This is the first kiss that we're both fully aware of. Neither of us hobbled by sickness or pain or simply unconscious. Our lips neither burning with fever or icy cold. This is the first kiss where I actually feel stirring inside my chest, warm and curious. This is the first kiss that makes me want another.
So I kiss him again, because what is there to lose? He feels the change too, because as I smack our lips together, Peeta's tongue darts out and swipes across the line of my lips, begging for entrance. I let him. This is the first time I can feel the clenching in my stomach that everybody talks about, the need to touch more of him, a kind of hunger that has nothing to do with how long ago we had our last proper meal. My hands begin to wander from the back of his neck, down his arms, across his back. He has lost a ton of weight since we're in this arena, we all have, but apart from that you can still tell he's muscular. Much like Gale, actually. It's surprising to find how alike they are in built really. Because Gale's big and dark and cynical, and Peeta's blond, all blue eyes and innocence, but they are both built the same way essentially, wide shoulders and lean muscles.
Thinking about Gale, I feel a stab of guilt builds in my chest, but I push it away. He's not my boyfriend, never was, and I didn't promise him anything. I'm pretty sure he had done this himself. He surely had plenty of opportunity to, with the girls falling over themselves to get him the way they do.
Peeta's hands come up my side and brush over my breast, still many layers of clothing between us. He looks at me expectantly and his eyes ask all the questions wordlessly: Is this okay? Should we stop? We can still stop, you know.
But I don't want to stop. I don't know how much of this they're going to show on screen, I doubt there's a policy for that. I don't think this has ever happened before. Usually, players are far too keen on killing each other to think about romance. They might not show everything, after all, children are required to watch too. But then again, they don't have much problem with broadcasting the killings either, and if I have learned something it's that the only thing that sells just as good as brutality is sex. I hope they filter it though, I hope it for Gale's and Prim's and my mother's sake, for everyone's back in District 12, for all the people I know, and a little bit for us, too. But who would judge me? I'm 16 and I might die any minute. Shouldn't I try to squeeze in as much living before that as I can?
"I don't want to die", I tell Peeta. What I really want to say is I don't want to die yet, I don't want to die without trying everything I can, I don't want to die a virgin. But I don't want to say those words aloud and I think he understands anyway, so I just repeat, "I don't want to die!"
"We won't die, Katniss. We won't", he reassures me.
We spread out the sleeping bag on the ground and lay down on top of it. It goes pretty fast after that, removing our clothes. It crosses my mind briefly that I should be trembling with cold, but our bodies seem to radiate heat. First my jacket and my shirt come off, then his, and in just a few minutes we're both left with nothing on apart from underwear. That's the hardest part, for me at least. Suddenly I feel self-conscious, I don't know what to do, I fear I will do something wrong. I have never done anything like this before, I never had the time, it didn't seem important. And I'm still not sure about Peeta, about his feelings, if I can trust him. But as he moves over, he presses against me, and I can feel him being hard through the cotton material of his boxers. All for me, I realize little taken aback, and you can't fake that. So that's all the reassurance I need. I tune out my brain, as it would only confuse me, and let my body take over. I remove the last piece of clothing and he does the same for me, then lays me down on my back.
Peeta tentatively moves one finger up and down my slit, pleased to find it damp already. He slowly sticks his finger inside of me and begins to move it, and smiles as a moan escapes my lips at the sensation. Then he adds another one. Soon he has three fingers inside, moving them up and down and in and out at the same time, while his thumb is playing with my clit. Now I don't know if he's had practice or if he's just really talented at this naturally, apparently, frosting all those cakes helps improve your manual skills; but pretty sure within minutes I'm reduced to a panting, moaning mess. It seems I have lost all control over my body, it's as if my instincts have taken over entirely and all I can do is move with him as he works his magic with his fingers. He's doing everything just right, he hits two spots at the same time and I cry out his name as a wave of joy I have never before experienced washes over my body, making all my muscles tighten at the same time so that my back arches off of the ground.
He waits until my breathing has slowed down and I have relaxed somewhat, then gently removes his fingers while bowing down to kiss me. It's a sweet kiss initially, but turns into a hard, passionate one, and I find myself taking over control, flipping him so that I'm on top. I position myself over him, take his penis in my hand and slowly lower myself onto it. It hurts alright, but I have felt worse, and I'm still in the aftermath of my first ever orgasm, so I urge myself to go on, as I know the pain will eventually subside. I can feel Peeta's muscles tighten and I know he's trying really hard, restraining himself from moving up already, but he waits for me to do it at my own pace, and doesn't move at all until he's buried all the way in me and I give him a nod. Even then, he moves agonizingly slow at first, making sure I'm comfortable. I begin to meet his thrusts with my own, riding down against him hard. He takes his clue and flips me over so he can pump into me faster and deeper. We fall into a rhythm easily, cursing and moaning and whimpering, not holding back, not even caring about if anyone can hear us, but the thunder will probably tune out our voices anyway. I'm on the edge again, and I would just need this much more when he moves into me with three desperate, harsh strokes, deeper and with more force than I thought was possible, and it feels perfect. He cries out my name and I can feel his come filling me up, and I feel the pleasure building up in me too. It starts with my inner muscles clenching around him, then it spreads all over my body and I see white in front of my eyes and I'm shaking and screaming.
Peeta's muscles finally give up and he collapses next to me as we both slowly come down our highs.
"Seems like the odds were finally in my favour tonight", he says to me, grinning ear to ear, and we both burst out laughing and can't seem to stop. I feel happy, simple and unadulterated contentment that I haven't felt in such a long time I couldn't even remember what it feels like. We might die tomorrow. I don't care. Right in this moment, the world is a perfect place.