Arbitrium
Summary: God's gift to mankind. Freewill.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
― Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken
Misa liked to believe that she was a practical girl.
She went shopping, caught up with old acquaintances over a typical coffee or bubble tea. Even participated in the thrill of gossiping every once in a while. The fact that she was a famous model did not change any of these things. She was still human. She still had friends, and though few, she had thought that she was happy with her life.
How silly of her.
Misa sighed as she placed her cellphone down on the coffee table and glanced at the framed picture of her boyfriend. Picking it up, Misa traced a manicured finger nail along the cheek of the handsome man.
She stared at her cellphone and looked back at the picture frame, frowning. She never anticipated on something like this ever occurring. It was always Light that was first. Light was everything. But a plucked flower could only be watered so many times before it began to wilt…
"No, Misa."
"But Light, we could go ice skating! You've been here all this time and well, I've missed yo-"
"I said No, Amane." His back was to her. His tone signaled finality. Misa's eyes stung and she felt herself deflate. Her voice however, never faltered.
"Okay! Maybe some other time. I love you!" She retreated to her room and remained there for the rest of the day.
If Rem was still with her, she would tell Misa that it was her fault for not leaving this behind her. List all the reasons why Light was absolutely wrong for Misa and that it was a fatal mistake to continue with this deadly game. But could she really just get up and quit, this deep into it? Could she?
xxx
He had just denied her again, insisting that she leave him alone. That he was busy. Like the perfect doll that she was, she smiled and did her best to understand. He was the Great Kira, of course. He had other things to attend to. Her tears, however, did not seem to comprehend that.
She walked to the lounge area of the building, not really hungry but not willing to spend another night inside her cold and lonely room. She was so confused.
She was startled when she saw the great detective there, making himself a cup of coffee. He was counting his sugar cubes and Misa was about to turn and leave when he said, "Is something wrong, Misa-san?"
Misa blushed, startled that he managed to correctly guess it was her without even a glance behind him.
"H-how did you know it was me?"
L turned and smiled at her as he mixed his overly sweetened coffee, the silver spoon occasionally clinking against the ceramic cup. "You seem to be the only one in this building who deems it necessary to wear heels at such an hour, Misa-san." He took a sip of his coffee and cringed as he realized that a few more sugar cubes were in order. He turned away from her and continued to sweeten his hot beverage.
The blush further spread on Misa's cheeks and she glared at his back. "For your information, I simply like to look nice! And a model of my caliber needs to look nice at all times! Stupid Ryuzaki! Always has to say mean things to Misa! I look good in heels and happen to like wearing them!" Misa could feel her frustration at Light seep into her tone but she was too rattled to mind.
"I never said it was a bad thing, Misa-san." He calmly mentioned, his back still to her.
Misa frowned and felt herself deflate as she let out the remainder of her anger in the form of a breath. She walked towards the table in the middle of the kitchen and sat down on one of the chairs, her knees feeling weak. She wanted to place her head down on the table but feared her hair might become disheveled. As a second thought, she opted to balance her chin on her hand.
So many things she and Light could be doing at that moment. Instead, she was inside the Kira investigation headquarters, bored out of her mind and venting her frustrations on her boyfriend's arch nemesis. This was not the style of life that she had anticipated on.
L finished mixing his coffee, turned and leaned on the counter. He gave Misa a curious glance, tilting his head like a puppy, trying to understand her frustration. His abnormal dark eyes interlocked with her clear ones. Day and Night.
"I apologize if I insulted you, Misa-san. That was not my intention. I simply wanted to answer your question."
Misa smiled sadly, feeling a pang of guilt and shame overcome her. She immediately felt like a child as the familiar sting that seemed to continuously plague her eyes returned. "Ryuzaki-chan is so sweet. It's not his fault. Misa-Misa is simply upset and took it out on Ryuzaki. Misa should be the one apologizing."
"I see." He took another sip of his coffee, finally content with its sweetness.
Misa blinked away any remaining tears and glanced up at the detective. "Ryuzaki-chan seems to be the only one in this building who finds it necessary to drink coffee at such an hour," her teasing tone, an attempt to mimic his serious one, caused a smile to form on the detective's lips.
"Yes, well it is a custom of mine. I tend to avoid sleep when I can. I find it unproductive."
Misa raised a golden eyebrow. "Ryuzaki never sleeps?"
"I do, I simply like keeping it to only what is necessary. I seem to enjoy working more." He dipped his long, pale index finger inside the coffee, then brought it up to his lips. His tongue, quick and efficient, immediately licked the drop away. Misa gazed at his mouth, curiously. She shook her head and placed her focus back to her arms, which were now folded primly on the table.
"It must get lonely for Ryuzaki then," Misa mentioned without thought. She simply could not imagine having to work constantly. Knowing L, she suspected that his schedule must only consist of him working on cases. His position as a head criminal investigator in international, high-class cases no doubt left little time for friendships, if he indeed had any friends at all.
L was pensive for a moment, then shook his head. "I don't believe I am, Misa-san. As I mentioned before, I enjoy what I do. If by 'lonely' you're referring to the lack of socially expected behavior that I exhibit with colleagues however, then yes, I suppose I am most of the time 'alone'. Then again, I tend to prefer it." He took another sip.
Misa giggled. He sounded like a dictionary. "Ryuzaki-chan is so weird!" Her eyes momentarily focused on the top of his head, where his real name glowed red. She lowered her gaze quickly. He had such a strange name and yet, it suited him. He was strange in general. In her time of modeling and acting, Misa had encountered so many personalities, howbeit never one as peculiar as the man standing before her.
L frowned. "So I've been told."
Misa felt her heart ache momentarily, realizing that she may have insulted him. Misa was so dumb sometimes. He was actually speaking to her like a real adult! Something that was rare among the more 'normal' individuals that she knew. He was only being nice and here she was insulting him! Stupid Misa!
"B-but that's okay! Weird is good! Many people think Misa-Misa is weird!" She scratched the back of her head, laughing nervously. It was true. She was sure that if she looked up one of her videos on the internet, many comments would mention how she was too old for the style of clothing that she wore. That her manner of speaking was childish and insulting. At the beginning of her fame, Misa had binged on looking up blogs that were concerning her and had found quite a few that were full of hate and cruel things to say about her. She had hesitated on continuing her career when it finally dawned on her that hate was still attention and attention was love.
Attention, which Light never showed Misa…
"I find that hard to believe." L softly said as he gazed at her. Misa noticed his eyes look down at her body and she immediately felt herself blush again. The black, lace dress she was currently wearing had been an attempt of hers to seduce her stubborn boyfriend. Her cleavage stood out, despite the thin leather jacket that currently hugged her form. She crossed her arms and looked away only to look back and find that L was now concentrated on his coffee cup.
Misa closed her eyes and nodded. "But weird is good!"
L looked up at her again. "Is it now?"
"Yes!"
"How so?"
"Because weird is unique!" Misa smiled. "Ryuzaki-chan and Misa-Misa are unique!"
xxx
Misa shook her head. If she gave up this lifestyle as Light's pawn, she was sure to die. Misa was certain the only reason Light kept her alive was because he still saw her as useful, given that she had the Shinigami Eyes. That and she was a faithful follower, never questioning nor rebelling. Simply following blindly behind him, being in place whenever and wherever he told her to be. She was a doll, his doll. His pretty, little doll that never said no. Light was destined to become a God.
But…
But could Light indeed be a God if he could not even feel emotions? Light's callous actions contrasted greatly with the God her mother had believed in. Would not a God have sympathy for even the worst of criminals?
Misa remembered the first time her mother had taken her to a Catholic Church known as The Cathedral of Kawaramachi. It was a tiny structure, nestled between two tall buildings in the heart of Kyoto, Japan. Though the glass panes looked plain and bare on the outside, the various colors stood out wonderfully from the all-white décor inside, especially when the sun would set. It was strange, but Misa had never felt so at peace than at that time of her life. Although her mother was entirely devout in her religion, she had given Misa the choice to decide whether or not she wanted to believe in the same God as she. Misa had chosen to follow in her mother's spiritual footsteps for some time. She remembered confession, praying, enjoying mass and even questioning the priest after each service.
xxx
"But why did He have to die, Shisai?"
"To save us, kodomo."
"But why? Isn't He God? Why would a God have to die in order to save us?"
The priest smiled at the little girl before him. Her big eyes shone with curiosity and confusion. No hate or malice in them. Simply trying to understand Love in its truest form.
"God sent His only son to Earth, so that He may show us the path, Kodomo. Iesu died on that cross in order to grant us salvation. Without His death, we would have never known the true depth of God's love." The father glanced at the cross before them and smiled. She was still young and he did not wish to confuse her. "Love is why he died for us."
Little Misa frowned and looked up at the cross as well. She was still confused, but the warmth that spread through her heart at that moment was enough for her.
"Love," she repeated, nodding softly to herself.
xxx
That all changed of course, at the death of her family. The murder scene still haunted her dreams. There was so much blood everywhere. Blood on the walls, blood on the carpet, blood on the furniture…
Misa refused to continue to believe in a God whose 'love' would allow such a cruel, evil thing happen to her family. Then for the killer to escape justice due to lack of evidence? The pain that she felt through that time was surreal and she would not wish that on her worst enemies. She had even sought guidance from that same priest to ask him why God had permitted such a horrid thing to happen to her. With eyes full of sympathy and pity, he had informed her that it was because God knew she was strong enough to handle it. Misa had slammed the door at her exit, glaring at the cross at the center of the altar.
But despite her lack of faith, she still wore her mother's cross proudly and even said grace before her meals sometimes, as fruitful as it seemed to her. Old habits seemed to die hard.
Misa lied down on her couch and stared blankly at the ceiling.
Although deep in her heart she still loved him and perhaps always would, Misa had begun to question Light's motives. There was too much death. Too much even for a God of Vengeance. The smell of the deceased was forever seared into her brain and she was beginning to grow sick of it. She even began to avoid wearing black when not necessary. She pulled the sleeves of her pink turtleneck to cover her hands and hugged herself. She was cold but half of her believed that it was the fear that made her shiver. She had to decide.
She bit the tip of her thumb as she pictured the great detective in her mind. His jet-black messy hair contrasting greatly with the white, long-sleeved shirt that he favored wearing. There was no denying he was the reason she was questioning everything now. She wanted to hate him because of it, but his demeanor was always calm when he forced her to think. Unlike Light who preferred the doll Misa-Misa, L preferred the thinking, questioning Misa Amane. Misa was unsure which she herself preferred. She honestly had never even seen them as two separate beings. Misa Amane was Misa-Misa and vice versa. Unfortunately for her, L didn't think so.
xxx
Misa was attempting to learn something new. She wanted something that both her and Light could enjoy together. She had tried and failed at learning to play chess (too painful for her to remember all the moves as well as the importance of each position), Chinese checkers (she honestly had no idea what compelled her to even think that one would work, considering what a failure chess had been) and finally settled for a game called Kropki. The square, gridded sheet of paper in front of her seemed easy enough to master, and every so often she would glance at the instructions on her cellphone.
It was to this scene which detective L walked in on. Misa was so focused on reading the instructions to the game that she did not seem to notice him. She was biting her thumbnail in concentration when L decided to clear his throat. Surprised and caught off guard, Misa bit down hard and felt pain immediately afterwards.
"Owie! Ryuzaki, you big meanie! Why would you scare Misa-Misa like that?!" She shook her thumb in an attempt to shake away the pain and placed it back inside her mouth, sucking gently.
"Apologies, Misa-san. I didn't mean to frighten you," although his tone seemed sincere, there was a slight curve to his lips that signaled otherwise. His onyx eyes shone with amusement.
Misa 'hmphed' and turned her focus back to the game, refusing to pay any attention to the detective.
Ryuzaki made no attempt to move towards her and simply tilted his head in curiosity at what she was doing.
"Can I help you?" Misa asked, irritated.
"Would you like an opponent, Misa-san? I haven't played that game since I was a child."
Misa blushed. She knew he wasn't insulting her and that perhaps he really wanted to play, but the website she had read had indicated that Kropki was an abstract strategy game. If L had played this when he was a child, then no doubt this was a childish game to Light as well. Misa's shoulders slumped.
Despite this she mumbled, "Sure."
L walked towards her and took a seat right next to her on the sofa. He resumed his familiar, crouched position that Misa had recently begun to accept, and glanced at her with a small smile.
Despite the disappointment in herself, Misa smiled back.
"Ladies first," L said, handing her the red pen.
Misa accepted and lowered her head, "Sorry if this game seems childish."
L tilted his head. "I indicated that this game was something I played as a child, Misa-san. In no way did I suggest the game itself was childish. It is still a puzzle game and requires some sort of strategy."
Misa bubbled in her first dot and smiled. "Yeah, but I think Light would have preferred me to know how to play chess than some sort of silly dot game."
L filled his blue dot in, a feat considering the position he was in, but he didn't seem to mind it. "I assume you were looking for something that would appeal to Light-kun enough to spend time with you?" Although it was phrased as such, Misa knew it wasn't a question. Misa filled in another dot, and nodded.
"Light doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with me."
"I see. Well your speculation is correct. I am ninety percent sure Light-kun would find this game unsatisfying and juvenile." Blue dot.
"Misa can't seem to do anything right." Red dot.
"Well I hardly think that's correct. Given your newfound success as a famous model and actress in Japan despite the tragedy of your past, it appears you must be doing something right. Of course, that isn't considering your involvement with Kira." Blue dot.
"You still think I'm the second Kira, Ryuzaki?" Misa smiled. Red dot.
"I know it, Misa-san." Blue dot.
"Hm. Do you really think Misa-Misa is that smart, Ryuzaki? Light doesn't seem to think so. I find it hard to believe that you would." Red dot.
"Your constant façade, although endearing, is not something I buy, Misa-san. You constantly play yourself a fool in order to make people underestimate you. It's admirable really, given the constant attention you must receive due to your fame. Having to hide behind that persona everywhere you go. It is because of that image that people tend to overlook you and not deem you a threat, when I know the complete opposite is the truth. I believe even our dear Light-kun sees it, but knows how to manipulate you enough so you don't act as a threat against him." Blue line.
Misa gave a light, nervous chuckle. She had to be careful with her choice of words. Although he seemed concentrated on the game, Misa knew L. He was focused on her.
"Misa-Misa doesn't have a 'façade,' M-misa doesn't even know what that means!" Red line, albeit with a slight dent.
"Hm. I find it unfortunate, Misa-san. You lower yourself so constantly that I'm beginning to think that you consider yourself as the ignorant person you claim to be." Blue line.
Misa was beginning to tremble and a strange sensation entered her stomach. She didn't want to have this conversation. It was hitting a little too close to home. She only hoped Ryuzaki did not notice her shaking hand.
"Well, I-I find it funny how Ryuzaki-chan thinks so highly of me. Maybe I am tricking Ryuzaki in having him think of me as smart so that I can leer his attention away from Light-kun." Red dot.
"Is that what you're doing, Misa-san?" Blue line.
"O-of course not!" Red dot.
"Unlike Light-kun, Misa-san, I believe you have the opportunity of redemption. You're a better person than he. That love you have for Light is a toxic that only you can save yourself from." Strong blue line.
Misa's chest began to hurt. A deep sadness entered her heart and she felt herself consumed by a melancholy that confused her.
"I wish I could see what you see in me, Ryuzaki." Faded red dot.
Silence.
"As do I, Misa-san." Blue line. Blue caged red.
He had won.
xxx
Misa shook her head. This was too much. She wanted to lay down and just sleep! But of course, that wasn't possible. The more she waited, the more time she wasted. She got up and began pacing her apartment. To any other onlooker, it was apparent what her decision should be. As Ryuzaki had said, she had the opportunity to right her wrongs. But how could that be? She had killed so many people nonchalantly in order to appease her lover and even went as far as to trade half of her life years to receive the eyes of a Death God. How on Earth did Ryuzaki see her as intelligent when all of her choices spoke the complete opposite? She was a fool and she knew it.
Misa wanted to throw up. The stress was getting to her. She just wanted to go away. Go far away and be safe from all the death and destruction that was consuming Japan. It was her fault. She should have never accepted the Death note. Who did she think she was, playing God?
She fell to her knees and held her head with both hands. What would her mother think of her if she saw everything that she had done?
xxx
Misa knew she was more than silent that day.
It was the anniversary of her family's death and she always tended to act more reserved on the occasion. Matsuda had been worried about her but she informed him that she was fine. Someone must have mentioned to him the reason for her more quiet demeanor, for when he ran into her again, sympathy swam in his eyes. Misa looked ahead, far from his pity, and continued on her way.
Light had gone away on some assignment and had left her a note in their shared bedroom. Although it was shared, they never seemed to be in it together. Misa sat on their bed naked and still slightly damp from her shower. She was waiting for it to be seven o' clock. Dinner time.
She was going to make Katsudon, a favorite of her father. It was the only thing she knew how to make.
At five-thirty, she dressed in her familiar black skirt and black blouse. Unlike her other attire, this one was more modest, the skirt reaching down to her ankles and the long sleeves of her blouse concealing her dainty forearms. She always wore the outfit for this special day. She didn't remember exactly how she acquired it, she simply remembered always having it. She left her feet bare.
At five-forty, she went to the small kitchen and commenced to prepare the dish. The only sound audible in the apartment was the sound of the ticking cuckoo clock that resided by the entrance.
She chopped the onions slowly, her eyes stinging and brimming with tears. However, she refused to shed any of them. As she fried the onion slices, she remembered how her mother always mentioned that the sizzling of the pan sounded a lot like rain.
She continued her work, not paying any heed to the chaotic world. It was simply her and her duty as a daughter. Once finished preparing the meal, Misa prepared three plates on the table and made sure all the chairs were slid inside. The cuckoo clock sounded and she knew it was seven now. She sat down on her spot and waited. Silence.
"I'll say grace." She told the silence.
She cleared her throat. "Father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Your kingdom come. Give us each our daily bread and forgive us for our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us. "And lead us not into temptation. Amen." She stopped. Silence once more.
"Does Otousan like it? Misa made it with love."
Silence.
"Of course not, Okaasan. Misa is simply preparing for her future husband." Misa chuckled drily.
Silence.
"Misa had a very wonderful day at school today. She managed to pass that exam in her English class. English is so hard but maybe then she can marry a gentleman from Europe."
Silence.
"Koari-chan also invited Misa to the movies tonight."
Silence.
"I'm going to go."
Silence.
"Why?"
Silence.
"Misa is old enough to make decisions for herself. Misa knows that Otousan and Okaasan only want Misa to be safe but they shouldn't worry so much." Sad smile.
Silence.
"I will. I will call as soon as the movie is over." Misa didn't touch her food. She folded her hands over one another and stared ahead, eyes empty.
"But Misa never did."
The cuckoo clock rung eight times.
Just as always, she began to clear the table. The food, of course, untouched.
A sudden knock on her apartment door shook her out of her ritual. She shivered as she thought that maybe this time she had gone too deep inside her mind and she would be forced to relive the nightmare all over again. Maybe it was indeed Koari-chan at the door? Misa's heart constricted and she found it harder to breathe. She couldn't go through that again! Not again! She refused to blink as she began to experience tunnel vision. What time was it?
Another set of knocking.
With trembling legs, Misa walked towards the door. Maybe this was her punishment for not fulfilling on her promise to her parents? Or perhaps it was a second chance? A way to right her wrongs and stay home to protect her parents? Would the Gods be so kind to a person who had killed so mercilessly? In a way, she was no better than her parents' killer…
She finally reached the door and firmly held the knob. After what seemed like an eternity, she turned her wrist and opened the door…
Detective Ryuzaki was there, holding a black umbrella. Misa hadn't even heard the rain. It was dark outside and Misa could see a flash of lightning behind him.
She stared at him, not knowing what to say. His arm was still raised from what she assumed had been another set of his prematurely, interrupted knocks. He lowered it down and searched her eyes. For what, she did not know.
"May I come in, Misa-san."
It seemed surreal to her. Misa was torn between her present and her past. Her parents were there, behind her, eating dinner as they had done so that night. And yet, the detective himself was in front of her, in the flesh, asking to come inside, into the bubble of her own little world.
She merely nodded slowly and murmured, "I'm having dinner with my parents. Would you like to join us?"
They stood quietly for a while. The soft patter of the rain and occasional thunder reminded Misa of that fateful night. There was a beautiful pain that accompanied it.
L again searched Misa's eyes. Content when he found what he was looking for, he nodded and gave Misa his small, rare smile. A smile that Misa had become sure was solely reserved for their interactions. A smile that seemed to be only for her.
"Of course, Misa-san."
He closed his umbrella and entered the apartment, greeting both Mr. and Mrs. Amane in the process. He apologized for the inconvenience and took a seat next to her father. Her father and he discussed the weather and the possibility of a typhoon that could occur under the right circumstances. Misa's mother mentioned what a thoughtful young man he was and Misa smiled.
And then she cried.
She held herself and breathed. She breathed until the floor stopped moving, until the sky was no longer clouded and until her heart no longer raced. And then his voice, calm and soothing.
"I believe you have the opportunity of redemption."
It stopped. The storm, her madness. She stood up and cradled her head, finding solace in the newfound silence in her mind. She knew what had to be done.
She walked towards her cell phone and picked it up, reading the message once more:
Would you accompany me to dinner, Misa-san?
Misa nodded and typed her response. She set her phone down and an overwhelming calm took over her. She went to her bedroom and grasped the black notebook that laid on her desk. She placed it inside her backpack and walked towards the door.
She had to right her wrongs. Too much death. Too much grief and sadness. Only she could put an end to it. She took a deep breath and shook away any remaining hesitation she still felt.
She stands, wearing a simple wedding gown that hugs her curves lightly. He stands tall and awkwardly in a dark suit, his hair still a mess. They say their 'I do's to the priest and share a kiss full of forgiveness and repentance. Full of joy and love. She is happy.
She knew it was just a dream. There were so many things that had to be carefully executed in order for that to happen. If anything went wrong, she would die at the hands of her beloved Light.
But she figured Lawliet was worth that risk.
She turned the knob and went outside, entering the unknown.