DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOOOOTHING. UNFORTUNATELY.
Post 10x22 "The Prisoner." This is gonna be an angsty fic y'all. Not for the faint of heart. I'm talking about physical and emotional abuse, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Also includes Mpreg Sam, Sam whumpage, angst, Dark Dean, MOC Dean, angst, many tears, Sastiel friendship, and angst. Did I mention angst?
Try to hear my voice
You can leave, now it's your choice
Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right
Maybe if I leave tonight, I won't come back
I said it before, I won't say it again
Love is a game to you, it's not pretend
Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right
Can nobody hear me?
I got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?
You kiss and you kiss
And you love and you love
You got a history list and the rest is above
And if you're warm, then you can't relate to me
From the floor to the floor
And the sky to the sky
You've got to love and adore and the rest is awry
And if you're warm, then you can't relate to me
-"Hear Me" by Imagine Dragons
"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there."
"You know what, Dean? I wish it was."
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
Sam stood in front of the bathroom mirror staring at his still flat stomach. It wouldn't be for too much longer. He absentmindedly ran a hand over it, trying to imagine what it would look like when it begins to swell. Logically, he knew it would, but he just couldn't picture it. He'd taken the test four times over but still had trouble wrapping his head around it.
It had been six weeks since he'd first found out. Three since they'd put Charlie to rest. By Sam's calculations he was about two months along; he hadn't actually gone to see a doctor. Couldn't muster up the willpower. Did having something he already knew confirmed really matter when the most important thing was getting the Mark off his brother?
Getting the Mark of Cain off Dean was his first priority.
But still… when he lay awake at night, he couldn't but wonder what it would be like if he managed to scrounge up enough courage to tell Dean. He'd wanted to so, so bad, but then—
"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there."
Everything fell apart after that. Dean went on a rampage, killing all the Stines in cold blood. The Stines had needed to be dealt with, and he couldn't really blame his brother; he'd wanted revenge too… just not like that. That had been a massacre.
Dean had been avoiding Sam almost completely since then. He was almost never at the bunker anymore, taking off god knew where and not coming back for days on end. The one time he'd tried to ask Dean where he went he'd gotten a punch in the face as a response. He didn't know what else to do, so he stood there silently as his brother walked away.
'I'll tell him next time,' Sam thinks. But every time Dean wanders in like a stray cat the words get caught in his throat and they feel like they're slowly choking the life out of him every time he opens his mouth. What was he supposed to say anyway? 'Hey, I know you hate me more than anything right now and wish I was nothing more than ash, and oh yeah, we still have to get that pesky Mark of Cain off you before you become a demon again, but we're having a baby! Great timing, right?'
Yeah, no.
So Sam keeps his mouth shut and lets his tears fall in silence where no one can see him.
It was in such a moment that Cas dropped in to see Sam for the first time since they'd received Charlie's email and relayed it to Rowena.
Sam was looking through the Men of Letters library for what had to be the hundredth time when he came across a small paperback book hidden between two large hardcover tomes. Curious, he pulled it out and blew gently over it to dust it off. Finally able to read the title, he could see that it was a pregnancy book from the fifties.
There were so many more important things he could be doing right now. Things he should be doing. Like, trying to save his brother. After several minutes of internal debate, Sam's thirst for knowledge won out and he opened to the first page. Written in an elegant scrawl on the inside cover were a pair of initials: H.W.
Henry Winchester? It was certainly from the right time period…
He quickly turned the page, and the next one, and the next one, until before he knew he was on chapter ten. Henry Winchester had written notes in the margins of the pages throughout the entire book, almost like a journal, and Sam was entirely engrossed. It wasn't until he came across a passage detailing the moment when Henry found out his wife was pregnant that the spell was broken.
She pulled me into our bedroom, lifted up her shirt to show me her ever so slightly rounded belly, and grabbed my hand only to gently set it on her stomach. Then she whispered the four most beautiful words I have ever heard with the most beautiful smile I had ever seen written across her face, "We're having a baby."
The burn of tears in his eyes surprised Sam and before he knew it the tears were spilling over. He wiped at his eyes, trying to stop, but they just kept coming and coming, as if a damn had finally broken. And then he just gave up. He gave in to the trembling and the sobs and let them take over. Why should he care, he was alone. So alone. More alone than he had ever been, really. The thought made him cry even harder.
Cas found him like that, bawling like a baby. Sam hadn't even noticed the angel's presence, too wrapped up in his own misery. Because he was never going to be able to have that moment with Dean. Never going to be able to say 'we're having a baby' and have Dean smile at him like he was giving him the greatest gift he'd ever received. He'd imagined it like that once, late at night as he'd tried to fall asleep. He'd had nightmares that night.
A feather light touch of a hand on his shoulder alerted Sam that he wasn't alone in the library. He shot out of his chair and tried to blink away the blurriness left by tears. When he saw that it was only his friend he breathed a small sigh of relief, urging his heart to calm down. He rubbed at his swollen eyes before turning to the angel.
"Hey Cas, what are you, uh, what are you doing here?" Sam asked, avoiding the concerned blue eyes boring into him.
"I came to check on Dean's, and your, well-being. Sam, are crying. Why are you crying?" The angel asked bluntly.
"It's, um," Sam cleared his throat while trying to think of something, anything to say to make this less awkward, "It's nothing. It's fine, I'm not crying anymore, so…" Even he thought his attempt was lame.
"Humans do not cry when nothing is wrong. Something must be wrong. Tell me what is wrong, Sam, I wish to help."
Sam bit his lip. Should he tell Cas? No, he couldn't, because he might tell Dean, and Dean can't know. At least, not until the Mark was gone, then maybe…
The angel took a step forward, only to trip on a book left forgotten on the floor. He managed to right himself before he collided with the table, but nearly crashed into Sam's abdomen in the process—
"Cas, what happened? Are you okay? I don't think I've ever seen an angel trip before." Sam said, offering a hand to help him up.
The angel took it and blurted out in one fast breath, "Sam, you are pregnant."
Sam froze, a steady chorus of 'oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit' running through this head. He opened his mouth to deny it, but immediately realized the futility of it. Cas was an angel. The most he could do was beg him not to tell Dean.
"How'd you know?" Sam asked quietly.
"I can feel it. A soul slowly forming inside you. It's so small that I did not immediately sense it before, not until I was close to your abdomen."
"Please don't tell Dean, please Cas. He has enough to deal with right now," Sam pleaded. "He's not really himself and I'm… I'm scared of what he'll do."
"Scared? Dean would never hurt you, not intentionally," Cas cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy.
"I'm not scared that he'll hurt me physically, Cas," Sam chuckled bitterly. He swallowed back tears that threatened once again to fall. "I'm scared that he won't care. That would hurt most of all."
Cas visited him often after that. He popped in almost every day, just to check in on Sam. Sometimes he'd even stay for dinner. Other times he'd help him with research, retrieving the heaviest tomes so Sam wouldn't have to lift them. He told Cas that he was barely pregnant and lifting something like that wouldn't do anything to the baby, but the angel wasn't having any of it. His motherhenning was kind of… cute.
It was almost how he imagined Dean would act.
"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there."
That line of thinking wouldn't get him anywhere, so Sam turned back to research.
It wasn't until a stormy night when he was four months along that Sam realized just how much he'd begun to depend on the angel.
Dean had come home that night, a rare occurrence, so Sam had tried to get him to talk. Again. This time he'd be able to get it right and tell his brother.
"Dean, we need to talk," Sam said softly as he entered the kitchen where he'd heard Dean moving around shortly after his arrival.
"Didn't Cas give you the message? I told you to stay away from me." His voice was colder than Sam remembered it ever being. He proceeded to ignore Sam and shift through the fridge, shoulders tense. "Where the fuck is the beer?"
"I just need to tell you something, and then you can… you can go, if that's what you want, okay?"
"What I want is a goddamn beer and for you to get out of my way," Dean hissed. "FUCK!" He shouted and proceeded to throw everything out of the fridge. Bottles, cans, condiments, and leftover food ended up on the floor and the wall with enough force to unnerve Sam.
"Dean, STOP!" Sam yelled as he dodged an old head of lettuce thrown his way. His brother paused, and he breathed a sigh of relief, thinking it was all over. He wasn't paying enough attention to dodge the bottle of soda. It hit him on his left shoulder; glass getting lodged painfully in his skin and soda spilling everywhere. "STOP IT ALREADY!"
"Oh, I'll stop." Dean slowly turned around and stalked toward Sam menacingly. This wasn't his brother. This was a predator. He didn't stop until he had Sam backed up against a corner, shaking. He pulled his fist back, punching Sam again and again and again. "I'll stop when you stop letting everyone we've ever cared about die. I'll stop when you stop fucking up everything good in our lives. I'll tell you one last time: I don't wanna see your face again."
With that, Dean turned and walked away.
"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there."
For some stupid reason Sam's legs wouldn't listen to him and he slid to the floor in a puddle of sticky soda. His entire body hurt and he couldn't see out of his left eye and his shoulder was fucking burning, but he couldn't bring himself to move. He prayed for the ground to swallow him whole. That would be kinder than this.
"Sam, what's going on? I heard your prayer, you sound like you're in pain—SAM?" The angel rushed over to his friend and assessed the damage. There was quite a bit of glass sticking out of his shoulder, oozing blood, but nothing life threatening. It appeared most of the damage done was psychological, judging by the trembling and the way Sam had trouble catching his breath.
"Did Dean do this?" Cas asked softly. His friend looked like he would break into pieces at any moment.
After several moments of tense silence, in which Cas was sure he wasn't going to get an answer, Sam nodded slightly.
That made Cas' blood boil and heart hurt at the same time. They needed to get the Mark of Cain off Dean NOW. In the meantime, all he could do was heal Sam and be there for him.
"I can heal your arm… but I'm not sure if I can heal everything else," Cas admitted. When he merely received another terse nod in response he got to work, putting a gentle finger on Sam's forehead.
His shoulder was completely healed, and he could see out of his eye again, but he would still definitely have a black eye for several days. Sam would take what he could get.
Cas stayed by Sam's side the entire night. He refused to leave when Dean could come back at any minute.
He stood watch in a chair next to Sam's bed as they listened to the rain and thunder together. Cas idly thought it was a beautiful melody. When the nightmares started he entwined Sam's hand in his and stayed like that through the rest of the night, calming him whenever he would call out Dean's name.
When Sam was five months along, nearly six, he felt the baby kick for the first time.
He and Cas were in the library, another day of research since Cas refused to let Sam do anything else. He was reaching for a book on a shelf that was high even for him when he felt this… this fluttering in his stomach that quickly grew more intense until it felt like a tiny little kick. The shock of it took his breath away more than anything, causing him to gasp.
"Sam? Is something wrong?" Cas hurried to Sam's side, automatically checking him over for injury.
"No, Cas, it's just…" Sam struggled to catch his breath. "The baby, it's kicking!" The realization that it was actually his baby (his and Dean's baby) moving made his lips curve up into a small, tentative smile.
"That's, that's incredible," Cas smiled along with him. He stared at Sam's stomach intently, which was covered by a tee shirt big even on Sam and a baggie hoodie. Sam noticed this, and a thought occurred to him.
"Did you wanna, uh, feel it?" Sam asked awkwardly.
"Feel the baby kicking?"
"Yeah, go ahead. It's okay, it won't bite," Sam chuckled, and the action shocked him. He shouldn't be feeling this light when Dean was god knew where doing god knew what and he wasn't even himself anymore—
He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice Cas bending over slightly until his hands were already on his stomach. He looked like he was concentrating intensely, but after a couple minutes pulled away with a heavy sigh. "I can't feel anything."
He looked so disappointed that Sam took pity on him. "Here." Sam pulled up his hoodie and shirt and pulled Cas' hands onto his bare skin. Once again the angel appeared to be concentrating, closing his eyes as he felt he swell of Sam's stomach. It was a very small swell; Cas had encouraged Sam to eat more, but he just couldn't hold it down. He'd had persistent problems with morning sickness his whole pregnancy.
"I feel it!" Cas exclaimed with a bright smile on his face, nearly startling Sam. "I can feel it kicking, and I can feel its soul… Sam, this child's soul… it's going to be beautiful. I know it."
For the first time in months, Sam smiled a genuine smile from ear to ear.
Dean came home again that night.
Sam hadn't been expecting it, so his guard was down when his brother nonchalantly strode into the kitchen once again. God, but he'd missed his brother so much, and when he saw him it took all his strength to ignore the urge to run to him and pull him into a hug. But his wasn't Dean, not really. He could tell just by his stance and his cold eyes that nothing had changed since last time.
"Dean what are you doing here?" Sam asked hesitantly, avoiding blatantly staring.
"I live here. Heck, I have more of a right to be here than you do," Dean shot back. He ignored Sam and went straight to the fridge.
"We need to talk. No getting out of it this time, just listen to me-"
"So what, so you can tell me you fucked up again? Did you get someone else killed? Who is it this time, Cas?" Dean sneered.
"Will you listen to me for one goddamn minute?" Sam shouted. "I'm-"
"I. Don't. Care. What. You. Are." Dean struck out faster than Sam could see and landed a blow to Sam's side, narrowly missing his stomach. Sam fell to the floor, cradling his stomach, and immediately struggled to get back up. Dean wouldn't let him. He kicked and he kicked until Sam was sure he had broken ribs. But he refused to let Dean land a blow to his stomach.
Dean noticed this, and it pissed him off. "What's wrong, Sammy? Got a stomach ache? Maybe I can make that better for ya." He stomped on one of Sam's hands protecting his stomach until he heard a crunch. Sam pulled it away, crying out, and he took the opportunity to land a particularly hard blow directly to Sam's stomach.
Sam screamed.
It should have felt good, it was what he wanted, but the broken sobs coming out of his little brother just felt… wrong.
"Cas," Sam sobbed. "CAAAASSS!"
Why was he calling for that sorry angel? Where was the satisfaction he was supposed to feel after feelings bones snap and break under him?
Blood began to seep from somewhere out of Sam's body. It started slow but then it started coming faster and faster until it was a nice puddle on the floor. This confused Dean and made him pause. He didn't remember hurting Sam that bad. And it looked like it was coming from Sam's …jeans? What the fuck? Everything felt wrong and Dean felt himself growing pissed in response.
"Sam? What hap—oh my god." Cas appeared in the kitchen before them, dropping to his knees in horror in the moment he saw Sam's state. He noticed he'd dropped into something sticky and it took him a moment to realize it was blood.
"Cas, save him, save him, you have to save him," Sam choked out. He was about to pass out, but he had to tell Cas to save his son. It wasn't a sure thing, but Cas and he agreed that the baby felt like a boy. If he died, Sam would die too.
"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there."
He'd welcome it.
The last thing he heard before the darkness swallowed him whole was Cas whispering that everything would be okay, that he'd heal this…
Dean didn't like this. It was all wrong. Sam should not be desperate for the angel like that. Cas should not touch Sam so familiarly like that. Sammy was his.
Sammy?
For a moment, it felt like something was about to break through the red haze of anger and rage.
Cas gently picked up Sam in his arms, and the moment was gone. "Don't touch him," he growled.
The angel turned to him with a considerable amount of rage of his own. "You did this! Because of your misguided attempts to fight alone, Sam's… I need to take him to the emergency room."
"I said don't touch him!" Dean made a move towards him, as if to grab Sam from him, but Cas stepped back.
"Hurt him one more time and I don't know if I will be able to respect Sam's wishes to resolve this as painlessly as possible for you. And Dean?"
"What," he spat.
"I hope you're content with your loneliness, because you probably just killed your own son. Sam is pregnant."
With the sound of wings beating, he was gone.
"You're lucky. Another inch to the right and you would have lost both your children." The doctor put a sonogram photo on display for Sam and Cas to see.
"There were… two?" Sam whispered, speaking for the first time since waking up in a hospital bed.
The doctor nodded. "Baby B was very sneaky and hid behind and a little to the right of Baby A. Thus, Baby A received the brunt of the force… you did say this happened as a result of a mugging, right?"
Sam nodded idly and turned to the window by his bed. He could hear the doctor rambling about how it was a miracle and prenatal care but didn't really care. He could feel the weight of Cas' concerned eyes on him, but couldn't bring himself to comfort him. Nothing was going to be alright after this.
"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there."
Sam really wished it was, too.
I would love you to infinity and back if you left a review on your way out and let you know your thoughts! Thanks for reading! Until I post the next chapter whenever I stop being lazy! :)