King Julien's Tips for Ruling a Zoo
Hi. Maurice here. His Royal Highness asked me to write the introduction to introduce his introduction. These are great tips for learning how to manage having an entire zoo as your kingdom, written by the great King Julien XIII, monarch of monarchs, et cetera, et cetera... just be sure that if you ever find yourself in charge, you'll give your right hand man a break every once a while! Anyway, here's King Julien with the introduction.
Thank you, Maurice, for the fabulous introduction to my introduction. Hello peoples! This is your lovable and handsome king, Julien. Maurice forgot to mention I am also the king of the outlying midtown areas. It is so stressful sometimes! But I, through my many years of experience as king of Madagascar, have managed to be ruling my zoo with wondrous results. Anywhys, this is my book, written by me, your king, with his kingly writing skills. Did you like the cover? I drew that. This book will be helping you with all your zooly problemness. Maybe when you are finished reading it, you will be a little more like me! Though you will never be quite as great. Or as handsome.
1. Never let the peasants toucheth the royal feets!
Seriously. They might become all obsessedy. Then they will be annoying.
2. Coconut juice is a lot of work to get all by yourself.
3. Always have a right-hand-man.
(NOTE from Maurice: Refer back to what I said about giving this right-hand-man breaks.)
4. Never do anything by yourself!
5. Never trust an otter.
Otters are shady creatures. I know from personal experience.
6. If fishy-smelling fish-eaters are close to your kingly habitat, be doing something about it before the fishy fishness makes your nose stink with the fishness.
7. Pineapples are the best fruits for after massages.
(NOTE from Maurice: Don't ask for it cut into little pieces shaped like the Eiffel Tower. Your right-hand-man is probably already worn out from the massage and is likely to go insane.)
8. If you want a best friend, buy a robot. Penguins will not be liking you enough.
9. Poppity corn must always be eaten during exciting events.
10. Practice your dancing skills! You must be the most fabulousest dancer if you want to be like me.
11. There is no fun in a kingly kingdom without a bouncy house!
12. Keep up with the latest in the technologies. Like typewriters! Got to have one of those, man.
13. Brainy penguins get very grumpy when you mess with their chemically things.
14. Smoothies make for a fit and healthy you! They are also tastiest with at least seven different kinds of fruit, and pureed first on low power, then blended for two minutes before adding in an extra fruit, then whipping for thirty seconds, then blended for forty seconds.
(NOTE from Maurice: The smoothies taste just as good without all the extra pointless instructions.)
15. When the grumpy zookeeper lady comes, do not be doing anything suspicious.
16. Angry rhinos do not like it when you use their big horn as a holder for your New Year's party hats.
17. You must announce a theme day at least once a week! If you are in needing of suggestions, I have some unused ones. Like Spaceonaut Day, Annoy a Squirrel Day, Dress-Up-As-Your-Favorite-Yellow-Fruit Day, Disco Farmer Day—wait, you cannot be having that one. I have purple overalls I want to put to good and fashionable use!
18. Be pestering your neighbors when you are in need of something your habitat does not provide, or when your right-hand-man is snoring like a buffalo and won't be waking up!
(NOTE from Maurice: I do NOT snore like a buffalo!)
19. Watch the Lunacorns. They are good for you and so very entertaining!
20. Keep extra mangoes for tossing at unwanted lower-class citizens.
21. Penguins are dangerous.
22. Never eat honey you find on the clockity tower.
23. When the electricly power goes out, hide from the anarchy until the penguins fix it.
24. Get a very big crown. It is a necessary symbol of your kinglyness.
25. Always have a spare crown.
26. All-night dance parties are the best way to prove you are betterer than everyone else.
(NOTE from Maurice: Again refer back to the comment about breaks every once in a while.)
27. Super Comfy Pamper Time Floaty Thrones sound like the awesomeness, but they are actually being quite dangerous.
I know this from personal experiences.
28. Have a loyal subject that will be your worshipper.
29. If you give a Mort a gumball, he will be wanting another one. If you give him another one, he will get your royal fur all sticky. He will want to be cleaning it for you and ask for the scissors. If you give him the scissors, he will give you a very bad haircut and make your royal kingly appearance not so kingly. The moral of this story is never to be giving Mort a gumball.
30. The secret to looking stunning is to be washing your fur with a mixture of guava juice and coconut milk.
31. If you are looking for someone to bribe, chimpanzees are a good choice. They readily accept fruit offerings.
32. Bunnies make the bestest adoring fans!
33. Be having the good control of the zoo peoples all the times. Make it clear who is in charge!
(NOTE from Maurice: You may not want to "make it clear who is in charge" to the gorillas.)
34. Blast the musics very loud so all will be filled with the party-ness!
35. Always share the fun with others! Fun is not being something to keep all to yourselfs! Gold and shiny things are, but that is another story.
36. The king deserves to have more shiny things than the regular peoples.
37. Peanut Buttery Winky-ies are very disgusting!
38. A good way to be showing your subjects that you are the boss is to be speaking in a loud and commandy voice.
(NOTE from Maurice: This could also get you in big trouble if your bark is bigger than your bite.)
39. What is that even supposed to be meaning, Maurice? I do not bark, silly! Only trees bark. Tip number thirty-mine is that right-hand-mans say very nonsensical things.
(NOTE from Maurice: *sigh*)
40. Boomy-box batteries apparently can be dying. But as king you must be willing to accept the harder facts of the life. So always be keeping spare batteries around!
41. If a guy named Clemy-son is trying to become your new right-hand-man, be refusing him because he is really an evil guy!
(NOTE from Maurice: Amen to that.)
42. If kingly stress is to be getting you down, just dance! Dancing will be filling your heart with joy!
43. Keep a box of icy-pops behind the smoothie bar to give to Mort in case of an emergency. They keep him very quiet!
44. A mango a day keeps the doctor away! You know, if you use it to throw at him. But why would you be doing that? Just eat it already.
45. Pushing the buttons of penguins is very easy and very amusing, but penguins also have very short fuses, so be being careful!
46. Boas are very festive. Be wearing one for special occasions to make you look fabulous.
47. Blenders are the most fiendish of technologies! Be prepared to deal with many breakings of your smoothie maker.
(NOTE from Maurice: If you learn to not put things in that blender that don't go in the blender, it probably won't break so often.)
48. Always have a kingly plan. Be remembering that "run," "blame a subject," and "panic" all count as being plans.
49. Always be expecting the unexpected!
50. And FINALLY ... be magnificent, fantabulous, splendid, regal, swagalicious, hip, wondrous, and awe-inspiring all the time! Or, as I like to say, MAGNIFANTABULENDA-LICIOUSWONSPIRING. If you can master the art of magnifantabulenda-liciousavespiringness, you will have no problemness anymore! But this is very hard to do, so just keep watching me and maybe someday you will learn.
That is being the end of my amazing advice! Maurice, be doing the conclusion.
Well, that ends Julien's fifty tips for you all. If you ask me, there's one other big tip you need to remember: always listen to your right-hand-man and you can't go wrong.
Oh, Maurice, you are so silly! Such a jokester, that one. Bye-bye, my faithful readers!
THEEEEE END! I LOVE YOUR FEET!
Mort, this is being MY book! Get your smudgy ink marks out of it! I am to be saying the final word!
Me End!