THE NEW AGE OF SAINT SEIYA – CELEBRATING TWENTY YEARS OF NONSENSE
FADE IN:
INT. PROLOGUE
ANNOYING VOICE OVER: Saint Seiya is the greatest story that has ever been told. This timeless tale of brave youths fighting for peace, love and justice has inspired countless individuals (and merchandise products), and has become an icon of the most moving combination of art and moral lessons. However, the origin of this classic hit series has remained hidden, and no one knew the mystery…until now. Today, in celebration of the twentieth anniversary of the creation of Saint Seiya, we will take you to a nostalgic trip down the memory lane of the epic that gives birth to the combination of superb animation, deep storylines, and the ever-memorable characters. This all begins with the Premier of the new Hades Saga.
EXT. RED CARPET, EXTERIOR OF TOEI ANIMATION OFFICE
AIOLIA ("HIMSELF"): Welcome to Saint Seiya OVA Hades Saga Premier.
Shots are depicting various "ACTORS" walking around, signing autographs, smiling brightly at the camera, etc. The camera close ups to a huge poster of PEGASUS SEIYA KICKING PEOPLE IN THE GUTS AND MAKING THREATENING GESTURES TO THE VIEWERS, captioned "THE NEW AGE OF SAINT SEIYA", then the shot pans to GOLD SAINTS, who have donned their armors.
APHRODITE ("HIMSELF"): I loved it from the moment that I-I read the script. It was a … very beautiful, very moving, very cleverly written and, and uh… i-it actually brought a-a tear to my eye when I read the last page. It was incredible.
CAMUS ("HIMSELF"): This is one of the best scripts I've ever read. This is…an anime I am proud to be in.
SHAKA ("HIMSELF"): The characters are beautifully written, line by line, in terms of their dialogue, they all have, you know, depths to them – they are not just sort of fleshed in and so and the opportunity to work with each other was the finest thing, I think.
MU ("HIMSELF"): I think everyone who has seen the previous episodes will be…overwhelmed by this sequel. Uh…it's a big…heart-wrenching…exciting…emotional…heart-wrenching occasion. You'll see. I mean it.
SAGA ("HIMSELF"): The best drama in the last ten years. I'm telling you, this is the most original, beautiful, wonderful, moving, warm drama I've…seen since…sliced bread.
DEATHMASK ("HIMSELF"): It's a really just fine musical. And it's one of those plays that just kinda stays with you 'cause the message is really, just uplifting, and everyone is just fantastic – I mean just so likable, and, you know, the setting and mythologies…and it's just a really great musical, you've got a melting pot. You just kinda get all those interesting elements that are interesting. I can't wait for this to be shown on Broadway.
ALDEBARAN ("HIMSELF"): It's one of those movies where everyone kinda just feels great walking out of the theater, but you also kinda examine your life and see where you are and talk about everything and you know be thankful for really simple things in life that we take advantage – take, take kind of granted.
AIOLIOS ("HIMSELF"): It involves a lot more angst, a lot more action and a lot more tragedy. It's a Shakespeare classic. You can't help but weep when Seiya finally decided to avenge his father by spreading his wings and flying away.
KANON ("HIMSELF"): It has a profound message to it. It really shows how much the Creator has to offer for the viewer. I think, by the end of today, the audience will realize the weight of this social commentary, and what happens with the characters, and how profound it is. And what was required of Seiya, as people, in terms of how to manifest that, how to show that. Not only show the negative side of what the society's doing to Seiya, but also make it a progression.
AIOLIA ("HIMSELF"): The Hades Saga will definitely remain one of my favorites of this Sci-Fi series. This was a real effort on our part, and The Creator and The Director as well, we'd sort of sit down and talk about the great moments, and really make sure that there was an obvious advancement in the story. But that was a lot of fun, you know, I loved working on that stuff. My personal favorite is Seiya's transformation into Vader.
MILO ("HIMSELF"): It is REALLY fun to play. And it's REALLY fun to watch, because it's very funny. Because the writing is so brilliant. It's a very, VERY great comedy. But it's also dark, but good, because, you know, it's the best combination, I think, and really, fantastically moving. Seiya is so moving. And yet he is also incredibly funny.
SHURA ("HIMSELF"): It is really a timeless classic that you'll never get tired of watching. It is…very technical, very complex, spiritual journey of how this young, really just strong soul came to know the weight of that responsibility and that he must stop the war between werewolves and vampires.
(pause)
Look, I know what I'm talking about, okay? So did all of us Saints. Don't look at us like we are full of shit. I know what this movie's about and I know what to say about it. What? There are no werewolves and vampires in Saint Seiya? Then how the hell did Sieya become that ridiculous half-werewolf half-vampire thing?
The CAMERA hastily pans to the BRONZE SAINTS, who are hugging their FANS and waving to the hysteria in the crowd which might result in violent behavior. Trying out a pose in front of a poster, SHUN crouches and grins happily at the camera, failing to notice his position makes it seem like POSTER SEIYA is stomping on his head.
FADE OUT TO BLACK. Seconds later, GOLDEN WORDS fade in. It reads TIMELESS EPIC.
FADE OUT. FADE IN:
INT. TOEI ANIMATION OFFICE
SEIYA looks distinctly uncomfortable. He stares at the camera, nervously, for a moment, before he seems to remember something.
SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): It is…really…a story…of fights. Of struggles.
CUT TO MOVIE LEGEND OF THE CRIMSON YOUTH:
INT. APOLLO'S TEMPLE
SEIYA (to Apollo, who has got himself too close to Athena): HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY BITCH? SEIYA SMAAAAAAASH!
CUT TO SERIES:
EXT. ARENA
HYOGA: EXPENSIVE JEWELRY STONE DEBRIS!
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): It is fast, exciting, and moving. It's very engaging. But it's also a story of love.
CUT TO SERIES:
INT. KIDO MANSION
SHIRYU: Shun, what are you crying about this time?
SHUN (sniffs): I just find it somewhat upsetting that my brother was probably sexually attracted to a person who for morbid reasons looked exactly like me, save for the fact that she was female and she dyed her hair.
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): Of courage.
CUT BACK TO SERIES:
INT. TAURUS TEMPLE
BRONZE SAINTS: Uh…we are brave because…uh…we really, desperately want to win, even though that means discarding morality and commonsense in general.
ALDEBARAN: I hope you all get convicted as war criminals, infected by malaria then exiled to Mars.
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): Of sacrifices.
CUT BACK TO SERIES:
EXT. STAIRS TO PISCES TEMPLE
SHUN and SEIYA have spent nearly 20 minutes out of less than an hour to save ATHENA by watching EPISODES 60 AND 61, complete with SEIYA'S BEHIND-THE-SCENE COMMENTARY.
SHUN (snapped out of his reverie): Wait; why are we wasting precious time on recycling old episodes? You know I'm gonna die, don't you?
SEIYA: Well, doesn't occur to you as mildly disturbing that not only you are feminine, but also your spiritual manifestation is always a woman in revealing clothing? What is the Creator thinking, anyhow?
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): And of great hope.
CUT TO THE MOVIE LEGEND OF THE CRIMSON YOUTH:
INT. SEIYA'S ROOM
SEIYA: Do you know why we fight for Athena? Do you? DO YOU?
HYOGA: Er…because we are big pussies?
SEIYA: HYOGA!
HYOGA: I mean, seriously, when was the last time we gave a really good argument for what we are fighting for, other than because that's our job and plus Athena is hot?
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): But it really, is a story of friendship. The strength of fighting together.
CUT BACK TO SERIES:
INT. CAPRICORN TEMPLE
SEIYA, SHUN AND HYOGA (walking off): Right. We will just by-stand your death by the hands of this sick dude, because it's far easier to fight enemies with one person than three.
SHIRYU: I hate you so much.
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
SHUN ("HIMSELF"): Those… are basic honorable things, I-I think it's the honorable nature of these things. They are all things that we will ask ourselves like we are aspired to and hope we would behave in this way we find ourselves in the same circumstances those characters in the series.
CUT TO MOVIE HEAVEN CHAPTER:
INT. ATHENA ESTATE
ANGELS: Bow down before Goddess Artemis!
SEIYA: Fuck you! MY GODDESS HAS BIGGER TITS THAN YOUR GODDESS!
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
SHIRYU ("HIMSELF"): What you find in anime especially in Saint Seiya is, you know, you find emotional moments, moments of, just, admiring the courage, of somebody, the selflessness, of somebody, realizing that-that this person is taking themselves to, to the point of Death, because of, of something they believe in, somebody that they love.
CUT TO SERIES:
EXT. CANCER TEMPLE
SHIRYU: We are Athena's Saints, because Athena is the embodiment of Love and Justice and we believe in Love and Justice.
DEATHMASK: Oh really? Well, your Goddess doesn't even grant you the power of only temporarily paralyzing people or reversing their bad intentions! You always have to assume they are hopelessly evil and FIGHT THEM TO DEATH, so that they can never have the hope of redemption. Just what kind of Goddess of Love and Justice is that?!
SHIRYU: Uh, logic gags my brain. Hold on while I telepathically consult my Master.
DOHKO (V.O.): Destroy him.
SHIRYU: Okay.
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
HYOGA ("HIMSELF"): It is a work of extraordinary art. The animation is just…so stunning. The spectacular action is really fierce and fast. And the emotional sequences are very beautifully and skillfully done. I can't tell you how many times I cry when I watch the part where Hyoga visits his mother, not to mention there is something deep and amazing to see how the characters cope with so many different and difficult situations.
CUT BACK TO SERIES:
INT. POPE'S THRONE ROOM
SEIYA is fighting for his life.
EVIL SAGA: Time to die, Pegasus.
SEIYA: I'm so tired. I need some coffee. No, I only drink freshly brewed Starbucks, none of that canned crap. Where's my script? Can you check my make-up? Are you supposed to cast the spotlight that way? Is the camera angel right? Are you sure? Are my armors properly highlighted? Is that imaginary Pegasus on the background sized visually appealingly? Are those symbolic straight lines that make it seem like I'm running spaced appropriately? Am I supposed to move to the left a little bit so that this particular shot of me looks absolutely gorgeous? This is perfect? It'd better be. Now that I have mastered just the right pose in which the right proportion of my fists are shown relative to the rest of my body and so everything is in the Golden Ratio, I can just hold still for a while and do nothing but moving my lips.
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
IKKI ("HIMSELF"): Saint Seiya has a fantastic, award-deserving script. There is subtlety, and it has you gripped and credits the audience with intelligence. There is not a line of wasted dialogue and the movie incorporates a number of complexities that are not immediately obvious. The audience would receive intellectual satisfaction from watching Saint Seiya.
CUT TO SERIES:
EXT. STAIRS TO POPE'S THRONE ROOM
ANNOYING VOICE OVER: I shall assume everyone in the audience is a moron.
The SCREEN shows BRONZE SAINTS RUNNING.
ANNOYING VOICE OVER: Those are Bronze Saints. They are running.
It then shows SEIYA'S COSMO glowing.
HYOGA: Oh dear, Seiya's cosmo is glowing.
CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:
SAORI ("HERSELF"): It's a truly remarkable story. It's not like any story you've ever seen. Every generation of audience has its most celebrated cinema event, and I have to say I'm honored to be the one of our time. Saint Seiya is worthy of the fame she enjoys. It's a culture phenomenon. There are many anime series now that are edited out of sequence and have multiple plots but this is the one they all want to be, or all want to beat, but never will. I've never seen anything created with so much sophistication, so much love and care, and such utter perfection of craft that you can't help but walk away and wonder how did the cast and crew and especially me make this possible?
CUT BACK TO MOVIE LEGEND OF THE CRIMSON YOUTH:
INT. APOLLO'S ESTATE
ABEL kills SAORI, thank GOD.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN.
OBNOXIOUS FALSE PROMISE: The startling revelation by brave heroes continues! Themes of the epic adventure are explored, but will the Warriors investigate the emotional and intellectual depth of their fellow Saints' character? Next time: Personality Insights! Athena's Saints Speak. Can you feel the cosmo burning?
FADE OUT.
Author's Note: I don't own Saint Seiya. Yeah, I hear you say "DAMN STRAIGHT". Also, this piece is, in fact, sort of a prequel to my actual parody of the Hades Arc. Although I'm sure you hate this writing, I will, er, try to finish it, yet whether I will post the parody of the Hades Arc is depending on the reviews I get.
Author's Second Note: Just in case you don't get it, Seiya's line "My Goddess...your Goddess" is a direct reference to the infamous George Carlin routine that claims religious folks slaughter people of a different religion because "My God has a bigger dick than you God!". Also, OBNOXIOUS FALSE PROMISE aka preview is in fact written in the exact format of actual previews that follow real Saint Seiya episodes (yes, with the sentence "Can you feel the cosmo burning?"). And finally, as I remember to say it this time, PLEASE REVIEW!
Author's Third Note: I feel that I must apologize for not updating as soon as I should have. Since I have the nasty habit of re-reading my own stuff for about three times per minute, I'm always revising posted works and delaying new works. Since this chapter, especially the latter part, apparently didn't flow too well, I have made some changes to hopefully fix the issues.