Buster the Hedonist

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Buster starts hanging out with Halley when Sparky becomes busy, and ends up developing feelings for her. Will Buster do the right thing? Meanwhile, Jaylynn gets RK and Wade to switch bodies to help end their fighting.

1. Buster the Hedonist Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 3

EPISODE 19

Airdate: May 29, 2015

Title: Buster the Hedonist

Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("Imaginary Player" by Jay-Z)

Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(Testicular Sound Express is looking at the bulletin board with wide eyes.)

SPARKY: Well, it's that time of the year again.

BUSTER: I thought that was for girls.

SPARKY: No, I'm talking about the extra credit craze.

JAYLYNN: Extra credit craze? What's that?

RK: You've been going to this school for two years and there are still things you don't know?

JAYLYNN: I don't like talking to a lot of people at this school, they're so weird!

WADE: The extra credit craze is when kids with bad grades start going into a frenzy to do extra work here at school. Since it's near the end of the year, everybody starts working harder to make sure they don't get left back.

SPARKY: Or kids who just want to improve their averages a little bit.

BUSTER: Oh no, we are not letting this happen again.

SPARKY: What are you talking about?

RK: Come on, Sparky. You always go overboard trying to boost your average by a few points and every year, we have to clean up the mess.

WADE: Yeah. Remember last year when you were hospitalized?

CUTAWAY GAG

(Sparky is shown in a hospital bed with his head bandaged and watching TV. The other boys look concerned.)

BUSTER: Doc, is he okay?

DOCTOR: He gave himself a concussion trying to do all that extra credit.

WADE: Sparky, we should have...

SPARKY: I DON'T CARE WHAT THE ANSWER IS, JUST GIVE ME MY A!

END OF CUTAWAY

WADE: It took about a week for you to get your head on straight.

JAYLYNN: Seriously, where the hell was I for any of this?!

(The boys all look at Jaylynn confused, and then continue the conversation.)

BUSTER: So yeah, Sparky, we're not going to let you hurt yourself again. I don't have many best friends to spare. I can't just buy a new, man-made best friend, mine was organic!

SPARKY: Relax, guys, I'm not going to go to the emergency room again. I've learned from my past, I've conquered it, and I am a much better person for it. So I'm going to have to start quick, I don't want those bastards getting the jump on me. Later.

(Sparky walks away with a big smile on his face, concerning the others)

BUSTER: I think I'm going to watch him.

RK: Yeah. You do that.

JAYLYNN: Seriously, how come I didn't know about this?

WADE: Because you don't really exist. You're just a clever, visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of prepubescent thought.

JAYLYNN: NOBODY EVER F***ING TALKS LIKE THIS!

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Wade are walking together near the exit.)

RK: Hey, you need a ride home?

WADE: Sure.

(With a bored expression, RK shoves and checks several kids who are blocking the exit, including Gilcania who gets accidentally thrown to the ground.)

GILCANIA: RK!

RK: Sorry, Gilcy, it's just these kids, you know?

GILCANIA: I know, boo-boo, you're still the homie.

(RK gets in his car with Wade and starts it up, then hits the gas and starts driving.)

RK: So what are you doing with Adriana tonight?

WADE: Well, we're going to study together.

RK: Wait, what?

WADE: Yeah, Tuesday's our study date night. It's a tradition.

RK: Yeah, I mean, study dates are fine for the shy people who don't want to make any moves, but you two are serious. You're not the hand-holding couple, you're the get freaky couple.

WADE: You and Anna are the get freaky couple.

RK: Oh yeah, you are. Boy, Anna really gets me going. If sex was a thing that I actually understood, I would definitely do that to Anna.

WADE: RK, sexual intercourse is sacred and intimate. You don't want to just make love to anybody.

RK: But I'm not, I'm making love to Anna. We love each other, so when we're older and crazier, we're going to make more love. It works out.

WADE: Well, for me personally, I would wait until marriage to have sex.

RK: That's so dumb. Every American boy's dream is to get their hands on something by the time they get to high school.

(Wade groans to himself.)

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky has five charts in front of him on the coffee table. Bitch Clock comes in with a bottle of Bud Light and notices the charts.)

BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, you're having a board meeting or what?

(A studio audience goes nuts for Bitch Clock and starts clapping wildly for him, which he does not understand.)

BITCH CLOCK: The f***?

SPARKY: It's for the extra credit thing at school.

BITCH CLOCK: Wait a minute. The extra credit thing? The same extra credit thing that put you in the hospital and made me an alcoholic?

SPARKY: You've been an alcoholic for years.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, that time, I had it justified. So why are you doing this again? Your grades are so good, the National Baseball Hall of Fame doesn't think they're real.

SPARKY: I want to make sure I get great grades to round out the year. Because without great grades in elementary school, it will carry over to junior high and stay that way. By the time I get to high school, I'll be a lonely punk rock drifter forced to hang out with the Hispanic girls who try to act black!

BITCH CLOCK: So...what's with the charts?

SPARKY: Well, I have to make sure I monitor every class as much as possible. That's why I have these charts. They allow me to keep track of everything I need to in the form of color-coded scheduling. Today is math and history. Tomorrow, science. And on Thursday, we dig a little into English. The best part is, I can change the schedule whenever I want. I could be a little badass and study history on a different day! Pretty sweet, huh?

BITCH CLOCK: I feel like this isn't the best use of your time.

(A distinctive knock is heard at the door.)

SPARKY: It's open, Halley.

BITCH CLOCK: Halley has a knock now?

SPARKY: She always has.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, I don't remember that ever being brought up. Weird shit in Seattle these days, kiddies.

(Halley comes in at that moment.)

SPARKY: How come you didn't come in earlier?

HALLEY: I was waiting for you guys to finish your banter. I'm not good at that.

SPARKY: Well, I know one thing you're good at.

HALLEY: What?

SPARKY: Being adorable to the highest degree!

HALLEY: Aww, Sparky...

(The two start kissing, which makes Bitch Clock a little uncomfortable.)

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, so I'm just going to go to my man cave and get buzzed now. If you need me, I was never here. Ever.

(Bitch Clock simply walks up the stairs and away from the hoopla downstairs.)

HALLEY: So I was hoping we could hang out tonight. You, me, my place. Ramen noodles?

SPARKY: I like the Ramen idea, but my noodle's hitting the books tonight. I'm stuffing my face with extra credit.

HALLEY: Not again.

SPARKY: That's not going to happen again, your boy toy has a color-coded schedule?

HALLEY: Okay, so you're not free tonight. How about tomorrow night?

SPARKY: Can't. I'll be busy all week long with this extra work. And next week too. These next two weeks, it's going to be me going to school, going straight home, and having no outside contact with the rest of the world.

HALLEY: You know, most boyfriends would just get their girls flowers so it seems like they're doing something.

SPARKY: Wait, what?

HALLEY: Nothing, busy boy. You got a schedule to keep so I'm heading home.

SPARKY: Alright, Jaylynn, see you at school.

(Halley cocks her head a bit and walks out of the house.)

SPARKY: Ooh, a history diorama! I could SO do that!

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is at lunch with Jaylynn and looks annoyed.)

WADE: It's like, why even talk about sex? We're in the fourth grade, it's ridiculous! I love RK but sometimes, he's just such a pighead.

JAYLYNN: You ever tried telling him this? I mean, he's not an idiot. Whenever RK knows he's wrong, he'll try to fix it.

WADE: I suppose so. Some healthy communication would help.

BUSTER: Guys, RK's not coming to lunch, he has to finish some homework in the computer room.

WADE: Well, there goes that.

JAYLYNN: Where's Sparky?

BUSTER: Well, he was going to come, but he has to update his charts. There was some kind of scheduling problem. Then we started talking about clouds. That was fun.

WADE: Man, he's really going the extra mile for this extra credit.

BUSTER: I know, right? I think he has it under control this year and I'm proud of him.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm not. He's going to kill himself doing all this work.

WADE: Relax, no evidence has supported your claim that it's becoming a problem.

HALLEY: Hey guys.

JAYLYNN: OH MY GOD! Sorry, Halley, it's just that usually the regulars sit here.

HALLEY: I know. I'm worried about Sparky, I think he's too wrapped up in his work.

WADE: Okay, now we have some evidence.

("Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush starts playing in the background)

BUSTER: Yeah, that was...that was a little too early, guys. Why do you think that, Halley?

HALLEY: Well, he didn't want to hang out with me yesterday and he's booked solid for the next two weeks so guess who doesn't have a boyfriend?

BUSTER: Um...Taylor Swift?

WADE: Alexandra Nechita?

JAYLYNN: That girl from that teen movie?

HALLEY: Shut up, guys. I just wish I had someone to hang out with until then. Buster, are you doing anything tonight?

BUSTER: Well, I was going to go to an eating contest prep course at Northgate, but other than that, nothing.

HALLEY: You want to come to my place after your class?

BUSTER: Me? Hang out with you?

HALLEY: Yeah. I mean, I feel like you and I could have a lot of fun.

JAYLYNN: Why didn't you ask me? We're best friends.

HALLEY: You and Anja are best friends, jackass. Besides, you always tell me how much you hate me.

JAYLYNN: Halley, we have a love-hate thing going on. It's part of what makes us us.

HALLEY: Yeah, I'm not buying it. So Buster, are we on for tonight?

BUSTER: I guess we are. What's the worst that could happen? You go nuts and take pills you weren't supposed to, then you drown me in the bathtub.

HALLEY: Why would that ever happen?

BUSTER: I saw a story about that last night on the news. If I were you, I would keep that bathroom locked up.

WADE: Yeah, you two were made for each other.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah.

SCENE 5

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is reading Two Trains Running by August Wilson when he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, looks through the peephole, and opens the door.)

RK: Howdy-ho, friendito!

WADE: Hey RK. Look, I need to talk to you.

RK: I know what you're going to say. I'm an inappropriate, obnoxious pighead, aren't I? Jaylynn told me.

WADE: I wasn't going to use those specific words. I would have chosen a more elegant depiction, like boorish hellion.

RK: Look, Wade, if you're upset about the sex talk last night, I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get out of line and don't watch what I say.

WADE: The sex talk was yesterday afternoon, not last night.

RK: Do you really need to point that out?

WADE: No. But I accept your apology.

RK: Thank you. Now, I understand the problems you have with me, but I'm not sure if you understand the problems I have with you.

WADE: What problems?

RK: Well, if I'm a boorish hellion, then you must be a stuck-up, wannabe cynic who has to be right all the time. Am I in the ballpark now, Wade?

WADE: I am not stuck up or a cynic. You have it completely off.

RK: Oh no, I have this shit on, my brother. It's on, it's tight, and it's form-fitting in this room right now, my brother.

WADE: Look, I might be a little saucy from time to time, but I'm like that because who else will?

RK: Who else will? You little son of a bitch, riding around on your high horse acting like there was a position that needed to be filled.

WADE: Dude, I am here to save you from your own stupidity.

RK: I don't need you to save me, man. I'm not a baby anymore, I've done just fine on my own.

WADE: Yeah, like there's actual evidence to that.

RK: Hey, Wade, what's that on your forehead?

WADE: Where?

RK: Your blood.

(RK smacks Wade across his face.)

("Learn My Lesson" by The Sheepdogs playing in the background)

RK: Crap, you were supposed to say "What on my forehead?" You ruined it.

(Wade smacks RK right back, and RK takes him down. The two start screaming and knocking each other silly. Wade escapes RK's clutches and knees him in the forehead, stunning him briefly. Wade then locks in the Sharpshooter on RK, but RK turns it around and flips Wade on his back. RK climbs the sofa and hits a moonsault off of it, then gets prepared for the RKO. Wade instead blocks the attempt and launches RK headfirst into the front door. Wade then gets a running start, and hits the Brogue Kick on RK. For good measure, Wade takes RK up on his back and goes for the High Cross powerbomb. At that point, Jaylynn opens the door and RK manages to slip out of the High Cross, causing Wade to crash into Jaylynn and both of them to fall off the steps. RK finishes it off by biding his time, then hitting a suicide dive through the door on both Wade and Jaylynn, knocking out all three of them.)

SCENE 6

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster and Halley are watching TV, but Buster looks a little uncomfortable.)

HALLEY: Buster, is something wrong? You seem kinda nervous.

BUSTER: Well, you know. Kids these days. We're all nervous about something. That means the system works.

HALLEY: Look, I know you see me as Sparky's girlfriend and you're afraid of what might happen, but you're fine. Nothing's going to happen.

BUSTER: It's not? So, you're not trying to seduce me?

HALLEY: Hell no, silly. We're just two friends hanging out.

BUSTER: Two friends hanging out. Well, you know, I have lots of girls for friends so I can get down with that. Pass me the popcorn.

(Halley passes Buster the bowl of popcorn.)

BUSTER: I am Captain Popcorn! Delivering a tasty treat and fighting the ultimate crime of hunger.

(Halley starts laughing at Buster's antics.)

BUSTER: (imitates horns) We last saw Captain Popcorn in the vicinity of Sparky's house. There, he was being awarded a buttery key to the city when he had no choice but to foil the evil plans of Dr. Stomacho, a mad scientist hell-bent on hunger domination.

(Buster then tosses three pieces of popcorn in the mouth at the same time, and Halley claps while laughing.)

HALLEY: Wonderful. Just wonderful. You know, Buster, I knew this was a good idea.

BUSTER: I guess it was. Hey, I noticed the TV's not on.

HALLEY: Yeah, it's like a member of my family was missing.

BUSTER: Do you watch Girl Meets World by any chance?

HALLEY: Well, at first no, but then my little sister turned me on to it. Now, it's one of my favorite shows.

BUSTER: I know, right? It can be preachy and really funny at the same time. It can't lose!

HALLEY: (giggling) I never thought of it like that. I'm telling you, you remind me so much of Sparky.

BUSTER: Really? This is great, now I'm the coolest kid in the room.

HALLEY: No way. You can't be cooler than me.

BUSTER: I bet I can, Vidal. I'm so cool, I invented the frozen foods section at the supermarket.

HALLEY: Alright. I'm so cool, that when winter comes around, the nickname for it is "Halley."

BUSTER: Well, try this one on for size. I'm so cool that I'm not allowed to wear sunglasses. I turn them into blocks of ice in seconds.

HALLEY: I'm so cool, the polar bears come to me for a place to stay.

BUSTER: Oh yeah? Well, I'm so cool that I...okay, you're going to love this one. I'm so cool that...no, I am so ICE COLD THAT...

(Halley is trying her hardest to contain her laughter. Buster sighs in disappointment, then stares at the camera.)

BUSTER: I'm so cool that right now, I'm letting RK, Wade, and Jaylynn take it away.

SCENE 7

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is pacing back and forth while RK and Wade sit on the couch. They both have ripped up shirts and scratches on their face.)

RK: Jaylynn, you've been walking around like that for 15 minutes, we get it now.

JAYLYNN: No, you don't. I'm going to keep walking around like this because you two bums need to really get it.

WADE: Look, is there some underlying reason behind you dragging us to your home on a school night?

RK: Yeah, we were just about to kill each other.

JAYLYNN: That's the problem. You two are supposed to be best friends and right now, all you're thinking about is fighting. Why can't you be like Sparky and Buster or me and Anja?

WADE: Why would we want to?

RK: Dude, that's not how we operate. You can't expect us to act like Sparky and Buster because we're not nice like they are, and you can't expect us to act like you and Anja because we're not dating each other.

(Jaylynn gives RK an extremely annoyed look.)

RK: Check, please?

JAYLYNN: Look, I feel like you two just need to settle down and apologize to each other. But that's not going to happen so what I need you two to do is look each other in the eyes and...

RK: Whoa, daddy. I mean, I like boys but come on now.

(Jaylynn rolls her eyes and sighs.)

JAYLYNN: Look each other in the eyes and tell the other what you want them to do.

(RK and Wade give each other weird stares.)

WADE: I, um...I guess that's a plausible solution.

RK: Yeah. We could do that.

JAYLYNN: Good. Now, RK, how do you feel about Wade? Be honest.

RK: Okay, Wade, you're my best friend and we've been bros for as long as I can remember. But sometimes, I feel like you act way too pompous. So when I smacked you, I felt really good about myself.

JAYLYNN: Okay, that's fair. Wade, what do you have to say to RK?

WADE: RK, you're loud, obnoxious, and sometimes impossible to deal with.

RK: Actually, Wade, being the smart one, you should know that I can't be impossible. I exist. A better term to use would be "improbable."

(Wade slaps himself in the face in response to what RK said.)

WADE: So, yeah, when I physically massacred you, I felt like I actually got to your soul. Fighting was therapeutic for me.

RK: Really? Because I felt like I got what I wanted when I busted your skull on the concrete.

WADE: Really? Did you just have a wicked daydream of smashing me with a lead pipe like I did?

RK: No, but I was thinking about tying you to the train tracks and pouring gasoline on you to create a huge fire when the train comes.

WADE: You want to make it a reality?

RK: COME GET SOME, SICKO!

(RK and Wade let out a scream and start hammering away at each other, but Jaylynn breaks it up within seconds.)

JAYLYNN: Alright, that's enough! I didn't want it to come to this, but you leave me no choice. We're going back to Wade's house. Get in the car.

RK: But we just...

JAYLYNN: GET IN THE MOTHERF***ING CAR!

SCENE 8

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Wade have switched bodies, but their voices have not changed.)

WADE: I can't believe you made us switch bodies, Jaylynn.

RK: You're telling me. How is this crap going to work?

JAYLYNN: Look, you two are probably so hostile now because you can't see things from the other person's perspective. So, by my logic, if you're actually in the other person's body, you could experience what they do and understand each other better.

RK: Yeah, by your logic. I don't know how much that's going to hold up.

JAYLYNN: I'm about five seconds away from slaughtering you.

RK: Try me.

(Buster walks up to the guys whistling "What About Your Friends" by TLC.)

BUSTER: Good morning, people.

JAYLYNN: Hey Buster.

BUSTER: RK, Wade.

WADE: I'm not RK.

RK: And I'm not Wade.

BUSTER: Of course you are. What the hell are you guys trying to put over on me?

RK: Nothing, Jaylynn switched our damn bodies last night.

BUSTER: Of course she did, Wade, if that's your real name.

JAYLYNN: Buster, it's true.

BUSTER: I don't believe it. Only the real RK would know the answer to this question: What's your favorite show to reference?

RK: None. They're all ripe for reference.

BUSTER: Holy Spaniard lips, it's true! It's RK dressed like Wade and talking like Wade! Wait a minute. Can someone explain to me all of this?

JAYLYNN: RK and Wade have been at each other's throats lately so I made them use the Body Swap to see the other's point of view.

RK: It was a dumb idea last night and it's a dumb idea now.

WADE: I concur. Jaylynn, this whole thing is doomed to fail.

JAYLYNN: And I can tell you right now that it's not.

BUSTER: That's another thing. If you guys switched bodies, why didn't you switch voices too?

WADE: Well, after doing some research, I learned that vocal cords aren't located in the brain, rendering my Body Swap inaccurate. I was ashamed for weeks.

BUSTER: But you fixed it up, right?

WADE: Yes. But I was still ashamed.

RK: So why do you look so chipper? Because the Lord knows I don't.

BUSTER: Halley and I had the best time last night. We're going to hang out again tonight. It's like, the coolest person in the world is now a ten-year-old girl.

WADE: I thought Sparky was the coolest person in the world to you.

BUSTER: He still is, but at the moment, it's Halley. She's the best, really. And she was about to hit rock bottom had I not been there to help.

RK: I hit rock bottom listening to Jaylynn.

(Jaylynn growls, and RK rolls his eyes.)

WADE: Well, Buster, I'm glad you and Halley are getting along so quickly. I always thought you two were meant to be friends.

BUSTER: You have a point, Not RK. This is going to work out just fine.

SCENE 9

("Makes Me Happy" by Drake Bell playing in the background)

Buster has started hanging out with Halley every day after school. One moment they are laughing their heads off at the TV, the next they are going bowling. Halley struggles to lift up the ball, but Buster helps and they both fall over. They get close enough to each other's faces, but they just laugh it off. Meanwhile, RK and Wade despise being stuck in each other's bodies. RK, as Wade, finds himself constantly surrounded by several kids who need help with their homework. After school on certain days, RK has to take on Wade's responsibility of tutoring other kids. Meanwhile, Wade is living a life of low expectations. This inadvertently causes him to relish his newfound freedom and lack of cares, although KG still bothers him from time to time. Buster and Halley then go mini-golfing, and there is an elaborate scene where Buster knocks his ball off the windmill, it ricochets off the animatronic clown, and sinks into the hole. In the end, Buster scores an 81, compared to Halley's 102 making Buster the winner. The two hug each other after the game, but for some reason, Buster does not want to let go.

SCENE 10

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK, as Wade, walks into the room while Jaylynn is watching TV.)

RK: Alright, it's been more than enough time now. It's over, my sentence is over!

JAYLYNN: What are you talking about?

RK: I've had enough living in Wade's body. How does he do it every day? Kids always coming up to you looking for test pointers. They used to come up to me for water balloon techniques, now I'm just a big fat brainiac they can drain the life out of. The worst part is, everybody wants me to be the big guy in the fourth grade. "Hey, Wade, that's our man! He's smarter than my dad!"

JAYLYNN: Sounds like you had a fun week.

RK: Don't rub it in.

JAYLYNN: Why do you look trampled?

RK: Because I am trampled. I have no idea why, but some older kids thought it would be funny to play a prank on me and tell other kids I'm Truman from Martha Speaks. And that raised the question of why they still watch Martha Speaks, it's not like that show is still funny.

(Wade, as RK, comes in wearing tennis gear and holding a racquet.)

WADE: Oh man. I never thought badminton with Ashley could be so thrilling.

RK: You played badminton with Ashley? I've been trying to get her to play me for months.

WADE: I guess today was my lucky day because we were fighting like Notre Dame graduates.

(RK and Jaylynn both give Wade bored looks.)

WADE: No?

JAYLYNN: No.

RK: No.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm going to go to the bathroom now. You two get reacquainted.

(Jaylynn walks upstairs, proud of herself)

JAYLYNN: I'm a genius.

WADE: Alright, let's switch back. Cough up the body.

RK: Wait, what? I thought you loved being me.

WADE: Not exactly. I mean, your life is fun and all, but my brain could use some stimulation.

RK: You're telling me. You can have your body back. Of course, I will miss having some of the best grades in school.

WADE: Going out to Mariners games instead of staying in and doing homework.

RK: People actually being proud of me. You know something, Wade? I think I do appreciate your life more after living it.

WADE: So do I. How do you maintain low expectations?

RK: Years of practice. It takes hard work to be lazy. For some reason.

WADE: Wait a minute, I just realized something.

RK: What, that...I got nothing.

WADE: No, I realized that...wow, you have nothing? That's a first. I realized that we're going to give Jaylynn the satisfaction of helping us when we fixed everything ourselves.

RK: You're right. I say we take a sledgehammer and hope for the very worst.

WADE: RK!

RK: Sorry, that was my inner sadist talking. What do we do? I want to switch, but I don't want Jaylynn to make this all about her.

WADE: Well, all we can do is get closer and closer until she forces us to switch.

RK: I like your style.

JAYLYNN: So, what's going on?

WADE: Well, we've enjoyed this whole switcheroo thing so much that we're going to have a slumber party tonight.

JAYLYNN: That's awesomesauce!

RK: Yup. Two boys nestled together in one bed. It will be like a G-rated Brokeback Mountain. Scratch that, PG-rated.

WADE: Please don't make me regret this.

SCENE 11

The Vidal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster and Halley are once again watching TV one night when Buster gives Halley a nervous look. Halley notices this and mutes the channel.)

HALLEY: Buster, are you okay?

BUSTER: Yeah. It's just that, I like you a lot.

HALLEY: Oh. Well, you know I like you too so don't worry about it.

BUSTER: Yeah. Sure.

(Buster thinks for a second, and kisses Halley on the cheek.)

HALLEY: What was that for?

BUSTER: I don't know. It just felt right.

HALLEY: Okay, well, how does this feel?

(Halley kisses Buster on the lips, giving him a wide-eyed look.)

(in his thoughts) BUSTER: Oh my God, this is happening! (aloud) It felt really good.

(Buster and Halley look into each other's eyes and start kissing passionately. It ends when Buster wakes up screaming.)

BUSTER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Wait a minute, it was just a dream. But what the hell was that?!

("Big Time Theme Song" plays in the background as Buster tries to go back to sleep, concerned over what he just dreamed about.)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS

Artist: Jay-Z

Song: Imaginary Player

Album: In My Lifetime, Vol. 1

Year: 1997

Label: Roc-A-Fella, Def Jam

"Imaginary Player" was the sixth and last single released off of In My Lifetime on May 11, 1998. The song was produced by Daven "Prestige" Vanderpool and samples "Imaginary Playmates" by Rene and Angela.

SCENE 12

The Newman Condominium

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: I can't believe this. I had a dream about Halley! Okay, okay, calm down, Buster. Maybe my mind was trying to bring me down to its level and make me think nasty thoughts. I mean, I can't really have feelings for Halley. Except...what if I want to? OH MAN, I'M DOING IT AGAIN! Alright. Get it together, old boy. This is a brand new day, and I'll forget all about it at school.

SCENE 13

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(Buster walks into school looking around for Halley, but she is nowhere in sight.)

BUSTER: No Halley. Phew! Looks like I'm in the clear today.

(Buster turns the corner and sees Halley talking to Ashley.)

BUSTER: Oh no!

HALLEY: Hey, where's Sanna? I feel like I never see her.

ASHLEY: She's always hanging out with the third graders, that's why.

HALLEY: Hey Buster.

ASHLEY: Good morning, Buster.

BUSTER: Hello children. How...how are you doing today?

HALLEY: We're doing fine. So, Buster, are we hanging out at your condo tonight?

BUSTER: I don't know, should we?

HALLEY: Well, yeah, it was your idea.

BUSTER: Yeah. Yes, it absolutely was my idea. It's just that sometimes, things happen unexpectedly and you don't know how to handle it all. Like someone falling for someone else. Who really knows to handle these things? I mean, this is America. You know?

HALLEY: So what, your place is being fumigated again?

(disappointed) BUSTER: No, you can come tonight.

HALLEY: Alright, I'll see if I can bring a game. See you later.

ASHLEY: Bye Buster.

BUSTER: Toodles! Oh man, did I just say toodles? I'm losing it, man, I'm losing it. But Halley is just so dreamy that she...OH! You know what? I'm just going to ignore it. Forget about what may or may not happen, and by next week, everything will reset like it never happened.

RK: But what if it doesn't?

BUSTER: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT HAS TO!

(RK and Wade give Buster blank expressions)

RK: I was talking to Wade, man.

BUSTER: Oh. Carry on then.

(Buster speed walks out of view and leaves RK and Wade to their talk, still switched in each other's bodies.)

RK: Wade, I'm just saying, what if Jaylynn thinks we're trying to pull something?

WADE: She won't, that's why we don't need to do anything too weird. We just need to annoy her with how much we appreciate each other now that she will cease her meddling in our lives.

RK: Alright, so taking samples of each other's spit is out of the question?

WADE: What do you think?

RK: I'm just saying, that could have been the clincher.

SCENE 14

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Wade are in the same Elmo sleeping bag watching TV, looking very uncomfortable.)

WADE: I think this plan is going to yield fantastic results.

RK: You know, Wade, most people get their own sleeping bags but in this case, I guess we really needed to push it, didn't we?

WADE: Dude, what did you expect? We have to show Jaylynn how close we are now. Sleeping in the same sleeping bag is a stroke of genius on my part.

RK: Oh no, you and your swelled head. Stop listening to Kanye West records.

(KG walks down the stairs in his night robe and fuzzy slippers.)

(imitating Jay-Z) KG: The saga continues.

(KG walks past the boys and then turns back.)

KG: What's this I see?

RK: KG, it's not what it looks like.

KG: There shall be no homosexual writhing in this house!

WADE: KG, we're trying to put an end to Jaylynn's scheming so could you hit the bricks?

KG: You know what? Fine. But this cuddling session could get in the wrong hands. I know both your girlfriends!

WADE: You don't know Adriana.

KG: Oh yeah, right, but Anna will tell her about this.

RK: Okay, this is getting ridiculous! Why don't we just switch back and tell Jaylynn that we don't need her help anymore? Wade, are we best friends?

WADE: Of course we are.

RK: And do you still feel the need to pound some sense into me?

WADE: No, not really.

RK: See? We've passed the test. I appreciate you now more than I ever have before.

WADE: I do too. Your life is way more complicated than I thought. How do you deal with this guy?

RK: I don't know, man, it gets really hard sometimes.

KG: So are you two going to talk to Jaylynn tomorrow?

WADE: Seems like it.

(brief pause)

RK: You know, now that the pressure's off, I kinda want to cuddle now.

SCENE 15

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(With a huge chip on his shoulder, Buster walks into school hoping not to run into Halley. But he ends up bumping into a much worse fate: Sparky.)

SPARKY: Oh, hey Buster. I haven't seen too much of you lately.

BUSTER: AAAAAAH! HOHHHHH! HOOOOOO!

SPARKY: Are you okay, buddy?

BUSTER: Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm fine. WHY ARE YOU HASSLING ME, BRUH?!

SPARKY: Um, I don't think anyone's hassling you. Look, I just wanted to thank you for keeping Halley company these past few days. She is just in love with you.

BUSTER: In love? Great.

SPARKY: Yeah, don't think I haven't been keeping track of that. I know you guys have been having fun together, watching TV, all that good stuff. The cat's out of the bag now.

BUSTER: Shit, why can't the cat just stay in the bag?

SPARKY: Anyway, I can't owe you enough for this. There is no one I trust around Halley more than you.

BUSTER: Really? Thanks Sparks.

SPARKY: You're welcome, man. Give me a squeeze.

(Buster smiles and then hugs Sparky)

SPARKY: Now if you excuse me, I have some more work to get done. I decided to switch back science and math to their regular days. Things got way too unpredictable.

(Sparky walks away and Buster looks down at the floor, disappointed.)

SCENE 16

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Wade are talking to Jaylynn standing up while she is om the couch.)

WADE: So you see, Jaylynn, in the end we were able to work out our issues by ourselves.

RK: Yeah. We appreciate the concern and we love you, but next time, we'll solve our own problems.

JAYLYNN: But if the Body Swap made you two come together, then I was right.

RK: She has a point. Wade, what do we do? I didn't know she was going to have a point!

JAYLYNN: Look, guys, at the end of the day, these are your problems and you should be able to fix them. But I stepped in because if I didn't, you two would kill each other.

WADE: But that's kinda what we do. We handle our problems by going at it.

RK: Yeah, in some ways, it helps.

JAYLYNN: I guess. But you two are friends again so who cares?

WADE: Thank you for helping us, Jaylynn. We should have been more appreciative.

JAYLYNN: And I'm sorry for trying too hard to get you guys together. You're just more complicated than most people.

RK: Yeah, we have a lot of baggage but thanks for the help anyway.

JAYLYNN: Sure thing. Are you sure you guys don't want to go to Wade's place and switch back?

RK: I think that's a good idea.

WADE: A great one, in fact. According to two teachers, I've started falling behind.

RK: You're not blaming me, are you?

(Buster comes in at that moment with a look of concern.)

JAYLYNN: Buster, is everything okay?

BUSTER: No. It's terrible. I need to tell you guys something and I don't know how to put it.

RK: You're smoking weed now, big deal. Ask KG for advice, he knows where to get the filters.

BUSTER: It's not about drugs! It's about Halley.

WADE: Well, does she want to dump Sparky?

BUSTER: No.

RK: Is she cheating on Sparky, maybe with someone less attractive?

BUSTER: No.

JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. Do...do you have a crush on Halley?

BUSTER: Yes, it was me, I did it!

JAYLYNN: Aww, that's kinda cute. So when are you going to tell her?

BUSTER: When I'm 68 and my body is on the fritz.

WADE: You're going to keep it to yourself?

BUSTER: I have to! Halley is my best friend's girlfriend. If he finds out I like her, I lose my best friend and he's going to end up killing me in my sleep.

RK: Okay, this isn't the most ideal thing in the world, but maybe you should go for it.

BUSTER: What?

WADE: There's no way Halley will let anything happen. She loves Sparky too much.

RK: I'm not saying they should make out or anything. I think Buster should try to make a move and see what happens.

JAYLYNN: That's going to make things really awkward between them. I think he should just tell Halley how he feels.

BUSTER: Guys, I think I need more advice.

SCENE 17

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is on the couch talking to Anja.)

BUSTER: So, what do you think I should do?

ANJA: Well, I don't know squat about relationships, but I don't think you should hurt Sparky like that. At least keep it to yourself and see if it goes away.

BUSTER: Yeah, you have a point. But it's not going away and it's starting to get really scary.

(Lynne walks down the stairs at that moment.)

ANJA: You could always try not thinking about it.

(to Buster) LYNNE: Bitch, what are you doing here?

ANJA: LYNNE!

LYNNE: I'm sorry, that was a reflex. I only talk like that around Jaylynn.

BUSTER: YOU ONLY TALK LIKE WHAT AROUND JAYLYNN?!

SCENE 18

The Westboro Complex

Exterior Back Entrance

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is now seeking advice from The Talking Dumpster.)

BUSTER: So I'm just really confused over what to do. I like Halley, but I don't want to stab Sparky in the back.

TALKING DUMPSTER: Look, you love Sparky. You two have been best friends for years. You're going to find love someday, but Halley is not that someday. This is just a crush, you're not in love. So you need to do whatever you can to sneak into his house, and GET THAT COOKIE RECIPE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

BUSTER: Wait, what?

TALKING DUMPSTER: Sparky didn't give you credit for making the cookies with him. Now it's up to you to realize what the more important thing is: Winning the election, or staying friends with Jaylynn.

BUSTER: Yeah...this is something I should have done a long time ago.

(Buster pulls out a handgun and shoots The Talking Dumpster multiple times, presumably killing him. Buster then throws the gun away and walks away, while wearing a blank expression the entire time.)

SCENE 19

The Maria Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is having coffee with Gilcania.)

BUSTER: So what do you think?

GILCANIA: Well, from what you told me, I think that you should get this off your chest and tell Halley how you feel.

BUSTER: And then what happens? She tells Sparky and nothing will ever be the same again.

GILCANIA: You can't predict the future, honey. I don't want you to beat yourself up over this.

BUSTER: I guess. But I should probably sleep on it.

SCENE 20

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: Sparky, I have something to say.

SPARKY: What is it, man?

BUSTER: I, um...I don't want you to lose your head but...I have a crush on Halley.

SPARKY: You what?

BUSTER: I have a big fat crush on your girlfriend. I don't really want to, but I can't do anything about it.

SPARKY: You...have a crush on Halley?

BUSTER: Yeah.

(Sparky's left eye begins to twitch.)

SPARKY: YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

(Sparky tackles Buster and starts punching him in the face repeatedly, while Buster makes several moaning sounds of mercy. He then rips out his own hair, and while bald, takes off his shirt.)

SPARKY: I'll show you a motherf***ing crush, YOU DAMN GIGOLO!

(Sparky uses his shirt to whip Buster multiple times. Buster starts crying softly as Sparky's attack continues. He then wakes up screaming.)

BUSTER: AAAAAAHHHHHH! I can't tell Sparky. It would crush him.

(Buster notices a note on his dresser.)

BUSTER: What the hell? "The Westboro Complex is fining you $6.77 plus tax for murdering The Talking Dumpster. If you don't want to pay for the murder charge now, you can do it two months from now. Also, for the funeral, bring some lime gelatin..."

(Buster crumples up the note in anger, tosses it in the wastebasket and goes back to sleep.)

SCENE 21

Pete's Housse of Golff

Interior Golf Course

Seattle, Washington

(Buster and Halley are on the 4th hole. Halley sets up her ball and goes for a big swing, but it just barely misses the hole.)

HALLEY: Hmmmm. I need another stroke. Your turn, Buster.

(in his thoughts) BUSTER: What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I kiss her? Should I just pretend it's next week and everything is back to normal?

VOICE: Just go for it, bro.

(A wide-eyed Buster stares up at the giant little boy mannequin in front of him, that is actually behind the hole.)

HALLEY: It's your turn, man.

BUSTER: Halley...that boy is talking to me. HE KNOWS WHAT I KNOWS!

HALLEY: Buster, is everything okay?

VOICE: Just go for it, bro. Just go for it, bro.

(Buster, looking annoyed beyond belief, follows the sound and picks up a stuffed gorilla with a big toothy smile from the grass as it repeats: "Just go for it, bro." The camera goes back and forth between closeups of Buster and the gorilla.)

BUSTER: GAHHHHHH!

(Buster throws the gorilla into the air and it lands on a windmill, eventually being hoisted again in the air by the windmill's movement and flattened by the chainsaw of the course's groundskeeper.)

GROUNDSKEEPER: So did...did I kill them?

HALLEY: Buster, what's going on with you?

BUSTER: OKAY, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Halley, I have a serious crush on you. Every time I try to ignore it, I can't. I mean, you're so funny and sweet and you're one of the most beautiful girls I know. And I can't do anything about it.

HALLEY: You really like me that way?

BUSTER: Yes. I'm not even sure if I want to. So, to make things easier, couldn't you make a parallel universe where you and Sparky are just friends?

HALLEY: (chuckles) Well, Buster, I'm sorry but I can't. I'm not that good with my hands.

BUSTER: Oh, your soft hands.

HALLEY: Alright, here's the thing. I appreciate everything you just told me. I think it's really sweet. I also appreciate you admitting it instead of trying to make a move on me like other boys would.

BUSTER: Yeah. That. (Buster looks around and starts whistling)

HALLEY: But I love Sparky. It's been that way for a year and a half and I don't want to change that. You're a great guy, Buster. And pretty soon, you're going to make another girl really happy. It's just not me.

BUSTER: I guess I can live with that. Hey, don't you have a younger sister?

HALLEY: Dude, she's Lynne's age.

BUSTER: Well, she's taller than you, it works out.

(Halley hugs Buster, then kisses him on the cheek.)

BUSTER: What was that for?

HALLEY: For being there for me when I needed you. Sparky's really lucky to have you for a friend.

BUSTER: Yeah, he's really lucky to have me for a friend too. It just sucks how I still haven't found anyone new. I mean, I don't want to get desperate and try talking to Siri again.

CUTAWAY GAG

(Buster looks outside the window of his bedroom and sees rain.)

BUSTER: Is that rain?

SIRI: What do you think, dumbass? Look outside the window!

(Buster stares at his phone in shock, and then at the camera in confusion.)

SCENE 22

The MacDougal Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is watching Sparky get dressed up.)

BUSTER: So, a date night?

SPARKY: Yup. I'm telling you, man, I miss Halley like crazy. I hope you've been keeping her warm for me, haha.

BUSTER: Yup. You know, Sparky, Halley is everything you say she is. You're really lucky to have a girlfriend like her. Always remember that.

SPARKY: I will, man. And I'll always remember that my best friend was the one who told me. You know what, let me ask you something.

BUSTER: Shoot.

SPARKY: You ever think about Diana?

BUSTER: I did for a couple weeks, but then I just put it out of my mind. She was a psycho.

SPARKY: Yeah, she was. But don't worry. You're going to find someone way better.

BUSTER: I hope so. Well, you might as well get going before you're late.

SPARKY: Yeah, you're right. Hey, is something going on between RK and Wade? I heard they were fighting.

BUSTER: Yeah, they were. But they worked it out and now they're closer than they were before.

(The scene cuts to RK and Wade beating each other at RK's house while KG watches with a bored expression on the stairs. He simply walks up the stairs while flipping the two off.)

(black screen)

(in the backyard of Sparky's house) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Hey Nas" by Nas featuring Claudette Ortiz and Kelis playing in the end credits)

©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS