My nails, although short, dug into my palms as her hands, her hands that were trembling slightly, moved my arms around her waist. Trembling, something her hands should never do when I'm with her, I should make her calm and relaxed but here she was a red print on her face, a red print that I'd caused.
As she soothed and said it was okay, her hands running up and down my back, with each step of her hand a step closer to my calmness. My fists unclenched and the material of her top became trapped in-between my fingers, an aid to keep them still. She rocked me ever so slightly, reversed roles.
Her lips met my cheek again, but it was different this time. It was a kiss full of care and comfort and worry, a complete contrast to the earlier constant happy, excited kisses and the view of our rings wrapped around our fingers.
A long length of breath left my mouth before I found the strength to move Carla slightly away from me, her mouth morphed into a weak smile as our eyes met. A smile even though my actions had marked her. "Let me look," I said my voice barley audible and my finger lifting her chin gently so I could see her cheek. Small, the gash was ever so small and I blinked furiously to banish the tears threatening to spill.
"It's okay," She told me again but I was still to believe her, nothing was okay and I promised her, I promised nothing would go wrong but now, now everything was spiralling so far out of control.
"Can we, can we talk?" I asked and I suppose I wasn't really asking. It was a need not a want. We moved to the sofa, her hand laced with mine as we walked. My body remained tense, the usual feeling of relaxation and comfort of sitting in the evenings failed to consume me.
"I...well my brain injury, my symptoms. They're coming back, they're prominent again," Carla goes to speak but I don't let her. "I didn't tell you because I was waiting, just till I'd seen the consultant. Just till I knew."
Carla's body was tense and she sat forward from her previous slumped position, her eyes fixated upon me and she nodded. "It makes sense," she said and I sighed. "Nick, I'm here for you."
"I was scared you'd leave, I'm scared of hurting you. I hurt you tonight," as I spoke she laced our fingers together and as her thumb ran up and down my knuckles I felt safe.
"Did you see the consultant?"
"Today, he um said I need a scan on Wednesday then we can see," I told her and now our bodies were close confidence rose within me, a confidence that enabled me to tell her.
"I'll come with you," she offered and I shook my head because this wasn't her problem, she didn't need to deal with it. "Nick, this is part of you and I love you and I will support you. This doesn't change us." Her words were full of emotions and it was hard to pick out all of them but she was definitely genuine in her words. I believed her.
"It could get worse, no guarantees, no certainty - Carla I need certainty." I needed the certainty because I believed it was the reason we were still us, Carla needed certainty and stability and she said she didn't but she did.
"We'll be okay, we can get through it together - it won't be easy but I really love you, Nick Tilsley."
"Would you rather this or cold feet?"
"This," As our lips met and her thumb stroked my cheek it was okay, it was okay.