It was just one little cut. Somehow, that's how it all began. One day, all the stress and conflicted emotions became too much and he picked up a pair of scissors and locked himself in his room. Even he wasn't sure why he did it. But one little cut spiraled into dozens on his arms and legs. He wasn't proud of it. But it was something that was hard to give up. Whenever he felt angry at himself, sad or alone he picked up his razors and locked his room.

So here he was today. Hiding away from Phil in his bedroom and gliding a razor across his arm and pathetically crying his eyes out. He winced at the pain and quietly sobbed more, but he deserved it, right? He was horrible. He was disgusting, scarred, and just overall horrible. He wanted to be perfect. Mainly just for one person in his life. Phil.

In Dan's eyes, Phil was absolutely perfect. Dan had often thought of being more than best friends. But that would never happen. He was pretty sure Phil was straight and just mentioning that Dan was gay would cause things to be awkward between them. Dan had already lost his love for himself, if he lost his best friend; things would never be the same again.

A knock at the door snapped Dan out of his thoughts.

"Dan? I'm heading over to Starbucks. Do you want anything?" A heavenly voice called out.

Dan wanted to reply, but he was sure that his voice would shake. However if he didn't reply, Phil would worry. He cleared his throat, "U-Uh, no thanks, Phil," He called out, quickly grabbing some napkins to stop the bleeding.

"Dan? Are you alright?" Phil asked, trying to open the door. "Can I come in?" He asked, concern lacing his perfect voice.

Dan began panicking. He quickly stood up, grabbing a jumper and shutting off the lights. He pulled the jumper over his head and covered his scars and the newly made wounds. Before jumping to the door, he threw his blanket on the floor over the blood and razor.

"Dan?" Phil called out, now knocking on his door non-stop. In an instant, Dan unlocked the door and opened it slightly.

Phil took a peek inside, looking around in his room. Dan gave the best smile he could, "What? Did you think I murdered somebody?" Dan asked, giving a dry laugh. Phil cracked a slight smile, "Maybe. Why is it so dark in here, though?" He asked, looking at Dan.

Damn it…What excuse should I use this time? Dan thought to himself. "Oh, I was taking a nap. You know how editing videos all day just wear me out!" He said, yawning. Phil looked very skeptical but nodded slightly, "Yeah. Are you sure you don't want anything from Starbucks?" Phil asked. Dan nodded.

The blue eyed boy sighed but nodded, "Alright. Text me if you change your mind!" Phil said before turning the other direction to leave. Dan waited until he heard the front door of the flat to close before he loudly sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Did I honestly just lie to the most extraordinary person ever? Did I really do that again?" He said softly to himself. This is probably why I'm just so horrible.

He retreated back into his room and pulled the blanket off of the stain and bloodied razor. Dan frowned, knowing he'd have to spend a majority of his time scrubbing that out.

He picked up his razor from the carpet and rinsed it off in the bathroom sink. He then dug out a small box from his mattress. He had cut a hole in his mattress and used his sheets to cover the damage made to his bed. Dan stored his razor in the small box and put it back where it had been.

His eyes drifted back to the blood stain and he sighed. Without a second thought, he made his way to the kitchen sink and began to wet a cloth.

The sound of a door opening made Dan tense up. Phil wasn't supposed to be back yet! Dan dropped the cloth in the sink and ran to his room, locking it in the process.

Dan found himself having a mini-panic attack. After a few seconds, he realized Phil wouldn't come into his room unless Dan let him. Taking a few deep breaths and making sure the jumper he was wearing covered his cuts; he unlocked the door and walked out.

Dan's brown eyes met Phil's gorgeous eyes. "I thought you went out to get coffee?" Dan said, pulling a confused face.

Phil shook his head, "I was halfway down the lift when I changed my mind. I didn't really want coffee," He said, going to sit on the couch.

"Oh…Well, do you wanna play Sonic or something?" Dan asked, a real smile forming on his face. Anything he could do with Phil would make him happier, and Dan wanted to be happy.

"Oh, um, I'm sorry, Dan, but Amy is supposed to come over today…We were gonna hang out here," Phil said, frowning slightly. Dan felt his heart drop. "Oh."

Amy. Of course Amy is coming over! Dan thought to himself, subconsciously rubbing his arm. It was obvious that Dan did not like Amy.

Phil sighed, "Dan, I'm sorry. I know you don't like Amy for whatever reason, but she's my girlfriend!" Phil twiddled this thumbs. This just made Dan feel worse.

Of course Phil would never love Dan; he's straight and he loves Amy. He loves Amy more than he'll ever love him. If Dan even mentioned that fact that he was gay, it would drive Phil away. It would drive him more to Amy.

Dan looked back up to Phil, "It's fine. I'll just…be in my room on the internet," Dan said, forming a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

Phil frowned, "Okay…If you need anything, remember; Amy does like you and she wants you to like her. Coming out of your room wouldn't bother us at all." But Dan just nodded, brushing off the words.

"Yeah, yeah…I know." And with that, Dan walked back to his room, locking it. He was tired. Every day it was the thing. Dan would fall even more in love with Phil and then Amy has to come along and completely crush his day.

Dan noticed the tears streaming down his face. I can't blame Amy…Phil is perfect. Anyone who had a mind would want him… He vigorously wiped at the tears and jumped into his bed, curling up to cry.

His sadness deepened when he heard Amy come into the flat. Dan didn't want to hear Phil and her kissing. He didn't want to hear her.

He reached over to the side of his bed and pulled out the small box which held his answer to everything right now. A blood stained razor.

With shaky hands, he took it out and held it against his wrist. Without anymore hesitation, he carved a deep line into his skin. The pain was overwhelming but he deserved it. Dan did it again. Directly underneath the first deep cut.

He held in a whimper of pain. He started to feel himself get lightheaded. Good. He drowsily put the razor back into the box and hid it once more for today.

Dan could practically feel his eyes getting heavier. Darkness then overtook him.

uhm hi ouo this is my first FanFic soooo yeah ouo;;
This was inspired by the song Before I Die by Papa Roach hence the title~
sooo leave a review either here or on my Tumblr~ (bringmetheslinkyferrets)