Criticism appreciated. By criticism, I don't mean "Dude this sucks i could of had more fun watching grass grow." If you don't like it, explain why. If you do like it, explain what you liked. I'm here to improve my writing through peer review, and "That was cool/That sucked" doesn't help me much.
[6F01] "How Green Was My Lisa" by Andrew Levine
Additional support by Carl Johnson and John C. Hallyburton, Jr.
Completed October 19, 1999
Revised for submission November 1, 2000
Blackboard: THE LUNCH MENU DOES NOT CONTAIN ENCODED PROPHECIES
Couch scene: Instead of a couch, there are five telephone booths in the living room, arranged in a row. Each family member gets into his or her own booth. They simultaneously check their watches. Then, each falls through a trap door in the bottom his or her phone booth, a la "Get Smart."
[ACT ONE]
INT. SPRINGFIELD CONVENTION CENTER
(A banner reads:
BEYOND 2000:
TECHNOLOGY & THE FUTURE & YOU
Tilt down to reveal SEYMOUR SKINNER walking the halls of the convention center; MRS. KRABAPPEL is walking next to him. In the background can be seen various exhibits:
VIRTUAL PET ROCK
ABORTION GUN -- FAST & EASY
-- AS SEEN ON "THE 700 CLUB")SKINNER: Now remember, children, the marvels of science on display here are just a sample of what will be realized in the coming Information Age, when playing God will be just as easy as playing Boggle. (chuckles) We will meet back at 12:30 for lunch at the food court; until then, you can peruse such marvels of science as the Genetically Engineered Lollipop Tree, or the --
(SKINNER turns around. We see that there are no students following him.)
KRABAPPEL: The students all split the moment we walked through the entrance. You've been talking to yourself for ten minutes.
SKINNER: And you didn't stop me?
KRABAPPEL: (chuckles) Oh, if you could've seen yourself... (walks out of frame)
SKINNER: Hm. Well, I think I will check out that lollipop tree. (walks out of frame in the opposite direction)
INT. CONVENTION CENTER -- SOMEWHERE ELSE
(BART and LISA are roaming the halls. They join a crowd which has gathered around one exhibit. From their p.o.v. we see PROF. FRINK with his hand on top of a sleek, very large television set.)
FRINK: The Infinitron 2000 has all the features expected of top-of-the-line television sets in twenty years: razor-sharp picture, full internet access, microprocessor, microbrewery...(stops to put a mug under a spigot on the side of the Infinitron; he pulls the spigot and beer fills the mug)...and 6000 channels from around the world, including several pay-per-view channels of questionable legality, gl'haven gl'hey.
(FRINK picks up a remote control the size of a large shoe and switches channels with it. He flips past channels showing the following, dwelling on each one for about 2-3 seconds:
Outside in the snow, a group of parka-clad scientists are frantically running around, comparing printed-out photographs of snowflakes and looking at flakes under microscopes. A sign at the bottom of the screen reads "Live from Murmansk ---2,406,199,770,219,345 snowflakes counted -- Total matches: 0". The number of snowflakes counted is rising rapidly.
Big Bird from "Sesame Street," wearing a Mao-style cap with a red star. In one hand, he is holding one of Mao's little red books, and in the other, a sign with the Chinese ideograph for "bird" on it in the other. He is speaking in Chinese.
A plain black screen with no sound. A sign at the bottom reads "The Use-Your-Imagination Channel."
Seen through a fish-eye lens, a naked Japanese man with very long fingernails and hair is sitting in a small room eating ramen noodles with chopsticks. A digitally added eggplant covers his privates. An unseen audience is laughing and cheering.)
(Cut to BART and LISA in the audience.)
BART: Cool!
LISA: Dad would love to have that!
FRINK: And if this sneak preview hasn't been enough of a treat, we'll be raffling off a one-week home trial period for this prototype model at 12:00 today. You will be there, or else be some sort of equilateral quadrate, g'hey.
(We hear applause from the crowd)
MILHOUSE (in audience): Uh, sir? It's already 12:03.
FRINK: Eh? (checks watch) Oh. Well, in that case, tickets are $10 each, form a single line segment behind the desk that you see over there...
(People push past each other to get in line for tickets.)
(Cut to BART and LISA, getting in line)
BART: Think we should buy a ticket? I doubt we'll win.
LISA: I don't know why, but I have the strangest feeling that no matter how bad the odds are, we'll win. Things like that just happen to the Simpsons. Let's pool our lunch money and buy a ticket.
BART: What do they have at the food court?
LISA: Hardee's, Popeye's, and TCBY.
BART: I'm in. (hands her his money)
(LISA buys one ticket from a MAN behind a desk. He has a bingo cage with numbered balls in it on the desk. She's the last person in line.
Cut to LISA holding her ticket. The numbers on it are 12-15-96.
The MAN cranks the bingo cage.
Cut to BART and LISA. LISA is holding her ticket.)
MAN: Twelve......Fifteen.......
LISA: (closing her eyes, crossing her fingers) C'mon....
MAN: Ninety-six.
BART + LISA: Yayyy!
MAN: Oh, wait sorry, I was reading it upside down.
BART + LISA: Awww...
MAN: The real number is....Ninety-six!
BART + LISA: Yayyy!
LISA: I just hope Dad isn't too attached to our old TV. Remember when he set up an altar in front of it and prayed for a CHiPs marathon?
BART: There's a phone right over there. Call him, just to make sure it's okay. He'll be so thrilled he'll probably vomit.
LISA: Eww.
BART: Well, maybe he'll only be thrilled enough to belch.
(LISA walks over to the pay telephone indicated by BART and puts a coin into the slot. She then picks up the receiver and dials.)
INT. LEFT HALF OF SIMPSON LIVING ROOM
(HOMER is on the far left of the couch. The phone rings and he answers it.)
HOMER: Y'ello?........
Uh-huh..........
Yeah...............
Oh, no! Absolutely no way! What we've got right now is just fine for our family.........
(surly) Oh, don't you cry to me like that! I still love you.
(He hangs up the phone)
(Pull out to reveal that the rest of the family is sitting on the couch to HOMER's right. The Infinitron is already installed. BART is checking out the oversize remote control and LISA is studying the manual; MARGE has MAGGIE on her lap.)
MARGE: Who was that just now?
HOMER: One of those life insurance people. But forget that. I want to see this thing in action. After all, I was so thrilled when you called me up about it. (to BART) Hand me that remote, boy.
(BART does so. HOMER examines the large remote control, locates the power button, and turns on the TV.
CUT TO: Shot of TV screen. An opera (La Traviata) is in progress.)
(PREVIOUS SHOT)
MARGE: I can't get over how clear the picture is! You can practically smell the....um.....opera hall scent.
HOMER: Opera-fresh or no, I still refuse to watch this crap.
LISA: But wait, look at this. You can change the camera angles you're viewing it from. (leaning over) Just press those buttons over there.
(HOMER presses some buttons on the remote.)
(PREVIOUS SHOT)
(The angles that we view the opera from changes to a view from the mezzanine seats, then from right at the foot of the stage, then an aerial view, then a view of the diva's crotch.)
(PREVIOUS SHOT)
MARGE: Homer!
HOMER: Sorry.
(LISA is still reading the user's manual.)
LISA: You can even pause and rewind live TV as if it were on videotape.
HOMER: Wow! This is your greatest invention yet, Lisa!
LISA: I won it in a raffle.
HOMER: (patting her on the head) I'm just as proud of you either way. I always say, it's better to be lucky than to be smart.
BART: After we're done watching the fat lady sing, can we turn on the Mexican cockfighting championships on ESPN-4?
MARGE: I want to see what's on the Bangladeshi Home Shopping Network right now. I've heard lots of good things about their prices.
HOMER: Sure. We'll all sit and enjoy an evening of TV together. Could I get another beer, son?
BART: (taking Homer's glass to the spigot on the side of the Infinitron) You bet, Homer. One micro-Duff coming right up. Anyone else want one? Lisa? No?
(DISSOLVE TO: Another shot of the Simpsons on the couch. It is now dark and the only light is coming from the Infinitron. It is obvious that many hours have passed.)
ANNOUNCER: We will return to our the 1941 film "A Yiddish Dentist in Harlem," on the Tulsa Cable Provider Transitional Channel, right after this.
(CUT TO: The TV, showing a commercial.)
(SHOT: An ugly, polluting oil refinery.)
WOMAN (voice-over): The Burnscodyne oil smelter was a cancer on the natural beauty of rural Montana. Something had to be done to shut down this ecological nightmare for good.
(CUT TO: Shots of people campaigning, handing out buttons decrying the plant, writing letters, etc.)
WOMAN (v.o.): So a massive campaign against the plant was started. Letters were written, complaints poured into the state branch of the EPA, and a class-action suit was filed. The end result: the owner of the plant simply laughed at them all.
(CUT TO: A very brief shot at MR. BURNS laughing. It's cut off abruptly.)
(CUT TO: A shot of a few hundred protesters at the plant, forming a picket line and barring anyone from entering the building.)
WOMAN (v.o.): Then, thanks to the intervention of four local branches of "Eco-First!", the efforts to shut down the Burnscodyne smelter finally succeeded.
(We see the smokestacks at the plant turning off as the protesters continue their vigil.)
(CUT TO: A beautiful garden, with trees, flowers, etc. We see the WOMAN whose voice we heard, and a MAN.)
MAN: Unlike most environmental organizations who take your money and funnel it into special-interest groups, we at Eco-First! don't just care about the environment. We actually *do* something about it.
WOMAN: Remember, you can't spell "forest coterie" without Eco-First!
MAN: And, you can't spell Eco-First! without the exclamation point. Our lawyers just won't allow it.
(CUT TO: The Simpsons on the couch. LISA is obviously quite interested in the commercial. The commercial is continuing)
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: (o.s.) Learn more about Eco-First! at the annual Springfield Environmental Activists' convention at town hall, Saturday night at 6:00. All who wish to attend are invited.
LISA: Dad, can we go to that?
HOMER: Eh, I'll take some time to think about it.
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: And, our special guest speaker that night will be Jane Fonda.
HOMER: (eyes light up) All right, that's it, we're going, everyone get in the car. (Gets up to leave)
MARGE: The meeting isn't until tomorrow night, Homer.
HOMER: So? This is a big thing! We can camp out in the car for this. Ooh! We can roast marshmallows over the cigarette lighter!
(BART and LISA run to the car, cheering. HOMER follows them)
MARGE: Hmm. Well, that *does* sound like fun... (She picks up MAGGIE and leaves for the car.)
EXT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN HALL
(Banner on the side of the building reads: "Welcome Environmentalists and Jane Fonda." The Simpson car drives up to the building and the family gets out.)
INT. TOWN HALL
(There are a few people in the building, including some young people, all dressed casually; the rest of the people are all citizens of Springfield whom we are familiar with. OFF walks in. From the other end of the town hall, a young, slender WOMAN with long brown hair, who is wearing a solid green T-shirt, blue jeans with torn cuffs, and Earth shoes weaves in and out of the crowd, talking to various people.)
WOMAN: Jesse! Can't believe you went so far out of your way... How's the revolution coming? (chuckles)... Nina Rubin, is that you? I remember you from the lumber sit-in last summer in Oregon...glad to see you could make it...
(She comes to the Simpsons.)
WOMAN: Hello. Are you new here?
MARGE: Yes. My name is Marge Simpson, and this is my husband Homer.
LISA: We just heard about you yesterday. May name is Lisa, and I'm interested in joining your group.
WOMAN: So you're Lisa Simpson? I read that essay you wrote for school about the importance of saving the bloated silt rat. I wish more people would read it. It might get them to realize that it's just as important to protect ugly animals as it is to protect cute ones. I'm Rosemary Birch, president of the Springfield branch of Eco-First!, and I'd be proud to have you join us in our fight.
(The Simpson family walks away. ROSEMARY walks over to the entrance of the town hall, where PABLO, another activist, is trying to hand out leaflets to people entering. PABLO has tousled black hair, glasses with circular lenses, and wears a bandana on his head, a faux-leather jacket, a shirt with a graphic of the Earth on it, dull green pants, and black boots. People pass right by PABLO without taking any leaflets from him. Some of them are wearing leather jackets or pants.)
PABLO: Take one, please....Leather is murder...Stop the madness...take one, please. Uh, please? Oh, who am I kidding. This is a lost cause. .
ROSEMARY: Hello, Pablo.
PABLO: Hi, Rosemary. Who were those people you were just talking to?
ROSEMARY: A family named Simpson. Their young daughter wants to join Eco-First!. She certainly seemed motivated enough.
PABLO: (thinking) Simpson.....Was the girl's father's name Homer, by any chance?
ROSEMARY: I believe it was. Why do you ask?
PABLO: Remember a couple years back when they almost had the nuclear meltdown? Homer Simpson was the one who prevented a disaster, purely through dumb luck. It was big news...The Catholic church even recognized it as a miracle, and canonized William of Hope, choosing him as the patron saint of lucky bastards.
ROSEMARY: So, Lisa's father works at the nuclear power plant? I think it would be wise to have a chat with her. In the meantime, you stay here and pass out leaflets to the senseless seal-clubbing masses.
(She leaves. Pan left to reveal MOE, who just walked through the door. He is holding a dead seal in one hand and a club in the other.)
MOE: Y'know, it probably wasn't the best idea to bring these along.
EXT. TOWN HALL -- EVENING
(ROSEMARY and LISA are sitting on a bench just outside the building. A streetlight hangs right next to the bench.)
LISA: It's just that my whole life I've never really known anyone who really understood me. Even my family hasn't been that supportive over the years. You wouldn't know what it's like to have a dad who makes a Slip'n'Slide out of applesauce in the garage every summer.
ROSEMARY: Hm. Let me tell you a little about myself, Lisa. My family loved me, and all, when I was a kid. My parents knew since I was young that I could go really far in life, like be President of some third-world country. But even though they cared very much, they never could understand me on my level, understand why I was so frustrated at the world I was growing up in. The kids at school were unfailingly cruel to me. I didn't have any friends in the world. I even tried having some imaginary friends for a while, but strange as it may seem, they ignored me too.
LISA: Wow. What you just described is exactly like my upbringing. Except I never had any time for imaginary friends.
ROSEMARY: You've got a bright spirit, Lisa. If you want to really make a dent in the world during your lifetime, you should join our movement. These people will really make you feel needed. Now let's get inside, they're about to start giving speeches.
INT. TOWN HALL -- MAIN AUDITORIUM
(Many people are seated. HOMER has a cup labeled "Duff Soy" and there are three empty seats between him and the aisle. He has a big smile on his face. MARGE, LISA, and BART sit down in the empty seats.)
HOMER: Marge! Can you believe it? I'm actually sitting *right next to* environmental activist and "Barbarella" vixen Jane Fonda! (turning to JANE, who is out of frame) Welcome to Springfield, Jane!
(The camera pulls left to reveal it's actually AGNES Skinner in the seat next to him.)
AGNES: I keep telling you, I'm NOT Jane Fonda!
(The camera pulls left again to reveal SEYMOUR Skinner in the seat on the other side of her.)
SEYMOUR: Don't fret about that, Mother. You'll always be Joan Crawford to me.
(He puts his hand on top of hers as a sign of affection. AGNES pulls her hand out in disgust.)
(DISSOLVE: The people in the auditorium are rising to their feet and applauding. Time has obviously passed.)
(CUT TO: ROSEMARY at the podium on the stage. She is facing left, looking at someone out of frame.)
ROSEMARY: Thank you Jane. (turns to face the audience) To close out the night, I'd like to remind you, the public, In today's political climate, Washington DC lobbying isn't going to win our battles. Merely sitting on the pavement, thinking about the government can never take the place of effective grassroots activism by local conservation leaders who aren't afraid to break some crockery in order to get the goulash made. Thank you.
(The audience applauds again.)
INT. SIMPSONS CAR -- LATE AT NIGHT
(The Simpsons are driving home from the meeting. It's raining outside.)
LISA: You know, Jane Fonda lent a certain amount of glamour and even cachet to the issue, but what Rosemary said really moved me. I never realized how urgent it was to take action to stop the destruction of the earth.
MARGE: Well, I don't know about you, but some of what she said scared me. She just seems much more hostile than most of those ecological types I've known.
LISA: She's not really hostile. I talked to her. She just seems like the kind of person who'll go to any lengths to do what she knows is right.
HOMER: And I still can't believe the Simpsons actually got to meet Jane Fonda!
BART: (frustrated) Okay, dad, I think we've run it into the ground already.
(Camera pulls back to reveal that he's talking about the car, which is mired deeply in mud off to the side of the road. HOMER looks around, taking in the situation, but not fully comprehending it.)
LISA: Three...two....one....
HOMER: (realizing the problem) D'oh!
(As HOMER struggles to restart the car and get out of the mud, LISA turns to face MARGE.)
LISA: Mom, Rosemary told me about a sort of convocation Eco-First! is having tomorrow evening. There's not going to be a lot of people there, but she invited me to come. It's kind of a thing where we get together and talk about issues and campaigns, and we can get a little more acquainted. Can I go?
MARGE: Sure, honey, as long as you're home by nine.
(HOMER stops trying to start the car and slumps in his chair.)
HOMER: All right, we're stuck here 'til I can hail a tow truck. (popping the cigarette lighter out of its socket.) Anyone up for some smores?
(END ACT ONE)
(ACT TWO)
EXT. PUBLIC PARK IN SPRINGFIELD
(Near the statue of Jebediah Springfield, the Simpson car drives up and parks.)
INT. SIMPSON CAR
(HOMER is inside at the driver's wheel, and LISA is getting out.)
HOMER: And remember, don't take any candy from strangers. I wouldn't follow that advice, but it's what your mother would say if she were here.
LISA: Relax, dad. We're just going to get close to nature.
HOMER: Well, in that case, don't take any poison ivy from strangers.
(LISA leaves the car and shuts the door. Cut to same shot we opened on. HOMER drives off.)
EXT. CLEARING IN THE PARK
(ROSEMARY, PABLO, HEATHER, and ROBBIE (all seen in the meeting in Act 1) are sitting in a circle around a campfire that is just getting started. HEATHER is the woman from the Karma-Ceuticals store in AABF16. ROBBIE looks like he could be the cousin of the generic hippie who keeps popping up in various episodes; he has a old, stained T-shirt, straight, red hair tied up in a ponytail, and bugged-out eyes.)
(LISA walks into frame.)
ROSEMARY: Oh, hello, Lisa. Please, sit down.
(ROSEMARY pats a spot on the ground next to her for LISA to sit down on. LISA does so.)
ROSEMARY: We were just having a political discussion. Want to join in?
LISA: Sure.
ROBBIE: As I was just saying, Lisa, it's all too obvious that we will soon be visited in prime time by a landing from the so-called invisible beings.
LISA: Huh?
ROBBIE: You know, extraterrestrials. Pleiadans, Arturians, Andromedans, angels. I've been saying for a long time that we have friends outside our eyeballs and friends inside our eyeballs.
ROSEMARY: (whispering in Lisa's ear) I wouldn't pay much attention to Robbie. He was a chemistry professor at Berkeley -- before he fried his brains on acid. But he makes really terrific brownies.
(DISSOLVE: Same scene, but a couple of hours have passed. It is night now, and the fire burns brightly.)
LISA: Really? I'd never thought if it that way.
HEATHER: Oh, absolutely. Think about it. When Fiver foresaw the destruction of Sandleford, and no one would believe him, that was Bakunin forseeing the encroaching collapse of the democratic state under its own failure to give credence to radical political theory. Then they came to Efrafa, which was the Socialist state, where government had an even tighter stranglehold on people's lives and everyone had even fewer freedoms than in the democracy. They didn't reach an ideal government until they found Watership Down, where everyone did the work they were due and all were content.
LISA: Huh. I never really looked at the book that way. I always thought it was pro-democracy.
HEATHER: Well, now you know the truth. It's a pro-anarchist tract, just like Godzilla is anti-nuclear.
LISA: Funny you should mention nuclear energy. My dad works at the power plant.
(ROSEMARY looks smug and nods her head.)
HEATHER: On a permanent basis?
LISA: Well...only when he's not employed as a grease collector...or a mayoral bodyguard...or a sugar salesman. In fact, he seems to quit work every other week. It's a wonder Mr. Burns keeps giving him his job back.
ROSEMARY: Huh. I find it hard to imagine that such an evil man as Monty Burns could have even one redeeming quality. That power plant of his is the bane of my existence; the Bailiwick to my Napoleon.....or is it the Waterloo to my Napoleon? I don't know, I never really studied history. Well, whatever.
(DISSOLVE: Later that night, more time has passed. The fire has diminished somewhat. Through the bushes, we see Homer drive up in his car.)
HOMER: (honking car horn) Hurry up, Lisa, I'm missing my Iranian soap operas!
LISA: I've had a great time tonight. I wish I could stay longer.
(FADE OUT)
INT. SIMPSON DINING ROOM
(HOMER, LISA, BART, and MAGGIE are all seated. MARGE walks in from the kitchen, carrying the main course in a dish.)
HOMER: Marge, what's for dinner?
MARGE: Tuna casserole.
HOMER: Oh, why do we have to have that tonight?
MARGE: What's not to like about fish?
HOMER: Well, fish taste so .... fishy. (brief pause) Hence the name.
MARGE: Lisa, I know lately you've been more concerned about the environment than usual, so today I bought that tuna that says it's dolphin-safe. (picks up the empty tuna can off the table and reads it.) At least as long as they don't eat it. Hrmmmm...
LISA: Well, I have different views on this sort of thing. I don't think I could even make a distinction between eating a tuna and eating a family member.
HOMER: Well, Grampa probably tastes like tuna. I'm not even sure I'd be able to tell the difference.
(He looks at the tuna on his fork.)
HOMER: Marge, we're not really eating Dad now, are we?
LISA: I was just talking to Rosemary on the phone. She's such a good person to have as a friend. I've never met anyone who understands me as well as she does. In fact, I think I like the whole bunch of them. Although Robbie was a little strange. He told me about how he was once trapped inside a Klein bottle at the end of the universe.
BART: So you'll be hanging out with those nature freaks now or something?
LISA: (enthusiastic) You bet. Tomorrow we're going to the docks to get this octopus trawler to stop fishing. Congress still refuses to ratify the anti-octopussing treaty that was introduced last summer in Tierra Del Fuego, so all the other countries do their octopussing over here, where it's legal.
HOMER: But Lisa, if you stop them from octopussing, what are you going to tell all the poor, starving people in Switzerland, or wherever, who have nothing to eat but stale bread, water, and octopussies?
MARGE: Homer, there aren't any such people. Stop inventing demographics.
HOMER: Don't deny all the injustices of the world, Marge. We often forget how good we have it...
(MARGE grumbles)
EXT. SPRINGFIELD DOCKS -- DAYTIME
(CPT. MCALLISTER and ABE SIMPSON are standing outside a large fishing boat. ABE is wearing an old, 1940's-style sailor suit.)
CAPTAIN: Arr, I be glad ye decided to come, Abe. We could use an old Navy dog like you, aboard our octopus trawler. Those folks from Kobe are gonna cut off my kneecaps if I don't meet my quota.
ABE: Actually, they kicked me out of the Navy after just five days. I thought that the "N" on the compass pointed to "Nantucket." You ever make that same mistake?
CAPTAIN: Arr, many a time.
(LISA enters the frame, holding a small pad of paper and a pencil. ABE and the CAPTAIN turn to face her.)
LISA: Hi, Grampa! I'm surprised to see you out of the retirement home. (To CAPT. MCALLISTER) I'm doing a report for my school newspaper, and I'd like to know if you have any fishing stories of dubious credibility to tell. The longer the better.
(Cut to shot that faces ABE and the CAPTAIN. LISA is out of frame and the heads of the two men are at the bottom of the frame. We can see that behind them, the activists who we saw at the campfire are attaching some chains to the CAPTAIN's fishing trawler and a nearby telephone pole.)
CAPT. MCALLISTER: Arr, I think I'll let Abe handle this one. He's twice the yarnspinner I be.
ABE: Fish story, eh? Oh sure, I got a few of those. (LISA begins taking notes) There was the time I caught a fifteen-pound rainbow trout down by the river. I looked deep into her soft, pouting eyes and said, "I'll name you Sarah." I had wanted to name her "Eunice," but the letter "E" was rationed on account of the war. Every week they'd send you this book, and you had to choose your letters from it. This got me into trouble the week I had to say "beetle-juice" three times, cause "beetle-juice" was only in the book once...
(Cut to shot of LISA's pad. We see that she's not really taking notes, but drawing a picture of a horse. Then cut back to ABE and the CAPTAIN.)
CAPTAIN MCALLISTER: Arr, Abe, we really need to be getting back to the trawler now.
ABE: OK. Lisa, anytime you need me to go off on my senile ramblings for a school project, just give me a... (He and the CAPTAIN turn around.) Hey!
(A huge mass of heavy chains connects the octopus trawler to a telephone pole about twenty feet from the shore. HEATHER, PABLO, and ROBBIE are holding signs reading "Fishing is Murder," "Save Our Eight-Legged Friends," and "Octopuses Yes, Octopi No (It's Just Not Correct Syntax)"
ROSEMARY: (to the CAPTAIN and ABE) Oh, no. You octopus-killers aren't going out on another reign of terror today. You'll have to tear our volunteer into two pieces before you leave port.
(Reveal HANS MOLEMAN, wearing an "Earth Summit '92" T-shirt, halfway in between the trawler and the telephone pole. His right arm and leg are shackled to the trawler, and his left arm and leg are shackled to a nearby telephone pole. The chains are very taut, so he is suspended several feet above the ground, as if he is being drawn and quartered.)
HANS: I don't remember volunteering for this.
(BACKGROUND MUSIC: "Octopus' Garden" by the Beatles. Shot of ROBBIE standing on the edge of the trawler's deck, next to a giant net with many live octopuses lying in it. He takes an octopus out of the net, then chucks it into the ocean. He does this over and over.)
ROBBIE: Go! Swim! You're free! Free as an octopus!
(HEATHER joins him in freeing the octopuses. After a few seconds she stops and examines one of the animals.)
HEATHER: Um, Robbie, these octopuses are all dead. That's the reason they're bobbing up and down instead of rejoining their families.
(After another brief pause, she picks up the bucket and dumps all the dead octopuses into the water.)
HEATHER: (shouting to Abe and Grampa) That's so you don't make any profit off your immoral works!
(end background music)
EXT. SPRINGFIELD DOCKS -- LATER THAT DAY
(It is now late afternoon and the sun is starting to set. ROSEMARY and LISA are starting to walk back to LISA's house.)
ROSEMARY: That was good work you did, Lisa, distracting that sea captain while we chained up his ship.
LISA: Thanks.
ROSEMARY: Lisa, there's a reason I asked to escort you home.
LISA: I thought that there might be.
(They continue to walk in silence for a couple of seconds.)
ROSEMARY: ...And I'd like to tell you what the reason is.
LISA: Ah.
(They continue to walk in silence for a couple of seconds.)
ROSEMARY: ...So with your permission, I'm going to tell you my reason.
(LISA stops walking. ROSEMARY too stops walking.)
LISA: You seem to be trying to avoid telling me what it is you want to say.
ROSEMARY: Yes...yes, I guess I am. I won't beat around the bush. You told me at the campfire meeting that your father worked in the nuclear power plant.
LISA: And you told me that your dream was to have the power plant shut down.
ROSEMARY: Well, it's actually Mr. Burns I hate, more so than his plant. He's responsible for more crimes against the Earth than Disney and Al Gore combined. He once had an entire species of aardvark killed off.
LISA: Why?
ROSEMARY: He said he was not happy with the way it was spelled.
LISA: That's awful! But you're still not telling me what you want me to do.
ROSEMARY: Lisa, I'm sure your dad can get access to the blueprints of the nuclear power plant. Burns doesn't want them made public. He thinks it would be disastrous for him if they fell into the wrong hands.... The wrong hands being anyone who works for the state health department. If you could get them for us, we would be very grateful.
LISA: (suspicious) Why do you need the blueprints, and why should I get them for you if they're supposed to be a secret?
ROSEMARY: Well, we..... (sigh) I'm not going to lie to you, Lisa. The other activists and I have been planning to break into the power plant and put an end to Burns' reign of terror. Specifically....
(ROSEMARY thinks for a second.)
ROSEMARY: Specifically, we're going to free the animals at the chemical-testing lab in the power plant basement. Burns has potentially dangerous food additives and fabric softeners tested on them, in some very cruel ways. We just want to put a stop to that. So will you get us the blueprints? Please? If you can't, then the animals will just have to suffer.
LISA: I can't believe you're using me like this! I thought you cared about me!
ROSEMARY: I do care about you! Really, I do! This is an opportunity for you to really make a difference with your life. But if you really don't feel like you want to help, just let me know, and it'll be fine with me. I can't guarantee that that Pablo, Heather, and Robbie will forgive you, though.
(LISA and ROSEMARY have been walking for some time now. They now find themselves at the Simpson house.)
(LISA walks up the path to the front door, opens the door, end enters. After closing the door, she walks over to the foot of the stairs, sits with her head slumped in her arms, and thinks.)
[END ACT TWO]
(ACT THREE)
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN
(As she tends to several boiling pots, MARGE uses her shoulder to hold the telephone close to her ear. Jars of baby food are on the counter. MAGGIE, in her high chair and without a pacifier, holds out a spoon in MARGE's direction. The general mood of the room is that of noise and confusion.)
MARGE: (into phone) ...Sorry, Mrs. Lovejoy, but that kind of stain never comes out...
(MAGGIE, holding the spoon in her mouth, gets out of her chair and starts to climb up the side of MARGE's dress. LISA comes into frame.)
LISA: Mom, I'd like your advice on something.
(By now, MAGGIE has reached MARGE's head and is climbing up her hair. MAGGIE's weight bends MARGE's hair to the floor. MAGGIE is now hanging from the blue hair, one foot above the ground.)
MARGE: I'm a little busy right now. (into phone) No don't use vinegar, that'll only make it worse...
(A pot begins to boil over. MARGE rushes to the stove to turn off the burner.)
LISA: Well, this is kind of important. Rosemary wants me to do her a favor that I'm not sure is right, but she claims it's for a good cause. But I thought she might have been lying so she could use me to do something I wouldn't approve of. What should I do?
(LISA remove MAGGIE from MARGE's hair and puts her in the high chair.)
MARGE: (looking at LISA for the first time) It'll be okay. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
LISA: (after a pause) Mom, that's just a cliché. It doesn't help me make a decision. I need your mature judgment.
MARGE: Look, I have to sort a few things out now. Can you ask your father about it?
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM
(HOMER is sitting on the couch, watching the Infinitron. LISA walks in from the kitchen.)
LISA: Dad, can I ask you a question?
HOMER: Sure, honey. You just did.
LISA: Oh. Well, in that case, I'll ask you another. Do you, by any chance, have the blueprints to the power plant? I know they're supposed to be classified and all....I just want to ... borrow them. For a school project....
(Without looking at LISA, HOMER reaches into his pocket and pulls out a huge mass of folded papers. He hands them to her.)
HOMER: Knock yourself out.
LISA: (caught off her guard) Dad... um... are you sure you can trust me with these? Because, I, uh, might give them to someone else, or something.
HOMER: (giving her his full attention for the first time) Lisa, you know I'm not normally the type of guy who'll make spur-of-the-moment decisions without considering the consequences. If my boss found out I was letting someone else see these, I'd lose my job. I wouldn't put something as important in just anyone's hands. And if I can't trust my own daughter, who I know and love, well, who can I trust?
LISA: Um... Nobody, I guess.
HOMER: That's a good girl. (He pats her on the head) Now fetch me a spoon and a tub of sour cream. I wanna try something I saw on TV.
EST. SHOT: SPRINGFIELD ECO-FIRST! HEADQUARTERS - DAYTIME
(A small office on a street corner in downtown Springfield, with a bust of a pig's head above the door. JIMBO JONES is spray-painting "IS THIS THE SOURCE? 5 BILLION DIE IN 2000?" onto the side of the building.)
INT. SPRINGFIELD ECO-FIRST! HEADQUARTERS
(A cramped, one-room office, not very well-lit. On the walls are posters of animals, newspaper clippings, and bumper stickers with slogans such as "HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR TREE TODAY?" and "COCKROACHES HAVE SOULS, TOO." ROSEMARY, PABLO, HEATHER, ROBBIE, and LISA are standing around a table, upon which the blueprints to the power plant are laid. ROSEMARY is tracing on the documents with a pencil, and everyone is leaning in to have a look.)
ROSEMARY: Security is tight at all the main entrances. Now, unfortunately for us, the plant as designed does not comply with state safety codes. Thus, there are no convenient fire exits we can just waltz right through. But whoever designed this building left a back door into the women's restroom for some reason, and that should make a nice ingress.
PABLO: After we're done, could we stop at Lorne's Greens for lunch? I'm already dying for a watercress salad.
ROSEMARY: Oh, fine. (stands straight up) By the way, Lisa, I'm pleased you decided to oblige us.
HEATHER: (to LISA) This project has been Rosemary's baby for three years now. Your help really means a lot to her.
LISA: (a little guilty) Yeah...thanks.
INT. ROSEMARY'S VAN -- DAY
(Inside the van, an electric model built for utility rather than luxury, LISA and ROBBIE sit in the back seat, PABLO and HEATHER sit in the middle seat, and ROSEMARY is driving. Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name Of" blares from the car's speakers, and Rosemaary, Heather, and Pablo are merrily singing along as if this is a road-trip favorite. LISA and ROBBIE are in the back seat. ROBBIE has a black briefcase standing upright next to his feet.)
LISA: Say, Robbie, what's in that briefcase you brought with us?
ROBBIE: Do I have to answer that question?
LISA: I'm not forcing you...but I'd really like to know.
ROBBIE: You'll find out when the time comes. Let's just say it's something that's guaranteed to "bring down the house."
(ROBBIE laughs maniacally for a while. LISA looks at him, a bit frightened.)
ROBBIE: (to self) Oh, I really gotta stop revealing my intentions like that.
EST. SHOT --- NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
EXT. POWER PLANT BACKLOT
(A backlot of the nuclear power plant. A flimsy screen door coming off its hinges leads into the building. The activists' car pulls up to the door.)
(CUT TO: Car trunk opening. The shot looks as if the camera is inside of the car trunk, pointing up. We see the faces of ROSEMARY and PABLO hovering above the trunk. The two of them lift a heavy tool box out of the car and onto the ground.)
(CUT TO: ROSEMARY, HEATHER, and PABLO just outside the car trunk, as seen from the side of the car.)
ROSEMARY: Hey, Robbie, could you help us drag this thing in?
(CUT TO: The interior of the car. LISA and ROBBIE are still in the back seat. ROBBIE gets out of the car and walks to the rear and out of frame.
LISA looks back at ROBBIE to make sure he's gone, then hoists the briefcase up off the floor and onto the car seat. She opens the briefcase. We see a shot of LISA's face. She gasps. Reveal that inside the briefcase is a large box with many wires attached to it. Written on the box is "TERRORIST'S CHOICE INCENDIARY DEVICE -- Preferred by 9 out of 10 mad bombers". We hear footsteps. LISA quickly closes the briefcase and acts as if she's seen nothing. ROSEMARY appears.)
ROSEMARY: Well, Lisa, are you coming or not?
LISA: Um...could you just excuse me for a minute? I need to, uh, use the bathroom.
ROSEMARY: Well, we're entering through the women's room.
LISA: (stirring to get out of her seat) Yes, well....I like the one that has the hot-air hand-dryer.
ROSEMARY: All right, but when you get back, stay in the van; don't come in with us. We wouldn't you exposed to any kind of… danger… should any arise.
(LISA gets out of the car and hurries away.)
INT. BURNS' OFFICE
(MR. BURNS is standing in front of a soda vending machine in his office. It is flanked by a candy machine with a smiley face on it and a Pac-Man arcade game.)
BURNS: "Mountain Dew"? "Jolt"? "Surge"?? Who stocked this machine with all these youth-oriented beverages? I'm an old man, not a Generation-X sex machine! Smithers, get this thing to dispense a sarsaparilla.
(SMITHERS, holding a note in his hands, walks over to where BURNS is standing.)
SMITHERS: If we could put that aside for a second, sir, I've just received word from a little girl that an environmental activist group has infiltrated the plant with intentions of blowing it up.
BURNS: Damn it all to hell! Those limp-noodled tree-huggers are always trying to huff and puff and blow the plant down. And if it weren't for the lengthy appeals process, they'd have done it already. Well, we're standing our ground. The day I give in to those leaf-pushers is the day I give up my radium water.
(BURNS pulls a flask of faintly glowing water out from his jacket and swigs the liquid inside. He looks energized.)
SMITHERS: Right, sir. I'll call the police. They'll put an end to this, um, addleheaded ... uh ... fist-clenching.
BURNS: (giving SMITHERS a cold stare) Only I'm allowed to talk like that.
INT. SPRINGFIELD POLICE STATION -- WIGGUM'S DESK
(Several empty doughnut boxes are on the desk. CHIEF WIGGUM is on the phone.)
CHIEF WIGGUM: Another bomb threat down at the power plant, eh? That makes three this month. What's the address? (writing it down) 32 Jaundice Avenue. It's the really big building with the cooling towers and the glowing dumpster, right? OK. Be there in ten minutes.
(He hangs up. LOU appears.)
WIGGUM: All right, Lou. We've got an old-fashioned eco-terrorist attack. We'd better call in the SWAT team for this one.
(He walks to a closet labeled "SWAT team supplies / Halloween costume storage" and opens it. He reaches into it and pulls out a helmet labeled SWAT.)
LOU: I'll bring out the tear gas and the stun guns.
WIGGUM: Oh boy, this is always the most fun part of the job. It's stuff like this that reminds me why I got into the force in the first place.
EDDIE: You went into the force because it was the only way you could legally keep your gun after your fraternity reenacted the final scene from "The Wild Bunch."
WIGGUM: On second thought, maybe I don't wanna be reminded.
INT. HOMER'S WORKSTATION
(HOMER is running around the workstation frantically, chasing after a hamster that seems to be sliding along the ground more than running, and that leaves a greasy trail. LENNY, CARL, and CHARLIE are pumping their fists.)
LENNY + CHARLIE + CARL: (cheering) Go! Go! Go! Go!
(HOMER finally catches hold of the rodent, but it repeatedly slips out of his grasp. He winds up trapping it between his hands.
LENNY: (writing on a clipboard) All right! Five more points for Homer!
(Pan right to show CARL spreading butter all over another hamster with a knife.)
CARL: Get ready for number two!
(Another WORKER walks into the workstation.)
WORKER: Hey guys, the SWAT team just showed up. They're telling everyone to evacuate the building.
HOMER: Aw, crap. Those guys show up every time we start to have fun. Just like last year at the Oktoberfest. Oh, well.
(They leave the workstation dejectedly.)
EXT. NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
(LISA is outside the power plant, wringing her hands. Quite a few power plant workers wait outside as well)
LISA: Oh, why did I ever trust Rosemary, I've made such a big mistake...
CHIEF WIGGUM (speaking through a bullhorn near the main entrance of the power plant): All right, folks, we've apprehended the terrorists.
(A loud cheer goes up from the crowd in the parking lot.)
LOU and EDDIE lead ROSEMARY, HEATHER, and PABLO, each in handcuffs, out the door and before WIGGUM. LISA, angry at the other activists, rushes up to them.)
ROSEMARY: I'm telling you Chief, I don't know anything about a bomb. All we did was free the animals in the chemical testing facility.
(EDDIE walks out of the plant, with a handcuffed ROBBIE, who is raving like a maniac. We can hear brief bits of coherent speech from him including "Apollo and Satan are conspiring against me.")
EDDIE: Hey, Chief, we found the one with the explosives. (He holds up Robbie's briefcase.)
PABLO: This man is not with us! Well, actually, he is with us. But we didn't know he had a bomb!
WIGGUM: Mmm, OK, so the bomb thing was just the idea of this one deranged nut. But I'm still arresting the rest of you for breaking and entering.
ROSEMARY: And what evidence do you have for that?
WIGGUM: Will these stolen blueprints that we found in your van do? (he holds up said documents.) All right, Greenpeace, you'd better speak up and say where you got these. 'Cause whoever stole these is going to jail for a very long time.
(CUT TO: LISA, who is cracking her knuckles rather loudly.)
(PREVIOUS SHOT)
ROSEMARY: I stole them.
WIGGUM: Well, that was pretty painless. I was kinda hoping for a heated interrogation. Anyway, I'm taking you all downtown.
LOU: Chief, the police station is uptown.
WIGGUM: Quiet. I like my ass-whooping policeman clichés.
(EDDIE leads the activists into the police van. WIGGUM, LOU, and EDDIE all head for the police cars.)
(LISA walks up to the van. ROSEMARY is standing in the back, looking out at LISA through the grate.)
LISA: Rosemary, I--I'm just really sorry about what I've done to you. I feel like I've destroyed your life.
ROSEMARY: Destroyed my life? Forget about me; you've just destroyed your own life! I offered you an opportunity to take action for what you believed in, a chance to stand up and be productive instead of just complaining to all those deaf people! If Operation Sandleford had gone off without a hitch, there would've been no stopping the movement. The whole world would have heard you! But that's not want you wanted. You want to be just like your mother.
LISA: My mom's nice...
ROSEMARY: She's nice, all right, but has she's ever done that left a lasting impression of her beliefs on history? No! She settled down with a husband and became a domestic slave. I know that sounds rough, but you know it's true. Do you want to go down that path and have that worthless life, knowing you had a very real chance to change things for the better?
LISA: (near tears) I didn't want all this, I didn't want to lead a revolution to change the whole world! I just wanted to do all that I could to save the... (realizes the irony of the phrase, calms down) ... save the Earth.
ROSEMARY: You see the double standard, then, don't you? You say that you want to do something, but then when you get the chance, you say "That's too much!"
LISA: Maybe if a cause isn't worth dying for it's not worth believing in. Maybe I've been wrong my whole life and I should start leaning how to iron a shirt and cook a soufflé right now.
(The engine of the prison van is heard starting.)
ROSEMARY: Please don't say that! I want you to change, and you know you do too. Promise you'll write to me in care of the county jail.
LISA: I will.
ROSEMARY: (in a lower voice) And, uh... See if you can sneak a metal file in through the mail. For me.
(The police van departs. LISA stares at it as it leaves the parking lot.)
(HOMER comes up from behind LISA. He puts his hand around her shoulder.)
HOMER: Come on, Lisa. We've had enough excitement for one day. Let's go home.
LISA: But you still have three more hours to work.
HOMER: (leaning down to whisper in her ear) I know. Don't tell Burnsie.
EST. SHOT -- SIMPSON HOUSE -- EVENING
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM
(The entire family is on the couch, watching TV. They all have TV trays set up in front of them for dinner. Lisa, seemingly depressed, is twirling a forkful of spaghetti, deep in thought.)
TV ANNOUNCER: You're watching "Sex Scandal in the Knesset: The Zehudi Amir Story" on the We Don't Have An Ounce Of Shame Channel. Next up, we exaggerate the tragic life of Jayne Mansfield on "T&A Biography."
HOMER: You know, I'm really going to miss this TV. Too bad we have to give it back tomorrow. There's gonna be this big fat empty space left in my big fat heart.
TV ANNOUNCER: And on Sunday, don't forget to tune in to our 24-hour CHiPS marathon.
(HOMER falls on his knees, sobs, and raises his hands upward.)
HOMER: Ohhhhh, why? Why, O Lord? What was your purpose in taking her away so soon?
(Cut to a close-up of mother and daughter: MARGE attempts to console LISA.)
MARGE: Oh, sweetie, you can't let this hurt you like that. There's a positive lesson to be learned from this. You're going to meet lots of people down the road who'll take advantage of your willingness to trust them -- that's just a given in life. But since you're such a decent and compassionate person, there'll always be someone who cares about you so much that they'd be willing to take your fall. And that's a given too.
LISA: You don't understand. I've become disenchanted with environmental conservation. My idealism is shattered. I'll be a cynic for life, I just know it.
(MARGE gets up)
MARGE: I'm going to finish the laundry in a few minutes. Would you like me to recycle your soda can?
LISA: (apathetic) Sure, I guess. I don't really care that much anymore.
(Cut back to reveal that HOMER has his arms wrapped round the giant TV screen as best he can, sobbing loudly. Bart leans over.)
BART: Dad, you're blocking the TV.
HOMER: (emotive) It was all over so quickly.... It had all come and gone....
(MARGE sighs.)
[END ACT THREE]
Intended Voice Cast
Dan Castellanetta...............Homer, Hans Moleman, Abe, Robbie
Julie Kavner....................Marge
Yeardley Smith..................Lisa
Harry Shearer...................Skinner, TV announcer, man in commercial, Mr. Burns, person in audience #1, number guy, Dr. Hibbert, Eddie, power plant worker, Smithers
Hank Azaria.....................Prof. Frink, Capt. McAllister, Pablo, Chief Wiggum, comedian, person in audience #3, Comic Book Guy, Moe, Lou
Supporting Cast
Maggie Roswell..................Woman in commercial
Tress MacNeille.................Agnes Skinner, person in audience #2, Heather (Karmaceuticals owner)
Pamela Hayden...................Milhouse
Marcia Wallace..................Mrs. Krabappel
Special Guest Voice
Juliette Lewis..................Rosemary Birch
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