Not entirely sure I even tried to develop a plot here. Oh well.
"Everyone got a wristband? Good. Once you've got those on, listen for your name and come up with your partner to get your baby," Mr. Hopkins said. "In an effort to be more socially aware-" he rolled his eyes - "we've put together some heterosexual pairs and some homosexual pairs. The assignments were random and no, you cannot switch partners, I don't care what reason you have. Got it?"
Murmurs of displeasured understanding ran through the room.
"Awesome. Great. Whatever. Anderson and Hummel, come get your baby," he continued.
Kurt nearly fell out of his desk in shock.
"A husband and a baby all in one day? Things are really looking up," Blaine said, walking up to Kurt's desk from his seat at the back of the room and shooting him a devastating smile. "You want a son or a daugher, gorgeous?"
"Husband?" Kurt parroted, thrown for another loop by Blaine's nonchalance.
"I'm thinking a little girl," Blaine said, ignoring Kurt's gaping mouth. He wandered over to Mr. Hopkins's desk and grabbed a pink-clad doll off the top of the stack, waving his wristband under it to register the doll to them. "Your turn."
Kurt took the baby silently and waved his own wristband under the sensor, noting a faint beep and a coo as the baby 'woke up' for its parents. He instinctively cuddled it - her? - close to his chest, irrationally pleased that he'd worn a soft sweater that day. Sure, the baby couldn't feel the difference, but it had to be nicer than Blaine's rough leather jacket.
"You're so damn cute," Blaine said, chuckling lightly. "We're gonna be the best family this school has ever seen."
"If one of us doesn't drop this thing and accidentally kill her first…," Kurt muttered. He'd never actually spent much time around children, and the unusualness of this lack of knowledge was making him antsy.
"It'll be easy. She cries, we hold her, we see if she's hungry or wet, and we fix the problem. How bad can it possibly be?" Blaine said.
"How bad can it possibly be?" Kurt sassed that afternoon, absolutely frazzled. He was standing outside the building with Blaine, listening to little Feta (they'd been hungry when choosing a name) sob her computerized lungs out, which she'd been doing since the middle of fifth period. "I've tried holding her, I've tried changing her, I've tried bouncing her up and down - which is not a smart thing to do in the middle of a chem lab, but I had no other options-"
"Whoa, whoa, hey. Take a deep breath, babe," Blaine said, looking genuinely concerned. He took a step forward and placed his hands on Kurt's shoulders soothingly. "Want me to take her tonight?"
"No, no, I need to learn how to do this, I need to get this right," Kurt said, stubborn to the end. He brushed his glasses back up his face impatiently, trying not to jostle Feta too much.
"Kurt. You're not going to fail Health because we can't get this fucking-"
"Language!"
"-freaking baby doll to shut up. Let me drive you home, we'll figure something out," Blaine continued, voice gentle and sincere.
"We are not taking this baby on your motorcycle, Blaine," Kurt said, rolling his eyes. "Just follow me, I'll take Feta in my car. You'd better find something safer for tomorrow!"
"I'll take care of it. For now, let's get the baby to stop crying before I lose my hearing permanently," Blaine said. "I'll meet you by your car so you can lead the way."
They headed off separately to their cars, Blaine shouldering the diaper bag they'd been given and Kurt desperately clinging to the baby. The drive passed uneventfully, and soon enough they were ensconced in Kurt's room, Feta still wailing away.
"Someone's going to think we're child abusers," Kurt moaned.
"This thing's got to be broken," Blaine said. "Maybe we got a defective one."
"Or we're just terrible parents and my perfect GPA is going to be ruined by the fucking fake baby project!" Kurt said, patting Feta a little harder on the back than may have been recommended.
"Language," Blaine teased, shooting Kurt a flirty wink that absolutely did not make his heart stutter. "Here, give me the baby. If you keep burping her like that, they really will think we're abusing her."
Kurt handed over Feta and began digging through the duffel bag yet again. "We've tried the bottle and the pacifier and we know she's not wet, so she doesn't need a diaper change. Did they not give us something?"
"Let's just try the bottle again. Maybe it takes a couple tries," Blaine said. He was clearly pulling this idea out of his ass, but Kurt had nothing better, so he retrieved the bottle and gave it to Blaine, who put it in Feta's mouth.
"I don't like you, but I love you. Seems that I'm always thinking of you. Oh, oh, oh, you treat me badly. I love you madly. You really got a hold on me," Blaine sang, bouncing the baby gently in time to the song.
Kurt was so caught up in listening to Blaine's warm voice that it took him a minute to notice that the baby had stopped crying.
"Oh my God," Kurt said.
"I've got the magic touch," Blaine gloated, smirking. Kurt thought he could see genuine relief underneath the cocky grin, though.
"Does the magic touch also apply to diaper changes?" Kurt teased. "Now that she's fed, she's gonna need to-"
Feta started crying again.
"Pee."
"Hey, I calmed her down this time, it's your turn," Blaine said.
"But she hates me!" Kurt protested.
"If she's really my daughter, there's not a chance in he- heck that she could hate you," Blaine said, voice light but eyes serious.
Kurt blushed, fidgeting with his glasses for a moment. "Fine, but...don't leave yet, okay? I think we should figure this out together."
"I like the sound of that."
As it turned out, Kurt and Blaine made a pretty good team. The next afternoon was spent at Blaine's house, where they alternated between dealing with Feta's various needs and doing homework, at least until Blaine convinced Kurt to take a break and watch a movie.
"You've already put more effort into that one worksheet than anyone else will even invest in the final," Blaine said, placing a hand over Kurt's right wrist. "C'mon, sweetheart. Give yourself a rest."
Kurt agreed, hoping Blaine couldn't feel how his pulse started racing at the gentle touch. They'd only been on real speaking terms for a day - he didn't want to ruin their easy camaraderie by pushing for too much.
The movie was nothing special, some semi-decent romcom that wouldn't be a problem to pause when Feta needed something. Their demon baby behaved for the movie, though, allowing them to spend some quality time heckling the screen.
Wednesday featured another random bout of unstoppable crying from Feta, prompting Blaine to sing another soft lullaby while pacing Kurt's room with the baby. This time, Kurt joined in with a harmony, quieting Feta even faster than before.
"They've got to have sensors in their ears or something," Kurt said once she'd stopped wailing.
"Or our voices sound so great together that they even calm robots," Blaine suggested, making Kurt snicker.
Of course, it all went downhill Thursday. Blaine got detention for punching a kid who harassed him about the care he was showing Feta, leaving Kurt all alone after school. His normal routine of homework and dinner preparations felt weirdly unsatisfying compared to how he'd spent his time earlier in the week, and he kept panicking when he couldn't hear the baby crying from the dining table, since it was Blaine's night to have her. The only thing that settled him down that night was listening to a quiet Beatles playlist as he drifted off to sleep.
He managed to get through Friday a little easier, taking Feta for one last afternoon before they had to turn her back in at the end of the school day. She was fairly calm during most of his classes, but during sixth period Lit, she started another one of those dramatic crying jags.
"Hummel!"
"I've gotta go," Kurt said, grabbing his stuff haphazardly and bolting out the door. He could see a few flabbergasted looks on the faces of his classmates as he left, but he didn't have time to worry about them - he needed to find Blaine, and he needed to do it right then.
He ran for the bleachers, knowing Blaine generally skipped his PE class in favor of relaxing outside in privacy after they'd traded schedules earlier in the week. As he approached, he saw Blaine staring at him in confusion.
"Why are you-"
"We've gotta sing to her," Kurt interrupted. "It's the only thing that's calmed her down all week, and we can't give this baby back while she's sobbing like there's no tomorrow."
"Okay, okay, just breathe, babe," Blaine said. He cupped a hand over Feta's head and began to sing, slower than the original tempo: "Close your eyes and I'll kiss you. Tomorrow, I'll miss you. Remember I'll always be true."
"And then while I'm away, I'll write home everyday, and I'll send all my loving to you," Kurt chimed in. A few bars later, Feta calmed down, letting out a soft coo of contentment. "Oh thank God."
"I can't believe you came running out here like a bat out of hell just to sing to Feta one last time."
"I panicked, didn't I?" Kurt said, flushing. "I dunno, I just - could only think of getting to you. I didn't know what else would work."
"Kurt," Blaine said softly.
"I'm sorry if I just made it weird! I- mmph."
Kurt's hasty apology was cut off by a gentle kiss.
"Would you like to go out with me after school? Seems only right after we've had a kid," Blaine said. He winked at Kurt playfully, but Kurt could see the sincerity in his eyes.
"I like the sound of that," Kurt replied, echoing a statement he remembered Blaine saying earlier in the week.
The kiss Blaine gave him at that made Kurt believe Blaine had understood the reference.