Title: What Are You Afraid Of?
Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or these characters (darn it!) nor am I making any money off them (darn it!). No infringement intended.
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG-13 / T (for language only)
Summary: Angsty!Burgeoning A/O relationship
Notes: waves sheepishly. *I'm not dead yet* ;) But, yeah, ...it's been a while. And, I have no idea if anyone is even reading this pairing anymore. And, well, I have two... well, lets call them 'more strongly rated' A/O fics in mind but but they've been a struggle. So I needed to just get the rust off and get something completed and this came to me. It's a little angsty...but it's a start. No promises on the other fics, but it's the holiday season. As always, feedback feeds the muse.
Like usual, Alex had stopped by the squad room Monday morning to get briefed on anything that might have happened over the weekend and to make sure they were all on the same page for any court dates that week. After dispensing of that business, the attorney glanced over at one of the interrogation rooms, checking that it was empty before looking back at Olivia. Then, as nonchalantly as she could, she asked, "Detective Benson, can I have a moment?"
Olivia was slightly taken off guard but responded with a light, "Of course," and motioned towards the empty room Alex had spied earlier. Olivia then turned towards and met the narrow, curious stare of her partner, giving him a slight shrug as if she didn't know what Alex wanted to talk to her about. As if she had no idea.
But, in truth, she did have some idea.
In fact, she had a very good idea.
And thought she didn't know exactly how this conversation was going to go, she knew generally how it was going to go… and so she wasn't particularly looking forward to.
So she decided to start the conversation herself, tried to head it off at the pass and gain whatever advantage she could. As soon as the interrogation room door was closed she started in, eyes not quiet meeting the attorney's, she kind of shrugged one shoulder as she shoved her hands in her pockets, desperately trying to gain the upper hand, "Alex, I really am sorry about Friday. Believe me, if I could have been there…"
"Stop, Olivia." Alex interrupted quietly, simply, not harshly, but still sharply, clearly anticipating Olivia's tactic and having none of it.
Olivia's mouth snapped shut at Alex's no-nonsense tone and her eyes snapped up for the first time to meet the gaze of the woman standing across from her. The crystal clear deep blue gaze. The one she could fall into so easily. The one she wasn't letting herself fall into.
She blinked.
She swallowed.
Alex noted the detective's struggle, like she had so often. It was one of the things that made their current situation so confounding.
The blonde then looked away briefly and inhaled a deep breath, gathering her wits, gathering her thoughts. So many thoughts.
So many desires.
And so many questions.
But one question more important than the rest.
So the attorney took a deep breath, a calming breath, a strengthening breath. She then looked back at the detective, tilting her head slightly to the side, brow slightly furrowing, genuinely wondering, genuinely sincere, and genuinely concerned as she asked that question.
"What are you afraid of?"
Like before when Olivia knew what Alex had wanted to talk about, Olivia again had some idea what Alex meant, what she was referring to and what she was asking. But also like before the detective feigned ignorance, not ready to face this discussion. "I… I don't follow… what… what do you mean?" Olivia stuttered before again swallowing hard and trying, trying to meet Alex's eye with some semblance of confidence and even some semblance of defiance.
But her ruse didn't quite work. Didn't quite work at all.
For though Alex didn't know Olivia as well as she wanted to (they wouldn't be having this conversation if she did), she did know the brunette well enough and she knew people well enough to know that despite Olivia's words, the detective was very much following her. So the attorney just cut right to the chase: "Three times, Olivia. Three times I've asked you out. Three times you've said yes. … And three times now you've cancelled."
Olivia opened her mouth to protest, but Alex just held her hand up as a stop sign, knowing instinctively what Olivia was going to take issue with and preempting her, "You and I both know I was asking you on a date, Olivia, not just a casual after work drink between co-workers, so do us both a favor and don't try to deny that."
Olivia, having been read so well, was stunned into silence.
And it was into that silence that Alex asked again, still genuinely confused, genuinely sincere, genuinely concerned, and genuinely wanting to know the answer so she could assuage whatever it was, "So I ask again, Liv, what are you afraid of?"
Olivia heard the hint of desperation in Alex's voice and in a strange way appreciated that it was there and also appreciated her own part in why it was there.
But still she looked away.
She looked away and shoved her hands even deeper into her pockets, her mind beginning to race as fast as her heart.
For what was she supposed to say?
The truth?
That truth that she was afraid of screwing up? That she was afraid she wasn't good enough? That she was afraid because Alex was fucking scary and fucking scary in so many ways? That she'd had a long string of short lived unsuccessful relationships but not one successful one but it really wasn't until Alex that she realized she hadn't even really cared about those previous relationships but she knew she did care about this one even though it didn't even really exist yet and that, in and of itself, was not only utterly confusing but utterly fucking terrifying? That nothing ever before had occupied more space in her brain than her job, than her single-minded mission in life to fight for those who couldn't fight for themselves, and that Alex was needling her way in there, was showing up in the detective's thoughts unasked for, that she was showing up in the detective's desires unasked for, that the detective was being force to recognize that maybe there was something more in life than work, and that that, too, was utterly confusing and utterly fucking terrifying? That…
"Olivia?"
Again, the detective's eyes snapped back up to meet a crystal clear blue gaze, realizing instantly that her mind and gone off on its own, but not really knowing how long it had gone off for, not knowing how long she'd been ruminating over the very fears Alex was asking about, the very fears (and possibilities and dreams) that had kept her up at night in recent months.
Again, somewhat stunned, this time by her own thoughts, she remained silent, her only outward response to Alex's question was another hard swallow.
And so Alex eyes simply held Olivia's for a heartbeat, then two. The blonde then spoke, her voice quiet, gentle, non-threatening, understanding exactly how delicate a situation she was in with the detective. "I don't think I'm reading this situation wrong, Olivia. I don't think I'm the only one that would like to see where this might lead." She paused briefly, letting that statement settle before pursuing further. "I see how you look at me. I feel the energy when we're in the same room."
Alex then took a chance. She stepped forward, just barely invading Olivia's personal space. And she was rewarded with the detective's sharp inhale. She smiled slightly, not smugly, not really, more pleadingly, as she tried to recapture the detective's gaze and as her voice dropped to nearly a whisper, leaning into Olivia's space even further, as far as she dared, hoping her own confession might entice the detective to open up, "And I know that flutter in your gut and that ache in your heart when we're near each other… because I feel it, too."
Olivia's breath caught.
She might have gasped.
She might have sobbed.
Alex wasn't sure.
But in any case, Alex's training as a prosecutor clicked in. She knew when to press an advantage; and just as importantly, she knew when to back off.
And so she backed off.
In fact, she stepped away from Olivia completely then, taking an emotional and a physical step backwards. Giving the detective space, giving her a buffer, removing the need for the woman before her to choose fight or flight, giving the detective space to choose something in between.
Even so, despite her retreat, silence hung in the room.
It wasn't quite awkward, it wasn't quite adversarial. It was more contemplative, both women's minds racing.
Both women's hearts pounding.
Fueled by tension.
And uncertainty.
Finally, after the silence had hung long enough, after Olivia had been given enough time to respond, Alex spoke again, repeating what she'd said earlier. But this time finishing with something different, something Alex didn't want to say, but something she had to: "I don't think I'm reading this situation wrong, Olivia. But if I am, tell me," the attorney's voice dropped again and wavered, betraying her own fears as she finished , "And I'll stop asking."
The attorney's statement landed with a thud.
The silence that stretched between them this time felt like a chasm.
Olivia didn't look up.
Olivia barely moved.
Alex's heart sunk.
Alex nodded what now felt like a cold and empty room. "Okay then," she said quietly and moved to leave the room, heartbroken, heartshattered over something that might have been but never really was and apparently never would be.
And in that moment, everything was put into perspective for Olivia.
Or at least her fears were.
For in that moment she realized that she was afraid of one thing more than anything else: she was afraid of Alex walking out that door.
"Alex," Olivia's quiet but strong voice stopped the attorney just in time, the blonde's hand on the knob of the door.
Another moment of silence. The two women's backs still towards each other; Olivia still facing the room, Alex still facing the door.
Finally, Olivia turned around. And after a moment, Alex did, too.
When their eyes met, Olivia swallowed one last time before saying simply, unable to say more, not ready to say more, but knowing she had to say something, and hoping this was enough. "Don't stop asking."
Alex's dared to hope.
The detective then, knowing she needed to make gesture, a show of faith, was the one to take a step forward, was the one to step into the attorney's personal space. And as Alex was before, Olivia was the one rewarded with a sharp inhale from the blonde.
Olivia then stamped down the alarm bells in her head; stamped down the questions and the uncertainties screaming at her; stamped down the fears that put her in this situation in the first place. She stamped them down and let herself dream and more outwardly let her eyes wander to the attorney's lips and let one hand come up and lightly trace down the attorney's neck and let her own lips lean dangerously close to the attorney's, dangerously uninhibitedly let the electricity spark between them, like it always had.
And like she was sure it always would.
She might not be ready right now. Not right this minute.
But, eventually. But soon. She would be.
She would be.
She needed to let herself be.
She deserved to let herself be.
"Please don't stop asking," she whispered again, meaningfully, voice breaking, hoping Alex understood what she meant, knowing Alex would, before pulling away, reaching around the attorney to open the door to the interrogation room, and walking out.