A/N: The original idea was to parody all of the songs from "Wicked" to create a fabulous tapestry of Chris hating. I started off with the brilliant title "No One Likes Chris Hayden" (to replace "No One Mourns the Wicked"), and not much else. Eventually, I worked up about half of this song, which I now call "Diner Man". It lay dormant in the memory of my computer for a long time, while I attempted to pass my midterms, but it wouldn't go away. Eventually, I decided it just had to be finished sometime, preferably while Chris and Lorelai were still together (to give it ranting power). I know spoilers (if you hate them, cross your eyes and hum the theme song until you get to the end of this sentence) Chris and Lorelai are almost done, but bear in mind that this was mostly written at the beginning of Season 7. This parodies the song "Wonderful", and these lyrics should line up pretty much exactly with the music from Wicked.
Disclaimer: If I owned it, this would be the new theme song.
For those of you that are like me and didn't bother to read the author's note, this is a parody of the song "Wonderful" from Wicked. It probably helps if you are familiar with the original song. For those of you that don't know, a JavaJunkie is a Luke/Lorelai fan. Remember that.
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Diner Man
We never asked for Chris
Or wanted this romance
In fact, we believe Luke
Needs a second change
Luke never quite deserved
That 'now or never' shot
Besides that, he owns
Basically everybody's
Favorite coffee spot
Luke always tries to help
Everyone who needs him
He's the only reason why
We even watch this season
And can you blame us when we say
Chris and 'Lor' are done
What can we do?
We want that couple who
We've loved since Season 1
Diner man
We want our diner man
We miss his coffee and his awesome rants
Our gorgeous diner man
His hat, his calloused hands
His brilliant blue eyes and his smiling glace
No show has ever had
Such an amazing dad
Makes sure his kid has everything she needs
Always knows what to do
And he's a hero to All of the people he feeds
The coffee is dying
The fans are crying
And damn Christopher just makes us pissed
The network is lying
DR is denying
The greatest love story that ever did exist
Seasons 1-5 at least
Made us happy when released
All those good old days are sorely missed
We want our diner man
We want his old blue hat
And sure, we all hate Chris and wish he'd die
But most of all, we just wonder why
Why did the world's most perfect couple fall apart?
ASP...
How could you have left us?
Robbed us and bereft us
Of our JavaJunkieness?
Our hopes for Luke and Lorelai are going down the tubes...
Diner man
We need our diner man
Don't help those C/L fans
Whom we eschew
We don't know what to do We're just too lost without you
Fabulous Danes diner man
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A/N: If you enjoy this and other rants about Christopher, Season 7, or the suspicious lack of coffee this season, surf on over to and check out the fabulous Gilmore Girls forums. Also note that somehow, every C/L thread magically turns into a JavaJunkie thread by about the fourth post. Hmmm.