Chapter 1: Prologue of Doom!
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A/N: So this is my first self-insert story. Kinda wondering if there is any rules to them other than the typical 'just don't write them'. I hear it is considered bad form… Eh… who cares anyways?
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Disclaimer: This kid is not really me. This is an OC based on a scenario of what I might have been like if the world had dealt me a different hand. Not a bad hand, well other than being a self-insert in an Anime, just different. As such, while I write him he might have a different perspective or two than what I now hold. Just a heads up.
Also… fair warning… this is from my perspective… You are going to get a peek into the head of an avid fanfiction writer. I don't know if you should be excited or possibly very afraid. Just a heads up.
I… felt…? Numb… very… very numb… I can't breathe…
It wasn't a good feeling. Pins and needles ran up and down my arms, neck, shoulder, and upper torso.
I… can't… breathe…
It felt like someone had cut off the flow of blood to my hand too long but all over my body. Any movement sending an uncomfortable non-pain traveling across and through my skin. My vision tunneled as my peripheral vision went to shit.
How had it come to this?
Breathe…
Some bastard must have given me the wrong script at the pharmacy… I really should have read the bottle better, but I guess this is what happens when you overdose on painkillers…
Inhale…
Exhale…
I just got my wisdom teeth pulled. Happy twenty something odd birthday! I take a few of these suckers to numb the pain and boom! Collapsed on the floor of my apartment and not able to move as the mis prescribed muscle relaxers and pain killers made it increasingly hard to breath… to think… to even beat my heart…
Inhale…
Exhale…
Then suddenly blackness…
I woke up screaming. I was disoriented. I was not sure if I could move or not. Everything was so unreal yet so very, very real.
But all that paled in comparison to the omnipresent PAIN that wracked my body. It was worst in my stomach. I felt this indescribable hot and cold and jus- I said it was indescribable right?! How the hell am I supposed to describe it then!? Well if I had to describe it, it felt like someone had decided to pump molten steel into my veins, mixed with liquid nitrogen and then electrocute me.
Needless to say I was in so much pain I couldn't breathe, it hurt, I was scared, I admit to crying like a little child as I screamed silently, maybe aloud, I have no idea, I thought I was on some kind of drugs or something. All I know is that I passed out not even a second later and darkness overtook me a second time.
Now the next part is a little weird to describe but bear with me. Basically, I thought I was in a hospital and on some kind of drug. I couldn't see well, spatial reasoning was skewed, the works. I had been on morphine when I had my appendix removed, but this shit was different in that it only affected my head, my mental capacity and not my ability to feel or comprehend pain.
Trust me, the caretakers heard ALL my complaints about how I couldn't move well, how I was hungry, how I wanted to see the manager of the hospital, but they ignored me. It was terrifying. I was a grown ass adult and I couldn't even SPEAK anymore let alone come up with a compressive thought beyond THIS IS NOT NORMAL!
Worst yet, I was left in the care of people who obviously didn't speak English. I knew that much even with my head in the fog. They fed me with a bottle like I was an infant but at the time I was too scared, too tired, and all together too angry to really even care. If you are wondering why I didn't figure it out sooner I blame the drugs that children are on when they are newborns.
But what had me so scared. I nearly threw up was when I finally comprehended my new name.
Naruto.
You maybe wondering why this is even a thing. How some grown ass twenty year old adult, got himself stuffed into the body of an anime character? If you are, good. Take a number… I am right in front of y'all.
So lemme get something straight before I talk about the 'childhood' I was forced to grow up with. This is kinda personal, but I don't know how else to explain it…
I don't blame any one of these people… not one…
I hate 'em, I wish they would keel over, and stop glaring at me all the damn time, but I don't blame 'em.
I grew up in America. I was a child during the time of the Nine-Eleven attacks. I remember the horror, the fear, wondering if everyone was going to be okay. The world about ready to go to war, everything peaceful and nice suddenly ripped away while the world watched and waited for the other foot to drop. Nothing was the same. I remember all of that shit. I was watching freaking 'Sesame Street' when the news suddenly changed, and I saw two towers on fire. I remember seeing people crying, I remember bowing my head in silence in class the following year, I remember all of that. I can't remember my real name for beans, but I remember that shit… Even then I didn't live it.
Now, times that by Hurricane Katrina that hit the Southern States and that was basically the state of Konoha after the Nine-tailed fox attack.
Mothers crying for their children. Sons who lost Fathers. So much death, so much pain… and the reason for it was stuck inside my stomach…
Yeah, I remember the show… I remember up until I stopped watching in Shippuden when Asuma died… kinda… Whatever drugs babies are on made me forget most of it, but there was some shit I remember plain as day…
I was Naruto freaking Uzumaki.
The Fourth Hokage died so the Fox could be contained.
I was the container. A Jinchuriki.
And I was to be some kind of hero to a show I never bothered finishing…
So… Yeah.
Naruto's childhood? Wasn't too bad.
I think I grew up in worse conditions or at least have gone camping for more than a week, because the apartment I was given when I was five was spacious, and I could reach everything with the help of my handy-dandy plastic milk crate. I grew up on boxed ramen and bowls of cereal.
I tried making a few dishes I knew from my old life, but I could never find the ingredients! You never know how much you miss cheddar cheese, real American cheddar until you try to treat yourself to a bowl of Mac and cheese… It didn't go well… I found the milk…
Like I said, it was a bad time for growing up in Konoha. Shit was real. Food prices were tough for everyone not just me, but I made do.
All in all, a lonely childhood, but nothing too terrible…
Except the staring.
I get it. I really do. In my gut was the freaking Nine-tails… I was the host of some crazy strong demon thing. Of course I didn't have any kid friends growing up to play with and people sure as hell warned them off from me. I wouldn't want my kid playing with a guy that had a fox-shaped nuke shoved up his ass either! Not that I wanted to play with them anyway... I just wanted a turn on the swing when they were done…
I like swings, okay?
But the staring man… I've been that one kid of a different racial ethnicity on the block, no idea what mine even was but I remember it happening, you know how when you are walking by and all the kids just stop and look at you like you are not supposed to be there? That you are the weirdest thing on the block? That you almost offend them by just being there? That feeling.
Now mix that feeling with that once over look you get when you come to school with bad clothes on. I don't even remember what the clothes were, but just that anxiety you get when you remember too late you have a stained shirt on or that your pants ripped in a bad spot. That feeling of them staring at you… then times it by like a million…
It was like I was a Japanese or Russian kid during the cold war. Everyone looking at you with a mix of surprise to actually see you around, disdain, ignoring you, and occasionally like I just told them I there was shit in their brownie… But all the time judging you. Like you were going to get them killed somehow or the fed would show up on their doorstep in the middle of the night... They weren't wrong...
Needless to say I did not enjoy taking 'pleasure walks' down the streets of Konoha. But that's fine. I'm more of a homebody myself. I enjoy a good book, learning to cook again with smaller hands, even planting my own little garden on my window sill. That was my childhood up until the time I was about… seven-ish. I say 'seven-ish' because everyone else in my class was eight or something.
Fun fact: Naruto is actually the youngest of the main characters!
I found out the hard way that it came with it's fair share of perks and drawbacks. You know that almost universal rule kids have that if you are older than them they have to at least listen to you if not outright do what they say? Yeah… Let's just say I didn't gain any favors for being 'the youngest'. Everyone tried to get me to do shit. It was annoying, but after a year of refusing apparently enough adults had told their kids to stay away from me that I was generally left alone from that rule… Bastards still made me last in line for lunch with the whole 'My family name starts with a A so I go first!'. Bastards… But when your seven something you learn to deal with it against a bunch of larger eight year olds… I was a short little bastard...
I sat on my swing, contemplating life, smellin' the smell of sunshine on dusty ground and the gentle heat despite the swing being under a shade tree. There was the sound of bugs, hissing, chirping, cicadas and shit buzzing quietly while I swung. Lots of bugs I never would have figured could live in the same place. Blue sky, no clouds. The soft creaks and squeaks of the rope holding the whole thing together sounding when I swung. The rush of cool air against my skin as I pumped my legs to go higher. The smell of leaves coming into my nostrils as I came close to being able to touch them.
I like swinging high. Always have. Don't like heights though. More like a fear of falling I guess? I once did a ropes course for… something… shit, why can't I remember? Anyways, I did this Army ropes course, scared the living shit outta me. Thirty feet up on a tight rope with nothing to hold onto but the harness you hope to God is situated around your crotch right because if not good bye to you nut sack if you fall? Making fun of the other guys as they nearly shit themselves doing the same thing? That's the life.
That's the life I left behind…
Despite the sunny weather I was feeling all melancholy like. Why did I die and come here? I mean, being Naruto was fine, but it wasn't me, ya know? I was an outdoorsy kid once upon a time. Must have spent hours playing in the woods outside my house, hiking up to the swamp to catch frogs, my buddy one time shot and killed a muskrat in that swamp too bad I can't remember his name or face. Just that it happened… I remember being super into climbing trees despite my mom saying we didn't have Medicare that month… shit like that you know? But most of that shit was gone. Lost. Stupid drugs babies are on messed with my head. Made me not remember the important shit.
Like my name. What my mother's face looked like. If I had a family. If we were close. If my old man was around or not. Shit that is just so instinctual that you take it for granted… All of that gone.
Right now I was Naruto Uzumaki. I have no idea what my anime mom's face looked like. I have no family. They died long before I was born apparently. My old man might still be around, leave it to anime characters to have shitty dads, not holding my breath for that though… but that was all I knew. Did my anime mom even… why would she agree to let me be the container to the fox? Did she even… you know... love me? If not then I feel bad for Naruto... I just...
No depressing thoughts. I opened my eyes further and just focused on swinging. Trying to love this beautiful day.
I pumped my legs a little slower, slowly allowing inertia to leave and directing me away from the tree trunk. Whacked my tail bone on that son of a bitch earlier… don't wanna repeat of that… It was from that vantage point I saw something. The boys recess was almost done. Recess being one of the few classes I didn't feel like banging my head into my desk. I didn't remember my name, but I did remember my damn times tables. Thanks whoever my second grade teacher was! I was learning shit though. I could now speak and read Japanese or some shit like I was born into it… yeah I know…
We had a recess of about an hour before we were allowed back in. Piss-bandit, aka Snicklefritz… what was his name again? The dog kid… he was messin around declaring he was gonna be Hokage on day and take over the world. Fat kid and Ponytail were chillin', Sasuke aka Duck butt was brooding over by the slide, and about ten other retards were goofing off like the kids they were. The girls on the other hand had a special class today and were spending recess picking flowers and making bouquets.
Yeah… I don't get it either…
Anyways they actually weren't that far away, and I noticed one of the chicks was pickin' on the one chick I did remember the name of...
Sakura.
See I remember some people like Sasuke and Sakura, Kakashi, Rock Lee, Orochimaru, Gaara, and… um… Look after the Chunin exams are kinda fuzzy… I think I remember I have to fight Sasuke but honestly I don't care. I have Papa Nuke sitting in my guts. It'll take a lot more to take him out at least than whatever Sasuke could do… I think… I remember he was supposed to be like way the hell stronger than Naruto in Shippuden… Whatever… I'll figure that out when it comes.
So I am up high in my swing when I notice one chick picking on Sakura and my mind just goes blank. Suddenly I leapt off the swing. I was running. Sakura looked up at me in alarm as I cocked my fist back and slammed it into the other girl's face. She of course went down and started crying. The teacher ran up to me and consoled the little girl while she screamed her head off and I was sent to the principal's office.
Sitting there I kept wondering why I did that, like I was supposed to, and I came to a single conclusion. I was retarded. I blame the drugs. Either the ones I OD'd on or the ones I was on all my infancy. Babies are into some messed up shit, lemme tell ya. I was also, ya know… like… seven or eight… That had to count for something right? Nope!
I was a grown ass twenty something! In my past life I was like, totally non-violent! Kinda… Mess with my car, my lunch, or my girl, and I will break you…
Anyways, I ended up not only saying sorry to the little girl, bitch still kinda deserved that punch but whatever, and I had to do some laps around the school as some kind of corporal punishment. I didn't care though. I wasn't some 'too tired from my ten hour shift and just wanna beer' adult anymore. I was a skinny, scrawny kid who probably had some kind of ADD shit going on. Seriously! I have never had so much of time staying still as I did when I was this kid…
So I do my damn laps, watched over by Iruka-Sensei, and walked over to the water fountain, tired and sweaty from running around the school so many times when it was a hundred something odd degrees outside. I get to drinking some water. It is blessedly cold. I can taste the metal used for the pipes… Copper. Bronze? No… lighter, slightly less tangy… maybe… slightly corroded, zinc plate? Kinda the difference between a quarter in your mouth instead of a penny… Hmm… That's a bit weird… where was that coming from? Ah! Mouthpiece. Got it.
There was something else as well… earthier… sweeter almost… smell of a rusty pipe… Oh! Ground water with a high iron content! Cool… the academy has well water like my house did growing up. Sometimes the well got shook up during an earthquake and cause the water to come red or brick colored. You just hand to let it run a bit and it would go away and then you would have the sweetest most mineral filled water ever!
The academy water was sweetish, slightly rusty from the underground well, carried up in bronze piping and filtered into a suitably pitiful amount thanks to a zinc plated mouth guard… I frowned at that. Somethings never change with water fountains. Either they are so pitiful that you can't get anything substantial outta them or they just up and spray ya. There is no in between.
It was when I was thus enjoying the delicious water, angling my head at an awkward angle, to me at least, to get the arc of blessedly refreshing liquid and practically sucking on the mouthpiece in order to get as much water down my parched gullet, that I heard a small noise.
I paused and swallowed. There was shifting feet. Trying to sound quiet but my heart beat had calmed down enough I could actually hear minute noises in my ears again. I was positively dripping with sweat and when I turned I think I almost splashed them.
And there she was. Sakura. Tiny. Maybe seven or eight. Hard to tell with kids really. I stopped guessing and just straight up ask them after I mistook a fifteen year old for a ten year old one time. Sakura was... cute? I don't know, my balls haven't dropped again yet! She had bangs. They looked nice on her. Her forehead wasn't too big, and she had these eyes. Green eyes. Spring green, not emerald green, wide and slightly too big for her head. A healthy blush adorned her cheeks.
"Uh… hi?" I greeted without thinking. This was weird… what do I say to her? She's like… seven. Eight or nine max. Even I could tell that…
"Do-"
"Tha-"
Shit. We started talking at the same time! I just…
"So-"
"I-"
Argh! I paused and waited for her to say her piece. After she blushed, face turning red and fidgeting. A minute became two and… I just couldn't…
"Bye-"
"Wait!"
My eye twitched. We spoke at the same time again. Just this time we talked over each other. Fun Fact: Pet peeve of mine. Don't talk while I'm talking. It ruins my train of thought!
I grit my teeth and tried to smile. I really did… She was waiting for me to speak… Is she doing this on purpose or something?! I just-!
"Do you have something to say?" I grit out. Wow… that came out way harsher than I intended… whoops…
Sakura, who of course at this stage lacked any form of confidence, cowered a bit. Her bottom lip was trembling.
I sighed and did the first thing that came to my mind. Sakura flinched as my hand raised and placed it on the top of her head and gently ruffled her hair.
What? She was seven! Cute girls, little sister types, and the like will never be lewded! Head pats for all! Sakura looked at me with confusion and her face turned a brilliant shade of red. My hand dropped.
"Well… bye…" I said confused as to what just went down. Honestly, that had to be the most awkward moment I had ever had in both lives. I turned around and walked…well… anywhere but right there…
Unbeknownst to me Sakura stood there frozen, unable to move in sheer embarrassment before she booked it on home.
Let's see… some other important moments…
I have fallen asleep next to Ponytail in Iruka's class. He was actually pretty cool. Nap time in Japanese class is best nap time…
I ate ramen while pretending to 'study' with Chubby. He was no longer 'Fat boy' as soon as he offered me a bowl. I will now almost risk my life for this kid...
I got into at least one fight with Snicklefritz. He wasn't a bad kid. Just hyper. Kinda like me at that age. He is now 'Snicklefritz' or 'little bro' in my head now.
And to everyone's surprise, my favorite thing to do was just chilling with Sakura. We didn't talk much except when I helped her with math. I had gotten to Calculus and Statistics in College but then forgot most of it here. On the plus side I did get flashes of memory every now and again just not when I needed it.
"The Pythagorean theorem." I repeated as I drew a line in the dirt. " Every side of a right angle equals 'A' squared plus 'B' squared is equal to 'C' squared. Basically the length of one side will never be more than this side here."
I drew a triangle with a Right Angle and marked one side with the length of '5' and the other with the length of '10'. Then pointed at the unmarked side, the long one, and drew an X. "Now what is the length of this side?"
Sakura stared at me a few moments and then stared at the triangle brain working hard. I don't why though… They used the metric system, my one weakness having been raised in America, here in the elemental nations. But after a bit of getting used to them I was able to just go by fives.
"10 then… 10 times itself is 100. And then 5 meters… equals 25 meters." Sakura said doing mental gymnastics.
"Yep. Then times the two together and then divide it by itself." I said like it was simple. It wasn't.
Sakura looked up at me confused. "Are you sure this is the right way to do it?"
"25 plus 100 is 125. That is super easy because all you have to do is find a number that when times itself is equal to 125…so… here's what you do…" I said, brow crinkling as I then square root the total in the dirt to get the answer. To my surprise Sakura was keeping up.
"11.18033988749895…" Sakura's brow crinkled.
"Or 11 to simplify." I said. "which will equal 121 meters."
"You'd be 4 meters off…" Sakura said frowning.
"You wanna try doing this in your head while dodging kunai? This will still get me within the target range of an explosive note. 'Close enough' is only good when playing horseshoes or tossing hand grenades and we learn how to make those next year."
Weirdest thing in the world really. Let's give a bunch of ten-year-old's the information to make explosives, breath fire, and use knives! What are we? A terrorist cult?
Why yes. Yes we are.
I learned that the Village systems are basically the Mafia if it had a gay mutant baby with a fascist military dictatorship run on terror and an overwhelming sense of national pride. We live by the cause, we die by the cause. Our benevolent military dictator has decreed however that the "cause" is the "Will of Fire".
I have a sketchy understanding at best, but it basically translates to… Live in such a way that your children can be proud and protect them. At least that is what I got out of listening to the old man speak… He was vague at best and downright confusing at worst… meaning the rule of thumb is "follow protocol or die horribly."
Fine by me. Who am I to question our benevolent dictator? A free soul put into a world of dictators who rule by fear. American remember? I don't do that shit if I can help it, and if I catch myself doing it too, I try to stop it. I wouldn't even be in the military if I wasn't basically conscripted at the tender age of six and forced to be a child soldier to bring glory to the cause.
Worse yet, I am an agent of sabotage, and trained to fight in hand to hand combat. Meaning I have been conditioned to shank first and ask questions later. They are lucky I am already mentally an adult, or I could be given the wrong idea if I had to put up with the way the village looks at me. They are all very lucky I am understanding, and that Naruto was a good guy. Else the second coming of Gaara would have been a thing.
Sakura was quiet at my words. "Do… we have to kill them?"
I felt a bit uncomfortable. This was supposed to be the part where I point her trust in our military dictator. He won't lead us astray! He will guide and protect us! He will make Konoha great again! No wait… that was Danzo… He's a thing here too… Shit…
I look away from her, those damning green eyes, and just sigh. "If you don't want to kill anyone don't join the active duty military. As soon as you put on the headband on you give up all right to make decisions like that. You do what you are told and act in the best interests of your village and nation. However, you also will share some of that blame. You can blame circumstances, you can blame leaders, you can blame the enemy, but it never changes the fact that shit happens, and you are the one left to deal with it. War is hell. We will be Genin in two years from now. Red Shirts. Expendable. Front Line Fighters.
"The Hokage fights from his office, with a nice cloister of ANBU because he is the one that calls the shots and can't afford to be killed in a ditch somewhere. But he is also our greatest fighter. Nobody can compete with him is strength or firepower and as such the Leaders tend to weaken in power the longer they have to sit behind a desk…
"Jonin are almost as bad. They become specialized. This is good for the village economy and politics, but bad for their survivability. They take a single skill and hone it to such a degree that they could teach it, but what this means is they need a few Chunin to take some of the brunt of the damage as a match between two Jonin with equal manpower roughly translates into a fifty-fifty coin toss.
"Chunin are glorified Genin. They just have the experience necessary to call shots for other Genin. There is no real difference in strength, but all the difference in experience. And between two Genin one can be nearly Jonin level and the other as useless as a civilian so these assholes don't even know what they are facing when they decide to fight each other. Front line. Rookies. Expendable."
I then look Sakura in the eyes. Eyes I never want to stare back at me cold, glassy and hollow. "So… if you are ever in a fight, ever in a situation where you are called upon to defend yourself or others, I don't care about things, FIGHT. Kill them. Do anything you have to, to survive..."
Sakura stared at me open mouthed. This wasn't what being a Genin was to her. Being a Genin was supposed to be taking on shitty missions like babysitting, farm work, picking sweet potatoes, and painting fences for old people.
Yeah… in peace time…
It was no secret that they were only doing this to keep their soldiers busy during the last ten years or so of peace. War could literally happen at any moment and when it did, Genin were back on the front lines… Children as young as eleven fighting and killing each other in the trenches...
It wasn't right, it wasn't pretty, and it scared the living shit out of me.
I was used to war on my planet. Some of it translated into what happened here, but the major difference was that we had guns, tanks, nukes. Here? Knives, Earth Style Jutsu, and Tailed Beasts like the Nine-tails. It was more personal and much, much more sinister. A soldier back home could be conditioned to shoot first and ask questions later. Here… they condition you to take human lives in close quarters, physically stab and beat an enemy into the dirt and then turn around and say that it was for the good of the village… It was messed up, but perhaps more genuine? At least you didn't feel like some kind of monster that just kills whatever pops up…
"Sakura… Sorry… I…" I looked down. "I just don't want to see you get hurt… If anything happened to you… I don't know what I would do…"
The little pink fluff ball had grown on me the last three years. Ever since I punched that one chick she has been attached at my hip. It was annoying at first but then I learned to tolerate her. Now… she was officially moving into 'little sister must protect' territory.
Sakura flushed at my words, either from embarrassment or anger.
Sakura had pride in her skills. She was strong in her own way, but from what I remember from the show? They'd eat her alive.
I still have nightmares sometimes just remembering that people like Sasori, Itachi, and Orochimaru are out there. That they can infiltrate the village at any time, and they were after the Nine-tails… rip it out of me like I watched them do to Gaara ten or so years back from the safety of my laptop watching Shippuden.
Hence why against my better and more moral judgment I am putting up with the military dictatorship shit… but that doesn't mean that 'little sister must protect' Sakura needs to put up with that. I don't care if I thought she was annoying in the show, she is actually not too bad… she is even sorta… nice…
I don't want to see a, dare I say, friend die on me like that…
"Then I better make sure I'm accurate." Sakura said evenly looking back down at the bad math we did. "Explosive notes would be more effective thrown accurately no?"
I smiled deviously. "Damn straight!"
I was going to make sure Sakura survived this coming war zone. Even if I had to be the one to stand between her and someone like Orochimaru.
It was time. I was going to pass! I had to pass this test! I was going to survive this shit-hole of a world, I wasn't going to die again!
I slammed my hands together and formed hand seals I had memorized many times. "Clone Jutsu."
There was that rush of icy hot electricity that ran through me and… I did it?! Five clones. None of them imperfect. Iruka Sensei looked pleased and Mizuki looked dumbfounded. What? Did they think I was dumb or something? Nah. I helped Sakura with math and science, those two being my favorite subjects anyways, seriously it was like re-watching Magic School Bus and Bill Nye the Science Guy as a kid, I loved it.
And in exchange Sakura helped me with Chakra control. Sounds stupid I know, with all these amazing things like math and science how can I possibly be interested in literal magic?
…
That was sarcasm. Teach me all the magics!
So, when I heard 'chakra control' was essential for like fifty percent of the 'magic', I bugged Sakura until she taught me everything she knew about it.
Also Iruka sensei…
And Mizuki sensei…
And all the other sensei...
I needed it.
They were happy to help me learn but were wary. For some reason, even though I never did half the shit Naruto did, punk-ass little bastard, they still treated me like I had. Weird…
Anyways I got some help but like Naruto in the original I sucked at it. I never had chakra before so there were several mental blocks in making it work let alone controlling it. Then it was like trying to wiggle just your nose. Without wiggling your ears or eyebrows.
Go ahead. Try it.
Sakura is amazing at that shit. It is also literally the cutest thing I had ever seen. I did the usual challenges to amuse younger audiences. 'I bet that you can't put your fingers like this', 'I bet you can't twiddle your thumbs in opposite directions' and 'I bet you can't hold a handstand'.
The last one I felt kinda stupid about. Ninja were all about handstands and backflips and shit like that…
Sakura was awesome at that. I was still getting used to the idea that my body could even do this shit, and Sakura could do rub her head and pat her tummy at the same time while doing Trigonometry…
So me making five clones with no imperfections? That was awesome! I could almost control the amount of chakra! See, I had this problem with putting too little in a jutsu, and of course mental focus. As you may have guessed I kinda have some attention issues. Chakra control takes focus plus fine control and some imagination. I have the last one down pat but the other two? Forget it.
"Good work Naruto!" Iruka said congratulating me. "Now the other two! I hear you have some inventiveness with the substitution and the transformation jutsus. Show us what you can do!"
I nodded. So far so good… carefully portion out the right amount, control, imagination, hand signs…
"Transformation Jutsu!" I declared before slamming my hands into the last seal of the Transformation Jutsu, arguably my best one. My body emitted smoke and-
I hissed.
Iruka yelped in surprise while Mizuki looked like he had come face to face suddenly, with… well me.
Before the two of them was a Xenomorph from the Alien franchise. I shifted and made a loud, ear splitting Xenomorph scream and extended the 'second mouth' on the beasty. Every sinew and wrinkle was perfect on the nine foot tall Alien. This jutsu was my baby. My patented "Scary Jutsu".
I stalked over, using the cover of the illusion to make hand signs and I shifted the illusion to compensate my next transformation. Iruka leapt again as the 'Alien' transitioned into 'Pennywise' from 1981's 'It', sharp teeth and all. 'Pennywise' made hand signs, as I prepared my finisher.
"Monster Parade! Dance of a Thousand Demons!" I giggled in the eldritch clown's voice, watching Mizuki and Iruka's faces.
I said I had a problem with my Clone jutsu. This was me exploiting said problem. I tended to use either too little or too much chakra. This was me 'showing off' what little chakra control I did have. I was pretty good at syphoning off a portion and keep up that portion for chains of jutsu… not so good at the whole 'now hold this jutsu' thing. Bigger usually meant easier for me to hold and for some reason, control… That and I have literally been practicing this move for the last two years since they showed us the possibilities with this jutsu…
A single clone of 'Pennywise' stalked in front of me smiling at them, when then, while still maintaining the clone looking like Pennywise I transformed into Jason from Friday the 13th, then another clone, pass and I kept transforming, cloning and making a distraction until the room was filled with thirty clones from different franchises.
I had everything from 'Freddy Krueger' from 'Nightmare on Elm Street' to freaking 'Darth Maul' from 'Star Wars'. I wanted to do the Rancor, but it was too much work…
Apparently I needed to be roughly the same size. No more than say… twice my height and girth? That or you just lose control of the Transformation and risk a whole host of problems when using it. 'Clipping' or the illusion passing through physical objects that they aren't supposed to, kinda like in a bad video game. Then there was 'Shading'. The illusion didn't really have a proper shadow, same with the clone to be honest but the clone at least could make it appear that there was a shadow if you bothered to do it right. Face a light source and try not to make it an oversaturated mess as light filters through the smoke and chakra used to make the jutsu work.
Simple right? No. See this is where the 'imagination' part comes in. Ninja have to have the mind of a freaking artist to pull off even a halfway decent clone and even then factors like 'Lighting', 'Misdirection', 'Placement', and 'Motion' all play a key role in making either of these jutsu work. And if you do it right… you have yourself a distraction… if you yourself can keep from being distracted. It's all focus see…
Soon all of my lovelies were standing before my sensei. All perfect, all smiling, or something close to it, at my professors and ready for me to give the signal. Then with a deep breath and a single hand sign, I made them all swarm my 'opponents' Iruka and Mizuki sensei, while I performed the Substitution jutsu to replace myself with a potted plant in the corner. I then transformed the potted plant to look like me while I transform into the potted plant. At the same time.
It sounds complicated, but it is pretty basic compared to the shit Sakura pulls. That girl can make Michael Myers from 'Halloween' move perfectly! Just the right amount of terrifying slowness but with that eerie unstoppable gait of a dead man walking. Even better she could do this sort of shit with Haze Clones. Ones that are still immaterial like the regular Clone Jutsu, but they don't burst when you hit them, making them perfect for ghosts characters.
I can only make one Haze Clone work properly. The 'Clipping' can't cause the jutsu to fail and the clone needs to be used in a shadowed location because holding onto a mental image that long is hard okay? It takes a certain amount of skill to have a solid, 'show ready' monster in your head, the more realistic the better, and then keep it up in perfect detail. Shadows help hide the imperfections…
Anyway. Back to watching Mizuki piss himself. Damn I love messing with that man… The guy was just so… fake. I loved toying with him and watching the little slips he would have. I personally helped develop his eye twitch… and I am okay with that!
But that Haze Clone right? I can only make without unintentional clipping, shit like phasing into the floor and walking up a set of stairs, so… I had one follow him home on night transformed to look like a Sadako from 'the Ring', but I think he noticed me early. He found me pretty quick, but to my surprise he seemed rather pleased with my contribution to the ninja world. I don't remember him from the series too well. Maybe he was a guy that died when Gaara and Orochimaru decided to team up? Meh… it probably doesn't matter… Cool thing was he taught me two jutsu in exchange for the method behind the one I came up with. Not jutsu per say but some pointers on how to stay hidden and then scare people.
He taught me how to use the 'Killing Intent' and how to use the 'Invisibility' jutsu which allowed me to 'compress' my chakra until I'm ready to jump out at them. While I can't really do jutsu too well, I am supposed to be immune to sensor types when using it and it really helped with my chakra control.
I also used it to freak Sakura out once by jumping out at her. She slapped me. I kinda deserved it… Since then I have the developed the accidental habit of just 'appearing' behind people. I guess it can be seen as off putting and it is not like I do it on purpose, but it gives me a bit of a rise when people like Sasuke, Shino, and Hinata don't see or hear me coming. I even got Snicklefritz once…
Killing Intent was the opposite, it was all about 'projecting' your chakra out and making your presence know. I have problems with this one. I'm… not a 'loud' person. Talking above normal conversations tones makes me uncomfortable and I usually prefer to speak in even softer tones. I still have Naruto's voice though, so it unintentionally comes out more as a rasp like Gaara's. I swear I didn't do that on purpose…
Also I won't even have Gaara's deep timber that he is able to project. Call him what you will but the kid has a cool voice in the English dub. Japanese dub… eh… I feel like I can 'feel the sand' in the English dub. Japanese I confuse him for Naruto's or Sasuke's. Good voice just forgettable. But it is kinda like that with my own voice in that tone. If I project louder, I sound like… I don't know… Bakugo or something from 'My Hero Academia'.
Anyways… Not a loud person, so no Killing Intent usage really… I guess I just use it to make my presence more obvious more… known? Shino and Hinata have the same problem, mainly Shino though. Hinata, or Sunshine as I like to call her, is more of a ball of nervous energy. Hinata feels more like someone going 'please don't notice me!' with their entire body language. Shino is more 'Sup brah?'.
So after a minute of them looking and talking to 'me' the potted plant, I kinda just wanted to 'show off' more and walked out door without saying anything.
"-So while your skill was undeniable we have to give you a lower grade because you didn't manage to pull off a Substitution juts-"
The Clone/Transformation over the potted plant popped and the so did the one in the corner. Iruka's face screwed up with rage while Mizuki began laughing.
"That little shit! When I get my hands on him I'll-!" Iruka started.
"Give him a headband because he passed!" Mizuki said still chuckling and wiping a tear from his eye. "That was the funniest thing I think I have ever seen! There he is, scaring us and then when you are congratulating him he leaves a clone over his substitution and walks away while compressing his chakra… hehehe… That was awesome. I give the kid props for the skill level and the sheer audacity…"
Iruka grit his teeth. "He should still have listened to what we had to say. He is skilled but he had some problems with his 'presentation'. I saw some instances of clipping towards the end, the one with the burnt face and the clawed gloves was sinking into the floor a bit. Also he is lucky neither of us were trying to distract him. I doubt he could pull that off under pressure."
"I think he knew." Mizuki said smiling gently. "He knows you are a little too kind hearted under that gruff exterior, and that I love a good show of skill."
Iruka huffed.
"He certainly does nothing halfway… Fine. He passes. I got grades to work on and some reports to write, mind handing this to him?" Iruka said tossing Mizuki a head band before returning to his papers.
"Of course!" Mizuki said happily.
Iruka missed the way Mizuki's face screwed up with malice.
Everything was going according to plan. He hadn't expected him to actual pass but that was no matter. Iruka had just handed him a way to make Naruto think he actually failed...
So, I am having possibly one of the worst days ever… Sakura… she… doesn't want to be friends anymore…
Apparently I am not 'cool enough'. If that wasn't already a thing… she also said that she blames me for being the reason she has no friends outside of… well… me, Shino, and Hinata. The school weirdos. Hinata only really joined our circle of friends because she made friends with Sakura and I personally stalked Shino into being friends with me. I learned more about bugs and I got him into playing Magic. I recreated the freaking cards man! I even got Ponytail and Chubs to join occasionally…
Anyways… not cool enough. She wants to be with Sasuke, which I don't blame her for. She has had the most apparent crush on him for literal years and I as her best fri- her associate… could pick up that much at least. I just wish things were a little different. I get she needs to spread her wings some and I can be a little… okay a lot time consuming… and I'm a nerd… and kinda ADD… and just- Ya know what?! Screw it! If she wants to break off a friendship, fine! I am like thirty! I don't care… go! Go get the boy you like! Go get you some actual female friends rather than a bunch of stuffy nerds! Be popular! I don't care!
I don't…
Dammit! Why can't I stop worrying about her?!
Will she make friends? Sasuke is a hard-ass and really strong but… I'm not Naruto. I'm not some dead last or some clan born given a power up. I'm average. Slightly above actually but not by much. Sakura gets straight A's. She fights to do extra credit while I don't bother with it. She is amazing… Me? Not so much…
I'm only really good in Science and Math. Language Arts? Shoot me… P.E.? I'm decent but I am definitely not the strongest, fastest, or most skilled kid in the school. That'd be Sasuke… the guy Sakura has been crushing on. Again… not really blaming her. If I was in her shoes, female, and like eighteen years younger mentally, I might have a crush on him too. But I don't see 'pools of inky black nightshade' in his eyes as Sakura did.
I just see red flags and a really broken kid… and a kid who is basically my kid sister liking him…
I just hope Sakura knows what she is getting into with him… Sasuke doesn't talk about it and the Hokage kept the true details a secret but the Massacre was one of the darkest days in Konoha history. The kid's entire clan was wiped out mysteriously and every attempt at getting more answers was met with silence, both from Sasuke and the Hokage.
I can't even imagine what he went through. I knew a guy that had his favorite aunt and uncle murdered in my past life. He was really… off. He was nice-ish, but like Sasuke he didn't understand that his words or actions could hurt others. As such he tended to be a bit… mean… When asked about it he just didn't understand what I was talking about. Then there is any time his family is brought up and oh boy…
Sasuke is kinda like that…
I've been around people that had PTSD before. I had been interested in helping someone who had it, I think so anyway, but dude…
Sasuke literally checks off all the criteria.
It was like someone had read the list of criteria to be diagnosed and just gave him all of it when writing his character. He so obviously has PTSD that it is a wonder why he hasn't had any counseling or just out right therapy and medication. But on the plus side he has some pretty good shit here.
He has a support network, not a close one, but one there for him if he needs it. He gets exercise, menial work, and is forced into some semblance of normal social interaction with the academy. He is on the mend and it is pretty clear to see he is trying to put whatever it is that hurt him so badly behind him… I just wish I could remember what it was… I know Itachi is his brother and that he's evil but… weren't there like fifty evil Uchiha later in Shippuden? I know one of my buddies told me there was more and I was meaning to get back into the series but shit man…
It's probably some kind of 'Luke I'm your Father' thing where he finds out his brother is alive and evil. Yeah… I think I remember my buddy telling me something like that…
Anyways I am worried about Sakura and a little hurt she would rather not be associated with me to chase after some boy that will most likely break her heart and not even know he's doing it... She is like one of four friends I have that I actually want to protect… and even then… she's the only one that can understand half the shit I am able to rant about… She once listened to me tell her the plot of Star Wars and just let me nerd out… See, I'm really quiet but once you get me talking I tend to ramble.
In exchange she told me about her day. How her daddy worked too much and how she wished he would come home sooner. How her mom loved flowers but Sakura herself hated that she had to work for hours in a garden bed to make sure she had flowers to look at but loved the reaction her mom would have when the flower bed was just right. How her sewing projects were doing. How much she wanted a puppy, but their landlord wouldn't allow it.
I would listen to all of that, quietly. Occasionally channeling some wisdom I got from my past life to help her out. We were… friends. I didn't know why she would want to break off something like that… She was basically my best friend in this life… Kinda pathetic in a way, huh? Grown ass thirty something having a twinge of hurt feelings because a little girl didn't want to be his friend anymore.
It was a weird relationship at the very start… one really strange given my status as a reincarnate but it worked. But if she wanted to leave and spread her wings, who was I to stop her? I'd just sit back and worry some… especially in the climate we grew up in.
I was currently sitting down on top of the Hokage Monument on one of Lord Fourth's hair spikes. Not too close to the edge but far enough out that I can see everything and damn what a view. You could see for miles, all the tiny shops, the people running around looking like ants, the way the streetlights lit up at five pm sharp to light the street as the sun set… It was a pretty sight…
Too bad it was all a pile of shit…
I glowered at the town before me. As beautiful and as wonderful a few of the people were, this whole place was just a stinking pot of nepotism and greed… I personally watched the Red Light's District light up. Drug pushers, hookers, muggers and the rest began to come out like worms in a rainstorm… and the ninja of Konoha did nothing to stop it…
There were no cops. Just the ANBU and nobody could be everywhere. What was worse was that the statistic for murder in the village was less than 100,000 people and had a murder count of about 20 per year. That's just murder. Aggravated assault, rape, robbery… all those numbers are way higher… This town was a steaming cauldron of shit… And this was peace time.
My mind turned to Sakura again. She lived in a good neighborhood. That part of town had a much lower count but there was shit not spoken outside closed doors. Hinata was supposed to be from a good part of town too and look what happened to her. I have never seen someone a more likely victim of emotional and psychological abuse… They tore down every decision she ever made, made her cross her words, twist them and made her seem like a bad guy. I watched it happen and tried to stop it once. I got sent to detention and then the Hokage's office for throwing a rock at her 'caretaker'. Bastard was trying to make her think she was at fault for something. All I knew was it wasn't right…
Afterwards I asked Sakura to make friends with Hinata and made the shy girl part of my little group of rejects. I would try to encourage her, build her up, try asking her opinion and shit but the damage was already done. Hinata had so little self-confidence in her actions because her father and her clan 'needed her to be strong'.
What I ended up doing was leaving her to Sakura. She was a bit shy as well but really nice. Hinata was comfortable with her and it made heart warm and hurt at the same time to see the two playing and Hinata's shy little crooked smile. Like she was almost afraid to have fun.
It still didn't help my anger towards her family though…
There's a good reason I chose the whole 'Monster' schtick to be my gimmick. I wanted them to remember who the real monster was, and though I could look like freaking Frankenstein I would be scaring the shit out of real monsters… the villagers themselves and the monsters in the government. Granted, they were under a military dictatorship and I know I can't change that but… I… I couldn't be Naruto.
Naruto would have been all inspiring and shit. He could smile and say 'Don't worry! I got this!'. He could make friends with anybody despite being a little shithead. He could've been Hokage and turned this shithole around in no time.
I smirked staring down at the city. He could look down on this city and see nothing but people he wanted to protect, people he wanted to look up to him. Me? I just see people. Dumb, scared, unaware sheep. They had no privacy because you think a literal shadow government would give anyone that luxury? They were fed the same stupid ideology and then forced to die for it. They children brainwashed at a young age to obey and their people cowed by the shinobi… and here I was… big ole Naruto with a nuke shoved up his ass and a conscripted soldier. I hated it.
I couldn't run away. People would hunt me. Either the village or the Akatsuki. I remember them or at least Kisame. Huge shark man with a sword. He was after me for a reason I don't really remember. I remember Gaara. Gaara being defeated. Then him having the chakra sucked out of him…
I shivered. That could happen to me… Orochimaru was a thing here too. Maybe the village wasn't so bad…
NO! Screw that noise! I will not trade my freedom for safety! I refuse! I'll pull a Sasuke if they even try to control me.
But what happens when the Akatsuki come for me afterwards? What then? All alone, no friends… What was I supposed to do? Scare them? No… Orochimaru would probably think I was being funny… No… I had to sit this through… Nod my head, yes sir, no sir, that sorta shit. They also still controlled all the people I actually cared about…
Sakura flashed again in my minds eye. She was a sweet little girl. She hadn't even had her thirteenth birthday and she was going to be up against monsters like Orochimaru in the chunin exams. She'd be fighting Sasori in what? Two years? That was insane… I was so scared I could barely sleep most nights. She was a child soldier, and with me on her team she would have a front row seat to the front lines.
So I did what I always did… escaped into fantasy. I could become someone I thought was meaner, scarier than any one of them. I could pretend to give a shit about people who were all just some cartoon in my world… I could forget I was supposed to be Naruto Uzumaki. The MC of this story…
My hands clenched into fists. I wasn't going to die here. I wasn't going to see Sakura, Hinata, Shino, and even Chubby, Ponytail, or 'little bro' Kiba die here… hell even Blondie… They were my kids. And I was gonna protect them with everything I had. Even if I have to be the monster. I'll be the monster I have to, to protect them…
I made a single goal that night in the light of the setting sun. I was going to be the damn Hokage. I was going to take over this world and revolutionize it. I was going to make this world pay for screwing with me…
And have fun while doing it.
I smirked and walked away from the edge. Yeah. I can always escape to fantasy, and then make fantasy a reality because I got chakra bitches!
"Hey, Naruto!" a voice said as I walked down the stairs leading back to the village. Did you know the Hokage monument had stairs? I always thought you had to, you know… ninja your way up… People stick to walls and shit like their freaking Spider-Man here…
Behind me was, to my surprise, Mizuki. Still can't remember what this guy was about. I know he was important or something but…
"Sup?" I asked. Mizuki frowned seeing me, but quickly put up that phony ass smile of his.
"I thought I would find you here! You still upset about the test?" Mizuki asked to my confusion.
"I thought I did the jutsu." I was confused as all hell. Didn't I pass?
"You did… but you left the test. You failed because you never got your headband or received the verification of the official." Mizuki explained. He sounded like he was lying his ass off but then again he was a teacher…
"Ah shit…" I cursed. "Eh… next year it is then. I can probably pass if I just stay for the full test…"
"That's not possible." Mizuki said smiling. "You get one chance. If you are going to be a ninja you just failed your one and only shot."
I gave him my most unimpressed look. I housed Papa Nuke. I was probably going to get a retest. I didn't care though. I had a straight shot to seeing the Hokage himself if I just asked nicely to see him. Was Mizuki stupid or something?
"Look buddy," I said sticking my hands in my pockets and walking up to him. "You think I give a shit about that? Like rank is something I care about? I am a ninja of Konoha. If fighting starts then I am fighting them too. We both know that it is a bad idea to not let me do my thing if and when the time comes."
Mizuki paled considerably at that. "Y-you know about the-"
"Giant ass fox shoved into my guts? Yeah. I'm chill with it. He ain't bothering me none and I won't bother him unless some serious shit crops up." I said with narrowed eyes. "I get it if you hate me because of him. That's fine with me. You do your thing. Mess with me or my shit or my friends or even look at me funny though…"
I trailed off intentionally, letting him guess what I'd do. "…I also know there is a giant ass shadow government out there listening to our every word. They are ninja. It's kinda their job. The Hokage, Danzo… anyone could have guys here. So… you really wanna cause a scene spouting off that info?"
Mizuki's eyes darted around nervously. "N-no…"
"Good. No budge over, I need to take a piss… I'll talk with the Hokage about getting a retest but either way I won't stop protecting this shit hole." I said. Mizuki stared at me as I went back up the stairs towards the trees.
I frowned as I let out my little buddy and took a whiz. I… didn't mean to intimidate him… I was still running off piss and vinegar from my little mental rant and then Mizuki comes in with that bomb…
Shit… but seriously though? If what he was saying was true then I just royally screwed up by trying to act cool and shit! Just… dammit! How the hell was I supposed to protect my precious people now?!
Now I had to deal with not being in the loop! Eh… what the hell? Everything would be fine anyways. It had to be. I'm pretty sure nothing besides maybe Zabuza would be different if I stayed out of the whole ninja thing and if I remember that correctly, which I don't, Kakashi totally had that covered…
I was just zipping up when I heard Mizuki book it up the stairs. He untied his own headband and tossed it to me. I caught it easily, because… you know… I'm kinda a ninja…
"That was… just a test… you passed." Mizuki panted heavily, having just sprinted up the stairs as fast as he could. "You have… what it takes… to be… a ninja…"
I stared at the headband in my hand.
Seriously? That was it? Huh… As I tied it on I finally remembered Mizuki. He was that bastard that ratted the secret out on my being a Jinchuriki and tried to steal the Forbidden Scroll! He also like, shanked Iruka in the face! Damn! How did I forget that!? I stared at the man before me wondering what to do.
He hasn't done anything yet. Maybe tried to trick me but still… On the other hand the dude was still totally evil, power hungry, and kinda a lame villain. Who knows? Maybe he will become a good guy?
That dominated my thoughts until I got home and was laying in my own bet. Then another unwittingly settles in my mind.
I just officially joined a military and am their nuke…
Shit.
Later that night Mizuki stared at the headband he was supposed to give Naruto. He had ended up giving Naruto his own.
This one was new, never having been worn, never having been splashed with the blood of his comrades like his was… Uncomfortable thoughts filled his mind.
Mizuki had killed someone in cold blood… All because they couldn't keep up with the mission…
Mizuki thought about it. Why did he kill him? Yes, a broken leg would have slowed the team down and they were supposed to retrieve an important document that would jeopardize the safety of the mission, but why did he even hide that? Why hide that he killed someone? His own comrade died at his hands for the village. That was the point! Then he was contacted by Orochimaru promising him power all in exchange for the scroll of sealing… In hindsight it was an idiotic decision…
Was being an academy instructor so important to him that he would just not tell the truth? What was he afraid of? Orochimaru?
Yes. He was totally terrified of the man.
But he feared Danzo and the Hokage more.
Mizuki glanced over to the beautiful woman sleeping in his bed. She was to be his fiancé. He would have given up someone like her for what? Power? Maybe…
Mizuki came to an uncomfortable decision. He was going to tell the truth and accept the consequences… and perhaps he could say Naruto convinced him to reduce the sentence…
I sat outside on the rood of the Hokage's office. The sun was bright as hell and there was a sweltering heat. But worse than that it was humid. Humidity just made everything so much worse.
"Just take the damn picture!" I barked at the photographer. I seriously don't know why it takes him thirty minutes to do a single shot!
"Fine! But don't blame me!" The picture guy said and set off the flash.
"Ah shit! I think I blinked!" I yelped rubbing my eyes. "And why the hell did you need a flash anyway? It's like a million degrees outside and it's bright out!"
"Quit yer bitchin! I took the picture! Now go! Skedaddle!" the photographer said as the picture developed.
The man just looked at me with a tired and kinda far away expression as I walked away. He had taken the damn picture, now it was time for some lunch!
Unbeknownst to me the cameraman just shook his head staring at the kid's picture. The kid's hair was long, blond, and spikey. What drew him to the picture however was the piercing blue eyes. They were slightly narrowed because of the sun and there was a way his mouth tried to set as he attempted to smile for the camera. It was all so familiar…
The cameraman snorted.
"That kid… son of the Flash… Nah! Probably just some Yamanaka bastard with way too much time on their hands! To make every hair stand up like that! Must've taken the poor bastard hours… Kids these days! Last year it was a Hyuuga trying to look like the First Lord and now a Yamanaka trying to look like the Fourth! Then there was that one brat with hair buns like Lady Mito and another one looking like Guy's clone… Eh… at least they almost pulled it off…" The camera man said packing up his things. This was the last picture for today. Time for a smoke break and maybe some lunch.
People were weird.
A/N: Before you ask, yes. The amnesia, the lack of Japanese societal norms, and even the run on sentences are all deliberate. Let me know if you want me to continue! Please follow, favorite, and review!