This is a fic I started like... a year ago or something, but I only really ever liked the first chapter. So I'm doing it again, and I'm going to rework the next ones and this time I will for sure have a definite plot in mind. Yah. It won't suck this time, either. Hopefully.
Warning: Incredible amounts of angst follow.
I don't own Cowboy Bebop. If I did, I wouldn't be struggling for scholarships.
***
My Beautiful
Chapter One- Life's a bitch, then you die
I've seen the movies. We all have. The romance movies, where two star-crossed lovers, destined to be together, finally surrender to a night of passion. They wake up the next morning, in each other's arms, and smile at each other. Their bodies are entwined, wrapped in cool white sheets, and the wind blows the billowing white curtains open, letting sunlight and birdsong in, and the tender music is going full force. They smile sweetly at one another, and all is right with the world.
That's how it's supposed to go. Not like this. It shouldn't be raining, the bed shouldn't be this creaky horror, and I shouldn't be waking up next to this... thing. This cheap man, in this cheap motel room, with the neon red vacancy sign burning itself into my retina. I shouldn't need a cigarette this much.
Once again, the circle of disgust is renewed. Slowly, so as not to wake whoever the hell it is I debauched myself with last night, I collect my clothes and flee from the scene of my destruction. I've lost track of all the nights this has happened, they're too many to count, even if I had been sober for all of them. Which I most definitely was not. This cycle is an everlasting track of filth, and I couldn't escape. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to. Probably not. It keeps my mind off of... certain things. If I don't have to think, I won't think of him. And thinking of him is what I want to avoid most.
But this can't go on much longer, I'm just a used up shell now, my mind has retreated, leaving my body to fend for itself, supplying my base needs. The world is just a whirl of bright lights, bad liquor, worse company, and cheap cigarettes. I hide in bars and clubs, hidden worlds of lust, where no one goes home alone. I can't remember the last time I actually ate. It was probably last night, but I never know. The remains of my beaten brain send a signal to my pounding body, and my body obeys, but now I wonder if my body is slave to my brain, or is my brain the one in chains?
I wish I could leave, I want to leave, but my body has been in charge for too long. My brain cannot control it anymore. I guess I'm waiting for something. My prince in shining armor, complete with white horse accessory package. But there are no princes anymore, not in my world of sin. The only prince I'd ever known was not destined to be my dream, but was lost in the dream of another, more worthy princess.
I was no longer worthy of any of his love, not that he could save me anyway. My degraded, dirty body is fit only to go through these corrupted motions, again and again, until I die of alcohol poisoning, or drug overdose, or both. What a pitiful end Faye Valentine has come to. And for a while I thought I showed some real promise.
Stopping at a street corner, I light up another cigarette, and die in my addiction. A long release of smoke, and I feel a bit better. Take a puff and all your worries disappear, lose yourself to the nicotine. Breathe in smoke, blow out life. I walk slowly down the street, the only thing covering me is the shame of my life, and my clinging, flowing, ever present companion.
I'm slowly starting to realize that my prince will never come. Once again, the only thing that will get me out of this is myself. Companions just abandon you, they die, they leave you out in the cold. The problem is, how do you save yourself when you're your only enemy?
Something will have to be done.
**
I told you it was angsty, yes? But I promise that it'll get better, we all know that Faye's stronger than that! Go Faye! Anyway, review me! Favorable reviews are good, but so are criticisms, just let loose!
~val~
Warning: Incredible amounts of angst follow.
I don't own Cowboy Bebop. If I did, I wouldn't be struggling for scholarships.
***
My Beautiful
Chapter One- Life's a bitch, then you die
I've seen the movies. We all have. The romance movies, where two star-crossed lovers, destined to be together, finally surrender to a night of passion. They wake up the next morning, in each other's arms, and smile at each other. Their bodies are entwined, wrapped in cool white sheets, and the wind blows the billowing white curtains open, letting sunlight and birdsong in, and the tender music is going full force. They smile sweetly at one another, and all is right with the world.
That's how it's supposed to go. Not like this. It shouldn't be raining, the bed shouldn't be this creaky horror, and I shouldn't be waking up next to this... thing. This cheap man, in this cheap motel room, with the neon red vacancy sign burning itself into my retina. I shouldn't need a cigarette this much.
Once again, the circle of disgust is renewed. Slowly, so as not to wake whoever the hell it is I debauched myself with last night, I collect my clothes and flee from the scene of my destruction. I've lost track of all the nights this has happened, they're too many to count, even if I had been sober for all of them. Which I most definitely was not. This cycle is an everlasting track of filth, and I couldn't escape. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to. Probably not. It keeps my mind off of... certain things. If I don't have to think, I won't think of him. And thinking of him is what I want to avoid most.
But this can't go on much longer, I'm just a used up shell now, my mind has retreated, leaving my body to fend for itself, supplying my base needs. The world is just a whirl of bright lights, bad liquor, worse company, and cheap cigarettes. I hide in bars and clubs, hidden worlds of lust, where no one goes home alone. I can't remember the last time I actually ate. It was probably last night, but I never know. The remains of my beaten brain send a signal to my pounding body, and my body obeys, but now I wonder if my body is slave to my brain, or is my brain the one in chains?
I wish I could leave, I want to leave, but my body has been in charge for too long. My brain cannot control it anymore. I guess I'm waiting for something. My prince in shining armor, complete with white horse accessory package. But there are no princes anymore, not in my world of sin. The only prince I'd ever known was not destined to be my dream, but was lost in the dream of another, more worthy princess.
I was no longer worthy of any of his love, not that he could save me anyway. My degraded, dirty body is fit only to go through these corrupted motions, again and again, until I die of alcohol poisoning, or drug overdose, or both. What a pitiful end Faye Valentine has come to. And for a while I thought I showed some real promise.
Stopping at a street corner, I light up another cigarette, and die in my addiction. A long release of smoke, and I feel a bit better. Take a puff and all your worries disappear, lose yourself to the nicotine. Breathe in smoke, blow out life. I walk slowly down the street, the only thing covering me is the shame of my life, and my clinging, flowing, ever present companion.
I'm slowly starting to realize that my prince will never come. Once again, the only thing that will get me out of this is myself. Companions just abandon you, they die, they leave you out in the cold. The problem is, how do you save yourself when you're your only enemy?
Something will have to be done.
**
I told you it was angsty, yes? But I promise that it'll get better, we all know that Faye's stronger than that! Go Faye! Anyway, review me! Favorable reviews are good, but so are criticisms, just let loose!
~val~