The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is on the Internet. Some people never learn.
Get Smart With Krieger's Korner
"Hello everybody!" Krieger waved. "This is Dr. Krieger here on Krieger's Korner. Everybody's favorite podcast! Right here from the bullpen at the Figgis Agency! With me are two of my usual suspects. Pam Poovey and Ray Gillette!"
"What's happening?" Pam waved. "I'm back America!"
"That would imply you ever left," Ray quipped.
"Today we have a special guest," Krieger said. "See Cheryl is out for the day."
"And by out," Ray spoke up. "We mean she passed out. After drinking some absinthe that she found in Ms. Archer's office."
"So today we've decided to bring in the figurative head of the Figgis Agency and our good acquaintance," Krieger introduced. "Cyril Figgis!"
"Hello," Cyril waved.
"Today's webisode is sponsored by the Figgis Agency," Krieger said cheerfully. "The Figgis Agency. If you don't have a clue, this is the place to go!"
"Because neither do we!" Pam laughed.
"This was a bad idea wasn't it?" Cyril groaned.
"That's never stopped any of us before," Ray pointed out.
"Okay it's time for the educational part of Krieger's Korner," Krieger said. "It's Fun Facts time! The time we try to enlighten our audience."
"Krieger," Ray said. "If our audience wants to be enlightened, they'd watch another show."
"BURN!" Pam laughed.
"Here's an interesting fact," Krieger told the gang. "A toilet seat is usually cleaner than parts of the kitchen. A cutting board has more fecal bacteria and other kinds of germs."
"That's one of the reasons I don't mind eating in the bathroom," Pam said.
"Some of the food I've eaten tasted it came from the bathroom," Ray groaned.
"There are over 450 species of sharks in the ocean," Krieger said.
"Coincidentally," Ray said. "There are over 360 species of sharks in the boardroom!"
"Not counting lawyers, right?" Pam asked.
"This is what I read," Ray said. "A ten-year-old accidentally created a new molecule in science class. Tentranitratoxycarbon."
"Big whoop," Krieger waved. "I've been accidentally creating entire species since I was eight!"
"I believe that," Cyril said.
"That's when my father gave me my first real chemistry set and DNA scrambler," Krieger sighed. "And my very first lab rats. And a drum set! Best Christmas ever!"
"One of these days we got to find out more about Krieger's childhood," Ray remarked.
"I'm scared to find out," Cyril said. "But at the same time, I gotta know!"
"Me too," Pam nodded. "I just found this out. A high fiber diet may make treatments of skin cancer more effective. And decreases your chances of getting cancer in the first place. That's why I eat a lot of fiber!"
"That also explains why you spend several hours in the toilet," Cyril remarked.
"The world's oldest known creature was a 507-year-old mollusk," Krieger said. "Until it was killed by mistake."
"I said I was sorry!" Pam snapped. "But I was craving a good clam chowder so…"
"So let's please move on," Ray groaned.
"It's not like I didn't pay for it," Pam groaned. "Third worst bowel movement I ever had."
"After the smell you made, we all paid for it," Cyril groaned.
"Sunflowers can be used to clean up radioactive waste," Pam said.
"I should invest in those," Krieger remarked.
"Especially if you keep making Pigglys," Cyril added.
"Eating salmon makes hair grow faster," Ray spoke up.
"Why do you think I have a luscious beard?" Krieger grinned.
"That is a nice beard," Pam nodded. "It only takes six minutes for brain cells to react to alcohol. Five and a half if you're an Archer. Three if you're a Tunt."
"Scientists have finally concluded that the chicken came first," Krieger said. "Not the egg! Due to finding a protein in egg shells that only comes from hens."
"Again," Pam looked at Krieger. "Did you ever hear of these new things called dinosaurs? They laid eggs before there were chickens!"
"Okay if you are talking eggs in general then yes," Krieger said. "Eggs came first. But chicken eggs didn't show up until the very first chicken showed up!"
"And where did that chicken come from?" Pam asked. "An egg! Ergo it was a chicken egg! So eggs came first!"
"But the species that laid it wasn't technically a chicken!" Krieger said.
"But the thing that came out of that egg was!" Pam said. "Which makes it a chicken egg!"
"Such scintillating conversation we have around here," Ray groaned.
"This is what you people do on this show?" Cyril blinked. "Just spout out a bunch of useless random facts that you got off the Internet?"
"Pretty much yeah," Pam nodded.
Cyril thought. "Every three days elevators carry the equivalent of the Earths' entire population."
"Like that," Pam said.
Cyril went on. "The simple elevator was invented in about the third century BC in Greece by the mathematician Archimedes."
"You've got the concept," Pam said.
Cyril went on. "Statistically elevators are the safest mode of transportation."
"Not while we are on one," Ray muttered.
Cyril kept going. "Elevators are twenty times safer than escalators."
"And this show got twenty percent more boring," Pam groaned.
Cyril added another fact. "In fact, while there are only approximately 26 elevator related deaths per year. There are twenty-six car fatalities every five hours!"
"ENOUGH!" Pam shouted. "You know how the show works. We get it! Now shut up!"
Cyril was annoyed. "How was what I was doing more annoying than what you were doing?"
"It just was!" Pam snapped.
"Seriously Cyril," Ray said. "Get a clue."
Krieger paused. "Did you know that most people that do die in elevators are elevator technicians?"
"Krieger!" Pam snapped.
"I did know that," Cyril nodded.
"Like I knew asking Cyril to be on this show was a mistake," Pam groaned. "Can we stop with the facts now and talk about something else? Anything else?"
"How about we talk about business news?" Cyril asked.
Ray looked at Pam. "You did say anything."
"I knew we should have asked Ron to be on this show," Pam grumbled.
"Pam come on," Krieger said. "It wouldn't hurt to talk about other topics. I think a business segment is not a bad idea."
"Yeah if you want to put the audience to sleep!" Pam snapped.
"Pam there are a lot of exciting and interesting things going on in the business world," Cyril said.
"You mean like the retail apocalypse?" Ray asked.
"Yes," Cyril said. "But you're not supposed to call it that."
Ray looked at Cyril. "Well what are you supposed to call it when a major business either declares bankruptcy or shuts down a ton of stores at least once a week?"
"I think we've gone past apocalypse," Pam said. "When even dollar stores are closing we've jumped straight to the Purge!"
"There have been a lot of stores closing more than usual lately," Krieger said. "I mean I get it if it's once a year a business or two goes. But lately they've been dropping off like flies exposed to ether."
"Like that electric car company that's no longer having stores in malls," Ray pointed out. "And they are not the only ones."
"For one thing…" Pam paused. "Car stores in a mall? Seriously? How the hell are you supposed to take a test drive? Zip around the food court?"
"You can drive around Mears," Krieger added. "No traffic there."
"How is that store still in business?" Pam asked. "I never see anyone in there! Including salespeople."
"A lot of the major chains are in trouble," Krieger nodded. "Although I heard that CPJ Nickel's stock is soaring."
"A dollar forty-eight is an interesting definition of soaring," Cyril remarked.
"That stock went up a dollar forty-eight?" Ray asked.
"No," Cyril corrected. "It is a dollar forty-eight."
"That is a very interesting definition of soaring," Krieger said. "Like Archer's definition of sober is only drinking two glasses of scotch and some tequila."
"What the hell was it before?" Pam asked.
"Ninety-seven cents," Cyril said.
"That is not soaring," Ray shook his head. "That is jumping up in the air and praying you stay up. And then you manage to stay up half a second before you come crashing down to Earth!"
"You know that store is like two heartbeats away from being the next Mears," Pam said. "Mears is like my Aunt Patricia. She was at death's door at least seventeen times before she died. Once they took her off life support for her to die. Five minutes later she was out of the coma. Then a week later she went back into the coma. Then she rallied again briefly for three days before going into another coma. Mears is the Aunt Patricia of major retail stores."
"All I know is," Krieger shrugged. "Whenever a store is closing, I get some really good deals. Once I got a fifty-dollar human skeleton for like twenty bucks! Twenty bucks for a good skeleton!"
"You mean one of those plastic store skeleton models?" Cyril asked.
Krieger paused. "Yes. I was talking about a plastic one. Not a real one obviously. Duh! By the way is buying human remains still illegal? Just checking. For a friend."
"You know what other store really rips my jeans?" Pam asked. "Clandestine Clara's. I wouldn't buy their cheap crap if you paid me."
"That and the fact that none of those clothes fit you," Ray added.
"Another reason that store is closing," Pam snapped. "It clearly doesn't consider the needs of the growing market of real women. Women of all sizes and colors."
"You mean their growing waistbands," Cyril remarked.
"Like you're one to talk Pillsbury Dough Boy!" Pam snapped. She poked Cyril in the stomach.
Cyril laughed. "Hoo, hoo! Point taken."
"Good riddance to those snotty bitches that work there," Pam snorted. "I went in one of those places and they insisted my bra size was a size too small. Even though I told them it wasn't! They didn't listen to me! I think I know my bra size lady!"
"I think everybody here knows your bra size," Cyril remarked.
"And what is this bullshit about not having women of size as well as transsexuals or transvestites in their fashion shows?" Pam snapped. "They say they are going for fantasy? Hello!"
"I admit some of that is part of my fantasies," Ray shrugged.
"Me too," Krieger added.
"Clearly their marketing department is out of touch with today's consumer," Cyril said dryly.
"Exactly," Pam nodded. "That's why everybody is getting their collective asses kicked by Ama…I mean Nile. And Nile Prime."
"Good catch," Krieger remarked. "And you have a point. Anybody who says otherwise is in de-Nile. Get it?"
"It's not that simplistic," Cyril said. "For one thing a lot of stores are in disrepair or just worn out."
"That's true," Ray added. "I've been in empty warehouses that were cheerier than some Mears stores. And better stocked."
"Plus, the fact that management…" Cyril began.
Pam responded by snoring loudly. "Bor-ing!"
Cyril was frustrated. "I'm just saying the retail market is challenging. You can't just blame Nile for everything. Brick and mortar stores aren't dead yet."
"I just got an alert on my phone," Ray took it out. "People with Nile memberships can now get whatever they want delivered on whatever day they want."
Cyril shrugged. "Okay now brick and mortar stores are dead. Now you can blame Nile for everything."
"And that concludes our segment Finances with Figgis," Ray quipped. "Which will probably be the last segment ever!"
"Then let's go to the next segment," Krieger suggested.
"Good idea," Pam nodded.
"What's the next segment?" Cyril asked.
"A little something we like to call…" Krieger paused. "Wise up Cyril!"
"Cyril, I have to confess something," Ray said. "We had an ulterior motive for asking you to be on this show. This is an intervention."
"If this is about what happened in the elevator last Sunday…" Cyril groaned. "I thought nobody else was going to come into the office! I swear!"
"It's not that," Ray said. "But thank you for supplying the next intervention topic in advance. As well as another reason to not come in on Sunday."
"This is about you and your obsession with Lana," Krieger explained.
"I'm not obsessed with Lana!" Cyril snapped.
"Yeah, and Norman Bates only kind of liked his mother!" Ray told him.
"We know you're not at the point where you're wearing Lana's clothes yet," Pam said. "We're just trying to head you off at the pass before you head down that road."
"We don't want to find Lana's skeleton in a rocking chair," Krieger added. "That's not as sexy as you think it would be."
"I would never hurt Lana!" Cyril gasped.
"Oh, we all know that," Pam nodded. "In fact, it's more likely it's going to be your bony ass in the rocking chair."
"Lana would kill him and keep his skeleton for a trophy," Krieger said. "I saw where you were going with that. So just to be clear for my friend…That's still illegal right?"
"We all know you're probably going to end up stabbing Archer in the shower if he gets out of his coma," Ray added. "Hell, we've all had that fantasy."
"Honestly I'm amazed you haven't done it by now," Krieger added.
"Enough with the Psycho references!" Cyril snapped.
"Why?" Ray asked. "Too subtle?"
"Cyril you are displaying all the signs of obsession," Krieger told him. "And for once I'm not getting turned on by them."
"Like that shrine to Lana you have hidden somewhere in your apartment," Pam added.
"It's not a shrine!" Cyril snapped. "Technically."
"Well what the hell is it?" Pam asked.
"It's just a couple of scrap books!" Cyril told her. "Mostly pictures from when we were dating! That's all!"
"Mostly pictures?" Ray asked. "What is there a lock of Lana's hair in there?"
"No!" Cyril snapped. "That would be weird."
"What is in there Cyril?" Pam snorted. "Some of Lana's panties and bras?"
Cyril turned red. "Oh dear lord," Ray groaned.
"Hey! She had a habit of leaving things around my apartment," Cyril snapped. "It's not my fault she never came back! It not like I didn't wash them!"
"Well as long as you washed them," Krieger said. "There's nothing wrong with that."
"And they're displayed very tastefully," Cyril said. "With some lovely accents and embossing."
"Well if there's embossing…" Krieger paused. "That doesn't sound so bad."
"It isn't!" Cyril protested.
"Are there stickers in there?" Krieger asked.
"Some of those expensive ones," Cyril said. "The pop-up ones that are like ten dollars apiece. Mostly flowers. Not too many. Just to highlight some of the borders."
"That does sound tasteful," Krieger nodded.
"It is!" Cyril said.
"I mean you're using expensive stickers and embossing…" Krieger shrugged.
"Exactly!" Cyril nodded.
"Cyril," Ray said cautiously. "When you find yourself agreeing with Krieger about things like this. That's a red flag there is something wrong. A huge one."
"Huuuugge!" Pam emphasized.
"I've had enough of this!" Cyril stood up. "Who are you people to judge me? Your love lives aren't exactly that great! I'm out of here!"
"Come on Cyril…" Ray sighed. "Sit back down."
"No!" Cyril snapped. "I can take the not so good-natured ribbing and the slight insults and the constant put downs about elevators being boring…"
"It's not elevators that we find boring," Pam corrected. "Just you."
"But this is where I draw the line!" Cyril snapped.
"Really? This?" Krieger asked. "This isn't even in the top ten of things we've done to you."
"Yeah!" Pam agreed. "If you think about it, an intervention is pretty tame. It shows that we care. Mostly about not having to clean up a huge bloody mess. But we still care."
"Look I know what I'm doing," Cyril said.
"That will be a first," Pam quipped. "You're not going to get Lana back!"
"You don't know that!" Cyril shouted. "Who are you? An old gypsy woman?"
"We're people who can see the writing on the wall," Ray said. "And it's not good."
"Hey Lana technically didn't say yes when the fake Archer proposed!" Cyril snapped. "I still have a shot!"
"You're more likely to get shot," Ray said. "Especially when Archer comes out of his coma."
Cyril looked at Ray. "And how much you want to bet within the first few hours he wakes up, he hits on his nurse and Lana catches him in the act?"
"This is Archer so…" Pam paused. "The odds are pretty much one to one."
"This is probably the longest Archer has gone without sex since before he hit puberty," Ray admitted.
"Unless dream sex counts," Krieger remarked.
Pam spoke up. "If it does, then technically I lost my virginity to David Cassidy."
"Me too!" Ray said.
"All I know is the longer Archer drags this out," Cyril said. "The more of a chance I have! I'm making progress here."
"Yeah you made real progress when she caught you boning one of Krieger's sex robots," Pam said.
"Like I was the only one!" Cyril protested. "This will not end up a huge mess."
"What planet have you been on these past ten years?" Ray snapped.
"How about the last three or four?" Krieger asked. "They've been really weird these past few years. Interesting but a lot of things have been left hanging and are unresolved. What? I'm just saying I want some closure here."
"I'm closing the door on this conversation!" Cyril snapped. "Figgis out!" He left the sight of the camera.
Only to come back. "Please consider the Figgis Agency for your detecting needs."
"Considering you can't get a clue…" Ray began.
"SHUT UP!" Cyril snapped as he left. A door was heard slamming after a minute.
"Well that was a waste of freaking time," Pam groaned. "I told you we should have Ron on the show. He'd have been a much better guest."
"We're not bringing Cyril back on the show again, are we?" Ray asked.
"No, we are not," Krieger sighed. "Well that part didn't work. Didn't think it would. But it was worth a try."
"This was also about covering our asses wasn't it?" Pam realized.
"Oh yeah," Ray nodded. "If and when Cyril snaps and this ends in a bloody mess we can always show this tape to the judge. Proving that we tried everything to stop him."
"You hear that your honor," Krieger looked into the camera. "We tried."
"We really did," Pam nodded looking into the camera.
"There's just no reasoning with a crazy man," Ray looked into the camera.
"He's crazy," Pam said. "Just crazy. Which is why he probably did whatever he's accused of. We don't know what at this point. But odds are it's going to be something."
"Hey we can show this to the court appointed psychiatrist to prove that," Krieger said.
"Or to show Lana's innocent if she's the one who ends up being on trial," Ray added.
"Because Cyril drives her to snap and kill him," Pam realized. "That is a possibility. In that case it's self-defense."
"Lana didn't have a choice your honor," Ray said. "Cyril would not listen to reason. He was practically stalking her!"
"It was self-defense," Krieger said.
"Exactly," Pam nodded. "Unless we're talking about Cyril stabbing Archer while he's in the hospital."
"In or out of the coma?" Krieger asked.
"Either one," Pam said. "Although if Cyril was going to stab Archer while he was in a coma by now, he'd have done it already. I admit, I may have had that fantasy."
"Me too," Ray nodded. "It's more likely that Cyril stabbed Archer just after he gets out of his coma."
"And Archer said something incredibly stupid and cruel that just made Cyril snap," Krieger added. "That is very possible."
"Archer might say something about Lana giving him a hand job or a blow job…" Pam nodded. "Might push him over the edge."
"Or push Lana over the edge," Ray said. "Especially if he mentions Veronica Deane."
"Oh God Lana would kill him for sure," Pam realized. "Okay your honor, if Cyril kills Archer, he's just being crazy. If Lana does it, we're talking retaliation against mental cruelty."
"He lied to the cops and got her arrested for a joke," Ray added. "Give her a break your honor! Have mercy on that poor woman!"
"Or," Krieger paused. "Or let me finish…We're talking about Ms. Archer here."
"That she might finally snap and give her son a mercy killing?" Ray asked.
"More like she snaps if Archer wakes up and says something extremely stupid," Krieger said. "I mean this is Archer we're talking about here. It could happen."
"Oh well in that case," Pam waved. "Ms. Archer's a crazy bitch. Lock her up!"
"Or if Cheryl does some kind of weird sex thing that goes wrong," Ray added.
"Why do you think I've been keeping an eye on Cheryl?" Pam asked. "She's mentioned doing that a few times. That's why I try to keep her occupied and away from the hospital."
"We may have to do another one of these things for Cheryl," Krieger realized.
Ray spoke up. "I think there's more than enough evidence out there that Cheryl is crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory."
"More like that girl in a glue factory," Pam agreed.
"No, I think it's way more likely that Lana would kill Cyril for self-defense," Ray said. "Or she caught Cyril trying to kill Archer and she killed him."
"I don't know," Pam said. "Cyril's got a dark streak longer than a zebra's. If anyone is going to do any killing for any reason, it would be him. Even money."
"You're both wrong," Krieger said. "It's Ms. Archer. With the longshots being Cheryl or Barry."
"Oh God I forgot about Barry," Pam realized.
"Me too," Ray nodded. "Then again if Barry was going to kill Archer in a coma, he'd have done it already."
"Yeah Barry wants Archer to feel it when he rubs him out," Pam said. "Phrasing I know. But I think Barry would at least wait until Archer wakes up. It's going to be Cyril that does something."
"How much you want to bet?" Ray asked.
"Twenty bucks each?" Krieger suggested. "Winner gets the pot."
"Deal!" Pam nodded. "We should get some other people in on this."
"Like Ron?" Krieger asked.
"Like Ron," Pam nodded. "Ooh! Ms. Archer could snap and try to kill him!"
"That is a possibility," Ray said. "I'll set up the pool."
"Speaking of pools, we should spend the rest of the day hanging out in one of Cheryl's," Pam spoke up. "She's got a great indoor one at this place we're staying at."
"Do we need to get our bathing suits?" Ray asked.
"Why bother?" Pam shrugged.
"Okay that's it for another episode of Krieger's Korner," Krieger spoke into the camera. "And if a judge or some other authorities are watching this after whatever happens. I just want you to know we tried to prevent whatever happened. But we couldn't. Nor did we assist whatever disaster happens in any way."
"Yeah we didn't have to," Pam pointed out. "These people are more than capable of bringing disaster on themselves without our help."
"Some people might say we'd be helpful if we just stayed out of it," Ray added.
"Oh, what do psychiatrists with a ton of degrees know?" Krieger waved. "This is Krieger signing off. And if you want in on the pool…Call me. My number is in my profile."
"I think everyone has your number," Pam quipped. "Including the police."