300 Ways to Prepare Kiwi
Summary: A one-shot humorous little ficlet. During a trek with the infamous Peredhil twins, a young Legolas has his first encounter with alcohol...
Disclaimer: Ok, all I have to say is that you have something weird going on in your head if you think I own anything Tolkien-related (except, of course, for this charming little story!).
Author's Note: Buenos Diaz everyone! It's Maddy here, presenting a random plot-bunny attack that she ACTUALLY FINISHED! Ok, so it's only one chapter. Anyway, heads up! This is supposed to be a little stupid (hey, it involves drunk elves, what did you expect?). Please don't flame me saying that I misrepresented these characters, because the whole point of the story is to be funny and weird.
Also, I'm really, really sorry that I took my previous story off. It doesn't mean I'm not going to finish it, because I AM! I just want to tweak it a little without having to worry about posting schedules and reviews and all that crap. I'll probably have it back by the end of the month (of September, people), and if not, feel free to flood my inbox.
BTW, is this stupid formatting junk bothering anyone besides me? If the formatting on this fic is all weird, that's why, LOL.
This little ficlet could probably count as a member of the Namesake Chronicles, sort of a prequel. So here are the stories included in the series:
-The Namesake Chronicles-
300 Ways to Prepare Kiwi
(Coming Soon!!) There and Back Again
That said, bona petite!
Baerdon bore a puzzled look on his face as he watched the retreating backs of three tall figures, two of which were supporting a staggering blonde one in between them. How they even made it out of the undersized door without incident was beyond the bearded bartender. He raised his eyebrows in skeptical acceptance and returned to the never-ending process of cleaning the counter. The drunken noises that filled the local bar continued, and all had finally returned to normal (well, for a tavern, at least), when he heard the familiar footsteps of a daily customer.
Phillip, who had just stridden through the door, had an amused expression on his face as he waited for Baerdon to toss away the dirty rag and come to him. He had just seen the...there was no word good enough to explain the absurdity of what he had just seen outside the run-down building. The twisted look was still on his face when the middle-aged bartender made his way over to him. Baerdon raised one bushy-black eyebrow in question as he looked over his long-time friend.
"Did you know," Phillip whispered in answer, "that three elves just walked out of your door?" Baerdon rolled his eyes.
Oh, ye' noticed them, did ye'?" the man sighed, unconsciously grabbing an empty tankard and filling it with the usual house brew.
"Well, it was sort of hard not to," his friend snorted, "two of the chaps toppled head first into the lake!"
Baerdon looked up with yet another exasperated sigh and mumbled, "Figur's."
"What the hel-..." Phillip started, but was cut off by the bearded landlord.
"Ye don' want ter know."
o-o-o-o-o-o
Earlier...
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"NO! Stop asking!"
Legolas couldn't understand it. He was nearly half a century older than most of the haggard-looking men around the tavern, yet he, unlike them, had never before been allowed a single glass of ale...of ANY kind. True, to those of his race, he was merely the equivalent of a teenage human, and he even looked the part, but that didn't deter him from his ultimate goal. Being away from his overprotective father and lounging in a bar with two elves that should have understood his desire, he hadn't missed the opportunity to wheedle a coin or two out of either twin.
Legolas Greenleaf folded his arms angrily and glared at the two identical elves sitting across from him. The sons of Elrond glared back, effectively annoyed, and were silent. The three had traveled recently from Mirkwood, an envoy from the king himself to check on local affairs of Laketown. Elladan and Elrohir, who had been visiting the halls of Thranduil with their father, Elrond, had immediately volunteered along with Legolas for the welcome adventure. So there they were, having been there for the better part of fifteen minutes while waiting for a meal from The Wild Boar, and listening to an extremely perturbed Legolas beg for a tankard of ale.
"Why can't I..." Legolas began once more...
"NO!!" both of the elves shouted at once, attracting the eyes of a few people around them. Legolas mumbled a few choice words under his breath, giving in to defeat, when a sudden gleam appeared in his eye, and he turned, smiling, to Elrohir.
"That's fine, I guess," he began, struggling to keep down the smile that tugged on his lips. Elrohir raised an eyebrow, shifting a bit in his chair, wondering at the change in the prince's attitude. "I'm sure we could find something interesting to talk about. Elrohir, do you remember the last time you visited us? You found that one book and..."
"Ai!" burst out Elrohir, jumping across the table to cover the blonde elf's mouth with his hand, "fine, fine, fine! Just take it and don't say another word, for the love of Valar!" Elrohir roughly shoved a golden coin into Legolas' hand, who smiled gratefully and walked triumphantly up to the bartender.
"What was all that about?" Elladan asked his younger sibling with genuine puzzlement in his voice. The elf in questing shifted in his chair nervously, thinking quickly of a way to avoid answering the question, but was saved when Legolas plopped back down in his chair, smugly eyeing an extremely tall tankard of a thick, amber liquid. The twins wrinkled their noses and tentatively sniffed the unknown substance, causing them to further their disgust.
"What is that?" Elladan asked.
"A pint of the house brew," Legolas replied without concern. The dark-haired elves shot an alarmed look at each other. Legolas' youthful body would not be able to hold a pint of whatever the house brew was, both Peredhils could tell you that much. But the naive prince had brought this upon himself. Besides, it would be the perfect solution to what had proved to be a monotonous evening.
Neither knew what they had gotten themselves into.
o-o-o-o-o-o
Thirty minutes later found Elrohir massaging his temples. Why, oh why did he ever let their younger companion have the house brew? Why? It had taken less than thirty seconds for the alcohol to take affect on the prince's system, and he had been chattering and giggling ever since. By now, he must hold the record for talking without breathing, he thought with dismay. He glanced over at his brother, a pleading look in his eye. The elf in question was searching the room furtively for a distraction. His eyes landed on a tiny merchant sitting by a cart outside the window. He was selling fruit.
"Um, Legolas," he said, "do you see that cart outside the window?"
Legolas didn't look the slightest bit put off by being interrupted from his telling of a famous escapade. "Yesss, why?" he slurred, trying to focus on Elladan.
"Why don't you get us a bite to eat," suggested Elrohir, catching on to his brother's scheme and sliding yet another gold coin across the table. The prince looked at the coin as if trying to remember what it was for, then picked it up and stumbled out the door.
"Fresh fruit! Fresh fruit! You, lad! Yes, with the long hair, come over here," squeaked the small man at Legolas, "ever had kiwi before?"
"Kiiiiiwiiii?" he replied.
"Just picked yesterday! Try one, on the house!" he beamed jovially, slapping a green fruit into the elf's hand. Legolas stared at it for a moment, trying to focus.
"What about a recipeeeeeee book?" he asked, swaying slightly. The merchant frowned, wondering if this customer was slightly touched in the head.
"Erm, recipe book?" he questioned, hoping he had heard wrong. Legolas continued, nonplussed.
"Yep. Three-hundred ways to preeeepare kiiiiiwiiiii," he confirmed. The man shook his head in answer, politely trying to move his business elsewhere. The prince overlooked that particular action, and proceeded to ask yet another meaningless question.
"What abooooooooout a name?" he said.
"Come again," the small man replied with raised eyebrows.
"Well, it'ssssss got to have an naaaaaame," said Legolas matter-of-factly.
"The kiwi?"
"Glorfindel!" Legolas shouted, ecstatic with his brilliance. The poor fruit man took a step back, just in case the young being turned dangerous, and forced a smile onto his face.
"Uh, yes, that's the spirit. Good day to you," he muttered hurriedly, pushing his over-laden cart hastily in the opposite direction. Legolas stared in his direction for a few minutes and then, as though no time had passed at all, swaggered inside the door. He ambled up to the front of the room and hopped (or, rather, tried to) onto an old, wooden table, knocking multiple tankards onto their owners in the process. He seemed unabashed by the growling of his surrounding company, and promptly proceeded to making his 'special announcement'.
"Laaadies annnnnd Gennnnnnnllemenn," he pronounced stupidly, "weee have annn hooonored guest toooonight," with that he held the kiwi on high and proclaimed in a commanding voice, "Glorfindel, sooon of Kiiiwiiii!"
Meanwhile, toward the back of the establishment, Elrohir was seriously considering taking out his hunting knife to his neck and ending it all. Elladan, on the other hand, was very nearly banging his head on the table, muttering elvish curse words under his breath. They watched, horrified, as Legolas' meaningless speech resulted in grunts of anger, and several men stood up, bearing steak knives.
"Oh, dear," muttered Elladan, grabbing his brother and jumping to the prince's aid. The twins hurriedly snatched the prince from harms way, tipping even more ales in the process, and placed the young drunk between them.
"No more kiwi for you," chided Elrohir, grabbing the newly christened 'Glorfindel', and tossing it over his shoulder.
"Especially whilst intoxicated," agreed Elladan, opening the beaten door. The threesome made their way slowly around the walkways, trying in vain to safely navigate through the crowds that covered the town during the late hours. Elladan took one more look at Legolas, wondering at the hangover the young elflings would receive come morning.
"He does know that he has to meet with the king tomorrow, does he not?" he questioned his brother.
"Not yet," came the snide reply, and the two gave way to their laughter.
Unbeknownst to the twins while they were laughing, the blonde being between them was looking oddly at the lake, his eyes gleaming with interest.
"I feeeeeeeeel like aaaaaaaaa nicccccce swimmmmmmmm."
So, did ya like? I hope so! Please, please, PLEASE review (see little box in the left bottom corner, placed as if they DON'T want you to review us poor, underpaid authors)! And stay tuned for There and Back Again, coming soon!
Oh, and go to my bio to visit the Namesake Chronicles website. It's a wip, but it has some info, and a snazzy poster for There and Back Again.
Little extra note, I highly recommend 'Senorita' and 'Heaven', two awesome songs by the Los Lonely Boys!
Adios!!
-CzechChicka-