Transformers Robots in Disguise
By: White Rain
Disclaimer: I do not own Axis Power Hetalia.
Genre: CRACK
Character/Pairing: Ensemble; many implications but only Canada/Cuba is overt.
Timeline: 2010
Summary: AND THIS IS HOW AMERICA, JAPAN, RUSSIA AND ROBOTS ALMOST DESTROYED THE WORLD.
america, japan; jan. 2010
American banged open Japan's door loudly and it was only through years of practice of America barging into his house uninvited and without any warning that Japan didn't spill boiling water he was using to make rice.
Sighing, he was about to take out a second bowl for America, when the other nation grabbed his arm and pulled him into the living room -
Where, spread across the floor, were the plans that they'd been making together for the past fifty-some years.
"I don't have a lot of time," Japan started but stopped when he saw the gleeful look in America's eyes. "Unless we can - "
"Yes we can!" America said throwing a hand in the air, finally free again.
estonia, latvia, lithuania; feb. 2010
Latvia was sitting on the couch, leaning against Lithuania, shivering and shaking his head.
"Don't worry," Lithuania told him, comfortingly, hoping that Estonia came back soon. "Our reports say that Russia - um." Well the reports were bad, hence Latvia's shaking.
Luckily, at that moment, Estonia rushed into living room and dropped a file on the end table next to the couch. It read RB PL 2B. Lithuania knew that plan - well he knew all the plans by heart, it was just Estonia was better at figuring out which ones would work in a given situation.
"Are you sure?" Lithuania asked, quietly.
Estonia pushed up his glasses. He was nervous. "It's the best plan."
Latvia began to laugh softly. "I get to talk to North Korea."
Lithuania petted his hair awkwardly, hoping to calm him down and biting down the desire to nix that particular part of the plan. Estonia was avoiding meeting either one of them in the eye as he spoke:
"I'll talk to England and distract Poland."
Lithuania took a deep breath. "And I suppose that means I'll have to talk to China and... Russia."
france, england, canada; mar. 2010
"I can't say I'm surprised," France said after the clock ticked loudly, signaling that it was six, meaning America was an hour late.
England closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "America isn't usually punctual, no."
"Yes," France agreed, his smile turning into a nasty grin, "That's because you raised him - "
England gritted his teeth.
"and spoiled him like -"
France's voice was understandably cut off by England lunging across the table to strangle him.
Canada sighed loudly before sending a text message to Cuba:
PLANS R GOING DOWN. WANT 2 PICK ME UP?
england, america; apr. 2010
America slammed a folder on England's desk and opened it roughly. "Read it and weep!"
England already knew what was probably in the folder, but he glanced over it anyway. "What exactly are you trying to tell me?"
America jerked a finger in his face. "I told you North Korea isn't up to any good! See she's got nukes!"
England looked at the bags under America's eyes. "I don't agree that North Korea is a threat. I think you're reading way too much into things."
America's reply was, "Am not!"
England leaned back into his chair. "I'm reminded of our conversations with Iraq." America flinched. "And you look about as tired as you did then."
America jerked the files off England's table. "Fine. But you'll be sorry when North Korea blows up the world!"
"I assume I'll be dead then," England said, deadpanned. He wished he had some tea, it might help with his growing headache. "You should get some sleep." He began to fiddle with a pen that was in his table. "It's not healthy for you to stay up all hours of the night with Japan."
"How do you know that?" America frowned and hugged the folder closer to him and continued, sharply with an edge of panic, "Are you spying on me?"
Before he could fall into flow blown manic panic, England gave America his best 'you don't really think you can hide anything from me, do you?' look.
"So long as you aren't spying," America muttered as he walked out of the office.
England waited ten minutes to pass before drafting a letter to Lithuania.
n. italy, germany; may 2010
Germany was relaxing with a nice book in his bed when all hell broke lose.
"Germany!" Italy cried as he stormed into his house, "I have terrible news!" He rushed over into Germany's lap. "And it's not just that the economy is still so bad I can't get any good pasta!"
Germany bookmarked his book, figuring he'd be lucky to get to it by the end of the week.
Italy continued. "Russia annexed Spain and my brother was plotting to get him back - "
"What - "
"But England stopped him and now he's got a broken leg and France has already signed an agreement recognizing that Spain is now One With Russia!"
"What - "
"And China is helping the Baltic Nations built up a great wall! And North Korea is helping!"
"What - "
"And to make matters worse America is too busy spending all his time with Japan to notice."
Italy began to weep in Germany's chest, heart beating quickly against his, and shoulders heaving up and down. "We're all doomed!"
Germany patted him awkwardly. "I'm sure I can get to the bottom this."
Italy threw his arms around Germany and kissed him on the mouth. "I knew you could fix this!" He paused. "Did I mention the robots?"
lithuania, n. korea, and china; june 2010
"My reports say that Russia will be invading you tomorrow," China said.
"Mine match," Lithuania said. He poked at the food that China had given him.
"Is something wrong?" China asked. "Everything's going to plan, right?"
Lithuania gave him a tight smile. "That might be the problem." Before China could respond, Lithuania set down the chop sticks he'd been holding, "You're sure that my brother's will be safe, right?"
North Korea burst into the room. Her face, now fully filled out now that she had new allies to help with her food shortage, was covered in oil and her eyes were sparkling with glee. "This is going to be great. My best invention ever!"
China sighed. "It would probably be wisest to worry some."
russia, america, japan; july 2010
"This," America said and made the robot hold out one arm, "shall be our final battle!"
"Maybe not the final," Russia whispered.
America looked down, "Japan, can you turn up the volume some?"
Japan nodded sharply and twisted the dial.
"With this and the fourth cup holder, I don't know how I was able to invent anything without your help," America said.
"Thank you," Japan said. "But shouldn't we be focused on the battle?"
America narrowed his eyes and jerked forward. "You don't even have to remind me." He pulled back a lever so that their robot - loved but without a name yet since he he and Japan couldn't agree on one - drew out a sword.
"Not just yet," Russia said, causing America to grit his teeth in frustration.
Russia moved his laser gun to the wall surrounding Lithuania's borders. However, before he could even get even a few inches off, the wall exploded, throwing Russia's robot on the ground, in pieces.
"No fair!" America cried, "we didn't even get to fight."
canada, cuba; aug. 2010
"It turns out that Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, North Korea and China had rigged Lithuania's walls with some of North Korea's nuclear stuff, knowing that Russia would probably try and destroy it once he had Lithuania. And then," Canada said, "England was able to hack into America and Japan's robot with the plans that Lithuania had stolen and called him a git and demanded for him and Japan to come over right this minute."
Cuba took a long drink of his milkshake, eyes sparkling. "Then what happened?"
"No one will tell me anything beyond the fact there was a lot of yelling and Japan still hasn't shown his face to anyone," Canada said. He paused and then added, "Though that might because South Korea is on watch duty and he's killed himself."
Cuba looked disappointed until Canada pulled him into a shy kiss.