A/N: As promised, kinda, I have made a Les Amis Chanukah fic on Christmas.
I don't know about you, but I've always thought Feuilly was Jewish, regardless of what Hugo said. I mean, the kid is frikkin obsessed with Poland! That's where, like, a million billion Jews came from during the immigration period! Robyn-logic is the best kind of logic there is. :D
(If you're anti-Semetic, leave. Now. Forever. Before I cut you.)
And there is not a Les Amis Chanukah funtimes fic, I believe, and so this will be quite good, indeed. And I haven't written in script format in a while, so deal with it. :D
DISCLAIMER: When I am done with Les Amis I promise to put them back, honest! Except Enjolras, 'cause I got him for Chanukah last year! :D And I don't own "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and "Bon Qui Qui." Or anything else I don't own.
(fairy=gay person, fyi)
SCENE 1:
Mme Feuilly: Ready to pick out a menorah, Little Feuilly?
Little Feuilly: Mhm! I are excited, mama!
The Feuillys: -pick out a menorah-
M. Feuilly: I love Little Feuilly. Let's make him carry our new menorah home!
Li'l Feuilly: -carries menorah triumphantly-
The Feuillys: -walk home-
M. Feuilly: Who's ready for story time?
Li'l Feuilly: Me! Me! Me!
M. Feuilly: -talks about Jewish heritage and Poland and Great Menorah and stuff-
Mme Feuilly: -makes latkes-
The Feuillys: -are happy! :D-
Later on, as we all know, Little Feuilly grows up to just plain ol' Feuilly, fan-maker extraordinaire, and his parents die as he is orphan 'cause Hugo said so. –le sad- D:
SCENE 2:
Combeferre and Enjolras: -gather stuff for pre-barricade…ness…
Feuilly: Oh pretty! –jumps in random pile o' barricade doom-
Combeferre: What the h-word, Feuilly?
Feuilly: Never jump in a pile of stuff that hurts.
Enjolras: Thanks, mon ami… -helps him out of rubble-
Feuilly: -goes away to make more fans-
SCENE 3:
Feuilly: Imma go write to the Great Menorah now! –gets out sheet of paper:
Dear Great Menorah,
I'm looking forward to your arrival on Chanukah. I hope you will bring me lots of presents.
Combeferre: Who are you writing to?
Feuilly: The Great Menorah! Every year on the first night of Chanukah, the Great Menorah emerges from the Jewish bookstore and goes to every house to give all the nice people presents!
Combeferre: Feuilly, you say this every year. And every year the Great Menorah doesn't come. What'll it take to make you stop believing in the Great Menorah? We need you to be focused on the upcoming insurrection.
Feuilly: I'll stop believing in the Great Menorah when you stop believing in Santa!
Combeferre: But I… Santa…! -leaves-
Feuilly: -continues writing-
You must get discouraged because more people believe in Santa Claus than in you. Well, let's face it: Santa Claus has had more publicity. But, being number two, perhaps you try harder.
Grantaire: Feuilly, you crazy! –laughs and hiccups simultaneously as he leaves so he can tell Enjolras about Feuilly's craziness-
Enjolras: Not again, Feuilly! If you write a letter to that non-existant Menorah again, the revolt will be the laughing stock of Paris! –leaves-
Feuilly: There are three things one shouldn't talk to Enjolras about: religion, politics, and the Great Menorah
Bahorel: You're stupid –leaves-
Feuilly: -rolls eyes and continues to write-
Everyone tells me you are a fake, but I believe in you. PS: If you really are a fake, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Jehan: -enters with Lesgles- Whatcha doin'? –coughs and smiles-
Feuilly: I can't tell you. You'll laugh
Lesgles: No we won't, Feuilly! You're our friend!
Feuilly: Okay… well the Great Menorah is going to give me presents for being nice so let's go find him on the first night of Chanukah! At De La Goldstein's Jewish bookstore. Be there or be a triangle.
Jehan: Okay!
Lesgles: Yay!
Combeferre: Jehan! What're you doing here? Don't mess with the fairies, Feuilly... but you can have him –drags Jehan away and leaves Lesgles-
Lesgles: Imma leave now, byee! :D –leaves-
Feuilly: Okay, I'm going to go mail my letter to the Great Menorah now!
Enjolras: Boy, you crazy, mailin' that letter. Pshaw!
Feuilly: You're mean, Enj! I love Poland and the Great Menorah so don't be hatin'! –leaves-
Combeferre: I'm invited to a Chanukah party at Marius's uncle's friend's brother's house!
Enjolras: Me too. You're not going.
Combeferre: But I never get invited to parties!
Enjolras: S'cause you ain't pretty, cracka. –snaps-
Combeferre: D'aw…
Enjolras: Nah, I'm kidding. You are one cool kid, M. Combeferre. -leaves-
After Enjolras departs, Combeferre sees Feuilly walk by with a 'Welcome, Great Menorah!' sign. Feuilly pins it to the door of De La Goldstein's Jewish Bookstore and stands by it.
SCENE 4:
Bahorel: I like chocolate! –eats gelt-
Courfeyrac: Me too! –eats more gelt-
Jehan: I like Feuilly—I mean what? –shifty eyes-
Lesgles: I like Joly—I mean what? –shifty eyes-
Jehan: Where is Feuilly anyway?
Enjolras: He's at De La Goldstein's Jewish Bookstore waiting for the Great Menorah… again –le sigh-
Combeferre and Joly; Salut, mes amis!
Everone else: Bonjour!
Marius: -walks in dressed as Napoleon… just 'cause he's Marius- They'll never guess it's me! I'm so sneaky!
Everyone: What the f-word, Pontmercy?
Marius: Aw, man!
Enjolras: Seriously, Marius, leave my sight before I—
Courfeyrac (Qui Qui): CUT YOU!
Everyone: Um… Courfey…?
Marius's uncle's friend's brother: Hey, guys! The latkes' are ready!
Everyone: -goes to eat latkes, but, for the sake of the plot, goes the long way to the dining room of Marius's uncle's friend's brother's house so they can pass by De La Goldstein's Jewish Bookstore so they can see Feuilly-
I like latkes!
SCENE 5:
Feuilly: -sees his friends- Hey, guys! Are you coming to sing Chanukah songs with me?!
Jehan: H-WORD YES!
Enjolras: You know, Feuilly, you should stop waiting for this made-up Menorah and come party and eat latkes with us at Marius's uncle's friend's brother's house.
Feuilly: NO! Don't talk like that, or the Great Menorah will hear you and he won't give you any presents, Enjolras!
Enjolras: Oh. Mon. Dieu. What. Is. Your. Problem?
Jehan: -pushes Enjolras out of the way- Do you really think he'll come?
Feuilly: Um, yes, Jehan. Where have you been? –facepalm-
Everyone except Jehan: -facepalm-
Feuilly: The Great Menorah brings presents! I LIKES PRESENTS, LAWLZ! :D
Jehan: Oh. Yeah. Whatever.
Feuilly: -le gasp- You don't believe in the Great Menorah, Jehan? I thought all fairies like yourself believed in him! They all seemed so vulnerable and—
Jehan: I AM NOT A— Um… I mean, welcome to the 19th century, pal.
Enjolras: So, um, are you going to come with us, Feuilly? We really need to go get some latkes…
Bahorel: I like latkes!
Joly: We know…
Feuilly: Imma say 'no' to that offer, Enjolras. Again.
Everyone else: -leaves-
Jehan: -changes his mind and runs back to Feuilly-
Feuilly: Thanks for not being peer pressured into going back to Marius's uncle's friend's brother's house, Jehan! I'm glad you came back. Now you can see the Great Menorah with me!
Jehan: Don't touch me.
Feuilly: I'm not… Question mark? Anyway, I love the Great Menorah. Oh yes, I do. -talks about the Great Menorah stories his dad told him as a kid- Well, I know he's going to come here, we're at the best Jewish bookstore in town!
SCENE 6:
Everyone: -walks to Marius's uncle's friend's brother's house-
Enjolras: Can I have an extra latke for my friend who is sitting at De La Goldstein's Jewish Bookstore waiting for something that isn't gong to happen? Thanks… It's so embarrassing to have to ask for something extra for that blockhead Feuilly.
Marius's uncle's friend's brother: C'mon, everyone! Let's play dreidl!
Everyone: Yay!
When they are done playing dreidl, Les Amis (minus Jehan and Feuilly, obvi) tell everyone what they won at the celebrated Chanukah game.
Enjolras: I got five pieces of candy!
Joly: I got a chocolate bar! –sprays it with Lysol-
Combeferre: I got a franc!
Lesgles: I got a rock.
Courfeyrac: Gee, I got a candy bar!
Bahorel: Hey, I got three cookies!
Marius: I got a pack of gum!
Lesgles: I got a rock.
Enjolras: I got a popcorn ball!
Bahorel: I got a fudge bar!
Joly: I got a pack of gum, too! –is scared of the germs on it and gives it to Combeferre-
Lesgles: I got a rock.
Combeferre: Hey… where's Grantaire?
Enjolras: Well, that's a silly question, mon petit 'Ferret! He's getting drunk and having a crazy day dream that he is in the Air Force during the American Civil War that hasn't even happened yet and planes aren't invented!
Everyone: -laughs-
Combeferre: It's funny 'cause it's true… wait, what?
SCENE 7:
Grantaire: -gets drunk and pretends he is in the Air Force during the Civil War, even though neither of them exist—yet- -shifty eyes-
Enjolras: -voice over- Grantaire is drunk and stupid all the time.
Grantaire: -makes noises when appropriate-
Bahorel: -voice over- Well, that's great, Enj, but we all wanna go back to the Chanukah PARTAY!
Everyone else: Yeah! Yay!
Enjolras: Okay… but let's go make fun of Jehan and Feuilly first!
Everyone else: Yeah! Yay! –goes to bookstore place-
I like the Red Baron.
SCENE 8:
Combeferre: So, how's the Great Menorah, guys? –laughs evilly-
Everyone else: -is scared-
Enjolras: So, basically, you two suck. You missed out on dreidl and eating latkes and all that other fun Chanukah stuff.
Courfeyrac: What a way to spend Chanukah!
Everyone else: -laughs- -leaves-
Jehan: -crying after them- HEY! THE GREAT MENORAH IS GOING TO SHOW UP, SO SHUT Y'ALL PIEHOLES!
Feuilly: The Pie Hole is the pie shop in 'Pushing Daisies'…
Jehan: -le sigh- Yeah… too bad that show is getting cancelled.
Feuilly: Yeah… -cries with Jehan and Robyn for a few minutes-
Jehan: Where's the Great Menorah, Poland?
Feuilly: Um… he'll be here, I promise!
Jehan: Fine. I have a reputation to maintain, y'know…
SCENE 9:
-at Marius's uncle's friend's brother's (MUFB) Chanukah party-
Enjolras: Heh, we need you to model, Lesgles.
Lesgles: Model? Me? –rubs shiny bald head-
Courfeyrac: Yeah! Totes! You'll be the perfect model! –sits Lesgles down-
Enjolras: Okay, turn him around.
Bahorel: -draws jack o' lantern face on the back of Lesgles's head- So, if we shape the eyes like this, and the nose like this, and the mouth like this…
Enjolras: -draws jack-o-lantern face on a napkin- Oh, okay, thanks, Bahorel. And thank you, too. Lesgles.
Lesgles: WHAT THE F-WORD, GUYS? IT'S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN! Good grief! –runs off to tell of his misfortunes to Joly-
Enjolras: But the scene is so perfect, AND YOU KNOW IT!
SCENE 10:
Grantaire: -likes walking dressed as an Air Force pilot in the Civil War, even though none of them happened yet. So he goes to MUFB's Chanukah party unknowingly-
Enjolras: Let's play 'bob for latkes'!
Everyone else: Yay!
Lesgles: No! –looks at his myriad of rocks stacked up in the corner-
Combeferre: That's a really stupid idea, Enj…
MUFB has conveniently placed a vat of oil/butter filled with latkes in the room.
Grantaire: -sneakily enters the vat o' doom-
Courfeyrac: Enjolras has the perfect mouth for this, haha!
Enjolras: F-word you… -bobs for a latke… but comes up with Grantaire on it-
Everyone: -le gasp!-
Enjolras: BLECH! MY LIPS TOUCHED DOG LIPS! –runs around crazy-
Joly: -tells Enjolras of the various diseases he is going to get now-
Grantaire: -does not like sad Chanukah songs, so he leaves MUFB's house-
SCENE 11:
Grantaire: -sneaks over sneakily to De La Goldstein's Jewish Bookstore-
Jehan: So, Feuilly, you basically fail.
Feuilly: Just, think, Jehan! When the Great Menorah comes out from the back of the bookstore, we'll be able to see him! Wait… I THINK I HEAR HIM!
Grantaire: -makes noise-
Feuily: OH EM EF GEE BE BE QUE IT'S THE GRAT MENORAH! HE'S COMING OUT FROM BEHIND THE BOOKSTORE! LOOK, JEHAN!
Grantaire: -comes out from behind the bookstore like a creeper-
Feuilly: -faints-
Jehan: -is pissed major-
Feuilly: -comes to- So, what happened? Did he leave us anything?
Jehan: I HATE YOU, FEUILLY! I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT BEHIND A FRIKKIN BOOKSTORE WAITING FOR THE GREAT MENORAH! I COULD'VE BEEN WITH MY FRIENDS PLAYING DREIDL AND STUFF! AND YOU RUINED IT, FEUILLY, YOU RUINED IT ALL! I WAS WAITING FOR THE GREAT MENORAH, AND ALL I SAW WAS GRANTAIRE! THANKS A LOT, FEUILLY! I'M GOING TO SUE YOU!
The rest of Les Amis: -randomly show up to see what's going on-
Jehan: Feuilly is a real Poopface. He made me miss dreidl. I'm going to chill with you guys now.
Lesgles: -does the infamous 'I-told-you-so' dance from Will & Grace-
Everyone except Feuilly: -leaves-
Feuilly: Aw, guys! The Great Menorah is still going to come! Guys? Please? If he comes, I'll put in a good word for you! OH S-WORD! I SAID 'IF'! By, 'if' I mean 'when!' When the Great Menorah comes… Hoo boy…
SCENE 12:
Enjolras: -decides to be nice and go check the back of the Jewish bookstore to see if Feuilly is still there-
Feuilly: -is still there-
Enjolras: -takes Feuilly back to his garret and makes sure he falls asleep before going back to his own-
How nice.
SCENE 13:
Feuilly: -goes to talk with Lesgles-
Lesgles: Well, another Chanukah has come and gone.
Feuilly: Yeah… -le sigh-
Lesgles: And we played dreidl a million billion times, and all I got were rocks! So… I 'spose you spent all night behind De La Goldstein's Bookstore… and the Great Menorah never showed up?
Feuilly: No. –eyes narrow-
Lesgles: It's okay, Feuilly, I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, too.
Feuilly: 'STUPID'? What do you mean stupid?! Just wait until next year, mon cher Monsieur Lesgles when the Great Menorah shows up and… and—
LE FIN.