When Love Calls Your Name Chapter 1: Prologue Save Up All Your Tears, a dawson's creek fanfic

Prologue - Save up all your tears

As the sun set on what was to be our last night at sea, I can't help but wonder how everything will be when we get home. Will Bessie give me a stern talking to for running off for the summer? How is Dawson? Will he want to see me?

I am pretty certain that Bessie is going to be mad. I've talked to her a few times since we left and I have this feeling that Bessie was keeping something from me, but I'm not entirely sure. It's not anything she's said but more the tone in which she's said things.

Everything had been going well between Pacey and I, but how would things be once we were back on dry land? Back in the familiar setting of home life, with friends and family.

Do I even still have friends; I find myself wondering as I lay awake well into the night, able to hear the boat swaying and Pacey snoring. I realize that it will probably be difficult for Dawson seeing us together, and probably Andie too. Jen seemed to have been somewhat supportive of my growing feelings but what about the aftermath? And I don't know how Jack will react.

The closer we've gotten to going home the more I've found my mind wandering to all the possible scenarios of how things will go from here. What will it be like to see Dawson again? I feel like I've somehow changed, I'm a different person. Part of me dreads having to see Dawson; will there be hurt in his eyes? But there's still this part of me anxious to see him. I hope we're still friends; I wouldn't want this, my being with Pacey to ruin our friendship.

Deep down I know it's going to have some sort of effect on him, but maybe in time, who knows?

The next evening as we dock the boat, there a huge part of me that doesn't want the summer to end, doesn't want to step off this boat. To step off of the boat means I will move away from something that seems safe and secure to so much unknown, so much uncertainty. I've hoped against hope that nothing has changed since I've been gone, but I have a gut feeling that so much has changed. How could everything have stayed the same?

As we walk along the dock we make plans for the following afternoon and as Pacey headed in the direction of home, I'm hesitant for a brief moment.

"What are a few more minutes?" I wonder as I head in the direction of the Leery house. "Bessie won't have to know I got back earlier."

Those conversations that have been playing in my mind between Dawson and myself starting once more, he doesn't want to be friends, he doesn't feel we can be friends when he still has feelings for me, he's moved on and realizes we can't ever be more than friends. I'm not sure which of those scares me the most.

As I near the house my eyes are immediately drawn to his bedroom window and for a moment I stop in my tracks, with the thought finally dawning on me, 'this is not going to be so easy'.

The ladder is gone.

Mustering up some courage, I take a few steps closer to the house before something on the front lawn catches my eye. I blink and it's still there, the 'for sale' sign.

"The Leery's are moving?" I find myself saying out loud, not quite able to believe it. How can I possibly imagine Capeside without them?

I'd thought that I could maybe deal with Dawson not talking to me for a while, with us slowly rebuilding our friendship, but him leaving town? I wasn't prepared for that.

How could I possibly live knowing this was no longer the Leery house?

As I walk up the porch steps I note there's no car parked in the driveway. I knock on the door, wondering how he'll react seeing me. A minute later no one has answered and I guess everyone is out.

Turning to go home, something or rather someone catches my eye at the end of the dock. Jen.

Slowly I walk in her direction, a feeling of relief overcoming me. At least by seeing Jen first I can gauge how Dawson feels about seeing me, how he is doing and why the Leery's are moving house.

But I'm in no way prepared for what's about to come.

Jen seems to be in her own little world and hasn't heard my approach.

"Hey." I say as I sit beside her, pulling her from her thoughts. "How are you?"

"Oh hey, you're back." Jen replies giving me a small smile. "I'm okay. How are you? How was your trip?"

"I'm good, the trip was good."

"Is that it?"

"Yeah." I reply, what more should there be to say. I'm more in the mood for asking Jen questions.

"How's Grams?"

"She's doing well too."

There's a brief silence as I work my way towards asking about Dawson and I guess Jen is already preparing herself for my questions.

"Have you been home yet?" Jen asks maybe she's stalling for time, not wanting me to hear Dawson doesn't want anything to do with me.

"No. I ah, I wanted to stop by to see Dawson. See how he is."

"Bessie didn't tell you anything while you were gone?"

"Tell me the Leery's were selling up? No."

"Oh." Jen mouths and something in her eyes confirms my suspicions that Bessie was keeping something from me, something other than the "for sale" sign in the yard. She closes her eyes for a moment as though she is composing herself before she finally blurts out. "Dawson isn't here."

"I know, there was no answer." I reply as I cast my eyes over the creek like I have so many times before. But something about the way Jen has said it makes me look back at her. "That's not what you meant, is it?"

Jen shakes her head and swallows. "He's in Canton, at his Aunt Gwen's."

Surprised I furrow my brow and try to process the new information. Why is he there? "What's he doing there?" I finally ask.

"Trying to come to terms with everything."

"With everything?" I'm more confused now. Dawson isn't in Capeside and the Leery's are moving, was either of that because of me? The Leery's would never leave Capeside. "You mean with Pacey and I?"

"Yes and no."

"You're not making much sense Jen." I reply starting to feel like I'm being kept in the dark about everything, about something major. "What's going on?"

She looks like she's blinking back tears but manages to speak, "I so wasn't prepared for being the one who had to deliver this news to you. But it appears I'm going to have to do it."

Jen swats at a tear running down her cheek and for a moment I'm prepared to tell her to stop because she seems upset but then my mind begins to wonder what could possibly have upset Jen so much.

"It all began not long after you and Pacey left for Florida. Jack, Andie, Dawson and I were in his room talking when there was a knock on the door. Dawson went to answer it and he seemed to be taking ages coming back. So we went to find him and found that it was Sheriff Witter who had been at the door."

"Sheriff Witter?"

"Yeah."

"Was he looking for Pa-"

"Joey, not everything that happens revolves around you and Pacey." Jen cuts me off and I'm taken aback at her outburst. After a moment Jen starts to speak again as she looks out over the creek, possibly unable to look me in the eye. "Dawson was sitting at the foot of the stairs, staring into space, seemingly in shock. That's when the Sheriff took us to the side and told us the news, Gail and Mitch had died."

"What?" I ask, not quite believing what I'm hearing and Jen continues as though I never said anything.

"There had been an accident as they were nearing Boston, on the freeway. Three cars were involved and–" she pauses for a moment, sniffing. "They were killed instantly. We were all in shock, Jack went to get Grams. Andie and I tried to comfort Dawson, but he seemed to have been shutting everything else out. The Sheriff's department was trying to find Gwen, but they knew she had been at the wedding and was probably not home yet."

'This can't be true', I think to myself as Jen talks, a silent tear slides down her cheek.

"Eventually someone got in touch with Gwen and she came back and we all tried to be there for Dawson but he seemed to be closing himself off, it was like no one could reach him. He wouldn't see anyone, well aside from the funeral, but that was just the ceremony and then he went back to Grams. Not wanting to be with anyone." Jen continues as she removes a handkerchief from her pocket. "I guess it was all getting a bit too much for him. By that point he wasn't even living in their house, he was staying with us. A few days later Gwen told us Dawson wanted to leave, wanted to go to Gwen's."

Jen blows her nose.

"I guess Dawson didn't want to be faced with all the memories, all the pain. We tried saying goodbye, I tried talking to him again, telling him I was there for him. But he just seemed so distant, like he wasn't listening. Like he didn't want to be reached."

"You guys couldn't have tried hard enough." I find myself saying.

"That's easy for you to say when you were off sailing with your boyfriend, while the guy who meant so much to you for so long lost the three most important people in his life, on the same day." She hits back.

"Three?" I question as Jen looks back at me again and I can see the answer in Jen's eyes.

"You were the other person Joey." She tells me. "He may not have said anything but to him it must have felt like he lost you that day too."

Jen took a deep breath and we fell into silence, watching the flow of the creek.

I open my mouth to say something but close it again, thinking twice before finally asking a question I am sure I'll find myself thinking of for weeks, months or years to come.

"If I had been here…would it have made any difference?" Even as I ask this I know the answer is probably going to be 'yes'. I know that Jen has more than likely thought it and Jack and Grams, Bessie and Andie and everyone, probably even Dawson.

"Yes." She blurts out after a split seconds thought. "I think it would have. We'll never know for sure, but I believe the one person who could have reached him in all this, the one person who understood a fraction of his loss would have known what to do because they'd been there too. They'd gotten through it themselves."

Stung by Jen's words, I can't help the tears that have started to trickle down my cheeks. Are they tears for the harsh yet true words, or for the loss of two people who had been like parents to me? Or maybe they are tears for the guy who was supposed to be my best friend and at one point my world, the one who'd been abandoned by the people he loved most.

As I continued to sit there seemingly in a daze I surmise the tears are probably due to all three.

'How do I reply to that', I think to myself as I continue to sit there, both of us silent.

"I'm sorry if I'm sounding quite blunt Joey, I am." Jen begins. "But it's what I found myself thinking over and over again in those first few days. He didn't want to see anyone or talk. The only time he came out of the room he slept in was for the funeral and a few days later they left."

Trying to absorb the information and feeling the need to know more I ask, "Has Dawson been back since?"

"No." Jen shakes her head. "To be honest, I don't think he'll be back for a while, if at all."

"Who decided to sell the house?"

"Gwen said Dawson didn't think he could ever bear to step foot in it again, too many memories. Too much to remind him of the past and too much to make him wonder about what could have been. It would have been too painful." She pauses for a moment. "Over the summer we started to pack things up, Gwen came down for a few days but she didn't like to leave Dawson on his own. Some of the stuff was put in storage, some sold. As I said there are too many memories."

I can't figure you out
But a heart must be the one thing
You were born without
I've been wastin' my time
I don't know where I'll sleep tonight
You say that you can do without me
Go ahead now try and live without me

I silently nod my head and try to imagine how hard it would be to be reminded of everything you loved no matter where you turned.

Remembering when Mom died. I'd been sad and couldn't stay at home, too much to think about without my mother there, it wasn't like home without her. But that was why the Leery's had allowed me to stay with them, why Dawson wouldn't leave my side unless he had to. He'd seen me through it and I'd been grateful to have him.

And now it appeared he'd had no one. Not like I did, I found myself thinking as fresh tears began to fall.

We sat in silence for a little while longer before I knew I should probably go home, after all I hadn't seen Bessie all summer.

I guess Bessie didn't want to ruin my summer and that's why she waited before telling me about the Lerry's but now I feel guilty for having a good summer, when other people I cared about and loved were miserable. I'd have rather she'd told me, I would have come back.

Baby save up all your tears
You might need them someday
When the tears start to fall
I won't wipe them away
When you're cryin all night
For the love that you need
Baby save up your tears
'Cause you'll be cryin' over me

I said goodbye to Jen, told her I'd see her tomorrow or else the day we went back to school, but the truth was things seemed somewhat strained between us from that moment on. I felt somewhat guilty, sure Mitch and Gail's death hadn't been my fault but I should have been there for Dawson.

In the short time period between the start of the school year and our return I told Pacey I needed some time to myself. I had so much to deal with, needing to grieve for people who had been like parents to me. Also feeling I needed to come to terms with Dawson's departure. He said he understood, he loved Mitch and Gail too.

Once school started back Pacey and I started to see one another again, but within a few weeks Pacey told me that anytime we were alone it was as though I was holding back from something until the atmosphere just always seemed tense. He was certain my thoughts always seemed to drift to where I was when Dawson was going through all of this, until it became unbearable.

"You realize in the end, he still had an affect on the outcome of our relationship?" Pacey said as he walked towards the door of my bedroom.

"I can't believe you're saying that." I replied in disbelief as I sat on my bed.

"I know it's not intentional, but it's true." He assured me. "Given a choice he'd rather have his parents back than have us apart. Don't you think this is hurting me too? Remember they meant a lot to me."

"I know they meant a lot to you, they were like surrogate parents because of how our parents failed us…"

"Then why?" He cut in.

"Pacey, I just need space to deal with all of this. Right now, every time I'm with you I remember where I wasn't. I wasn't there for him when he needed me most." I manage to finish through the tears that fall. "He won't take my calls. I call Gwen every day and he won't speak to me. Some friend I turned out to be." I finish wiping the tears away.

"I guess we both failed in that department." He says as he looks at me again.

"I'm not saying it's over for good." I tell him with tears in my eyes.

With his hand on the doorknob he looked back at me for a moment, "I really hope that's true."

You got used to my touch
I got used to not, not feelin' much
Winter set in your eyes
Time will melt your castle of ice
You think that you won't feel the pain now
But your eyes will be cryin'
Like the rain now

The first six months after we'd returned from our summer vacation were hell. For months I'd been trying to talk to Dawson on the phone, I'd told Gwen I'd come and visit and she told me that it probably wouldn't be a good idea. Dawson wouldn't speak to me on the phone so what made me think he'd see me.

A week later I decided to give it up. I couldn't really afford the long distance calls but I'd always hoped maybe he'd eventually give in and talk to me. In the end I guess I must have hurt him too much, even though he told me to go to Pacey. My choice had been clear to him at the time, I wanted Pacey and not him, I left him. Now he wants nothing to do with me.

You'll be cryin' over me

Those first few weeks of school had been pretty strained for us all. It was difficult to try to remain as close as we had become. Pacey and I had hurt so many people; in the beginning I hadn't fully seen that. We'd obviously hurt Dawson but I hadn't really known how much Andie had been hurt by it. She'd somehow been holding out for her and Pacey getting back together. Jack felt in the middle, loyalty to his sister won out though. And Jen, she told me she wanted to but couldn't bring herself to forgive me for not being there for Dawson.

"It's too hard Joey, I see you and every time I do I'm reminded of how much pain he was in." She told me one day as we walked home from school after she'd asked if we could talk.

"You think I don't feel it? That I don't wish I could change everything?"

You don't know it now
You don't know it now
You don't know it now
You don't know it now
You don't know it now
But some wounds get deeper with time
You don't feel it now
Till the need burns, a knife turns
Your heart bleeds like mine

"I know you do. I see the pain in your eyes, but it doesn't compare to the pain I saw in his." She stopped walking as we reached the point were we would normally go our separate ways, only this time we were quite literally going our separate ways. "I know that if you could you would turn back the clock and stay. Be here for him, but you can't. And I know he's not here but I feel like I'm somehow betraying his hurt."

We were both silent for a moment.

"Maybe with time…" I began but she cut me off.

"Maybe, but for now I can't be your friend. There's gonna come a time when you'll start dating a guy and I'll wonder about Dawson and if he's come to terms with his grief yet because he'll have to before he can date anyone. It's just too difficult."

"I understand."

"I told Pacey the same thing. I see the pain in Andie's eyes too; knowing someone you love is with someone else, a look you probably saw in the mirror when I first moved here, one I tried to ignore."

We fall back into silence, neither of us quite sure of what to say, or even if we should just walk away. Neither of us wanting to be the first to go but in the end someone has to make that move.

"I'll see you Joey." Jen says as she starts to back away.

"I'll see you Jen." I reply saddened that it's had to come to this.

He really was the glue that held it all together.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I'd done that so many times, Bessie said she was worried about me but I told her I was just still trying to come to terms with everything. I hadn't told her that a part of me was mad at her for not telling me sooner. But she had told me that even if she had told me sooner it would have still been too late because Dawson had already gone by the time I called.

You'll be cryin' over me
'Cause you'll be cryin' over me
You'll be cryin' over me
(You'll be cryin' over me)
(You don't know it now)
(You don't know it now)
You'll be cryin' over me
(You don't know it now)
(You don't know it now)
(You don't feel it now)
(You don't feel it now)
You don't feel it now
You'll be cryin' over me
*cher – save up all your tears*

As the tears took hold I clutched the photo that I hid under my pillow, a picture of Dawson and I from last year, not long after our one month anniversary. We looked so happy then, as though we could accomplish anything and now look at us. I deserved my misery, I'd hurt him one too many times and look what the outcome was.

I cried for him, I cried for myself and more than anything, I cried for us. For a future that would never be, because no matter what, no matter who I had been with, I only ever envisioned myself being married to him. Now even that has faded.

As the night creeps on I wonder what his future will be like, what my future will be. Feeling terrified to know that he'll never be a part of it. And it's all my fault.

*to be continued...*