Death Note Rewrite: This is slightly crack, and also contains lame jokes regarding Light being gay. I would like to make it clear, that I am not making fun of homosexuals, I am making fun of Light. Gay jokes are simply among the easiest types of jokes to make, (if the subject of those jokes is Light Yagami, because look at that hair.) and they are intended for humor only.

Authors note: Please Read!

You guys get to vote for the ending! In the review section, state whether you want L to win, Light to win, or something else to happen...

(Not Near because Near sucks monkey cock)

Part 1: Bigtime Boredom.

Light Yagami was sitting in class, pondering whether he should sign up for dance or ballet. They both had their ups and downs, he thought. Suddenly, a notebook fell from the sky! Light decided to investigate. He asked the teacher if he could be excused.

"Why?" said the old man, leaking oldness from the mere act of existing.

"Uh, I need to go to the bathroom?"

This did not work, because Light had already used that stupid fucking excuse earlier that day. "What to do?" Light thought. He eyed his violin case underneath his desk, and wondered whether or not it would be heavy enough to kill the teacher through blunt force trauma. Suddenly, Light's inner self-hatred demon spoke up.

"Why not just play some music? It's so bad, it would kill him just as easily!"

Light began to cry, due to his repressed self-hatred, formed by his father pushing him too far at a young age.

(Dem Asians be cray-cray)

After his boring class, he walked up to the spot where it fell, and picked up the notebook.

He read the cover...

"Death Note! What does it say inside?"

"The Internet whose username is written is this notebook... shall die!"

"How ominous!"

Part 2: The death of a troll...

This human whose username is written is this notebook shall die.

Light quitely shuffled through the pages of the notebook, hoping to find answers, clarification, or at least a coupon for one free meal at Denny's, tucked between the folds of the papers.

Alas, he only found 200 coupons for Arby's, which he put through the shredder, due to their vast uselessness.

"This notebook is total bullcrap. I'mma ignore it and I'mma check out my facebook page."

Light browsed his facebook page, only to find negative comments on his appearance. (

"I can't believe [USERNAME REDACTED BECAUSE REASONS] would call MY shoes old-fashioned! I spent 60 bucks on those!"

Joke about homosexuality somehow being related to spending absurd amounts of money on clothing and fasion items

Light continued to whine.

"I'll just write this guys name down to vent my frustration. I mean, it's not like he'll actually die, right?"

Part 3: Aw, dicks...

This note will not take effect unless the writer has the persons profile picture in their mind while writing.

Light Yagami was at school the next morning, with his BFF, Tony. They have matching friendship bracelets.

Shut up, it's totally straight.

"Dude, I heard Max died yesterday! Like his heart attacked him or something..." Tony coughed several times while saying this, due to his chronic meth use.

Light was taken by surprise. (Not by the meth use. In fact, Light is actually Tony's dealer.)

"What! Where did you hear that?!"

"His facebook page, man. Ya know. The guy, [USERNAME REDACTED BECAUSE REASONS]? He would make you feel bad about your appearance and stuff?" Tony was now coughing at an alarming volume.

"Aw, dicks! I think I just killed a person..."

"Man, what did you say, man, Light, man?" Tony began purging blood out of his lungs.

"Oh, nothing" Light is very good at playing things off.

"Man, that's man, cool man, Light man, but man, can man, you man, hook me up with some more METHMANAN?" Tony was actually a zombie while saying this, because he had coughed out shards of 100 percent pure crystal meth, causing him to be bombed by the military or something."

"I don't know, Tony, it'll cost you another blowjob..."

Part 4: Juuuuust to make sure...

This note will not work on imageboards. (Anon isn't a name, stupid.)

Light was in his bedroom, pondering the whole, "Magical notebook what kills peeps on teh Interwebz" thing.

"Ya know, it was probably a coincidence! But juuuuust to make sure..."

40 seconds later, somewhere in Tenneseee...

Jimmy Rustels (it's a fat/ugly sounding name, so it matches the character. Also, shameless 4th wall break.) was inside of his dirt-caked house, holding a sweat-caked Xbox controller, with constipated expressions on his ?-soaked face. Basically, this guy lives in a shithole, is a shithole, you get the idea.

"Hueua! I'm totally pwning this Light guy in Halo right n- AUCK!"

And, no one cared that he died. Except for his pet rat, Scrabbles, who he never feeds anyway, and was only brought into this story to depress you. (Scrabbles died. That's the joke. Suffering. Funny, is it not?)

Back in Japan...

Light was convinced now. (Even though he has absolutely no way of knowing whether or not the notebook worked, since he was interacting with Jimmy on Halo, and would not know if he was actually dead, or simply AFK. The most evidence you could get would be Jimmy saying, "Help, I appear to be dying." over voicechat, but everyone would ignore that anyway.)

"I knew it was fake!"

Part 5: That's another person I killed...

For maximun effiecency, use fire to kill the trolls.

Light Yagami woke up early. This made him upset.

"Right in the middle of my dream about Zac Efron!"

(There's another one of those jokes that I spent about 5 seconds coming up with. Humor is dead, by the way.)

Light picked up the morning newspaper.

Teen Has Heart Attack While Playing Halo!

Researchers try to find a way to blame the video game industry for this coincidence, even though it was obviously the truckloads of Cheetos that the fucking Leviathan of lard was constantly shoving into his mouth.

"Oh god! I killed 2 people! I have to get rid of this notebook! Wait... NO!"

"An internet without trolls is a good thing! Finally we will be at peace on the web! This is a purpose given to MEEE!"

"Light, dear, what are you yelling about?" Soikiraougi338 (Who gives a shit how to spell Light's mothers name?) is obviously deaf, because she can't hear Light's constant evil cackling. Unless, of course, she CAN hear it, but ignores it, due to it being a common occurance, even BEFORE the Death Note came around. If So, what kind of a social life does Light have? None.

"Nothing, mom!" Another smooth cover-up.

Part 6: That's what Shinigami said!

If the cause of death is written, it will happen. (Unless it's something really fucked up, like, "Chokes on his turd flakes while being stabbed through the stomache by a time-traveling mime armed with a short temper, 300 pounds of crack cocaine, and a serious inferiorty complex." I mean, what kind of sick ass-slapper does that? You, that's who.)

Light was laughing evilly, murdering people, having a grand old time.

"Hello, I'm Ryuk." said a creepy figure.

(Totally not shoehorned into this story, by the way.)

Light was surprised.

"Huaaaraahgaahaa! I'm not surprised to see you at all, Ryuk."

"But you just-"

"Shut up."

Ryuk was baffled by Light's stupidity. Was this the human most worthy of finding the Death Note? "Oh right" thought Ryuk.
"I didn't pick a guy. Just tossed the book down to Earth, no thought about the chance of it landing in a volcano, or, like, in the hands of some religious extremist. I really need to get a system."

"Well, anyway.. I'm here about that notebook." said Ryuk

"Yeah, I know. It kills people. And it's MINE!" Light hugged the notebook.

"Well, actuallly, it's mine. But I'll let you keep it, and all you have to do is let me stalk you. AndkillyouwhenIfeellikeourfriendshiphasgottenboring."

"Ok, I'm game."

Part 7: Attention ICPO!

Added points for irony

"Attention ICPO! Recently, there have been several murders throughout Japan, with no known cause, source, method, or weapon."

"Thanks, Captain Obvious!"

"All in a days work!" Captain Obvious flew off to save the day again.

"Now let's focus on that whole Kira thing."

A man in a dark suit approached, opened a laptop, and left. (Really earning has tax dollars, am I right?)

[REDACTED BECAUSE WATARI IS INTO SOME FUCKED UP STUFF]

"No! I left my porn open!" The man came back and fixed the laptop. A large L was shown on the screen.

"Who'se that?" asked Matsuda.

A shout came from the back of the room.

"It's the letter L, not a person, dumbass! L2READ!"

Everyone ignored him.

"That's L. He's a detective. He likes candy." said Soichiro Yagami.

"Oh ok."(Matsuda is pretty much happy with any answer.)

"Shut up, you dang fools! L's about to talk!" said the man in the suit

And L did talk.

Part 8: L is for Learning

Bacon plus anything = amazing

L spoke.

"Greetings, ICPO. I am L."

"Aye! We knew that!" yelled an ICPO member

"Man, shut up! Time for some learning! As you know, this Kira has been killing people on the internet. We have to stop him. I have a plan."

"What's your plan, L?" asked Matsuda

"I'm gonna ask him to murder me."

"Solid plan." (To this day, nobody knew if Matsuda was being sarcastic, or if his vast stupidity had honestly convinced him that this was a good plan.)

"But first, something else..."

"You don't mean..." Soichiro Yagami was very frightened.

"Yes" said L.

"Compared to Kira, you are all n00bs."

"How dare you."

"MLG, out."