"I may not be able to control my erections around you, but that doesn't mean I want you."
Olivia sat on her couch, her ever present class of wine in hand, as she stared unseeing at the space in front of her. Much like the words Fitz spoke to her at Verna's funeral, Fitz's newest words to her—spoken yesterday—were on constant repeat in her mind. Olivia didn't think that anything could hurt her more than the words Fitz uttered ten months ago, but she was wrong. Despite the fact that she slapped him, Olivia was fully aware of what she was doing when she initiated the second kiss and started to pull at her suit jacked to get it off of her as quickly as she could.
She wanted him. Terribly. And in that closet after her goddaughter's Christening was a way for her to get what she wanted. However, his words at the end of their interlude stunned her. He reduced her to a whore as if what they did meant nothing to him. She liked to think that she knew better. If what they did had really meant nothing, he wouldn't have waited for her to get cleaned up and dressed. He wouldn't have opened the door for her and waited for to walk out first. Manner leave when one truly doesn't give a damn about you. But his words though…were like a knife to her heart. With the pain, came anger. How dare he open his mouth to say that to her? He didn't even really give her a chance to…
Her thoughts trailed off as she heard a knock on the door. She raised her wrist to look at her gold watch: 12:15am. She wasn't in the mood to entertain anyway, particularly unannounced guests—so she ignored the knock. Yet, whoever was on the other side of her apartment door didn't seem to get the memo, because the knocking because louder and more insistent. Olivia huffed. She had to at least go to the door, lest her neighbors started pitching a fit. After placing the wine glass on the table before her she got up and walked to the door. Olivia looked out of the door's peephole and gave a dry laugh; she should have known.
"What do you want?" she asked after opening the door. Standing before her was Fitz, looking unusually unkempt.
"Can I come in?" he asked, looking at her with a defiant gaze.
"Why, so that you can call me more names? I think I'll pass." Olivia motioned to close the door, but Fitz stuck his hand out to keep the door open.
"Olivia…please," said Fitz. He didn't plead with her, but he just sounded resigned, as if he were now ready to listen.
Olivia merely looked at him long and hard before she walked away from the open door back into the depths of her apartment. Fitz took that as an ok to enter and did so, shutting the door behind him. He walked further into the apartment until only a few paces separated him from Olivia. Olivia stood in front of her, her guard obviously up, for she had her arms crossed tight in front of her, as if she were shielding herself against any verbal jab Fitz saw fit to throw at her. It stung him, the fact that Olivia would feel like she would need to keep her defenses up. Yet, then again, he now needed to keep his defenses up against her—and that's something he never would have thought would ever happen.
"So, Mr. President, what do you want?" Olivia demanded.
Fitz sighed deeply. "I came to apologize for what I said today. It was below the belt and unnecessary."
Olivia huffed. "That's it? That's all you have to say? You grab me and pulled me into a damn electrical closet. What the fuck is your problem!?"
"Yea I did. And you slapped me. And I stood there waiting for your next move. You kissed me. You started taking off your clothes. You wanted it just as much as I did. I won't apologize for that." While he wasn't yelling, Fitz's voice was definitely rising to about a 7. She could see him take a deep breath and when he opened his mouth again, his voice was at a 3.
"I'm sorry for what happened after the fact. I shouldn't have said what I did."
"No, you shouldn't have. You pretty much told me that I was your whore, and a mere receptacle for … I can't even deal with this or you right now. Please lea—"
"Tell me about Defiance. Tell me now. You owe me at least that much. Or…maybe you don't," Fitz said as he ran a hand through his curls. "I just can't believe you would do that, do that to me."
"Fitz, I made a mistake—"
"A mistake? That's all you can say? You can't even say sorry? You can't apologize for the fact that my entire presidency is based on a lie? A lie all because five people wanted power and wanted to ride my coattails into the White House." Fitz stated sharply, his eyes cutting across her face like a sharp blade.
"Fitz that wasn't how—" Olivia tried to interrupt again, against at the words coming out of Fitz's mouth. Is that what he thought of her? That she used him?
"Olivia…" Fitz paused before continuing, as if he had to steel himself against the words that were about to come out of his mouth. "Did you ever love me at all? Was all of this," Fitz moved his hand back and forth between them, "a lie too?"
"Fitz! How can you even ask me that?" Olivia yelled at him, not caring about the volume in her voice, not caring that the neighbors could hear. "How dare you ask me that?! I love you! I've told you and I've shown you how much I love you!"
"Have you really? Olivia what am I supposed to think? You've always put my presidency before us. When I wanted a divorce last year you schemed with Mellie to create this whole "America's Baby" nonsense. Don't get me wrong—I love my son. Teddy is a joy and has been the one thing that's gotten me through the last ten months. But Liv—Teddy should have been OUR son," Fitz paused when he heard Olivia's breath hitch. "He should have been ours. But no, you scheme with Mellie. That's not even the first time you've put the presidency over us. What happened to "we're in this together?" hmmm? You finally tell me you love me and then the next day all I get is a fucking formal resignation letter? Not even a phone call or hidden note somewhere explaining how you could tell me we're in this together one day and be gone the next."
"Fitz—" Olivia couldn't get another word in, as Fitz was on a role, laying all of his burdens and thoughts before her.
"I told to tell me what to do and I'd do it. All you wanted was for me to let you go. And then, just last week you tell me that I don't know you, I don't know what you've done. Maybe you are right. Maybe I don't know you. So yes, Olivia, I dare to ask you if you ever loved me. If you ever believed in me. Or was I just the feather in your cap that you needed to start OPA? You can't tell me that the fact that you "helped make a President" hasn't helped with getting OPA off of the ground. I know you are the "great Olivia Pope" but the publicity from the campaign and being my press secretary had to have helped. Did you just want to use me like everyone else, Olivia?" This last question left his mouth in the form of a broken almost whisper. Olivia could see that he was holding back tears as his eyes were full of water. But, he held on, not wanting her to see him cry.
Olivia felt horrible, and her face belied that feeling. Her face was slack and she was slightly pale. She swayed, and for a minute Fitz thought she was going to faint. He stepped forward and reached out a hand to grab her, but was halted by a hand of her own.
"What exactly do you know about Defiance, Fitz?" Olivia asked, wanted to find out what Fitz had been told, and by whom, in order to go from there.
"No, you tell me your side of the story. I've already gotten two accounts, and now I want to hear yours. Just tell me the truth. Please…I'm begging you," Fitz finished, dejected. After his plea he sat on her couch with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.
So Olivia began to relay the whole story starting from the point in the general election campaign when Hollis first brought up the idea of the rigging the voting machines.
"Cyrus was intrigued but I told him no. And every week he'd bring it up again. Given that you weren't fairing well in the polls, Cyrus became even more taken with the idea. Then Verna was there and she was for it. And then Mellie….Mellie was for the idea as well. I was the only hold out, Fitz. Then, Cyrus told the group of us that the decision had to be unanimous—and because they knew I was against the idea, it dropped for a few days. And then…it came up again, despite the fact that the poll difference between you and Reston was decreasing," Olivia paused and gave a wry laugh. "Do you know they asked me what I wanted? They did. One by one they each went down the line and declared what they would get if you won. Verna would get to be a SCOTUS judge; Hollis would be owed a favor; Cyrus would be Chief of Staff, and Mellie would get to be first lady. When they asked me what I wanted my mouth just dropped." Olivia paused.
"Months ago when Verna was still alive I visited her in the hospital and we spoke about Defiance. She rattled off what each person gained but when she got to me she told me that she didn't know what I'd gotten. And Fitz—that's because I didn't get anything. I didn't want anything more than to see you happy. I was the only one who didn't get into this for selfish reasons." Olivia finished and waited for Fitz to say something.
Fitz picked of his head from his hands. "So you did it to make me happy? Why Olivia? I didn't even want to run a dirty campaign, yet you thought I'd be ok with this? Olivia I don't understand. Yes, I would have been upset for a while if I lost. Wouldn't anyone? But if I lost….I could have gotten a divorce. We could have had almost three years together by now…" Fitz trailed off, still in disbelief.
"Fitz, I saw how you looked when your father came onto the campaign. You were dejected, you started drinking. You practically mauled me in that damn elevator—"
"I've apologized numerous times for that—"
"Yes I know you have and obviously I forgave you. I know you wouldn't have hurt me. Your father being there pretty much made you revert to the 10 year old boy whose heart his father was constantly breaking. I get it. But Fitz, what he told you that you would never achieve what he did or be as great as him….and then he died…I just couldn't let you think that your father was right. So, at the eleventh hour I agreed. I said yes. And the machines in Defiance were rigged and you won Ohio's electoral college votes by 4,359 popular votes."
Fitz just sat there taking everything in. And then he started laughing, the sort of crazy and deranged laughter that comes out of person's mouth before they have a break down.
"Olivia…regardless of your reasoning, I'm still what my father said I was. A loser. I should have lost that election and you should have let me lose. Now, I sit in the White House as an unelected president. Do you know how hard it has been for me to continue to be president these last ten months knowing that I shouldn't be there? I've wanted to resign so many times…." Fitz trailed off.
"No! Fitz, don't. Please believe me when I say that you are a great president. When I told you that I thought you'd make a great president on the day of your father's funeral I meant it with everything I had. And I still believe it. You've done wonderful things in your first term. Please don't let our actions make you feel that these years have been a waste. Please….at the very least, finish your term." Olivia pleaded with him, still standing in front of him.
"I don't even know who to trust anymore. How can I run a country when the people that were supposed to be my confidants did something like this? Cyrus was my right hand, and now I can't stand the sight of him. Mellie…well Mellie is Mellie, so that's not even as big of an issue. And you….Olivia…you were…everything. And you took that away from me." The last sentence came out of his mouth with a sort of finality that Olivia, perhaps naively, didn't expect to hear. And it raised her hackles.
"You want to talk about taking things away? How about the fact that you, by calling me your mistress, by saying that the fact that you couldn't control your erections around me didn't mean we weren't done, took something away from me? You made me feel like shit, Fitz. You called me your mistress knowing that it would hurt me. That's the lowest of the low. At the very least, I've never done anything to intentionally hurt you like you did then and yesterday!" Olivia screamed all of this at him, wanting her opportunity to lay down everything she'd been feeling as well.
Fitz got up from his hunched position on the couch and stood in front of her. "You're right. I knew what I was saying. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to be in as much pain as I was on the day of Verna's funeral. I wanted you to feel the pain that I felt yesterday—the pain of still wanting someone so badly but knowing they didn't give a shit about you."
Olivia paused, choosing to ignore his second statement for the moment. "And to call me your mistress…after I finally decided to stop running and wait for you. How could you? Why didn't you just tell me then that you knew?"
"Why didn't you tell me about Defiance yourself, Liv?" Fitz asked her. Olivia opened her mouth to talk, but Fitz stopped her. "Do you remember the Keating debacle? You know, I spoke to his wife after everything. And she told me that you were the one that advised her to tell her husband the truth. She said that you explained that if her husband heard the news from someone else it'd break his heart. Why couldn't you follow your own advice, Olivia? I'm not saying that I wouldn't have been angry, but I would have preferred hearing it from me than a woman who tried to have me killed." Fitz stood there and watched Olivia's face, hoping that he could still read her.
"Yea I said that. And I should have taken my own advice and told you. But Fitz, what about what you said to me? You told me that love allows for forgiveness. Was that a lie? Were you just saying that when it was you needing to be forgiven for your dalliance with Amanda Tanner?" Olivia questioned him, her voice both hard and hopeful at the same time.
Once again Fitz ran a hand through his curls and huffed as he started pacing. "No, Olivia. I meant it. I forgive you…because despite what I said yesterday and months ago, I love you. I think I will always love you. And, I believe your account of Defiance," Fitz paused and turned to face Olivia.
"I forgive you…but I don't know if I can trust you anymore Olivia. I'm lost here….I have to go," Fitz turned to leave and felt a tug on his arm. How could Olivia have gotten so close to him that fast?
"Fitz," Olivia said after Fitz turned around to face her. "I forgive you. I do. I love you. And you love me. We can move past all of this, can't we?"
"No we can't…" Fitz turned around and grabbed the door knob.
"God dammit Fitz! Why can't we? We both fucked up—some may argue me more than you. Fine. But we've forgiven each other. We can grow from this. We can regain trust on both our ends. What's your problem, why are you holding back?" Olivia demanded, on the verge of tears. Yet another time she put herself out there and threw caution to the wind and this is what she gets?
"Because I doubt you want to start over and take up with a murderer, would you?" he responded, once again turning around to face her.
Olivia's mouth hung open. She hadn't heard him correctly, had she? "Fitz, what are you talking about?" The works came out of her mouth slowly and deliberately.
"Verna. I killed her, Liv. I killed her…"
"What? No, she was dying…"
"And I "sped up the process" so to speak. She was going to talk to the AUSA about Defiance. First I was going to walk away but then I snapped. She wanted to protect her legacy while ruining mine." Fitz stopped talking for a minute and looked Olivia in the eye. "She brought up my father, said she owed it to him to do this. Her saying that…well, I snapped. And while I didn't necessarily do it for any of you at the time, all three of you would have been in jail. So…I killed her. Took off her oxygen mask and held her hands down and just watched her struggle for breath." Fitz finished, happy that this weight was off of his shoulders.
"So tell me, Olivia, do you still forgive me?" He questioned her.
Olivia could only stand there, still in shock at what she's just been told. She couldn't that Fitz did what he did. Even still, though, she had to tell him. "I love you, Fitz."
Fitz laughed. "And I love you. But I think we are at an impasse for now, aren't we?"
Olivia just stared at him. And Fitz turned, opened the door and walked away.
A/N: So I wanted to tell this story because, IMO, I felt that many people didn't seem to understand why Fitz was as angry with Liv as he was. I felt like people forgot that his whole presidency was based on a lie and finding that out would rock any person's world—particularly if you find out the love of your love was involved in this. Yes, we as an audience know that Liv did it for love. But Fitz doesn't—and I tried to lay out the reasons why it would look to Fitz like Liv did it for gain (and hopefully I did a good job of doing so). But in doing this, I wanted Liv to have her say too. Essentially, I tried to be fair to both of their feelings and not be one sided. Also, as I am a fan of saying, I wanted them both to lay their burdens down before each other.
I hope you all enjoyed this one shot. If you're reading, I'd appreciate a review. Thanks! xoxo