Chapter 1
Eren gasped, his eyes opening wide as he stared sightlessly above him. No! Flashes of terror and hopelessness raced through his mind, and all he could hear was the frantic pounding of his heart.
Finally something broke through the white noise, "Eren?"
His eyes slowly focused in on Mikasa's face. Her worried eyes studied him as he tried to understand what he was seeing. "Huh? Mikasa?"
"Let's head back." She spoke calmly. What was she talking about? Where were they... Wait.
"What am I doing here?" He whispered.
He should be dead.
"You're so out of it. Were you sound asleep?"
"No." He had been remembering. He sat up and brushed a hand across his eyes. What was happening?
"I feel like I had a really long dream." His heart pounded against his chest at the thought. No, not a dream, a nightmare.
Eren bent over to the side and dry-heaved. "Eren?!" Mikasa shouted alarmed. She bent down at his side and brushed some of his hair aside. "Eren, are you okay?! Are you sick?"
Eren groaned as he tried to hold up a cry that was rising out of his throat. This was cruel. Mikasa was dead. He stared down at the fragile shoots of grass between his hands as a drop of water splashed down onto the dirt. Was it raining?
"Eren, Let's head back. If you're feeling sick then your Dad can help you get better." Mikasa voice was more gentle than normal as she took hold of Eren's shoulders and tried to help him up.
"I'm not sick." Another drop splashed down onto Eren's cheek as he got up. He looked into the cloudless sky and wall that reached up to touch it.
"Eren, why are you crying?" Concern emanated from Mikasa's every word.
He turned her eyes on her as he brought his hand to his cheek. Oh.
"I'm sorry." He tried to stop. He had to be strong. Strong enough for them all.
Mikasa reached up and brushed away tears from his other cheek even as more began to trickle down. Her eyes flickered across his face, her browed creased in concern. "It's okay Eren. Let's go home."
Home.
Eren jerked away. They didn't have a home. They… Eren stared off into the distance at the unbroken gate of Shinganshina. Then slowly he took in the wood carriers laying near by under the large oak with them. Then finally, he stared at Mikasa's too young face and felt his heart stop.
For a moment he couldn't breath. Mikasa. Eren huffed out a breath as his heart jumped and seemed to echo in his ears.
"Home?" He breathed out.
"Home." Mikasa bit her lip and glanced over at the wood. "I will hide your pack in the bushes. I will still have to carry mine, but we should have enough wood for the day. I am going to grab it really quick okay?"
He remembered this, but… it had gone differently. Mikasa moved away and Eren stood silently for a second before realizing what Mikasa had inferred. "Hey! I can carry my pack just fine."
Mikasa stopped what she was doing and looked at him incredulously and stated in a bland voice, "You're crying."
Eren flushed. and brushed his face against his sleeve. "Well, I'm not anymore!" He walked over and grabbed his pack from Mikasa, she let go reluctantly, and he shouldered it easily.
"Well?!" He stared at her expectantly. "You wanted to go right?" It felt like there were eels swimming through his stomach still, but he knew how to deal with Mikasa. Show one inch of weakness and she would mother you for miles until she was satisfied.
"I don't think this is a good idea." She stated, frowning into her scarf.
He huffed a sigh, with a roll of his eyes he turned around and started towards Shinganshina's gate. He didn't understand what was happening, but Mikasa would follow him no matter what. He heard the clatter of wood as Mikasa swung on her own pack and ran after him. She grabbed hold of his arm once she caught up to him. It's warm support sending a stab of regret through Eren's heart.
He glanced over at her but kept walking. "I'm okay." He said it roughly but he had to if he wanted to reassure Mikasa. He looked at the ground and mumbled. "I just had a bad dream is all." Oh by heaven did he wish it had been that.
Mikasa didn't let go of his arm until they had almost reached the gate. Even then her fingers only slipped loose when Eren forcibly shook her off. Mikasa knew that he wouldn't want anyone to see.
The laughter of soldiers bantering back and forth slowly grew louder and as they passed under the shadow of the gate Hannes stepped forward.
"Oye! Eren, Mikasa! I see the hunt for wood went well." Hannes winked with a large grin which faded slightly as he took in their faces.
"Eh, Eren you okay? Looks like you might have been…" Eren cut him off. "I wasn't crying!"
Hannes' eyebrows skyrocketed. "Is that so?" He looked over to Mikasa for her version of events. The young girl looked away as she mumbled. "I think Eren might be sick, I am taking him to his dad." Eren glared and elbowed Mikasa in the ribs for her trouble.
Hannes' face scrunched up in concern. "Ehhhh, you better get home then right away." His breath ghosted over them stinking of cheap wine.
"I'm fine. I'm not the one that stinks of alcohol." Eren paused and then realized just what this meant. "Wait, you're guarding the gate today aren't you?!" Eren yelled it angrily covering up his panic.
"Well yeah." Hannes spoke with a laugh, ignoring Eren's tone. "We spend all day here, so eventually we get hungry and thirsty. And the fact that some of what we may drink may be alcohol… Well that isn't a big problem."
Eren's shoulders hunched as is panic turned more and more into real anger. "Can you fight like that if you have to?!"
Hannes pulled back in surprise. "Eh? If we have to? When would we have to?"
Fury pounded through Eren's ears. "When else! If they breached the wall and entered the city!" Didn't they know that… no, no they didn't know.
"Hey, Eren, don't yell like that." Hannes rubbed a hand through his hair.
One of the soldiers sitting near by got up and moved towards them. He laughingly spoke, "The doctor's son seems well enough to me. If we they ever do breach the wall's we will do our jobs. But that hasn't happened a hundred years." No, they needed to be ready! Eren had to convince them…, only the wouldn't take the word of a kid, and that was what he was right now.
"But my dad says you're in the most danger when you lower your guard!" Maybe…
"Doctor Jaeger, eh?" Hannes said thoughtfully. "Well he's right… He once saved the whole city from an epidemic. We all owe him more than we could ever repay. Myself included. But, that has nothing to do with them."
Hannes looked behind him, "As a soldier, when you go up to repair the walls, you can sometimes see them wandering around outside. But this wall is 50 meters high. They can't do anything about it." Eren felt his heart plummet. He knew this, he knew all of this, but it wasn't enough!
"And if they manage to get through! If they break through!"
Mikasa gasped and grabbed hold of Eren's arm as the two soldiers stared at him in shock.
"Eren, lets go, you're not making any sense." Eren stared at her incredulously, "But you know that…" Eren cut himself off and stared at the ground. No, no one knew. Only he knew. Why was he reliving this? He wanted to scream.
A hand came down on Eren's shoulder. "Listen Eren. I know it can be frustrating watching adults do nothing, but if we are fighting then that means things are bad. As long as everyone's laughing at us and calling us useless freeloaders that means that we're all safe."
Eren wrenched away, he looked up with stormy eyes. "That won't be enough when it's too late." He twisted around Hannes and ran away, Mikasa close on his heels.
"Hey, Eren!" Hannes shouted behind him.
Eren ignored it and the last thing he heard was one of the soldiers muttering "strange kid."
Shit. He didn't want to be here. Eren slowed to a stop and rubbed at his head. It felt like it was throbbing against his skull. Why did everything feel so real?!
Mikasa grabbed onto his arm, this time tightly. She wouldn't be letting go any time soon. "Eren…"
"I know, I know… Let's just... go." Eren sighed. They slowly made their way across town and were getting near their house when the bell's began to ring.
Eren pulled in a sharp breath. The survey corps. Eren didn't realize he had stopped until Mikasa pulled on his arm gently. "Come on, Eren." Mikasa was staring daggers into his head. Clearly telling him that he wasn't going to be among the crowd to greet the soldiers home.
Any other day, it would have instantly sparked rebellion in Eren's soul and nothing would have stopped him from going. Today though… He already knew what he would see.
"Yeah, alright." They started walking again and soon made it up the hill that their house was on. Mikasa's firm grip on his arm remained constant even as she swung open the door and announced for all to hear, "Eren's sick!"
Eren's parents looked up from what they were doing in worry.
"What the hell, Mikasa!"
Eren's mom gasped and marched over to him, grabbing his ear and twisting it. "I don't care if are as sick as a dog Eren, I won't hear that language from my son!" Eren yelped and tried to twist his head along with her hand to make it hurt less.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He pleaded. She let go and he replaced her hand with his own, trying in vain to lessen the throbbing pain. He had forgotten how much that hurt. A lump formed in his throat, and Eren stumbled forward grabbing his mother in the tightest hug that he could manage.
"Eren!" His mother yelped in worried shock. She tried to pull him back so that she could feel his temperature, but he wasn't moving anytime soon.
Eren heard the scrape of a chair as his father stood and came over. "Eren?" His dad asked questioningly. When he received no response Mikasa answered in Eren's stead.
"He took break under the old oak while we were gathering wood, when I came over he had fallen asleep so I decided to wait for him to wake up, but when he did…" Mikasa hesitated, maybe waiting for Eren to interrupt her, he didn't though, everything was too much already. Mikasa continued, "When he woke up he was confused, he kept on asking questions, and then he started crying." Carla's hands stilled from where they were petting Eren's hair. "He what?"
The was a moment of silence before Eren's dad gently patted him on his back. "Alright Eren, let's get this pack off your back and have you sit down." He was using his Dr. Jaeger voice, the one that he used to comfort sick patients and reassure them that they would get better. Eren's heart throbbed painfully in his chest. His dad…
Eren let himself be pulled away from his mother and was limp as they worked together to get the pack off him and usher him over to the bed that he slept on.
"Grisha what's wrong with him?" Eren heard his mom whisper worriedly.
"I'm not sure yet, don't worry we will figure it out." Eren felt something get gently pushed into his mouth. "Hold this under your tongue, son." Nothing was real, it couldn't be, not matter how real it felt. Eren let his eyes unfocus and stare sightlessly in front of him.
His dad lightly lifted up his shirt and pressed cold metal above his heart. Eren breathed out slowly. Was this hell? Maybe when he had died he hadn't been good enough to go to heaven, and instead was cursed to relive a life that was hopeless.
The cold metal was removed and his dad sighed heavily. "Alright Eren, I want you to lay down. Carla grab the pillows from our bed, we need to stick them under Eren's legs."
He went down easily, and felt his father untie and then remove his shoes. "It'll be okay Eren." He murmured softly. He rubbed Eren's legs in a soothing manner. "I need you to calm down okay, kiddo?" His dad hadn't called him that in so, so long.
Carla came back and moved the pillowed under Eren's legs with Grisha's help. "Honey?" Her worried voice trembled on the single word.
Grisha took the thermometer out of Eren's mouth and checked it. "Well, he doesn't have a temperature."
"What? What is it then?" Carla knelt next to the bed and started to brush Eren's hair to the side. Eren closed his eyes. Maybe it wasn't hell, not yet.
"I need you to put on some chamomile tea. Right now his heart is racing. He's panicked for some reason and we need to get him to calm down."
Carla took a quick intake of breath before kissing Eren on the forehead gently and standing up. "Coming right up." She said shakily. "Mikasa, help me with the water okay?"
Mikasa didn't answer, but Eren could hear her light footsteps as she went out to fetch the water.
Eren's dad shifted and started rubbing circles on Eren's chest. "Okay Eren." He breathed out. "It's alright. You're just fine. I want you to focus on the here and now, nothing else." His father's deep voice seemed to sink into his very skin. "Yeah, there you go, kiddo." The voice never stopped, nor the comforting rub against his heart. Slowly but surely he felt the beats of his heart slow down to be in tandem with each cycle of his father's hand.
"Dad?" He croaked out.
"Yes, son?" Grisha answered comfortingly.
"Why did you do it?" Pinpricks of tears hovered at the edges of Eren's closed eyes.
"Why did I do what Eren?" A tear escaped and slid into Eren's hair. Grisha wiped away it's tracks.
"Why did you leave." Eren opened his watery eyes up to meet his father's. It was a question that had gone unspoken for years. Now he just wanted to know.
Grisha took a moment before answering. "Sometimes, we leave even when it's the last thing we want."
"I know." Eren gasped out. He tried to catch his breath. "But why?"
Grisha searched his eyes. "Eren, I'm sorry. I don't understand."
Another tear trickled down Eren's cheek. "I know. You wouldn't yet." His father clearly was trying to understand, but there was nothing Eren could say that would help. He heaved a heavy breath and turned on his side. Maybe if he went to sleep he would live a different, less painful memory.
As he faded to sleep he heard his mother say that the tea was done. His father whispered that it would be better not to wake him… and then finally, oblivion.
Eren wasn't sure how much later it was when he woke up, but it was to the sound of his mother and father having a hushed argument in the corner. He kept his eyes closed and couldn't tell if Mikasa was still in the house or not.
"Grisha, Eren's sick with… something. Just post-pone the trip for a few days at least!"
"You know that I can't do that. Some of my experiments are time sensitive, I need to get them to Sina as soon as possible."
"Yes, but our son…"
"Carla, I don't want to leave either, but I have to. I will check on him before I head to the boat, but I need to go soon." Grisha sighed heavily. "I am not sure what is going on with Eren, but you will be able to take care of Eren for a few days until I get back. By then he might be perfectly fine again. Who knows, he might be doing better already!"
"...I don't like it."
"Nor do I…"
Footsteps echoed towards him and a soothing hand rubbed Eren's arm.
"Eren? Come on wake up, kiddo." The petname simultaneously made Eren feel warm while sending a flash of hurt through him.
Eren turned and opened his eyes. "Yeah, dad?"
His father smiled tenderly at him, "How are you feeling?" He didn't miss how his father reached for his wrist, holding it gently as he felt his heart beat.
"Okay." Eren replied softly. He was home, it hurt, but it was worth it. It just had… startled him was all. Everything had gotten to be too much, all at the same time.
"Alright then… You remember that I had to go to Sina today?"
Eren slowly nodded. He would never forget.
"Well the boat leaves pretty soon so I want to make sure you're doing okay before I leave. Can you stand up for me son?" Ugh, he knew he deserved it for how he had been acting, but the babying was getting a bit much.
"Yeah." Eren took a deep breath and slowly got up. His father's hand never left his wrist and with his other hand helped steady Eren as he stood up even though he didn't need it.
"I'm fine, dad." Annoyance must have crept into his tone because Grisha smiled a bit.
"I'm sure you are, but I want you to take it easy for the next few days. You gave your mother quite the scare young man." The last part he said firmly and Eren blanched a little. He hadn't meant to…
His dad did a few more "tests" on him much to his dismay before pointing at the table. "Go ahead and sit down, we already ate with Mikasa, but your mom saved a plate for you." His dad gave him a hug much to his surprise. His father had very rarely ever showed physical affection like that. He bent down and whispered in his ear. "Your mother isn't the only one you scared." Then he let go and ruffled Eren's hair.
"Alright, I'm off." Grisha turned to Carla and gave her a peck on the lips before grabbing his case. Wait…
Grisha opened the door. "Wait!" Both adults turned to Eren expectantly.
"Eh, Where's Mikasa! You didn't say goodbye to her!" He didn't want what was coming after his father left.
Carla smiled bemused, "Mikasa already said her goodbyes when she went to give Armin's grandfather some eggs for me." In other words they had kicked Mikasa out so that she wouldn't worry herself to death over his bed. Well that explained a lot.
Grisha smiled and turned again. "Goodbye, Eren, Honey."
No! Eren ran forward and grabbed onto his father's jacket. "Wait!" This time the worry that was being held back creeped back into his parents expressions, and they exchanged a look.
"What is it Eren?" His father's tone was once again going into it's soft bedside tone. Eren had to fight the urge to roll his eyes.
"Um… I want to go with you." A plan started forming in Eren's head.
Carla's eyebrows shot to her hairline. "I don't think so, mister."
"It's alright, I feel fine." Both of his parents narrowed their eyes at him doubtfully. It sucked to be ganged up on. "I want to see the docks… get some fresh air…" He made his arguments the best he could before adding the one he actually cared about. "Mom can come with us so we can say goodbye together."
Carla twitched her head back in surprise. It wasn't what she had been expecting. "I don't know I have a lot of work to do…"
Please. Please this had to work. "...Why don't you come with me, dear. It's been a while since we have gone on a walk as a family." Eren had never felt so grateful to his father in his entire life.
"Yeah!"
Carla narrowed her eyes at the two of them, but nodded. "Alright then, let's go." She quickly took off her apron and headed out the door with the two of them.
This… this was different. It was going to be okay! Eren could have skipped all the way to the docks and his obvious energy didn't go unnoticed by his parents. They kept on sending silent looks at each other that Eren chose to ignore. He didn't understand what was happening, but maybe it would all be okay. He wished that Mikasa was with them though… If she had been he would have somehow gotten all of them on the boat and out of Shinganshina before anything happened. As it was…
Eren's thought process came up against a black and his pace slowed accordingly. His mother would no longer be trapped in the house, but did that make a difference if there were Titan's rampaging through the city? And what about Mikasa and Armin? He had no idea where they were now… Things were changing too fast.
They arrived at the docks and his father and mother said their last goodbyes while Eren stood silently near by. His father said goodbye to him as well, but Eren's good mood was gone as he contemplated what to do so their farewell was short and simple.
If this was real… Which Eren was starting to think that it could be. Then he needed to pick his next actions carefully if he wanted everyone to survive.
"Alright Eren, let's head back and get you dinner. You still haven't eaten." Carla brushed her fingers through her son's hair trying to straighten it out. Eren brushed her off distractedly. "Um… can we walk for a little bit longer? I am not hungry yet and don't want to be stuck inside."
Carla raised an eyebrow, "Is that so?"
"Eh… yeah."
"Hmm" His mother seemed doubtful but willingly let herself be led by her son. "Well alright, I suppose you do seem to be doing better with the fresh air."
For the next part of their walk Eren seemed to be wandering aimlessly, but really was checking every spot he knew of where Mikasa and Armin might be. Finally he spotted them over by the scouting legions stables. Apparently he had been the only reason they had gone to the docks before. With a shout he started to run towards them, but then it happened.
A cracking boom echoed through Shinganshina and the ensuing tremble knocked Eren off his feet. To his horror he turned to his mother and saw in the distance the looming head of the Colossus Titan. He felt his heart lurch should he run to his mother or Mikasa and Armin? Everyone was emptying onto the streets before standing in shock.
"Mikasa, Armin! Come here!" He cried out trying to get their attention. It wasn't working though. He turned back to look at his mom who too was staring horrified that the enormous Titan. He said a quick apology in his head before running towards his two best friends.
That was when the Colossus Titan breached the wall. The echoing crack and falling rocks almost shook Eren off his feet again, but he managed to move through the crowds and reach Mikasa and Armin.
"Are you alright?!" He gasped out. His two friends nodded, wide-eyed. "Mikasa go with Armin to the northern gate, its closer than the boats. Hurry! I will go get my mom…"
Eren turned around, but was stopped by Mikasa's hand on his arm. "Wait, we will come with you!"
"There's no time!" Eren shouted over the screams and shouts of the people around them. "There are already Titan's entering the city." He pointed out the huge forms that were slowly filtering through the broken gate. He ripped his shirt away and ran to his mom. To his horror she was on the ground calling his name.
"Mom! Mom! I'm here, are you okay?!" Eren called out once he got close enough. He bent down on his knees and tried to see what was wrong.
"Eren! Oh god, I thought I had lost you!" She grabbed hold of him, clenching him close. "I'm fine, I think I twisted my ankle when a man pushed me out of the way of that boulder…" Eren glanced over to where a body lay half under a rock the size of a horse. "...He didn't make it…" His mother sobbed.
"Don't worry it's alright. We'll get out of here." Eren did his best to help his mother stand. It sucked so bad being this short… He put her arm around his shoulder and tried the best he could to help stabilize her.
"Carla are you alright?!" Mikasa's cried out as she and Armin made their way through the rushing crowd of people.
"What are you doing here?! I told you to go to the gate already!" Eren barked out.
Mikasa glared back. "Don't be stupid, Eren. She reached under Carla's other side and together they began to help the older woman move slowly towards the gate.
Armin stared at them worriedly. "We're going too slow…" The young blonde turned and stared towards the southern gates entrance. "They are coming in too fast…"
Carla looked up from where she had been concentrated on moving one foot at a time. "It's the Titan's isn't it?" She looked to her side where Eren was. "Eren, I want you to take Mikasa and Armin and go without me. You need to get to the gate before they close it."
Eren shook his head. He had already heard this once. He wouldn't hear it again. He searched desperately for an adult that could help them. If only Hannes was here then this time he really could save them all…
The older soldier was making no appearances though and Eren tried his best to pick up the pace. "I'm not leaving you to die." He would never go through that again.
"Eren, listen to me! For once in your life, please do this." Her words fell on deaf ears and so she turned her pleas to Mikasa instead. "Mikasa!" she pleaded. They continued to trudge along with Armin occasionally stopped a running adult and asking for help only to be ignored and passed.
Screams and cries were beginning to get closer and closer, and Eren didn't want to glance behind to see what was causing the rising panic in Armin's eyes. They would make it there! They had to! Eren tried to ignore the pounding vibrations that he could feel every few steps that became stronger and stronger. Finally they could see the gate in front of them! It would be okay! Eren almost sobbed in relief when he saw Hannes at the entrance.
"HANNES!" He yelled out desperately trying to get the man's attention. The soldier stopped arguing with the man next to him to turn and look at them in horror.
"RUN!" The man's cry was harsh with panic even as he was running towards them himself. The ground was pounding now.
"Mikasa, keep going!" Eren called out. He would… he would save them.
He stopped in his tracks letting his mom be pulled away. "Eren!" His mother screamed. "No!"
"Keep going, save mom!" He cried as he turned to face the Titan bending down to grab him.
It's unyielding grip squeezed his body too tightly as he was brought up into the air. His ribs creaked and broke and slowly crushed into his organs as the Titan smiled widely down at him. "Hannes!" He choked out.
Down below him he could finally see the old solder finally doing what he had asked of him all those years ago. Eren smiled before crying out in pain. If his death was the cost of his mother's life he would give it willingly, but it didn't change the pain.
Canons started to go off as Eren was brought up to be swallowed. Their aim really was atrocious, Eren thought distantly.
His mother screams echoed in the distance as the Titan's teeth ripped through his side and then… Eren saw the Armored Titan running straight for the gate that his mother was currently standing in.
An explosion ripped through air.