by the Chorus members and in walked even more people that Canada was able to recognize. First was Mathias Køhler, or Denmark, dressed in a tuxedo and traveling coat, he shed said coat as he sang his bit.
Mathias:
I'm Robert, the bridegroom
I'm here to marry Janet
That star of Feldzieg's Follies
Whom I love a lot
Next came Yao dressed in a slightly more casual suit, coat and hat, the outer articles of clothing of which he handed idly to a member of the Chorus.
Yao:
I'm George! That's George
His best man George
I'm honored to be doing what a best man ought
Yao strode over to Elizaveta and tapped her on the shoulder, "Ah, Mrs. Tottendale. Now don't worry. I have this whole wedding planned out. The key is organization. See?" the Asian Nation held up a hand with strings tied to the first three fingers. "Each string represents a task yet to be completed. Pay the musicians, yell at the florist, book the minister. This whole wedding's going to run like clockwork."
Elizaveta once again looked surprised, "Oh, is there going to be a wedding?"
The next nation to walk in really took Canada by surprise, but an element of fear also took hold quite quickly, Ivan Braginski was the next to take the stage. He was dressed in a business suit and holding a cigar, he looked imposing, so say the least.
Ivan:
I'm Feldzieg, producer
I lost my leading lady
I got to stop this wedding
Or I'm not worth squat
It took Canada a while to place the next face he saw, but he was quick to see that it was, in fact Bella or, as he knew her, Belgium.
Bella:
I'm Kitty! Just Kitty!
I came with Mr. Feldzieg
I'll be a leading lady
If I get my shot
Canada snorted at the sight of the next two Nations to take to the stage, on walked Ludwig and Gilbert, normally two fairly imposing Nations were dressed up as pastry chefs and walking like stereotypical Broadway gangsters.
Ludwig:
We're pastry chefs
Gilbert:
We're pastry chefs
Ludwig and Gilbert:
We cross our hearts we're pastry chefs
Ludwig:
No fakery!
Gilbert:
A bakery
Ludwig and Gilbert:
Is what we got
Canada choked at the sight of the next nation. Alfred took to the stage dressed in a ridicous get up of blue and purple. He held a short, decorated staff in one hand and he wore a black wig with one white strip down it. And when his brother spoke it was with a terribly stereotypical Italian accent that would make both the Italy brothers fly into a rage.
Alfred:
Aldolpho! Aldolpho!
My name it is Aldolpho
I am the King of Romance
So I kiss a lot
All:
You are the King of Romance
So you kiss a lot
Wedding bells will ring
Wedding bells will chime
Wedding bells will celebrate
A happy wedding time
There was a sudden collective gasp and everyone turned to face the doors.
All:
Someone hasn't come
Someone isn't here
Where is Janet Van De Graaff
And when will she appear?
Meimei suddenly strode on stage, dressed in a flamboyant blue dress and her black hair cut short. Canada snorted at the sight of such a normally silent Nation so out there all of a sudden.
All:
It's Janet! It's Janet
It's Janet Van De Graaff
Meimei:
I'm Janet, Janet Van De Graaff
Here to marry Robert Martin
Giving up a life of glamour
To tie the knot
While Canada had been shocked by everyone who had taken the stage up until this point it was the Nation that came on stage next that startled Canada the most. Kiku Honda strode on stage with the slightly rolling walk of someone just a little tipsy. She wore a purple dress covered by a fur coat and her hair was curled.
Kiku:
Am I late?
I'm the Chaperone
Chaperone of Janet Van De Graaff
Maid of Honor, Friend and Confidante
And all that rot
Kiku stopped singing abruptly and looked around, "Where's the bar?"
All:
A wedding! A wedding!
Hooray!
Arthur approached Kiku carefully, "It's Prohibition, Madam?"
All:
A wedding! A wedding!
How gay!
Kiku smirked drunkenly and pulled out a flask, "Good thing I brought my own."
All:
A wedding! A wedding!
Today!
Kiku took a swig from the flask and grinned up at Arthur, "Bubbles make me drowsy."
All:
It's really happening!
There was the sound of an aeroplane and a few of the Nations on stage looked around.
All:
Truly happening
The aeroplane noises continued and a few more Nations on stage looked up.
All:
Almost happening
When the aeroplane noises came back again everyone was looking up and around for the source.
All:
What is happening?
Suddenly the lights focused in on something at the foot of the stage. There was Im Yong Soo with an aeroplane and dressed a 1920s aviator.
Im Yong Soo:
I'm Trix the aviatrix
Queen of the sky
I circle through the stratus
In my modern apparatus
I'm Trix the aviatrix
I've gotta fly
I'll see ya when they tie the knot
Mattie turned down the volume a little and continued smiling at the other Nations.
All:
A wedding, a wedding
Hooray!
Women:
Ding-a-ling
Tenors:
Ding-a-ling
Basses:
Ding-a-ling
All:
A wedding, a wedding
A wedding's coming our way
A wedding, a wedding, today
Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling,ding-a-ling
It's really happening
Truly happening
Almost happening
Surely happening
Mattie stood up and took centre stage, "Well there you have it, all the characters have been introduced. We have a bride who's giving up the stage for love, her debonair bridegroom, a harried producer, jovial gangsters posing as pastry chefs, a flaky chorine, a Latin lothario, and an aviator. And, of course, my favorite character, the Drowsy Chaperone. What more do you need for an evening's entertainment?"
A/N: Ummm…Be nice?
Yes, I am aware that "aviatrix" means a girl aviator and that Im Yong Soo isn't a girl but if I change the lyrics then the song doesn't work, does it?
Why didn't I make France be Aldolpho? Because Alfred and Aldolpho start with the same letters, I don't like France at all, and Alfred has the ego for Aldolpho and France doesn't.
Kiku as the Drowsy Chaperone? No idea about this one…Maybe because I love the Alfred/Kiku pairing…I dunno…
Anyway, hope you liked it and it made you smile, Chapter 2 up soon hopefully!
(Reviews would be nice…Very nice…)
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