So, this is all because of ajksmusic. I've had the idea in my head for a week because of her, and finally had the chance to work it all out and get it up.
Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: If I wish hard enough maybe they'll let me intern for Castle.
Summary: It's been a part of her for so long, how can she just leave it?
A companion of The Watch.
She stares at her reflection in the mirror propped against her dresser.
Her face looks…tired. Her skin is pale, the circles underneath her eyes seem a little too dark for her liking, and her eyes just don't look ready to start the day. She just looks tired.
She feels tired. But of what, specifically, she's not really sure.
It's been a long year. Sometimes she doesn't even feel like 'Kate.'
The bottle of liquid foundation finds its way into her hand, and with practiced perfection she covers all signs of the fact that she hasn't been sleeping as well as she'd hoped to, almost a year after the trauma.
But then again, she thinks, it's really not over yet, is it?
That's what she and Burke spoke about at her last appointment. The fact that she still feels like there's a knot in her chest and a wall around her.
She wants to be able to make it through a week – just one goddamn week, without the need to sit in front of her window shutter murder board and think endlessly about her mother's case. It's like some sort of hideous spell that has this hold on her. She's sick of it.
Dr. Burke has really helped her. He made her realize, genuinely acknowledge that she is not responsible for that night twelve years ago and that she can still love her mother even if she decides to move past this fight.
They had discussed different ways for her to feel better, coping strategies and stress relieving ideas. She has the little mantra she says to herself on her ride up the elevator to her desk every morning – you can do this, you can help someone who needs you today, she would be proud of you. She takes three deep breaths every time she thinks she could be slipping, and three at the end of the day for making it through. She takes a hot bath almost every night, loosing herself in a book, and treats herself to a nice desert once a week.
She's committed to everything Dr. Burke suggested, except for the one thing she didn't think she could ever do.
The cool silver chain slides through her fingers, the ring catching the light as it flips over in her palm. She's worn it nearly everyday since her dad had handed it to her – your mother would want you to have it.
Her throat tightens up with the thought of actually going through with it today. After all, she's stood in this same spot countless times, not once strong enough to actually do it.
She thinks about how much better she's been doing, and how much farther she has to go. Maybe this is just another step she just has to take. And it's only a breakfast date with her dad. If she doesn't like how it makes her feel she can come back and get it.
A heavy but shaky sigh escapes her lips. Are her hands trembling? She thinks they might be. It's been a part of her for so long, how can she just leave it here?
Somehow Kate convinces herself that it's the right thing to do. She should at least try so that she can be honest at her next appointment.
Oh so carefully, she reaches out and drapes the ring over her wire jewelry tree. The chain dangles down, pooling in the tray below. She breaks her stare before she can talk herself back out of it. Quickly, she gathers her jacket and purse and with one last look at her mother's ring she heads out of her apartment.
...
She feels off as she sits in the booth in their favorite diner. Different.
But everything is different now, so she guesses it makes sense.
"Hey," he says, almost concerned, as he slides into the booth, opposite her. "You okay there?"
"Huh?" She looks up and smiles at his 'worried father' face. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just a tough morning."
"Have you been feeling alright? The weather's been so weird, and if it's enough to make my knees hurt-"
"Dad, I'm fine. Good days and bad days, remember? And the good are outnumbering the bad, anyway."
"That's good," he nods, picks up the plastic lined menu. "Now, you thinking of your usual, or are you going to try something more grown-up today?"
She scoffs and rolls her eyes. "First of all, it's my favorite. Second, why mess with a good thing? It's withstood the test of time, it deserves some respect."
"Katie." He lowers his voice, messing with her, "They're pancakes."
"Then why do you care so much?" She sticks her tongue out playfully, "You don't have to eat them."
"Fine then," he says with a proud flick of his head, "I'm having eggs and bacon."
"Psh, boring."
"Hey. In the words of my best girl, 'you don't have to eat them'."
"Fine, fine." She holds her hands up in surrender. "Agree to disagree."
"Exactly. Now," he leans over the table after they place their orders, folding his hands together, "Tell me what's on your mind."
She squints as she opens her mouth, ready to argue, but he cuts her off. "Yes, yes, you're 'fine', I know. But I'm your dad, and I can tell that something's got you worked up. Just a little."
She looks at him for a long moment, knowing full well that he won't let her get out of it. He's been much better at getting her to talk in the last year. Shrugging her jacket off, she settles back into the leather cushion, carefully thinking over her words in her head.
"I'm not wearing Mom's ring."
She can only finger the handle of her coffee mug, waiting for his reaction. But she's not really even sure what she's waiting for.
"Anymore?"
Kate shakes her head, still staring down into her coffee. "I'm not sure?" She didn't intend for it to sound like a question, but it does. "It was something Dr. Burke came up with. To, see if it helps me feel better."
He just looks at her with those loving eyes, the ones that tell her he just wants her to be okay. "And does it?"
She shrugs. "Well, it's only been an hour, so I'm not really sure. I'm gonna take it one day at a time." Her throat tightens, making it hard for her to squeeze the words out. They sound choked and lost. "Dad, I don't want to feel like I'm leaving her behind."
"Oh, Katie," he rests his hand atop hers, "You're not. You couldn't if you tried."
"He thinks that maybe if I stop wearing it everyday I'll be able to…move forward. Kick the…addiction, I guess." She hesitates with the word, knowing how much it means for them. She doesn't want him to feel guilty, or responsible, but she's starting to believe that this case might be a legitimate addiction for her. Her alcohol. "But it feels weird."
His hand is a warm weight on hers, an anchor. "That's how these things go. It feels weird for a while. Like you're not quite yourself. But soon enough it won't feel so different, and maybe you'll find you don't need it there all the time, just…special occasions." He smiles. "It takes a lot to even try."
"It's just…" she combs her hair away from her face, "it's Mom. You gave her that ring."
"Yes, I did. Gave it to you, too. But hey, give it some time, okay?" He smiles at her, "One day, it won't hurt so much, and wearing it will feel…good."
"I hope so."
"Who knows," he smirks, "maybe the next time you start wearing it everyday it'll be on your finger."
"Dad," she laughs halfheartedly at the implication.
"A man can hope, right? Just want the best for my little girl." The waitress interrupts them, setting down their two plates. "Who," he motions with his head to her plate full of double chocolate chip pancakes, "is thirty-two years old and still eats like she's six."
She saws her knife through the edge of one of the pancakes, stabs her fork into it. "I don't criticize your eating habits." She tries not to laugh too hard as she chews on her delicious pancakes.
"You going to tell me how things are going at work?" He starts on his own breakfast as she shakes her head.
She watches an errant chocolate chip fall from her fork, thinks about everything that's going on at the precinct – Ryan's lingering post-wedding bliss, Esposito and Lanie's…whatever it is, Castle-
"Nope. Not a day for talking about work. I'm going to enjoy my breakfast with my dad, do some shopping, and relax." A smiles graces her face, garnering one from her father in return.
"I think that sounds like a good way to spend the day."
She nods, and then realizes that she's already feeling a little lighter. "Yeah," she nods, "very good."
Maybe she doesn't need to wear the ring to be herself.
Thoughts?
Tappin
=)