Bruce pulled up in front of Dick's apartment building in a black Lambourgini. He wanted to take something less...ostentatious because, well, it was Bludhaven and he didn't want to stand out toomuch. However, he didn't really have anything less ostentatious because well he was Bruce Wayne and part of being Bruce Wayne was having a whole massive garage full of rare and extremely expensive cars. So he had chosen the Lambourgini because he convinced himself that maybe since it was black it wouldn't stand out as much. (and he did have a thing for black cars.) However that illusion was quickly shattered when he realized that it was 11 o'clock in the morning on a bright sunny day in May.
He turned the car off but hesitated before actually getting out of the car. He had no idea if this was going to work. He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he was nervous, very nervous. There were so many ways this could go horribly wrong. What was he thinking when he had done this? But then again, Dick was his son, why should he be nervous? Because-because things between him and Dick always seemed to go wrong lately. They would start out fine but lately it always devolved into a screaming match rather quickly and would usually end with Dick storming out and the two of them not speaking for weeks.
Which brought up the real reason for why he was here. He had been lamenting about the problem to Alfred after their last screaming match and Alfred had flat out told him that he had no right to complain about the problem if he was not going to do anything to fix it. When Bruce explained to Alfred that he wasn't quite sure what the problem was or how to fix it, Alfred had, in his typical and sometimes condescending manner, laid it out for him as well as a solution for how to begin to fix it. That was why he was here. Alfred had suggested that Bruce ask Dick to spend the day with him outside of costume doing whatever. Bruce had bluntly told Alfred that he was crazy and that Dick would never agree to such a thing. Alfred told Bruce that it would go a long way to showing Dick that Bruce cared about him as a person and not just as Nightwing. Also it would go a long way to showing Dick that he still cared in general. Bruce was slightly shocked at that last statement from Alfred. Shouldn't Dick already know that he cared about him? that he loved him? that he meant more to him than anything in the world? Apparently, according to Alfred, he didn't. After Alfred said some kind of sarcastic and sharply worded comment about people not being mind readers and how is anyone supposed to know how you feel if you never give them any indication, Bruce had stormed out and gone to work in his study. However, Bruce thought about the advice for days, and about a week later, after he was sure Dick had time to cool off, he decided to follow up on Alfred's advice and called Dick. Dick sounded shocked and surprised at first but then agreed. Bruce was shocked that Dick agreed. He had wanted to make firm plans so that the two of them had something to go by but Dick convinced him (he swore that boy could convince anyone of anything) that it would be better to just "wing it." So that's what they were planning on doing "winging it."
That was part of what was making Bruce so uneasy and on edge. I mean it was nerve wracking enough that he was trying to spend the whole day with his grown son without them wanting to kill each other by the end. At least if he had a plan he would have something to go by. If he was prepared it would lessen the chances that something horrible would happen. But then again he was always the anal planner and dick was always a fly by the seat of your pants kind of guy. Everything in him told him he should run and get away now. But... Alfred was right, you can't complain about something if you are not willing to at least try and fix it. And he did desperately want to fix things with Dick. He at the very least wanted to be able to get through an entire day with him without fighting. He just always seemed to say the wrong thing... He sighed. He wished Alfred was here to coach him through this. He honestly had no idea what he was doing. Just then he looked at the clock on the dashboard. Oh my God! had he really been sitting here for 15 minutes?! He muttered an expletive to himself then quickly turned the car off put the keys in his pocket and then stepped out of the car and began walking towards Dick's apartment building, remembering to lock his car first, this was Bludhaven after all.
When he got to the top of the stairs and was standing in front of Dick's door he took a deep breath, relaxed (or tried to) his muscles and then knocked on the door. The look on Dick's face when he opened the door made Bruce feel instantly better. He looked anxious and uneasy as well, although he tried to play it off with his trademark smile (he did have the greatest smile.)
Dick gestured to him to come in and Bruce took a seat on the couch (which had seen much better days) and Dick took a seat in a chair opposite him (the chair looked like it had seen better days too). Bruce noticed how clean the apartment was. Dick must have cleaned it in anticipation of his arrival. Because it sure as heck never looked this good any other time Bruce saw it. Oh, I probably shouldn't say that though huh? Bruce thought, might piss him off and ruin the whole day. He's so sensitive sometimes, Bruce thought.
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Dick, as always, was the first to speak.
"So, um, did you have anything in mind that you wanted to um do?"
"No, um, (damnit why was he saying 'um?') I figured we would wing it, just like you said.
"oh, ok" that sounds good.
"Um, I'm kinda hungry, I woke up late and didn't really eat much. Would you want to grab something to eat?"
Bruce chuckled a little to himself at that and allowed himself a small smile. Dick was always hungry. Always.
"Sure that sounds good. But uh, let's go into Gotham shall we? there are much better restaurants there."
"Ok, cool"
They both stood up and Dick grabbed his coat. Bruce had never taken his off.
"I brought the Lambourgini" Bruce said out of nowhere as they were making their way to the door.
"Nice" Dick said with a smile. "The black one?"
"Of course."
Dick chuckled at that. So far this day was going better then either of them had anticipated. maybe it would be ok after all.
They were making their way down the stairs when they ran into Dick's landlord. She immediately started blushing and twitching with nervous excitement when she saw Bruce.
"Hi Connie" Dick said casually.
Connie looked right past him as if he wasn't even there.
"You-you're Bruce Wayne!"
Bruce smiled his mega watt smile at her it was almost blinding from the right angle.
"Yes I am so nice to meet you." Bruce said and shook her hand. For a second he thought she was gonna swoon and faint right on the stairs.
"How-I-how-" she stuttered seemingly unable to make a complete coherent sentence.
"It is very nice to meet you too." She finally managed.
"So do you two know each other well?"
"Well I don't know about well. But we hang out occasionally."
"Occasionally? you make up excuses to come into my apartment like everyday!" Dick joked.
"Oh I do not! you are exaggerating!" she laughed.
"At least every other day."
"Well maybe that is just because you are so cute and fun to be around."
"Awww Connie you are so sweet."
Bruce rolled his eyes. Dick really knew how to turn on the charm when he wanted to.
"So, Dick, you never told me you knew Bruce Wayne."
Dick's face paled and he suddenly became very twitchy. His stomach began to turn in knots. This was not going to go over well.
Bruce was shocked to his core by what he had just heard. He was so shocked that he momentarily let the smile drop from his face but he quickly plastered it back on. Must keep up appearances he thought.
"Oh, I'm sorry was it supposed to be a secret? she said judging by the looks on both their faces.
"Oh, no, Dick and I are just friends that's all." Bruce said not wanting to get into their whole complicated relationship and not being able to come up with a better, simpler explanation than that.
"Oh, why that's nice. You sure do know how to make friends Dick, good job!"
"Um...thanks Connie" he tried to laugh and smile he really did. but it was just so hard. He knew Bruce would be furious about this. He knew he would be furious and he wouldn't understand why he hadn't told anybody in his new life about himself.
"Look we have to go but I will talk to you later ok?"
"Ok, sounds good. you two have a good day together. Oh! I can't believe I met Bruce Wayne!" she murmured to herself as she went up the stairs.
Bruce started storming down the stairs ahead of and away from Dick. He wanted to get away from him as fast as he could. He couldn't even look at him right now he was so enraged. But more than enraged he was hurt, extremely hurt that Dick hadn't told anyone in his new life about well... anything apparently. He could not believe that he was that ashamed of him. I mean, come on, after all Dick had been living there for almost a year and saw these people almost every day if not every day and he never told them about himself? how is that possible? The only possible explanation was that Dick was ashamed and didn't want them to know anything about his life. or himself. Bruce was hurt. He never knew that Dick felt that way about him. Oh and here he was feeling so bad because he thought (wrongfully apparently) that he had hurt Dick and that Dick needed to be reminded that Bruce still cared a great deal about him and not just Nightwing. He suddenly became irrationally angry at Alfred as well. After all he had been the one that had made him feel this way and practically forced him to take this step. And now it turns out none of it was true, it was all bullshit! Dick didn't even want anything to do with him! Unbelievable. It was just unbelievable. And he had been a fool to buy into it in the first place.
It was then that Bruce realized that Dick was talking to him and had been talking to him the whole time.
"Bruce! Bruce wait! I'm sorry! It's not-you don't understand! It's not what you think! Bruce, Bruce wait please! just wait, let's talk about this ok? let's just talk ok? I promise it's not what you think, please! just calm down and come back inside and we will talk. Ok? please?"
Bruce continued to walk down the stairs as fast as he could without tripping or falling. That was the last thing he needed right now. He ignored Dick completely, wouldn't even face him. He was hardly even listening to him because he was too busy listening to the diatribe in his own head.
"Bruce please, please stop ok? just stop. Bruce please, wait!" Dick said and tried to grab a hold of his shirt; but he missed and almost fell down the stairs.
Soon they were out the door and Bruce was heading for his car with his keys in hand.
I cannot let him leave like this. Dick thought.
Dick finally caught up with him before he reached the car. grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him around to face him.
"Bruce, please let me explain."
Bruce gave him one of the fiercest, coldest stares that Dick had ever seen him give to anybody-and that included the Joker. Dick was so stunned by this that he didn't move or do anything for a minute which was enough time for Bruce to get in his car and drive away.
Dick snapped out of his trance just as he heard the engines start up.
He started pounding on the windows of the car and he tried to open the door but it was locked. So he kept pounding on the windows and screaming.
"Bruce, please! Wait! Bruce please! let me explain! it's not what you think! Bruce please! Please come back! don't go! Bruce please."
Dick continued to pound on the windows even as the car began to pull away from the curb. Bruce just ignored him and continued to drive the car away from the curb and towards the city. Away from all this pain and heartache. He would go home and he would be able to lose himself in his work and everything would be ok, at least that is what he told himself.
As Bruce pulled away and began to speed down the street away from him. Dick just stood there in shock and continued to stare at the car's retreating form until he could no longer see it any more.
Oh shit! he thought. How the hell am I going to get out of this one?
Dick stood in front of his building for what seemed like forever just staring out at the street. He didn't know how long he had been standing there but he knew that the sun was much lower in the sky then it was when he initially went out there. Finally shaking himself out of his reverie, he went into his apartment sat down on the couch picked up the phone and called the one person who he thought might be able to help him.
"Hello, Babs? I think I might have done something really really bad and I don't know how to fix it."
"Hello, and nice to hear from you too, Hunk Wonder."
Dick chuckled. Ever since they had started dating Barbara had upgraded his nickname from "Boy Wonder" to "Hunk Wonder." Although if you asked him she should have upgraded it years ago. After all he hadn't been a "boy" for years."
"So tell me what could possibly be so bad that you don't know how to get out of it? And second of all I find it very hard to believe that you could have done something that is so bad that you don't know how to fix it. That is very unlike you."
"Yah well, I don't know how to fix it ok!"
"Well what did you do?"
"It wasn't anything intentional, I didn't even mean for it to happen!"
"What did you do?"
"And then he just looked so hurt..."
"Dick Grayson, either tell me what you did or hang up the phone."
"Ok well did I tell you that Bruce called me and asked me If I wanted to hang out with him today as Bruce and Dick?"
"Yes, and I almost fainted from the shock. That was today?"
"Yes, and I almost fainted from the shock too."
"So what happened?"
"Well he showed up and I asked him if he wanted to go out to lunch and he said yes but let's go somewhere in Gotham and so I said sure."
"Ok..."
"Then we were walking down the stairs and my landlord Connie was walking up the stairs and well she said hi and then she started making a big fuss over Bruce."
"Ok. Why is that bad? I am pretty sure Bruce is used to people making a big deal over meeting or even seeing him."
"Yes, but you see um, you see um..."
"Spit it out short pants."
Dick growled a little bit into the phone and grimaced. He hated when she called him that.
"I never told her who I was. I mean you know that I was Bruce's adopted son and all."
"Oh I see..."
"Yah and then she was all "Dick you never told me you knew Bruce Wayne. How do you know him?"
"What did you say?"
"I didn't have a chance to say anything Bruce said we were just friends."
"Oh I see, ouch."
"Yah I think he didn't want to go into our whole complicated history right there on the stairwell."
"Yah well I don't blame him. So you haven't told anybody in your new life?"
"Um...no."
"Dick..."
"Oh come on Barbara! You know why I didn't tell anybody!"
"I know sweetie I know but...think about how this looks to Bruce. I mean I know he can be kind of an ass-"
"Kind of an ass?"
"Let me finish bird-boy." Dick was silent.
"I know he can be kind of an oblivious cold insulting jackass but he does care a lot about you and he always has. You have to know that. I mean the fact that he called you out of the blue to hang out with him as Bruce and Dick for the day...that says a lot Dick. It says that he really cares about you and he is really trying to make up for things he's done in the past. And now with this it looks like you are ashamed of him and don't want anything to do with him anymore. Now it looks like you don't care about him Dick. Like you don't want him to be a part of your life anymore."
"But that's not true!"
"I know sweetie but that's how it looks. and to be honest, it is kind of a slap in the face after all he has done for you Dick."
"All he has done for me? God I am so sick of hearing that Barbara! I mean yah sure he took me in and raised me until I was 18. And yah sure he gave me a home and a family when no one else would and I will be forever grateful for that and I am not going to discount the value of that in any way. But...but...Barbara he hasn't done anything for me since I was 18 and he kicked me out of the manor! He hasn't done anything but treat me like absolute and total shit since then! That's six years Barbara! Six years of treating me like nothing but scum! I mean seriously what has he done for me lately? Nothing! And now I am supposed to feel bad because I slapped him in the face by not telling anybody about my relation to him? Seriously?!"
"Ok, first of all, calm down and breathe. You are going to hyperventilate. Second of all don't you DARE ever EVERyell at me like that again because I will come over there and kick your ass and have my dad throw you in jail. Third of all you already do feel bad because a) you love him and you hurt him and b) you just vehemently defended yourself which people only do when they feel guilty because they know they did something wrong and they don't want to admit it. c) you called me to tell me about this and help you fix it."
Dick, realizing she was right about everything (which she always was, he hated that) took a deep breath counted to ten and then spoke again.
"I'm sorry Babs. I didn't mean to flip out like that. I will never ever yell at you like that again I promise. I wouldn't want your dad to throw me in jail." He said and chuckled.
"Good cause you know he would."
"Yes I know he would if you told him too. And you are right about everything else too as always."
Barbara chuckled lightly on the other end of the phone.
"This is really bad I know it is. I mean Barbara he actually looked hurt. I could see it on his face. That means it must be really bad if I can actually see it."
"Yes I agree. Bruce has spent a lifetime learning how not to show any signs of emotion."
"Ok so what do I do? Help me."
"You have to apologize."
"Ok wow thanks very helpful. Cause you know I couldn't figure that out on my own."
"Do you want me to hang up this phone?!"
"No I don't sorry. It's just...Barbara he will never understand. He will never understand why I didn't tell anybody. And I don't know how to make him. You know he is not very good with the forgiveness thing.
"Well, that is an understatement. Dick you just have to let him know that you love him. And that this is not you trying to cut him out of your life. It is simply you trying to have your own life separate from him."
"I don't think he will see the distinction. Barbara he is going to think I am ashamed of him, of my past and I am not it's just..."
"I know sweetie I know. You are sick of people using you to get to him and only thinking of you in terms of him."
"Yes, exactly! Would you mind going over there and telling him that?"
Barbara laughed. "Um no sweetie I think this is something you need to do on your own."
"Please?"
"No."
"Damn."
Barbara chuckled. "Come on Dick it won't be that bad. Ok it will, but just go over there and get it over with. Apologize and tell him what you just told me and just apologize profusely until he listens and understands."
"What if he just kicks me out?"
"Don't listen. Hold your ground."
"Ok you really think I should go now?"
"Yes, don't put it off. The longer you wait the longer he will have to stew in it."
"Ok but if I don't come back and you find my obituary in the paper tomorrow, just know that I love you."
Barbara sighed. "Always so melodramatic. Goodbye Hunk Wonder and good luck. Oh and I love you too."
Dick chuckled as he hung up the phone. He felt like he should put some body armor on or something to defend himself before he went over there. Too bad they don't make emotional or mental defensive armor. He thought. With that he picked up his keys and his coat and walked out the door.
Alfred and Tim knew that something was extremely wrong the second Bruce walked in. First of all he was supposed to be spending the whole day with Dick and he had only left about an hour and a half ago. So what had happened? Obviously they had had some kind of fight. Wow things must be really bad between them if they can't get through more than an hour and a half of being together without wanting to kill each other; they both thought. Second, Bruce hadn't said one word to either of them when he walked in the door. Not even a 'hello.' And when Alfred had tried to talk to him Bruce had completely ignored him; went straight upstairs into his study and slammed the door so hard the whole house shook.
That had been a couple hours ago and Bruce hadn't emerged from his study yet. It was almost time for dinner and Alfred decided that that would be a good excuse to go into Bruce's study and try and talk to him.
Alfred knocked on the door to the study.
"Master Bruce? may I come in?"
When there was no answer Alfred walked in.
He found Bruce sitting in the chair behind his desk staring out the window lost in thought.
"Master Bruce? Sir it is almost dinner time and I was wondering what you would like to have?"
"How did it go so wrong Alfred?" Bruce said as if he hadn't heard Alfred.
"What sir? I'm sorry I don't understand. I was merely asking you about dinner."
"Huh? Oh I don't care Alfred. I don't think I could eat right now anyway."
"Very well sir." Alfred turned to leave.
"Alfred could you please tell me how did it all go so wrong? I mean what did I do to make it..."
Alfred turned around to find Bruce staring at him.
"I'm sorry sir I don't know what you mean. What went so wrong with what?"
It's just I mean everything used to be so perfect. I mean it really was perfect wasn't it? And then it all went so wrong I don't even know how. I don't think I even realized it was happening or that it had happened until today. And now...now...he doesn't even want anything to do me. He's ashamed of me Alfred. How did that happen?
Sir what happened today? Between you and Master Dick? What happened? I know something happened sir, because you were supposed to spend the entire day with him; or so you said. And then you came home so early and you have been holed up in here the entire time. So what happened?
"I don't know Alfred, that's what I am trying to tell you, I don't know!"
"All I know is he is ashamed of me now. Of his life, of everything. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore."
"Oh sir I am sure that is not true. I know how much Master Dick loves and cares about you and always has. You are his father sir."
"Then why doesn't he want anybody in his new life in Bludhaven to know that he knows me Alfred? Huh, to know about him? Huh? If everything you just said is true then why hasn't he told anyone in his new life about me? or his past at all huh?"
Alfred opened his mouth to respond but Bruce cut him off.
"There is only one explanation Alfred he is ashamed of me and of his life and he doesn't want anybody to know about it. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts. I feel so betrayed."
"Sir I am sure there must be some other explanation. I know Master Dick. I know how much you mean to him and how much he cares. How much he has always cared sir and believe me that will never ever change. I am sure of it."
"There is no other explanation Alfred!"
"The only other thing I don't understand is why would he and why is he ashamed of me and of his life? I mean what is so bad about it? I don't understand. And why has he never been like this before? huh? why choose now all of a sudden?"
All of a sudden there was a knock on the door.
"Come in" Alfred said
"Um, Alfred, Dick is downstairs, he wants to see Bruce but um, I wasn't sure what to tell him seeing as how I don't know exactly what happened."
"You are not going to know Master Tim. This is none of your business. It is between Master Dick and Master Bruce."
"Aw come on! Nobody ever tells me anything around here!
"That is because not everything that goes on around here is fit for a young person's ears."
"Aw come on Alfred! When are you going to stop treating me like a child?"
"When you can no longer be considered one Master Tim."
Tim just grumbled something under his breath and rolled his eyes.
Alfred turned to Bruce.
"Well Master Bruce you had some very serious questions to ask Master Dick earlier. Here is your chance to get your answers. Tell Master Dick to come up. We are in the study."
"Ok" Tim said and turned to leave.
"No, I don't want to see him! I am so furious I can barely look at him! He betrayed me Alfred!"
"Well sir he is already here. you might as well tell him how you feel and ask him your questions."
"I have nothing to say to him!"
"Tell Master Dick he can come up and stay and talk as long as he likes with Master Bruce."
"Alfred!"
Alfred gave Bruce his own fierce version of the bat-glare.
Bruce sighed "You are not going to give up on this until I agree are you?"
"No sir not at all. You two need to talk. Too many things have gone unsaid for too long. You need to clear the air."
Bruce rolled his eyes.
"Trust me sir you will both feel better afterwards."
Bruce rolled his eyes again. "I highly doubt that Alfred but since you are being so insistent I suppose I do not have a choice."
Alfred smiled "Trust me sir you will not regret it. Tell Master Dick he may come upstairs now sir. please."
Tim smiled and went downstairs.
A few minutes later Dick came into the room. Looking nervous and extremely unsure of himself. He had no idea what he was going to say to Bruce. How was he possibly going to make this better? How was he possibly going to make him understand?
"Ah Master Dick how nice to see you. Have a seat."
Dick stepped warily into the room and had a seat facing Bruce.
"Ah I will leave you two to it I believe you have a lot to talk about."
Dick shot a panicked look at Alfred. Alfred put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gave him a kind "everything is going to be ok" look.
He then walked out of the the room and closed the door behind him.
Dick sat facing Bruce, utterly unsure of what to say or how to start the conversation. Bruce just sat there staring at him with cold hard eyes. Eyes he usually reserved for criminals not for him. In fact Bruce never ever looked at him like that. His eyes were usually kind and caring even if the rest of him was hard and cold his eyes never were, not towards Dick anyway. Dick knew he must have really screwed up bad for Bruce to look at him like this.
They sat there for what seemed like forever just staring at each other. Bruce never seemed to move; he was like a human statue. his hard cold gaze never wavered from Dick's face. Making Dick extremely uncomfortable and causing him to twitch and quiver like crazy in response.
Finally, Dick spoke.
"So...um I um..." Dick took a deep breath. "I know you are probably really really angry with me Bruce and I um... I know you probably don't understand what's going on or why um... what happened today happened but I...um...I really want to try and explain it to you."
"You are completely and totally ashamed and embarrassed of your connection to me and of your life in general. Therefore you do not want anybody in your "new world" to know anything about it. And you obviously don't want anything to do with me. There really isn't much to explain Dick it is all crystal clear. I just had no idea you felt that way. I wish you had told me sooner that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. That way I wouldn't have continued to try so hard to maintain our relationship."
Dick felt like he had been stabbed in the heart when he heard those words. He wanted to cry and in fact almost burst out into tears sobbing but he didn't. I have to control myself he thought. Bruce does really bad with emotions in general anyway. Dick was completely shocked by his words. How could Bruce think that? Didn't he know how much he meant to him? He was his rock, his father, his everything. The reason Dick hadn't told anybody about himself had nothing to do with that, but he had to admit he could see how Bruce had come to that conclusion. Dick felt a horrible twisting pain in his stomach when he looked in Bruce's eyes, to go along with the horrible pain in his heart. Bruce's eyes were still cold and clear as they were before but now Dick saw something else-something that he knew Bruce never let anybody see-pain, pure unadulterated pain, Dick could also tell that Bruce absolutely and totally believed without question everything he had just said, which hurt Dick even more.
"That's not it, you don't understand."
"Oh really? Then I would love to hear your explanation."
"I didn't want anybody to know me there..."
"Exactly! because you are ashamed of your life!"
"NO! because-because-" Dick hesitated, if he said what he really wanted to say to Bruce, if he told him the truth, the real truth about why he hadn't told anybody in his new world about himself, he might never be able to forgive him, and he would never be able to take those words back. However he figured that Bruce was already on the verge of not forgiving him and so he might as well tell the truth since Bruce was already furious with him.
"Look Bruce, I love you, I love you so much you have no idea, you are everything to me ok? You are my rock, my whole world, and I love everything about my life ok? And I am so grateful for everything that I have Bruce. I am so grateful and I know that I wouldn't have any of it without you. I know I would have nothing without you probably."
Dick took a breath before he continued. Bruce just sat there, same as before, an unmovable statue, the same cold unwavering look in his eyes.
"Look, I know you can probably never understand this because, well because you have never been in this situation before; you have always been the one in the spotlight. However I..." Dick hesitated again, he could tell Bruce was getting impatient, was he really going to say this?
"Look, I just thought that Bludhaven would kind of be my chance to start over you know? Maybe my chance to start off with a clean slate where no one knows me. And it's not that I don't want anybody to know me because I am ashamed or embarrassed of my life or anything like that. I swear it is not. I just...I just thought maybe for once in my life I could have something that was just mine you know? Something that wasn't connected to you. And I know you can't understand why I need or want that Bruce but I really do. I just wanted them to get to know me first you know? I wanted them to get to know who I am before they know about well...my life and...you. Because I am sorry Bruce but once-he started to choke up a little bit here despite his best intentions- once they know who I am and they know I am your son they don't see anything else anymore. They don't see me anymore they just see dollar signs and a meal ticket. It has been like that my whole life and I just...I just got sick of it ok? I got really really sick of it and I thought maybe now here in Bludhaven would be my chance for me to have people who knew me and wanted to know me because they actually liked me and wanted to know me and not just because I am your son. But I am really really sorry Bruce I never meant or wanted to hurt you, especially not this much, and I was planning on telling them-eventually. I guess I was just putting it off because I was scared of...well all of the stuff I just said. So I am really really sorry Bruce, you have no idea how sorry. The last thing in the whole entire world I would ever want to do is hurt you ok? You have to know that. I know that you are really hurt and may not be able to forgive me right away, but all I am asking is that you try ok? Try and understand where I am coming from please? That is all I ask."
They just sat there for a minute staring at each other in silence. Bruce tried to stay mad at Dick, he really did, he tried not to let himself and his heart be melted by those beautiful blue eyes, but he couldn't help it. One look in Dick's eyes and he could see how sorry he was, see how much this was killing him, knowing that he had hurt the most important person in the world to him this way. And, damnit! he could never stay mad at Dick, even when he wanted to.
"It killed me when I thought you didn't want anything to do with me Dick, when I thought...that you were ashamed or maybe even hated me or your life, it was like a knife going through my heart. Because I-you mean so much to me, and I know we have been through a lot and there have been a lot of bad times lately, but I-you still-I still-you are my son and you mean everything to me and I would never ever want to think that I did something to cause you to hate or be ashamed of me or your life. I would die if that was true Dick. I just felt so betrayed when I realized no one in your new life knew about you or me. It was extremely...I don't even know the word for it...heart-wrenching."
"Oh Bruce, I...I don't even know what to say, I'm so sorry.
"And anyway I was really pissed off because the only reason I even scheduled that damn day for us to hang out was because Alfred informed me that the only reason we fight all the time was because you have all these unresolved feelings of anger and resentment towards me. And also because you feel like I don't care about you outside of Nightwing-which is absolutely not true by the way- so he said that I should show you that I care about you by doing things with you outside of patrol, which I never realized I hadn't done in a long time, So I figured I would make a day for us to hang out, so that you can see that I do care about you outside of Nightwing and that I do care about you just as much as I always did. And then I turn around and I find out that not only do you not care about me anymore you don't want anything to do with me anymore! And so I was just confused because well, I guess I was just confused about a lot of things. But I think I am beginning to understand a little bit more. I had no idea how hard it must have been for you, you know coming in here the way you did. I mean I knew it was hard but I don't think I ever fully comprehended how hard it must have been for you all these years and I am sorry if I did anything to make it harder for you. All I ever did or wanted to do was make it easier but I guess I just never really knew what I was doing and so I just made it more difficult for you than it had to be. I am sorry you had to go through so much more hardship because of me. I am heartsick over the fact that you felt like you had to completely hide everything about yourself just to get some peace in your life. I am truly apologetic; I never meant or wanted that to happen but then again I guess I never fully considered all the ramifications of my decision to take you in. Or, well, the ramifications on you anyway."
"Um...ok wait, back up a second, are you saying that you wanted to spend the day with me outside of patrol because you wanted to try and fix things between us?"
"Well yah, what other reason would I have to do so?"
"Really? and this was Alfred's idea?"
"Well, no it was my idea, but Alfred alerted me to your feelings on certain matters."
"So Alfred told you that spending the day with me would make everything better between us?"
"No, he told me that you feel like I don't care about you anymore outside of being Nightwing and well, I wanted to fix that because I couldn't stand the thought that you felt that way. So I thought maybe if we started spending more time together on a regular basis outside of patrol that it would fix things between us and then we wouldn't fight all the time."
"Oh I see. So you really wanted to make things better between us? You're serious?"
"Yes of course I am serious! Why would I lie to you about that?"
"So there was no other ulterior agenda there?"
"No! Dick of course not! why would you think that? I'm beginning to wonder what you think of me. If you think I would do something like that."
"No, it's just I know you and-"
"And what?" Bruce all but growled.
"You rarely do anything without an ulterior motive behind it and that ulterior motive usually has something to do with crime fighting or patrol or Gotham city in general."
"Oh really? So Alfred was right and you do think that Batman and patrol is all I care about!"
"Well...yeah! Only because it is true! I can't believe it took Alfred actually telling you for you to figure it out! I mean how oblivious can you be?"
Bruce was shocked. How had they gotten here? Dick used to think the world of him. He used to worship the ground he walked on. They had been partners, best friends, father and son and now, well now they fought all the time and Dick was saying he thought he didn't care about him anymore. In fact he was saying that he honestly believed that Batman and patrol was all he cared about. How had they gotten here and how had he never noticed how bad it was before now?
"Dick that is just-that is just not true ok? I care about you more than anything in the world. You mean everything to me. I could never ever care about the mission more than I care about you. After all you are my son."
"Not technically."
Bruce rolled his eyes and let out a big sigh.
"So it all comes back to that huh? Dick why does it always come back to that? Why does it bother you so much? and if it does bother you that much why won't you just let me adopt you?"
"You just don't understand ANYTHING do you?" Dick screamed.
"I don't want you to adopt me now because it wouldn't mean anything; because I am a legal adult. Besides, you would only be doing it because I want you to; not because you want to, it's totally different. If you had adopted me when I was a kid or even as a teenager it would have told me that you loved me; that you wanted to be my father officially now and forever. It would have told me that you would always be there for me; that no matter what I would always have a family. But you didn't and so I didn't know any of those things ever. Not for certain. I mean yah I assumed you felt that way when I was growing up because I couldn't figure out why you would take me in otherwise. However, I just-I don't know the situation never seemed permanent because you never did adopt me and you never really did give me anything else to go on verbally or otherwise so...and then you adopt Jason! Jason of all people Bruce! how could you do that to me? What horrible crime did I commit against you to deserve that huh? I did everything for you! Everything you asked! without question! How could you do that to me huh? How? I thought you loved me!
"Dick I-"
"And then you adopted Tim! Which is great. I mean I love Tim and I am glad you adopted him after his dad died so he could feel like a permanent part of the family. But for God's sake Bruce you rushed to make him an "official" part of the family as soon as he was an orphan because you felt bad for him and you didn't want him to feel alone or unsure of anything and-and...didn't you think I would like that too huh? I felt the exact same way you were so afraid Tim was going to feel. How could you rush to adopt Tim and Jason and not me huh? how? I want to know how! after all I have done for you!"
"First of all, I felt like Tim deserved it because well, he earned his right to be a part of this family and I felt bad and kind of responsible for what happened to his dad and I know that adopting him can never make up for that but I was hoping it would help somewhat. And the authorities weren't going to let me keep Jason unless I began the proceedings to adopt him."
"And?" Dick queried furiously, he had actually begun to cry during his whole impassioned speech and was just starting to get control of himself again.
"And...to be completely honest Dick I- I didn't know where to draw the line with you at first. I was afraid if I acted too much like your father then you would feel uncomfortable and feel like I was trying to replace your real father; or worse pushing you to forget about him, which is the last thing I would ever want. I know that if Alfred had done that to me I would have been uncomfortable or even upset about it. I never ever wanted you to feel like I was pushing to replace your parents or pushing you to forget about your parents. So I wasn't sure where to draw the line. I wanted to be your father so badly in every sense of the word. I love you so much. I loved you the moment I laid eyes on you after they died. I wanted to be that for you again, however I knew how I felt after my parents died and how I didn't want anybody else as a father I just wanted my own father. I mean don't get me wrong Alfred is great and I love him and I could not have gotten through any of it without him but he is not my father and he never will be. And I know that I felt guilty about even considering thinking of Alfred as my father and I didn't want you to feel that way. Once I got to know you a little bit, really know you, I loved you even more and I did consider it but, I was still afraid of making it official because I was afraid of your reaction to the whole idea. I wasn't sure if you would go for it. You seemed happy the way things were and I didn't want to rock the boat. I was also afraid that, because you are such a people pleaser, you would say yes because you would feel like you couldn't say no, and I didn't want that either. I didn't want to do it and then you wished I hadn't and you were resentful towards me because of it.
"So you are right and I am sorry I should have approached you about it and at least talked to you about it and not have been such a coward. But I never ever knew that you felt like your place here was impermanent. I thought you knew how I felt about you and that you became a permanent immovable part of my family the moment you moved in here. I thought you knew that I would always be there for you no matter what and that this would always be your home."
"Ok first of all, that is complete fucking bullshit! Because it is not true! because you did kick me out and so my place here was impermanent because when I was 18 you just kicked me out of your house your family and your life and you have never truly let me back in. You have kept me on the outside since then. And second of all how the fuck was I supposed to know how you felt about me if you never fucking told me Bruce huh? HUH? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? You never told me. You never showed me in any other way like say your actions, so how was I supposed to know?" Dick was really screaming now. Bruce was sure the whole house could hear him, he had no idea he was this upset, how could he have kept this all in for so long?
"I never meant for your place here to be or seem impermanent. I never meant for any of that stuff to happen Dick you have to believe me. I never planned on any of it."
"But it did happen, you caused it to happen. So how can you possibly say all that stuff when you are the one who caused it?"
"Because I never meant for that or any of this to happen ok?! I was wrong and I am sorry! I didn't fully realize the consequences of all of it until months afterwards and by then I was too proud and stubborn to call you and admit that I was wrong and that I was sorry and I missed you. And I know that you think me adopting the others means that they are more special or I love them more or something like that but it doesn't, it doesn't mean anything. All it means is that I was trying to fix the mistakes I made with you with other kids but I should have just tried to fix things with you instead. Hell the whole reason I even took in Jason was because I was hoping he could be another you and that maybe it would get my mind off of how much I missed you. And Tim well, you are right I felt bad because I didn't want him to feel adrift or in limbo or God forbid get stuck in the foster care system. I wanted him to know he had family and people who loved him, however you are right I should have done the same for you. However, you see, Tim and Jason are different from you. They never had great happy relationships with their parents to begin with. It wasn't like you and I. It wasn't like they were living some great happy Shangri-La life and then it got wrecked. So I never felt like I had to worry about replacing their parents because they weren't that close with them to begin with. But you-you were living this great happy life and then in one instant it got totally destroyed and you wound up having to be here all of a sudden. And I knew what that was like and I didn't want to add any pressure to you because I knew what you were already going through, at least partly. So I thought that I just needed to back off and give you space to breath and get adjusted to things. I am sorry if that was not the right move. I really was just trying to do what was best for you. That's all parents ever try to do. Whether they are right or not. I do truly love you Dick I swear I do. I am sorry I have always sucked so much at showing it and I feel horrible I could never say much to you in words. I just...it's extremely difficult for me, because for me the fear of doing such a thing, outweighs all other feelings I may have and it also outweighs any desire I may have to say or do anything to express my feelings. But you see that was what today was supposed to be all about. I mean I know it is a baby step and I wasn't expecting everything to change in one day, but I figured it was a start and I was hoping that maybe I could show you how I truly feel today or at least start to anyway. I thought probably the more we did it the more I could practice expressing my emotions."
"After 15 years you still have to 'practice?' Why Bruce? You know most people don't have to try this hard to show their emotions if they are truly genuine." He started to get up and grab his coat and move towards the door. "But I guess that is just too much to ask from you. I am sorry I-I keep expecting and hoping that you will change, but I see now that you are never going to because you simply don't know how. You aren't capable, and that's ok I just need to learn how to accept things the way they are and deal with them and not expect anything more." He said sadly. "I-I am sorry I um, I shouldn't have brought this up, it was a bad idea. Don't worry I won't ever ask you to talk about it again. "Um," he said as his voice started to quiver he knew he was going to burst into tears the second he walked out the door, "If you still wanted to hang out sometime outside of patrol that would be nice, but um, if you don't I understand. Don't worry I won't expect anything from you and I am really really sorry I brought this up. If you want to keep in touch that would be great. I would love it; but like I said I understand if you don't." He said as he began to walk out of the door. He had to walk quickly and hopefully he would get to the main door before he burst into tears, that was the last thing he needed, for Alfred to see him sobbing like that. However he wasn't sure he would be able to control himself for long.
It took Bruce a second to realize what was happening and respond. But when he did he raced out the door of the study after Dick. I have to catch him he thought, I can't let him leave like this.
"Dick-Dick wait!"
But Dick pretended as if he didn't hear him and just kept walking as quickly as possible towards the main door of the house.
"Dick! Dick wait!" Bruce kept calling but Dick didn't stop.
"Richard John Grayson you stop this instant! you do not walk away when I am talking to you!" Bruce said as he ran after him down the foyer.
Dick flinched at the use of his full name and for a moment, just out of habit he did stop and stand still. However, it was only for a moment because once he got over the shock of Bruce using his full name to summon him, he began moving on again. However it was enough time for Bruce to run up in front of him and block his path.
"Dick what the hell are you-I mean I don't know how to-what do you want from me?!" He shouted. "Look I am sorry. Ok? I don't know what else you want from me! I don't know how many other ways I can say it ok? What do you want me to say it in another language or something? would that make you feel better? Would that drill it through your thick skull anymore?" I am sorry! I can't change the past I can't make up for what I did or didn't do! All I can do is try and change the here and now Dick ok? and I am ok I am! But you have to let me! Ok? You have to at least give me a chance! And you have got to let me off the hook for some of this stuff eventually Dick. Eventually you are going to have to let go of it and move on and I am not saying it has to be right away because I know it is going to take a while. But Dick we are never going to be able to move on and get to a good place again if you keep bringing this up and we keep arguing over the same things over and over again. We will never get anywhere and we will never be able to have a good relationship again like we used to have. Don't you want that?"
"Of course Bruce, that is all I have wanted for-for almost seven years! I want that more than anything! I mean I love you and I miss you so much but-but-"
"You don't think I am capable of change or trying to be better."
"No, I really don't."
"And you don't want to get hurt again."
"No, I don't think I could take getting hurt like that again."
"So what then? you just want to give up? You want to be one of those families who only see each other on holidays or special occasions?"
"No Bruce of course not! But I just, I can't let you hurt me again ok? not like that."
"Ok, first of all, I am going to hurt you again probably, it won't be intentional but it will probably happen, but aren't you the one who always told me that relationships are worth the risk? That I was the one who was missing out by pushing people away and keeping them at arm's length? Aren't you the one who is always telling me that the reward of having a close intimate relationship with someone far outweighs the risks? Aren't you being just like me by pushing me away instead of taking a chance that this might work? That maybe we can be a close knit family again?"
"Yah well you know what they say about being once bitten..."
"Yah, twice shy I know. But Dick I promise you I will do everything in my power not to hurt you again and I will do everything in my power to be better towards you and show how much I really truly do love and care about you. However I can't make any guarantees, you and I both know there are no guarantees in life. And I also don't want you to expect miracles over night, I don't have a magic, personality changing wand you know."
"Although that would be nice." Dick chuckled and Bruce glared at him although he was smiling on the inside. Dick just made a joke and laughed. Did that mean everything was going to be ok?
"So what do you say? give it a try, son?"
Dick sighed. What choice did he have? he had to give in and give Bruce a try. He couldn't just cut him out of his life; he was his family. He was his father. Bruce was right he had to at least give him a chance if he ever wanted their relationship to return to even a semblance of what it used to be.
"Ok, dad." Dick said and smiled.
Hearing Dick call him 'dad' warmed his heart more than anything else in the world ever could have. Bruce knew that now everything was going to be ok. He just had to do his absolute best not to screw it up again and he had to be much more observant and aware of things, so that if things did go off the track again, he could set it straight before it got this far again.
Bruce put his arm around Dick and started leading him back towards the kitchen.
"Let's see what Alfred is cooking for dinner. You are staying for dinner aren't you?"
"Doesn't look like I have much of a choice." Dick smirked.
Bruce smiled. "No you don't."
"Well then in that case maybe I better stay over too. That way I can help you out with patrol and then we can spend the whole day together tomorrow like we were supposed to today. How does that sound?"
"That sounds great Dick absolutely great."
"Great now let's have some dinner. Cause I am starved!"
Bruce laughed. It was good to have Dick back again. It may take them a while to get back to a good place and they may even go off the track now and again but Bruce knew if they worked hard enough they could overcome anything.