I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside
Those thoughts I can't deny
These sleeping thoughts won't lie
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life back
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Who has to know?
Who has to know?

-- Dirty Little Secret, The All-American Rejects

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Abbey couldn't help but be captivated by CJ as she sat across from her at the table. She watched her laugh, tell jokes, blush with embarrassment, and all it did was increase her infatuation with the woman. She's your best friend. A little voice ventured through the back of her mind. Abbey knew it was true. But it wasn't like such things hadn't happened before.

12-year-old Abbey danced out of reach. "You can't catch me!" she giggled, racing away in the opposite direction from whoever was "it".

"Abbey!" her best friend Linda grabbed her hand. "Come on!" The two of them ran towards the beach, laughing as they left the game of tag behind. There were plenty of others to continue to play.

She brought her attention back to the situation at hand, laughing at whatever joke had just been told. Jed turned to her and murmured something. She just nodded and smiled, her eyes on CJ. Jed got up and moved away. She presumed to the Oval Office. CJ stood and made her way around the table to take his seat. "Are you alright Abbey?" she questioned, concern in her voice. "You seem a little out of it."

"I'm just tired" Abbey brushed it off. "You're the life of the party, now aren't you!" she grinned at the younger woman.

"I've been trying to get a rise out of you all evening, Abbey. You're evidently paying no attention whatsoever." CJ informed her sternly.

"I know." Abbey sighed. CJ's eyes searched her.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm just…distracted."

"Okay." CJ stayed sitting beside her, placing her hand on Abbey's under the table for comfort. Abbey's mind drifted off again.

They were 16, getting ready for the first dance of the year. Abbey watched Linda as she applied eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick, self-consciously looking at her own bare face occasionally. "Want some?" Linda questioned, offering the make-up. Abbey shook her head.

"I'm not allowed."

"Don't be silly. We'll wash it off before we get picked up." Linda pulled Abbey so she was facing her and started in on her face. "You're wearing a beautiful dress, Ab. Put a little make-up on you and all the guys will be after you! Everyone says you're the prettiest girl in our year."

"I'm not as pretty as you." Abbey replied honestly. She loved Linda's long blond hair and blue eyes. Linda smiled and kissed her gently on the cheek. Abbey blushed.

"You're a sweetheart." Linda informed her.

"Still with me, Abbey?" CJ asked. She was standing behind her chair, and everyone else was filing off to mingle in the centre of the room. Abbey jumped.

"Sorry" she stood up. "I don't know where my mind is this evening." CJ looked her up and down.

"Abigail?"

"Yes, Claudia Jean?"

"Let's get drunk." CJ led the way to a table with a variety of bottles of wine on it, pouring a glass for herself and one for the First Lady. "Cheers" She saluted, and started sipping hers at a phenomenal rate. Abbey grinned and followed suit.

"Abbey!" Linda called to her from across the yard. "I have a present for you!" She presented her friend with a bottle of wine and a kiss on the cheek. "Happy eighteenth, sweetheart!"

"Thank you!" Abbey grinned. "Now let's drink it!" They sat in the garden, taking turns sipping out of the bottle until they were both quite tipsy.

"You're beautiful, Ab." Linda leaned her head on Abbey's shoulder. Abbey giggled.

"You're the one going out with the most gorgeous guy in all of Saints!"

"The only reason you aren't is that you won't DATE anybody!"

"My dad would kill me." Abbey pointed out. "I'll just wait till university."

"Your dad doesn't have to know." Linda nudged her.

"I don't like lying." Abbey replied honestly.

"I know you don't." Linda tucked a strand of Abbey's hair behind her eyes, then undid her work by jumping on her and pulling her down on the grass, giggling "Being drunk is fun." She announced.

"Want more?" Abbey sat back up and took another drink herself. "We have more." Linda took the pro-offered bottle.

"In honour of Abigail Bartlet's 18th!" she saluted to Abbey and took another long drink.

"You're ridiculous." Abbey chuckled.

"It's why you love me." Linda teased.

"It's true." Abbey agreed whole-heartedly. She couldn't think of anyone she liked more than Linda. Why spend your time chasing after boys when you had a best friend like her?

Abbey hung out in a corner with the boys and CJ, enjoying the crude jokes that tended to come out at this point in the evening. The part she liked best was yet to come – when the guests that had to be pandered to left, and they all ended up in the residence playing cards or just replaying the evening. Nonetheless, she'd already taken care of greeting everyone, and was simply enjoying herself now, especially as the wine was quickly making its way to her head.

"Come dance with me, CJ!" Sam dragged CJ off towards the dance floor, where Josh was already making a fool of himself with Donna.

"Why not?" CJ gestured helplessly at Abbey as she almost tripped following Sam. Josh dragged them in to form a dance circle. Abbey grinned. The best and the brightest sure couldn't dance, so she just enjoyed the amusement, laughing with Leo at their antics.

"Visit soon, okay?" Linda's eyes were filled with tears as she wrapped her arms around Abbey.

"I'll be home for Thanksgiving. That's not too far away." Abbey pointed out.

"I know…I'll just…"Linda paused, shaking her head. "I'll just miss you." Abbey kissed her cheek gently.

"I'll miss you too Lin." She smiled. "I'll call a lot, okay?" Linda nodded.

"Yeah." She still looked sad. Abbey hugged her one last time and then turned to leave. "Ab?" Linda pulled her back around. Her eyes were still full of tears. She took Abbey's hands and stood up on tip toe, pressing her lips gently to Abbey's. "I love you, Ab. For always." She ran out of the room, and Abbey could hear her sobs from the bathroom. Abbey was left touching her lips, confused.

"I thought it went well." Jed was well on his way to kicking Sam's ass at chess. Sam seemed confused as to how it had happened.

"Yeah." He said distractedly, trying to find a way out of the president's trap. "Can we just play cards?" he begged. "I at least have a chance there." Jed grinned.

"Do you concede?" Sam nodded.

"Cards, then?" Leo asked.

"I think we're good, aren't we?" CJ raised her eyebrows at Donna and Abbey, with whom she was conversing over a bottle of wine in the corner.

"Yeah, I'm too drunk for cards." Donna admitted.

"Me too" Abbey lay back on the couch she was sharing with CJ. "Far too drunk." She looked up at CJ. "Hello, Claudia Jean."

"Hello, Abbey." CJ smiled back.

The next time she went home, she kissed Linda back.

"You're sure you were okay earlier? You looked like you do after you have a fight with Himself" CJ and Abbey were walking around the Rose Garden.

"I was just thinking."

"About what?" CJ questioned. Abbey looked down.

"You really want to know?"

"Yup."

"You, actually." Abbey admitted. "You're an amazing woman, Claudia Jean." CJ seemed taken aback, and Abbey wondered if she'd made a mistake.

"Thank you, Abbey" she smiled, taking the other woman's hand in hers. "That's very kind of you to say."

"Just honest." She paused for a minute. "I was also thinking about my friend Linda."

"Oh." CJ waited for her to continue.

"I haven't spoken to her since I married Jed." Abbey looked up at CJ. "She never did forgive me for that."

CJ looked confused. "Why would she need to forgive you?"

Abbey took a breath. "This isn't something you can repeat to anyone, Claudia." CJ nodded.

"She was the first person I ever loved. I think she never believed I'd give her up until I did it. And she certainly never forgave me for it."

"No-one ever does" CJ pointed out.

Abbey looked up at her, smiling. "You're probably my only honest to God friend, Claudia Jean. You know that? You know more about me that anyone but Jed. And more than him, in places."

CJ grinned. "Well all of my friends work here, so I'm not far ahead of you." She realised she was still holding Abbey's hand, and looked down at it.

"Oh, sorry." Abbey took her hand away, awkwardly. CJ smiled.

"I didn't mind, Abbey. I just noticed we were still holding hands."

Abbey smiled back. "Okay." She put her hand back in Claudia Jean's.

She pondered the scene that night as she lay in bed. Did CJ have feelings for her, too? It was hard to draw a line between two women.

As she drifted off, she dreamed.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession." Abbey crossed herself and knelt.

"What can I help you with, my child?"

"I'm having impure thoughts about my best friend." Tears came to Abbey's eyes as she thought of Linda.

"What sort of impure thoughts."

"She is a woman, and I am in love with her" the tears came faster now. How could what she had with Linda be wrong?

"Are your feelings reciprocated?"

"Yes." Abbey whispered.

"The Bible says that love of this sort should be between a man and a woman."

"Yes." Abbey whispered.

"Then why do you flout God's law by loving this woman, knowing what the Bible says?"

"My feelings will not go away." Abbey whispered.

"You should pray for forgiveness."

"I will." Abbey promised.

"10 hail Mary's and 4 our Father's"

"Thank you." Abbey crossed herself and ran from the Church, rosary in hand.

That night she burned her letters from Linda while she prayed, hoping that her prayers would resolve the chasm in her heart between love and religion.

They didn't.