A/N: hey evewyone! i just thought this abridged movie should be on so here it is! this is part 1 so stay tuned!
warnings: mild language and slight sexual comments
disclaimer: who said i owned yugioh? i don't even own this story! think people!...
Chapter 1: stranger
YUSEI: Jack.
JACK (Constantly yelling): YUSEI!
YUSEI: There's something you should know.
JACK: WHAAAAAT IS IT, YUSEI?
YUSEI: Card games on motorcycles.
(Beat)
JACK: WHAT?
YUSEI: I said, card games on motorcycles.
JACK: I BEG YOUR PARDON?
YUSEI: I said, card games on motorcycles!
JACK: WHAT THE HELL IS A MOTORCYCLE?
YUSEI: You're kidding, right?
JACK: HEY, CROW! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT A MOTORCYCLE IS?
CROW: Can't say that I do, Jack.
JACK: YEAH, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
YUSEI: But we ride them all the time. It's our trademark.
JACK: WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?
YUSEI: So that we can play card games on them.
JACK: THAT SOUNDS STUPID.
YUSEI: Jack, you're scaring me.
JACK: COME ON, CROW, LET'S GO PLAY A CARD GAME, WHILE STANDING COMPLETELY STILL... (dramatic zoom with Jack's last three words) ON. THE. GROUND.
YUSEI: (stereotypical dramatic slo-mo voice) NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
(Yusei wakes up suddenly in his sleeping bag next to his motorcycle.)
YUSEI: GAHUH! (pants) Oh, thank God!
(Cut to Doctor Who-style opening, with title and cast, and a Yu-Gi-Oh trading card replacing the TARDIS)
LITTLEKURIBOH THEAZURECROW SHADYVOX
Yu-Gi-Oh! BONDS BEYOND TIME ABRIDGED
(Cut to rap beat-timed zoom in on Earth, finally reaching Venice.)
JADEN: Yeah! Ah!
CAPTION: Venice, Italy: The Not Too Distant Future
(Jaden is jumping everywhere around Venice while dodging fireballs)
JADEN: I'm Batman! (explosion; Jaden jumps) Woah! (Rapping) Y'all gon' make me get my game on! Up in here! Up in here! Y'all gon' make me throw a face-down! Up in here! Up in here! (No longer rapping) Well it's a good thing I play a lot of Assassin's Creed! Huh? Okay, pal, you obviously don't know who I am. The name's Jaden Yuki! (zoom in on Jaden) And I'm absolutely flawless! (starts singing) Oh, how about a little help, Neos? (Neos deflects an attack; music stops) It's a good thing Venice is apparently empty, or that might have been kind of dangerous.
PARADOX (a parody of Mandark from Dexter's Laboratory with Elmer Fudd's speech impediment): Pwotagonist!
JADEN: No, it's Jaden.
PARADOX: I am here for the one who destwoyed the future.
JADEN: Look there must be some kind of mistake. I'm Jaden Yuki.
PARADOX: Yes, that is wight.
JADEN: But I'm harmless! I couldn't destroy anything!
PARADOX: Cowwection! I think you will find you destwoyed Yu-Gi-Oh!'s cwedability. And now I am going to destwoy you with my Mawefic monsters! (Mandark laugh) Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha!
(Cut to Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds timeline)
CAPTION: Neo Domino: The Way Too Distant Future
(Yusei looks onto city)
YUSEI: (sigh) It's times like this that I just like to stand here and enjoy the peaceful serenity of a beautiful spring morni-
JACK: (from behind Yusei) YUUUUUUUUSEIIIIIIIIIII!
YUSEI: (deadpan) What.
JACK: HI!
YUSEI: (still deadpan) Hello, Jack.
CROW: Hey Yusei, can you settle a bet?
YUSEI: What bet?
CROW: Is it gay to like the movie Top Gun?
JACK: IT'S TOTALLY NOT!
CROW: Shut-up Jack. Let Yusei decide.
JACK: OKAY.
YUSEI: Well-
JACK: BUT IT'S NOT GAY.
YUSEI: Well, obviously it's not.
JACK: SEE?
YUSEI: How could a movie where the male protagonists call each other cute nicknames, and play volleyball, and ride their phallic vehicles at extremely high speeds, be anything but straight?
CROW: I dunno. Still seems kind of gay to me.
JACK: NOW THAT THAT'S SETTLED, LET'S GO RIDE OUR MOTORCYCLES AND PLAY SOME HALF-NAKED VOLLEYBALL.
YUSEI: You can be my wingman anytime, Jack.
JACK: NO, YUSEI, YOU CAN BE MINE.
(Cut to Yusei, Jack and Crow riding their motorcycles on an empty freeway)
JACK: (begins singing part of the song "Highway to the Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins horribly off-key and barely qualifying as singing) DODODUDODO HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE! YEAH! GONNA TAKE YOU RIDING...! (not attempting to sing anymore) OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO STRAIGHT, YOU GUYS!
(American Bad Ass by Kid Rock starts)
PARADOX: (appearing on a motorcycle behind them) Pwotagonist!
YUSEI: Wait! Who's that?
JACK: I DUNNO! BUT HIS HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL! OOOOH!
YUSEI: Jack, look out!
JACK: CROW, LOOK OUT!
CROW: Wario, look out!
WARIO: I'm-a gonna win!
PARADOX: I have you now, Pwotagonist! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! (his motorcycle skids the highway) I don't know why I did that. Seems kind of dangerous, actually.
JACK: YUSEI! SHOW HIM YOUR JUNK!
YUSEI: What?
JACK: WARRIOR! SHOW HIM YOUR JUNK WARRIOR!
YUSEI: I've got a better idea. Come on out, Stardust Dragon!
JACK: OKAY, NOW WHIP OUT YOUR JUNK AND WAVE IT AT HIM!
YUSEI: What?
JACK: WARRIOR!
(Opening part of The Final Showdown-Beelzeboss by Tenacious D plays.)
PARADOX: And now, Pwotagonist, watch as I turn your favowite monster into a cwappy Phwee-Dee effect! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha!
(movie and music suddenly stops)
MARTIN BILLANY'S VOICE: We at Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged would like to apologize for the lack of 3D content in this movie. (red "no *insert object name here*" symbol is shown in front of a pair of 3D glasses) However, we would like to think this is totally justified since 3D is bullsh*t and adds absolutely nothing to the cinema experience. (Paradox's Duel Runner is now shown) So please, enjoy your 2D movie, because it's cheaper and much less obnoxious.
(movie continues, minus music)
PARADOX: (leaving to the sounds of the TARDIS dematerializing) Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha!
YUSEI: I totally won that duel.
(later, at a clock shop)
JACK: YUSEI! THAT GUY STOLE YOUR STARDUST DRAGON CARD! WHAT A DICK! I KNOW I DID IT IN SEASON ONE, BUT...UH...I...UH...HE'S A DICK!
CROW: Why did he even take your card in the first place?
YUSEI: Probably to humiliate me in front of my girlfriend.
AKIZA: Oh don't be silly, Yusei! You know I'd never be embarrassed-
YUSEI: (cutting off Akiza) For the last time! I'm dating a motorcycle!
AKIZA: But why date a motorcycle when you can have me?
YUSEI: Tell her, Jack.
JACK: GIRLS ARE SMELLY.
YUSEI: He's right, they are.
AKIZA: Well I think motorcycles are smelly!
YUSEI: Get out.
AKIZA: Bu-
YUSEI: Get. Out.
LUNA (A parody of Snarf from Thundercats): Lion-O! Check out what we found on the Internet. Snarf! Snarf!
YUSEI: (reading what would seem to be a clichéd line from a Yusei/Jack yaoi fanfic) "And then Jack turned to Yusei and said 'Come over here and kick my engines into overdrive.'"
LUNA: Here Snarf! The other page Lion-O! Snarf! Snarf!
CROW: Hey, isn't that Pegasus the creator of Duel Monsters? Yeah, and next to him is Yugi Moto, the King of Card Games!
YUSEI: What the hell is wrong with his hair?
JACK: YUGI MUTO? HE WAS THE GREATEST DUELIST WHO EVER LIVED!
YUSEI: It says here that he died a virgin and his last words were "Oh God, I've wasted my life".
JACK: THE GREATEST DUELIST WHO EVER LIVED. I LOVE HIM.
CROW: It also says that dragons appeared and destroyed most of Europe ten years ago...What?
YUSEI: Wait. Look! It's him!
JACK: YOU FOUND WALDO?
YUSEI: It's the guy who stole my card!
JACK: WALDO STOLE YOUR CARD?!
YUSEI: Jack.
JACK: YUSEI!
YUSEI: No.
JACK: 'KAY!
CROW: There's only one explanation for this. He must have traveled through time to steal Yusei's card so he could go back to the past and wreak havoc on the world.
JACK: WOW, CROW! HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?
CROW: It's all right here in his Wikipedia article.
YUSEI: Well, if it's on the Internet, it must be true.
AKIZA: Look! Outside!
(black soot can be seen falling from the sky outside from the window as Marik and Bakura's Theme plays)
JACK: YAY! IT'S SNOWING! NO SCHOOL FOR US TODAY!
YUSEI: I don't think that's snow, Jack.
(cut to everyone going outside, where boulders and other objects are falling around people)
YUSEI: The world seems to be disintegrating around us.
(A rock falls on a man, making a *squish*)
JACK: I'M GOING TO BUILD A SNOWMAN!
(The sign of the Crimson Dragon appears on Yusei's back.)
AKIZA: Hey! I have a tramp stamp just like that.
YUSEI: Strange...I can feel the Crimson Dragon calling to me.
("The Never Ending Story" theme song plays in the background)
CRIMSON DRAGON (A parody of Falkor from The Neverending Story): Atreyuuuuu!
YUSEI: What is it, Crimson Dragon?
CRIMSON DRAGON: You must follow me into the past.
YUSEI: Wait, since when could you travel through time?
CRIMSON DRAGON: Since like, forever. Kind of a big deal.
YUSEI: In that case, can you take me back in time to see my parents?
CRIMSON DRAGON: Nooooo. That would be a lame use of my powers. Remember, once you hit eighty-eight miles per hour-
YUSEI: I'm going to see some serious sh*t?
CRIMSON DRAGON: Nooooo. You'll be violating the speed limit. So do try to drive slower than that.
(TARDIS materialization noise plays)
YUSEI: I must drive to the past to save the future and my friends.
JACK: BYE, YUSEI! DON'T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW! IT'S PEEEEEEEEEEE!
(song stops)
(Cut to GX timeline, with Jaden and Paradox, and Ominous Latin Chanting in the background)
PARADOX: Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Any last words before I destwoy you and take your wawest monster, Mr. Pwotagonist?
JADEN: I keep telling you, my name is Jaden!
PARADOX: Mawefic Stardust Dwagon, show him the twue power of Pawadox!
(Jaden gets hit by Malefic Stardust Dragon's powerful blast)
JADEN: Okay! That tears it! Venice SUUUUCKS! (he falls over) Next year I'm vacationing in Germany! Nothing bad ever happens there!
PARADOX: Stardust, here is your chance for an all-out attack.
JADEN: (childlike voice) Mother.
(Neverending Story music starts up again)
CRIMSON DRAGON: (appearing out of nowhere) Atreyuuuuu!
YUSEI: (on his motorcycle) Paradox.
PARADOX: Pwotagonist?
YUSEI: I came-
PARADOX: What?
YUSEI: -to the past.
PARADOX: Oh.
YUSEI: But I also had an orgasm.
PARADOX: Ewww!
JADEN: Ha! Nice!
PARADOX: But how? How did you follow me back in time?
(song dies)
YUSEI: I don't know.
JADEN: Dang, son, that is one awesome motorbike you're-
YUSEI: You're not riding it.
JADEN: Worth a shot.
PARADOX: Now I'm going to leave this time-line... for no weason! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha!
(Paradox disappears with his Duel Runner)
YUSEI: I totally won that duel.
JADEN: We weren't even dueling.
YUSEI: Duh! Because I won!
A/N: hey guys! what do you think? i have to give credit to wikipedia! such brilliant writers! i just really thought that this story should be on its just really funny. any see you guys later!