August 25, 1991
Dear Charlie,
I'm glad to see that you can confide in me, even though you know so little. I'm sure that you wanted nothing more then for me to just listen, and be the one you feel like is here and really hears what you're saying. I would never, upon your request try to find out who you are, in hopes that you do the same here. If only you'd enclose a return address so I could return your letters to you, and not just basically journal to myself about what I feel is best in your given situation. I'm always listening, always.
I want you to know that being both happy and sad is something that isn't to worry about. It's something one can ponder on and look to for relief. One can be sad for any reason, and happy that there is a reason to be sad. It all kind of sounds like a paradox, and perhaps it is, but I completely understand what you mean by this. I mean, it's a fact in my life too that I've seen ups and downs. I've been happy and sad all in one moment. It's when you feel like you've been trying so hard at something, but you've given up a little because you know everything is going away in the end. I'm sure you'll soon understand what I mean.
It's a shame to hear about your friend Michael's tragic decision to leave this world behind us. I myself have had thoughts like that on occasion. Because I'm completely a third party, I think I have obligation to tell you that the fact that you could do nothing but morn for your friend, is captivating, and makes me respect you. I know sometimes crying holds negative connotation, but very few things in this world feel better then crying. But it's also good to know when to get a hold of yourself. I'm sure you've grown better at that, but I understand it can be really hard.
I'm glad that you have a good big brother though. I'm the oldest in my family, and I don't know how but better off I could have been with an older brother, an authoritative brother figure in my life. I am the big brother. I am the one who my siblings turn to for answers, and when they need anything, I'm always the one with the biggest ears it seems. Even my sister comes to me.
As for Michael's reasoning behind suicide, there is no real way to tell. I know that there will always be this looming cloud of question over your head, but I think it's best you just try not to understand why he did it, and focus on the fact that he'd no longer in any pain or any drama. There comes a time when I feel myself in question. I've seen almost everything, Charlie, and honestly, I always wonder why things happen the way they do. People will tell you many different things, but I will tell you one, and hold true to that one thing. It's not your fault, Charlie, and it will never be your fault.
I'd love to hear more about your Aunt Helen, she sounds like a wonderful person. I was never close to my aunts, but I did have an Uncle who I would have considered one of the coolest guys in the entire world. He was a little strange considering a poor history of his own, but there was lasting tension before he died.
I'm glad to hear your dad isn't much of the abusive type. My did hit me a lot as a child, but I've become more of a composed young man. Just remember Charlie, there is going to be a time when you remember back to these days and you decide how you're going to treat your children. Hopefully, considering you're only a freshman, that isn't till much later into the future. I wish I could have more to write. Charlie, you're simply brilliant with your words, and grotesquely descriptive. I hope your first day goes well. There will be a lot of ways for you to get through high school, and no one does it the same way. Keep your head high tomorrow, and don't let anything get you down. If you ever find yourself getting into a bad place, Charlie, please write. I've heard it does wonders.
Love Always,
Your Friend