Title: Fair Warning

Rating: PG-13 for badtouch

Pairing: Zack/Cloud

Summary: Zack's attempt to train Cloud with high level enemies fails majestically, and Sephiroth deals.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the story.

The big bull creature was grazing quietly on the far side of the plain, around twenty meters away. It looked harmless enough, and could actually be the protein source Zack kept bragging about in their SOLDIER diet plan- if it weren't eight feet tall, twelve feet long and five feet wide with two dagger like horns and a nice, flat hard face that looked like it's been trained in the art of goring unwary runts like him in the nads.

Cloud gulped, nervously fingering his Shinra standard issue gun. "Are you sure I can beat that... thing?"

Zack laughed loudly, and the bull made a grunting noise that made Cloud jump. Thankfully it didn't bother to look at their direction. "First of all, it's called a Wyred," Zack informed him, grinning. "Second of all, why the hell not? I beat it with one strike. That bull may be big, but it's slow, and hella easy. Just pummel it with ammo and maybe swish a sword at it for a nice finishing touch. Magic works too, though I haven't actually tried it."

Cloud checked the materia Zack gave him. Barrier, cura, graviga and some yellow materia that Zack said was either a costly punch or an iron fist. He had some experience casting spells, and while he was far from mastering the art, he did a decent job. Add that to his machine gun, a Soldier-issue sword Zack lent him and some status-ailment repelling accessories, he pretty much had the tools to win. And if Zack could beat it with one strike, it couldn't be too bad right?

Right. Cloud squared his soldiers and took a deep breath. "Okay... I'm ready."

Zack clapped his hands. "Excellent. Okay, when I say go, you run towards it, as if you're gonna head butt it to the next dimension. Don't stop, just ram it head on with your sword? Okay?" Cloud nodded.

"Okay. Ready set.. GO!"

Cloud ran, gripping the sword tightly in front of him, ready to throw his weight on the sword once it made contact with the beast.

Ten meters.

He could vaguely hear Zack cheering him on, in between the loud slurps of lemonade he was drinking.

7 meters.

Beads of sweat ran down the side of his head as he focused on nothing but the bull, which still didn't seem to notice him.

3 meters.

He could hear his heartbeat roaring in his ears as he took three great steps. Then he lunged.

Contact.

Cloud nearly jolted off balance, as the blade managed to pierce the monster's hide, about two and a half inches in. There was a tiny trickle of blood, but the bull never budged. However, just when Cloud thought he could get another extra strike in, the great beast turned slowly to look at him. Cloud stared back at it in terror, frantically pulling at the sword. It was stuck.

Suddenly, the monster took a slow step forward, its nostrils flaring. Fear seized Cloud and he stumbled back, running to put some distance between him and the now alert beast. He cast Barrier on himself, eyes never leaving the bull.

The bull walked towards him slowly, bidding its time. For every step the bull made, Cloud made two steps backwards. He looked at Zack, who was lying down under a tree and... perusing a SOLDIER ILLUSTRATED magazine.

"Uh Zack?" Cloud called out, his voice wavering slightly. "What do I do?"

Zack casually waved his hand, eyes not leaving the magazine. "Use your gun."

Cloud got his gun and aimed it at the monster's head, right between the eyes, or at least what he hoped to be between the eyes. It was still moving at a very slow place, which could either be an extremely good or extremely dangerous thing.

He adjusted his footing. He clicked the safety lock. He stared at the beast head on, determined to not let his fear show. Bulls could smell fear. Or was it cerberus dogs? He couldn't remember.

"The gun's not gonna shoot itself you know."

Right. Cloud squeezed the trigger and reeled slightly at the gun's recoil. Several rounds of bullets hit the target but for the good it did, Cloud might as well have been chucking marshmallows.

Another surge of panic hit Cloud, and he stepped back, almost tripping on a rock. "Zack. The gun isn't working."

"Just give it time, it has a tough hide."

Cloud's finger never left the trigger. "Zack, the bullets are bouncing off!

"Cast Graviga."

Cloud did and still the bull plowed on in that self-assured slow pace. "Zack, it's immune!"

"Use your other materia!"

Cloud's eyes widened as the bull started gaining speed. "Zack, it's charging at me!"

"Just dodge it, then punch it with the mighty iron fist technique."

"ZACK IT'S GOING TO KILL ME."

"Cloud, you're such a kidder. Shinra employees eat that thing. "

A mangled, high-pitched scream that couldn't possibly belong to the ballsack bearing gender pierced Zack sensibilities, and he looked up to see Cloud running for his life in the opposite direction, the bull at his heels.

Oh. Shit.

"Do I dare even ask what you were thinking, making a mere Shinra trooper face off a Wyred by himself?" Sephiroth asked sternly, examining a knocked-out Cloud lying on his couch.

"What?" Zack protested, scowling. "I thought he could handle it! I can take it out with one move. Heck, I gave Cloud an arsenal of guns, swords and materia for it."

"You have mako enhanced abilities and features, he does not."

"So what? I gave him the best armor I could sneak off the Soldier floor."

"Armor that is suspiciously spray painted with a fire-engine red color. Which Lazard will question by the way."

"Red is the color of victory!"

Sephiroth shook his head in defeat. There was no getting around Zack's circuitous logic. Really, the boy meant well, but intentions and Zack had the chemistry of a baboon and a hyena. Instead, he knelt down and carefully poured some medicine down the poor trooper's throat. Where did they get this kid anyway? He looked illegal. He made a mental note to talk to the proper authorities about the infantry requirements, and spare some other poor fool from meeting the fate of this one.

Zack took Sephiroth's stony silence as tacit approval. He looked at Cloud, still out cold and frowned. "The bull didn't... gore him did it? I mean, I don't see any blood."

"No, he just passed out from its bad odor move."

"Ohmygod really? Gross. I'd rather get gored."

"Again. You are a First Class Soldier. Cloud is a trooper."

"I still don't see your point, we both have perfectly functioning olfactory senses you know."

"Eurghhh..."

Both men turned to look at the source of the groan. "Hey he's coming round!" Zack whooped, striding over to Cloud's side. "Damn, Spike. Did you take estrogen pills or something? If I ever scream like that, hand me a frilly purple dress because it would mean that I've turned into a prepubescent girl."

Cloud shook his head, too groggy to punch Zack for his insulting remark, his eyes still out of focus. "Am I dead?"

"No, you were simply stunned and knocked out for a good half hour," Sephiroth supplied, standing up. "Zack brought you here to my office for a remedy, as the Shinra stores were closed."

"Oh. Good." Cloud blinked at Sephiroth a few times before recognizing who he was, after which he let out a tiny squeak and quickly scrambled to stand in attention. He moved so fast that the loosened metal shoulder brace he was wearing snapped free.

And landed on Sephiroth's foot with a dull thud.

And then there was silence.

Sephiroth, ever stoned-face, didn't even flinch- in fact, he made no move to remove the offensive object from his being.

Cloud's face on the other hand, resembled that of a person freshly caught copulating with a dead syphillic chocobo decomposing under the sun. The whole scene was so ridiculous and inappropriate, Zack mourned the lack of a camera.

Cloud's voice and hands were trembling when he saluted, apparently finding his voice. "I'm so s-sorry sir! Permission to lick your boots sir!"

Make that a video recorder, Zack thought. Maybe he should act all taciturn and proper like Sephiroth too, if things dropping on his foot warranted Cloud asking permission to lick him.

After a while, Sephiroth simply raised an eyebrow, and moved his boot out of the way. "At ease, soldier."

Cloud looked like he was about to pass out again from relief, but Sephiroth didn't see it as he turned to Zack.

"I have a meeting with the director," he said, picking up some gloves from his desk and putting them on. "You shall stay here until I get back, so we can talk about your punishment."

Zack groaned. "Please don't make me clean the toilets, Seph. Be humane. You have not seen ugly 'til you've seen mako enhanced crap. And don't even get me started on the stench."

Sephiroth ignored him. "You will take care of your friend in the meantime." Cloud let out another squeak, which suspiciously sounded like a protest.

Zack could've sworn Sephiroth smiled. "He will not dare to be careless," he assured Cloud. "This is my office, and there is no way he can engage in his tomfoolery here."

"Don't worry Cloud, you're in good hands," Zack chirped in, clapping his hands together and grinning a bit too widely for Cloud's comfort. Sephiroth glared at him, and Zack's hands fell to his sides. "I mean, yes sir, absolutely no tomfoolering."

Sephiroth eyed Zack carefully, before pivoting on his heel and walking out the door.

As soon as the door slid shut, Cloud collapsed back on the couch, burying his face in his hands. "I get knocked out by mess hall slop and the first thing you do is report it to General Sephiroth," he bemoaned in between his fingers.

"Aww, I was just joking about the meat hall slop- it was actually a level 54 monster."

Cloud looked up hopefully. "Really?"

"Well, it's still food-" Cloud's face retreated back behind his hands. "-but c'mon, it wasn't that bad. I think you stung it a little. Its hide wasn't so tough anymore when I dealt with it."

Cloud made a noise that sounded like a hybrid of a grunt and a sigh. "Don't trivialize it. It was an epic self-defeat on all fronts. I hate my life."

Zack bounded over to him and slung an arm around his skinny, trembling frame. "Aww, don't feel so bad. I'll make you feel better, right now." He grinned at Cloud, his eyebrows wagging mischievously. "I've always wanted to try this in Sephiroth's office."

"What do you mean-" Cloud jumped up as a clammy hand found its way in his pants. "No... You- I- WE ARE NOT!"

"C'mon Cloud," Zack wheedled, continuing his groping shamelessly. "It's not good to let such a beautiful opportunity go to waste."

"You're insane." Cloud tried to shove Zack off and failed. "And no."

"Cloud, listen to reason. How many people get to engage in filthy acts in the General's pristine office?"

"If sticking your hand in my crotch in the General's office is what you call reasonable, do not attempt to call me if you want to do something crazy. And no."

Zack pouted and Cloud hated him even more. "Two hours alone with you and not having sex? That is so unnatural."

Cloud sighed, finally succeeding in removing Zack's hands from his trousers. "Zack, please. The General will kill us." He stood up, only to be pulled back to the couch again. He had no idea how it happened but he was suddenly lying face down with Zack straddling him.

"Cloud, it's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission," Zack said in a serious, wise voice as he leaned down, winking at the trapped Cloud. "Relax. Seph's not going to hurt you. Just be quiet and we won't get caught."

Cloud choked back a frustrated scream. Not that he could do much, his face was practically buried in the couch's cushions. "You're going to freaking rape me."

"Keep telling yourself that. And what kind of a man do you think I am anyway? I brought lube you know."

There was no fighting it. Zack was already fumbling with his belt buckles eagerly and adjusting his perch on Cloud's back. Cloud sighed and simply relaxed, allowing the inevitable. Trying to stop Zack in his wanton mating urges was like trying to stop the sun from rising.

Not that Cloud will stop trying though. "Is it too late for Round 2 with the bull?"

"Nice try but no."

"I'm going to die. For real this time."

"No you won't." Zack leaned down again, and winked at him. "I can give you a ride to heaven though."

"... You are not allowed to use pick up lines again. Ever."

-fin-