Decision
By Riko Ozaki
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Disclaimer:
The characters portrayed herein are copyrighted to Anno Hideki and Studio Gainax. They are not my creations. If asked, I will pull this prose from the internet if it offends them.
Please excuse any mistakes which I may have made due to syntax and punctuation; English is not my primary language.
Thank you for reading, and please review. It helps me to progress in learning a new language, and prods me to be a better author.
This story was pre-read by 94Saturn, Jintsu, and Ikarus Onesun. Unfortunately, I did not receive Onesun-san's reply before this went to press.
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The archway of majestic cedars let a warm diffused light into the small clearing of this forest grove. A well-worn path of paving stones interspersed with ancient moss showed the way to this final resting place of those with no more cares or worries in this world. This clearing was located high above the newly-restored city of Tokyo-3, a short distance from the area known as the Terraces.
It had been three years since the failed attempt at Third Impact, and the world had slowly begun to heal from the excesses of man in his search to become like God. Many people who were thought to have died had miraculously been brought back to life, with no idea how they had been spared the trip over the river Styx. The only individual on the planet with the knowledge of how that had happened now stood squarely in the middle of the path into the quiet glen.
Ikari Shinji had changed over those last three years. Gone was the innocent, shy schoolboy. In his place was a grown man, with all the cares, worries, and baggage that all adults struggle to deal with on a daily basis. His boyish features had matured and hardened into a rough equivalent of his father's visage at seventeen. This was accentuated by the aviator-style prescription glasses hooked over his ears and perched comfortably upon the bridge of his nose. Missing from the younger Ikari also was his penchant for his school uniform. In its place that day, was a three-piece grey suit bearing tags from Versace, brown Italian loafers, and a ponytail which would have made Kaji Ryoji proud.
Adjusting his matching grey-striped tie slightly, and using his right hand to slick back his hair, he slowly walked into the small grotto of calmness. Glancing to the left, past the shrine gates, he noticed a caretaker /gardener slowly and calmly clipping grass which had started to overgrow one of the rantobas. The caretaker was kneeling on kneepads; a green samue as clothing with black socks and traditional straw zori sandals. Green gardening gloves and a wide-brimmed straw hat rounded out the ensemble, and ensured that their body was totally covered.
"Must not like the sun, or be allergic to it, but that must be hot for them." Shinji thought with some compassion, as he then pushed the caretaker from his thoughts and returned to the main reason for his visit.
Turning to his right, he gazed upon the rectangle of stone inset into the ground. Taking six slow steps, he then knelt down to read again the name inscribed upon the stone. He rolled her name around in his mind, recalling their times together, and then voiced his thoughts out loud in a soft voice.
"It has been three years since that awful time in Tokyo-3. I'm glad to say that things have gotten better since the last time I visited you. The sessions with the psychotherapist helped me see what I was doing to myself, and opened my eyes to the changes I needed to make. It's been hard, but I feel like a new person. You probably wouldn't even know me if you could meet me now." he stated with a slight up-beat tone.
The caretaker stopped their cutting of grass, and slightly turned their head in the direction of the one-sided conversation.
"But there are some things that are still keeping me from gaining a sense of closure on this whole mess." Shinji slowly sighed as his right hand clenched and relaxed unconsciously at his side. His calm façade cracked as he dredged up the past and stared at it with an iron resolve.
"Why didn't you come back? Everyone else did. Even that rat-bastard of a non-existent father of mine chose to return! I lay awake at night wondering if I said or did something to keep you from returning."
Looking down, he saw small droplets of water that had splashed on the stone with the engraved kanji : "Ayanami Rei -2016".
"I remember the first time we met...as father tried to force you to pp...pilot Unit-01. I think...NO; I know that I felt something for you at that point. And then before the fifth Angel, how we talked before the attack. And after I killed the Angel and thought I had lost you...my heart was frozen in my chest. But then to see you alive, to see you smile for me..."
The caretaker bowed their own head, feeling the remorse that emanated from the young man, as some of their raven-black hair came free from under their hat.
"...After the sixteenth Angel, and finding out that it wasn't you in that body, I...I...just felt as though my world ended. I guess what they say is true: a person does not know what they have, until they lose that most important thing to them. Of all the people I wanted back, you were the one that I felt needed a second chance, Rei. But it seems that I failed in that, also. I am so sorry, Rei..."
With this last comment, Shinji reverently leaned forward until his forehead rested upon the rantoba; his hands clutched grass tufts on either side of the stone. His tears then fell unabated as he finally broke down and openly wept for the person that meant so much to him. For the first time in over three years, Ikari Shinji loosened the steel bands around his heart, and finally gave himself over to mourning his lost love. He remained that way for almost two minutes, as his short, racking sobs echoed through the clearing.
Finally gaining some self-control back, he wiped his eyes clear of tears and sat back on his heels. With a look of determination now firmly planted upon his visage, he shakily stated:
"I just wanted to tell you this Rei, because I may not be back for a while. With the help of my psychotherapist, I have finally come to terms with my past, and I am ready to move forward with my life."
Shinji then carefully stood, still looking down at the stone. His voice steadying and his resolve growing, he clasped his right hand with his left behind his back and whispered, "I will be moving to the outskirts of Hiroshima-2 and starting college this spring semester. I would have liked to think that we might have been going to school together again, but I guess it was never meant to be."
He then stepped toward the new marker placed slightly to the right of the rantoba and gently caressed the face of it. Etched into the granite face of the tombstone he had purchased two days ago were the names: Ayanami Rei 30/03/2001? - 01/01/2016, and Ikari Shinji 06/06/2001 - ; his kanji being overlaid with a coat of Chinese-red paint. Even though they were never married, he felt that the old tradition of placing his name on her monument would show the world how he felt about the cerulean-haired enigma.
In his mind, it just felt right to do this, and gave him that sense of closure he so desperately needed to put this last link with the past behind him.
The young man then grasped the cold piece of stone in both hands as he raised his gaze to the heavens and closed his eyes.
"You will always be with me in my heart, Rei. I will never forget you. I love you. Goodbye."
Shinji released his grip on the memorial, opened his eyes, and turned to leave the graveyard. He passed by the gardener, not even noticing that they were still there. As he slowly walked away, down the light-dappled path between the cedars, a small noise was uttered from the area of the shrine. Shinji disappeared into the distance, hands in pockets, and the noise became a stuttering sob.
The caretaker stood up and looked longingly after the image of the young man, her brown eyes with golden scintillations puffy and swollen from crying.
A black-haired and brown-eyed Rei Ayanami.
"Shinji..."
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Author's Notes:
Memorial services for the deceased are held on the 1st anniversary of death, after which the 3rd the 7th and the 17th anniversaries are usually observed with somewhat elaborate ceremonies.
Samue: Traditional Japanese work clothing, or Monk's robes. "" (Samu) means everyday labor work as practiced by Zen Buddhists, and "" (e) means clothing. The samue was originally designed to offer freedom of movement and comfort. (Sorry if the kanji do not show-up; blame it on FFN and Microsoft Word.)
A rantoba is a grave marker or stone where the departed soul is worshipped.
When a married person dies before his or her spouse, the name of the spouse may also be engraved on the stone, with the letters painted red. After the death and the burial of the spouse the red ink is removed from the stone. It can also be seen as a sign that they are waiting to follow their spouse into the grave.
Ozaki Riko Page 5 1/25/2008